The NSC Boxset: Heart of Stone

by D H Sidebottom

  “I’ll leave you to freshen up, Olivia and I’ll see you tomorrow night at the awards. Get yourself off home.” she smiled at me again, then rubbed her hand up and down my arm and exited the restroom, leaving me still knelt on the floor with my head propped up on the wall.

  * * *

  Three hours later, I was laid in a bubble bath, vodka in hand and Haribos on the edge. I had forsaken the wine for something stronger, needing it to dull my senses.

  “Well Liv. You don’t half get yourself into some shit,” I laughed drunkenly, swirling my toes round the edge of the bath. My vision was blurred and my head was sloped to the side as a single tear slipped down my cheek.

  Two weeks ago I had been so happy, everything was finally looking up; I’d had Nate, my kids were happy and content and I had been on the verge of coming to terms with my past, my life and my mutilated body.

  Another tear slid down to follow the other one, as if racing it down my face in an urgency to beat it to my chin.

  I heard my phone ring somewhere in the house. “Oh fuck off!” I shouted to it. “I’m pissed, cold and feeling sorry for myself,” I told it and laughed when it stopped ringing.

  Draining my glass I reached over to the bottle I had placed on the toilet seat and slipped round in the bath, the water shot over the edge of the bath in waves and puddled on the floor. I clung to the rim of the tub and rested my chin on my hands as a crowd of tears chased the others now.

  “Why?” I asked to no-one in particular. “Why won’t you let me be happy?” I screamed. Wiping my nose with the back of my hand, I sat back up and retried for the nearly empty bottle.

  Achieving my goal I smiled to the vodka. “You see, there’s no escape. You need me as much as I need you, babe,” I whispered, although I wasn’t sure if I was still talking to the bottle. “I need you so much,” I sobbed. “I always have.”

  The phone rang again. “OH BUGGER OFF!” I screamed at it. I rested my head against the back of the tub and lifted my leg from the water to examine it, twirling and bending it in front of me. “I do have beautiful legs, Nate! You always liked my legs didn’t you?” I sighed, tilting my head and considering the rest of my body.

  “You made me feel special and beautiful.” I took another long mouthful of the vodka and wiped my eyes on my hand. “You said you loved me.”

  I frowned to the bottle. “You said you always will.” I sucked on my lips and debated myself; sloshed, unhappy and above all absolutely terrified as I lay in the cold, murky bath water, alone.

  * * *

  I woke up the next morning laid across the landing naked, with a blanket over me and sporting a hangover from the pits of hell. I closed my eyes and groaned as I prised myself off the carpet and stumbled to the bedroom to claim my robe.

  Wrapping it round me I ventured downstairs for coffee and paracetamol. As I walked into the kitchen Beth was sat at the table, reading a newspaper with a mug in her hand.

  She slowly raised her eyes to look at me from beneath her eyebrows. “Good morning!” she said chirpily. I grunted at her, sliding past to grab a coffee from the pot she had brewed and plonked down next to her.

  “When did you get here?” I asked, hoarsely.

  “Last night,” she stated simply. “I found you flaked out on the landing and couldn’t wake you so I covered you and left you there,” she revealed, taking another swill of her coffee.

  “How? Why? I can’t remember,” I grumbled and rubbed my temples.

  “Why didn’t you ring me, Liv?” she scolded with tears in her eyes.

  “How did you find out?” I asked her, trying to swallow past the damn dryness in my throat.

  “I phoned you at work when you didn’t answer your phone and Grace told me.” She shook her head, her face angry, “Why the hell didn’t you ring me Liv?” she nagged way too loudly for my sore head.

  “I just wanted to get bloody pissed and forget every damn fucking thing.” I gulped trying to stop the tears from making another bloody appearance.

  “Oh, babe,” she cried, sobbing with me as I wept into her. She screamed with me as I bawled at her and then she just held me, rocking me to and fro like a mother and a child, whispering shushes in my ear.

  All cried out and emotionally empty I sat at the table with her a little while later. “Does Nate know?” she asked quietly as though she knew what I was going to say.

  “No and he’s not gonna,” I articulated with narrow eyes.

