The NSC Boxset: Heart of Stone

by D H Sidebottom

  Was this payback for Dean and Lee or was its God’s way of saying I didn’t deserve to be happy. I was a slut, a fucking whore; Dane said so, Lee said so . . . I must be the biggest whore around.

  I felt something snap inside me and I yanked at my hair in self-disgust, trying to tear it out in revulsion as I clawed at my face, wanting to rip away the dirty skin, my filthy foul skin.

  A sob broke out as I continued to pull and claw and scratch at myself, wanting to peel my skin away from me, it was poisonous and toxic. It’s what held the evilness inside me, the badness and vice held beneath it. I wanted to rip it away and pull all the sin out and wash it down the drain, watch it swirl into hell.

  Blood trickled down my face from under my fingernails as I tore at my skin, ripping it off me. The room filled with a low pitched hum but I didn’t realise it was coming from me until Mason appeared from nowhere and pulled me from the shower and pinned me onto his lap.

  I could see his mouth moving, his eyes drowned in worry and anguish but the humming in my ears was getting louder. It was deafening, a long pitch that was driving me crazy.

  I screamed and held my hands to my ears to try and stop it. I couldn’t stop screaming and scratching. I faintly saw Courtney in front of me through the blur before I felt the sharp sting of her slap across my face. The sting of the slap halted the humming and screaming immediately and I froze.

  “Ava . . . god damn it!” Mason choked out as Courtney patted his shoulder and smiled tenderly at him before she left us alone.

  “Baby . . .” he sobbed, “Look at what you’ve done!” He reached into the bath behind him and took the facecloth and started to gently wipe at my face, wincing and cringing as he wiped away the torn skin and blood. “Why Ava . . . Why . . . ?” he rasped as he continued to clean me up. “Jesus.”

  I couldn’t talk, I was too numb and I wanted to be numb, I didn’t want to feel or think or smell. I just wanted to die!

  Mason gently laid me on the bed and huddled in behind me. “Ava . . .” he whispered as he stroked my hair tenderly, his other arm gripped round my stomach, holding me tightly to him. “Baby . . . Why?” His voice was full of pain and desolation.

  I just stared at the wall and wondered what would come next. My life had been one long fucking struggle, a daily toil.

  “I need to get it out,” I whispered.

  I felt Mason still behind me. “What? Get what out?”

  I shook my head. Was he stupid? “The filth, Mason.”

  “I don’t understand, Ava.” His voice was quiet and apprehensive.

  “The filth, Mason! The dirt, the smut . . . the sin. It’s inside me and I can’t get it out.” I shivered at the thought of it crawling round my body, through my veins and clogging every pore.

  Mason swallowed heavily and was silent for a while. “Baby, why do you think that . . . that you’re dirty?” he asked low and hesitantly.

  I huffed. “Even you can see it Mason. I feel it, inside me, crawling through me, attracting monsters and evil . . . they’re always after me because I’m riddled with it and they come after it,” I hissed.

  After a silent moment I felt him slip out of bed and he left the room.

  Leaving me alone in the darkness I saw shapes shifting and swirling on the walls, trying to reach out to me. The evil from the pits of hell, had they come for me? Finally ready to drag me down with them, take over what was left of my soul and deliver it, take it where it belonged . . . in hell!

  I cocked my head at them and I reached out to them. I was ready, ready to burn, ready to pay and ultimately ready to join Katie . . . But Katie wouldn’t be in hell, she would be in heaven; she was everything that was good and pure. She wouldn’t have been dragged down; she would have been flown upwards to the heavens.

  I didn’t want to go with them . . . not to hell, even though I knew that’s what I deserved. I shook my head and reared back. “No!” I gasped. “No, I don’t want to!” I scrambled up the bed, desperate to get away from them. “NOOOOOOOO!” I screamed as they came closer, now whispering my name, ‘Ava, Ava, Ava, Ava. . . . ’ Over and over, their high pitched shrieks tearing at my ears and I covered them with my hands. “NOOOOOOO PLEASE!” I was trembling. Sweat was pouring from every pore on my body. “I DON’T WANT TO GO.” I sobbed as I crushed my hands against my ears to block out their screeches.

  Mason’s arms enveloped me and pulled me into him. “Mason. . . . stop them, they’re trying to take me . . . don’t let them. I don’t want to go . . . Mason pleaseeeee,” I cried as he rocked me tightly to him.

  “I won’t let them take you baby, I promise. I won’t let anybody hurt you Ava,” he whispered in my ear.

  I shook my head vehemently. “But you will . . . you let Dane hurt me . . . I know you will, you’ll let them drag me down there. I don’t want to go to hell Mason. I want to be in heaven with Katie and my mom . . .” I turned on to my knees and took his hands, begging him. “Please, help me,” I pleaded and his face crumpled.