  “But Babe, he needs to know.”

  “No he doesn’t, Beth. This has nothing to do with him!”

  “This has everything to do with him Liv, he loves you!”

  “Not anymore,” I reminded her quietly, studying my freshly brewed coffee.

  “Liv! Of course he still loves you, he’s just shocked and angry that’s all but he still loves you, babe.” I nodded once, not believing her but just to pacify her. “So,” she said firmly to change the subject, “What did the police say?” I scoffed and gave her a ‘what do you think’ look.

  “Right, nothing then,” she ground out between her teeth.

  I smiled and shrugged “They’ve took the . . . the . . . cat and the key to examine.”

  “Key?”

  “Yeah someone has been letting themselves in and sniffing my underwear.” I laughed trying to make light of it. “Anyway I got it sent back to me yesterday in an envelope.” I shrugged again. “And yes before you ask I’ve changed my locks!”

  She frowned and wrinkled her brow. “You don’t think it’s that Pervy Peterson do you?” she voiced what I’d already thought.

  I shrugged at her. “I dunno, I’ve thought about it. He was angry I’d spurned him and lost him his job but . . . I dunno, it just doesn’t make sense. I got some of the phone calls before it kicked off with him.”

  “Have the phone calls stopped now? I wondered why you changed your number.” She glanced at me then got up and went to replenish her coffee.

  I nodded and stood up; walking to the sink and looking through the window. “God, I could go a fag.” I still had cravings even though I’d stopped smoking about eight years ago.

  Beth scoffed and regarded me. “And a fags gonna help, how?”

  I pulled a face at her and rolled my head. “Remind me never to drink again,” I groaned as I swallowed more pills.

  “That might be a problem if you’ve got that awards thingy tonight,” she mocked.

  “Oh fuck!” I complained, “My life is full of shit!”

  * * *

  After hunting round the house for my red dress and favourite red shoes, I gave in and settled for a knee length green fitted dress and my black heels. I really couldn’t be bothered so I pulled my hair into a stiff bun and slapped on a bit of gloss and mascara.

  Beautiful Liv, I mocked myself and clambered into the waiting taxi, dreading the night to come.

  Entering the throbbing room at the exclusive top floor ballroom of London’s most prestigious nightclub, I scanned the room. People were already dancing and drunk, the tables were nearly full and the bar was heaving. There was a platform at the back of the room, no doubt for presenting the awards. Lavishly dressed circular tables were situated around the room ready for the seven-course dinner. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath then made my way to the bar.

  I ordered a large wine, my drought already over and went in search of my seat, finding it situated much to my pleasure next to the bar.

  It was a table for eight and it placed Grace and her husband, Leah and Bert, Josh and his very camp boyfriend and me and . . . an empty seat.

  “Olivia,” Leah smiled. “How are you, Hun?”

  “I’m good, Leah. Please nobody feel awkward round me. I don’t want to mention anything about the . . . incident, Okay? Can we just forget all about it, just for tonight please?” Luckily, they all nodded and relaxed. “So have I missed anything?” I asked, perusing the room.

  Josh shook his head and introduced his boyfriend Daniel. “Nope” he said after Daniel an
d I said our hello’s, “I don’t even think your boyfriend’s here yet. I haven’t seen him,” he said and then flinched when I presumed Grace had kicked him under the table.

  He frowned at her. “What did I say?” She glared at him and gave a discreet shake of her head. Josh’s eyes widened and he looked at me, “Oh Sweetie, have you and Mr Carter broke up?”

  I chuckled at his directness as Grace moaned. “Whatever gave you that idea Josh?” I snorted and gave Grace a lift of an eye.

  We chatted and drank more wine as we slowly ate our way through enough food to feed the entire population of London. As we were on desserts a very drunk Josh nudged my knee under the table and leaned into my ear, “Don’t look now but your Mr Carter has just walked in with Eleanor St Clair,” he whispered. I stiffened but refused to turn round. It hadn’t took him long to move on. “It looks like he’s searching the room for you, Olivia,” he carried on.

  I was hoping the severe bun I was wearing camouflaged me as it wasn’t something I usually did with my hair. “Excuse me, bathroom.” I slipped from my chair and hurried to the bathroom. I couldn’t face him at the moment; I didn’t need to see the hatred on his face tonight of all nights, I was only just holding myself up as it was.

  Succeeding in my mission I sat on the toilet seat, taking deep breaths and motivating myself to get through the night. The restroom door opened and closed. I remained sat on the seat with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.

  Taking a deep breath I stood up, righted my dress, flushed and opened the cubicle door.

  Nate was stood, hands in his trouser pockets leaning against the vanity. I halted in the doorway. His face was like thunder, his lips in a tight line on his handsome face. “Liv,” he merely greeted, chewing on his bottom lip.

  I swallowed severely. “Nate?”

  He tipped his head and scrutinized me. “Why didn’t you let me know what happened yesterday?”

  Oh Shit! I dropped my eyes to the floor. “Well?” he asked, still angry. I ignored him, walked to the sink, turning on the tap and washing my hands. “Liv?” he persevered.

  “Because it has nothing to do with you, Nate,” I sighed and took a towel to dry my hands.

  His eyes widened and he huffed. “Nothing to do with me?” He spoke menacing low and I gulped. “Is that how you feel, Liv?” A sadness had descended in his eyes but I refused to see it.

  “Who told you?” I asked, I was going to kill somebody.

  He gave a bitter laugh. “The police came to see me just as I was getting in the car to come here. Apparently they had to question your Boyfriend, their words not mine,” he clarified.

  I nodded slightly as I reached for the door handle. He gripped my arm. “Why don’t you come and stay with me, Liv? I’m worried about you,” he asked, fear marring his beautiful face.

  I turned to look at him, searching into the depths of his pure blue eyes and then shook my head. “I’m not your responsibility anymore, you made that quite clear. Don’t worry about me,” I said softly and walked out of the door as a woman walked in and gasped as she saw Nate.

  “Mr Carter!” I heard her greet as the door swung closed behind me.

  The awards had been presented and I received one for ‘Commitment to the Company’ and ‘Colleague of the year’ much to the delight of my table and lots of overwhelmed tears. It had been awkward to collect the glass trophies from Nate, but I just smiled and didn’t look him in the eye.

  I was starting to get annoyed when Nate wouldn’t take his gaze off me all night, it was suffocating. He was situated at the next table to us with Eleanor who never left his side all night, constantly touching him and laughing hard at his jokes. She caught my glance once or twice and each time she gave a smug ‘I told you so’ smile. I just smiled back sweetly.

  My phone rang in my bag and I checked the display to see it was withheld. “Excuse me, I have to take this, it could be the police.” I smiled to the others, stood and walked over to a now quiet part of the bar.

  I slid the accept icon on my phone, “Hello.”

  “Hello Darling,” his voice purred down the phone.

  My heart stopped, my breath halted and I swayed as my legs gave way. Trying to grab hold of the bar for support, I felt my legs give way and I slid to the floor, my hand still trying to take hold of something as my brain was thirty seconds behind me.

  “Nice to hear your voice again, Darling. Have you missed me?” his arrogant tone came down the phone.

  I couldn’t get a breath. My lungs were screaming, a white mist surrounded my vision as sheer terror coursed through me. “Not got a hello for your husband, Olivia?” he cackled. I was vaguely aware of people’s voices in the distance as the line went dead.

  A hand rested on my arm and a blurred image came in close. I scrambled back, trying to fight for breath as I attempted to escape the distorted figure.

  Air suddenly slammed into my lungs and I screamed; a high-pitched blood curdling scream as Nate’s voice and face registered in my brain. “LIV!” he yelled. “LIV! Please, baby,” his heart wrenching voice came into my head and my foggy brain emptied.

  I somehow found his terrified eyes. “Liv,” he breathed, relief flooding through him as I focused on him, “Baby? What’s wrong?”

  My vacant eyes searched his, trying to decipher if this was a safe person. “Angel? Please! Talk to me,” the fear was evident in his voice as he softly spoke to me.

  I opened my mouth but my throat was so dry I couldn’t get the words out. “Somebody fetch a glass of water!” he barked at the spectators and somebody scuttled off.

  “Baby! Tell me!” he asked more firmly.

  My eyes cleared and I held his. “He . . . he . . . he’s out!” I managed to squeeze out. I heard Nate’s lungs empty as he slid down beside me and pulled me to him, ignoring the crowd of people that had come to observe the show.

  “Shush, Angel. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise. I promise, baby,” he vowed, but I knew with everything I was, that everything was not going to be okay, everything had now changed forever.

  Chapter Twenty

  I WAS HAZILY aware of water running; a trickle and splashing registering in my foggy brain. My head was pounding as I sat up in the vaguely familiar bed. I took a look at my surroundings, realising I was in Nate’s bedroom. I couldn’t remember getting there or actually remember much of anything after the phone call.

  I looked at my body, I was in just my underwear. I presumed Nate had stripped me before putting me into his bed and was now taking a shower.

  Looking for something to wear and not finding anything I slipped on Nate’s dress shirt that was hung on a hanger over the wardrobe door and made my way downstairs, slowly dragging one foot in front of the other as I groggily made my way to the kitchen.

  As I stepped off the last stair and was walking through the entrance hall a huge glass covered wall art caught my eye and I halted, staring at it.

  I gasped and advanced towards it, my mouth hung open as I came to rest before it and slid my finger over the glass, observing the piece. It measured about 3 meters by 3 meters and in the very centre were photographs of me and Nate when we were at university together; laughing in some, kissing in others or just stood together on various trips we had made.

  Around the edges were all the photos from the ‘Daddy box,’ hundreds of pictures of Jay; the ones from his birth, birthdays, Christmas and all the mile-stones from his birth through to the day he left for university and after. Nate had arranged them in chronological order around the photos of us. It took my breath away.

  I had started the ‘Daddy box’ as soon as Jay was born. It was full of photos; first scan picture, Jay’s life in pictures and scrapbooks of everything he ever drew and made. His first tooth and shoes, his first lock of hair and the clothes he had come home from hospital in, including the father’s day and Christmas cards Jay had made his Daddy every year, and one for each of Nate’s birthdays.

  There were DVD’s full of mess
ages I had recorded, from Jay to his Daddy, such as on each of Jay’s birthdays telling his Daddy how old he was, what he had received for his birthday, even the cake ceremonies were on them.

  Every single Christmas had been recorded, each with a special message for Daddy thanking him for his special gift . . . the present I had bought Jay every year specifically from his Father.

  There were even Jay’s old music cassettes and Cd’s as he had gone through different genres of music through his life, photos of him with his first girlfriend and his friends so Nate would have an image of them if Jay ever talked about them.

  There were letters from Jay to his father, every year from the age of twelve, updating Nate of everything that had happened that year in his life. There were important education documents from Jay’s life; His school and university acceptance letters, his school and college certificates and his exam certificates and lastly the photos of him, laying in hospital fighting for his life.

  It was Jay’s life in a box, every single aspect of it and it was all done from me and Jay, purely for Nate so he could have some of the memories along with us.

  “Thank you for those,” I heard Nate say quietly behind me. I turned to face him. “For the box . . . it helped,” he added.

  I nodded. I didn’t know what to say to him to help the pain of it all. “I’m so sorry Nate, I . . .” I swallowed, not having the words to express how I felt.

  He walked towards me and cupped my cheek. “I’m sorry for the things I said, I was . . . I was drunk and angry and stunned.”

  “I know, Nate.” I sighed. “What you have done, it’s beautiful.” I smiled, pointing to the wall frieze.

  He smiled softly and swiped his thumb over my cheekbone. “That’s because it contains my beautiful family,” he said tenderly, gazing into my eyes. “Will he . . . will Jay still meet me?”

  “Of course he will. He’s waited nineteen years to meet you,” I told him then walked into the kitchen. Nate followed me and switched on the coffee machine, taking the cups from the cupboard. “He knew all about you, Nate. There wasn’t a single day that we didn’t talk about you. You know he’d come running in from school, showing me something he had drawn especially for you and asking me to put it in the box for you.” I smiled sadly.