  “Baby. . . . please . . . Ava . . .” he sobbed.

  Courtney came to me. “Go Mason, I’ll take care of her,” she told him but he shook his head.

  “I’m not leaving her Courtney,” he refused but she pulled him away.

  “Just ten minutes Mason, just until your mum gets here. Go get a drink or something; she’ll be fine with me. I promise.”

  He sighed but nodded. “Ten minutes. What the hell’s wrong with her Courtney?”

  She squatted down in front of him and wiped his tears with her thumb. “Mason, she . . . she’s finally had enough. Her brain can’t cope with everything . . . she’s having a breakdown.”

  He swallowed and bit his bottom lip. “It’s my fault Courtney, I’ve done this to her!” he sobbed.

  “Go, go and take a break Mason. Go and sit with your babies, kiss them, snuggle them, just be with them for a little while.”

  He gazed at her then sighed and stood. “Shout me if you need me.”

  She nodded. “I’ll be fine, go on.”

  She turned to me and grasped my hands. “I’m here, Ava. I won’t let them take you, babe. I promise. We’ll fight them off together.”

  I nodded frantically. “Don’t let them, Courtney. They want my soul, they want to take me and burn me. Don’t let them,” I implored, my eyes huge as I scanned the room at the shadows that refused to leave me.

  I huddled into Courtney, tight into her as she embraced me. I closed my eyes, shut them all out but I could still hear them, cackling and shrieking my name. I cringed at the sound. “TELL THEM TO SHUT UP!” I cried as I covered my ears again.

  “Shush, Ava,” Courtney whispered as she clung to me, “It’s okay babe, they’ll be gone soon.”

  I looked at her, my eyes wide and delirious as I nodded, “Yes, Yes. They’ll go soon.” I nodded again, more firmly this time. “Go!” I shouted to the shadows.

  I froze as a shadow merged into a shape, a human form and I gasped, “Katie?” I laughed and cried and reached for her, “Katie, you came for me. I want to come with you Katie . . . I’m ready Hun.”

  I scrambled towards her but Courtney held me back. “No Ava.”

  I kept trying to reach her, I needed to get to Katie. She had come all this way for me, to help me and take me with her. “I’m coming, Katie,” I cried but Courtney’s arms got stronger.

  “Get off me,” I shouted to her. “I need to go with Katie.” I snarled at her, a proper snarl with my teeth bared and spit flying. “GET OFF ME!!!” I screamed at her but she wouldn’t let me go so I pushed her backwards.

  Her eyes widened and she shook her head slowly. “Ava please . . . I’m pregnant Ava, don’t hurt me. I know you don’t want to,” she urged but I looked at her in disgust.

  “Then let me go!” I spat but she shook her head.

  I slapped her and slapped her again. “MASON!” she screamed as I grabbed the top of her arms and shook her.

  “LET ME GO!” I screeched as I scrambled off the bed and onto
the floor, crawling desperately to Katie.

  Mason’s arms slipped round me and he braced me securely. “NOOOOOO!!” I screamed as Katie reached out to me one last time and then disappeared.

  I kicked and wrestled against him. “She’s gone you fucking bastard . . . you fucking cunt . . . she went without me!” I roared at him.

  He still had a firm hold on me as he turned to Courtney. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, just a slap.” She shrugged but her eyes filled with tears.

  “Ring Sam,” he stated bluntly and she nodded then left.

  “I hate you, I hate you!” I spat at Mason as I struggled against him.

  “I know Ava, I know and right fucking now, I fucking hate me too.” He wrestled me onto the bed as the bedroom door opened and a woman I had never seen before looked at us.

  Her eyes looked pained and worried. “Help me,” I begged her, I had no idea who she was but she looked like she might help; she had kind eyes. “They’re trying to drag me into hell but I don’t want to go. Mason won’t let me go with Katie and I just want it to end . . . I want to die!” I sobbed.

  She nodded at me. “I know Sweetie, I’m gonna make it all better for you.” She smiled softly at me and stroked my hair.

  “She’s very beautiful.” She tipped her head at Mason and smiled softly, her eyes warm and gentle. “I remember her but she . . . she was different then.” She took a breath and cupped Mason’s cheek lovingly. “Do you love her?” she asked him gently and he nodded.

  “Help her mum, stop what she’s doing to herself, please . . . just . . . do something to help her.”

  She nodded and turned back to me, softly stroking my arm. “You have beautiful skin Ava . . . so soft.”

  I cocked my head as her voice mellowed me, soothed me; it was so soft and quiet as her soft strokes lulled me. “Yes. My skin belongs to Mason, I don’t think you’re allowed to touch me,” I told her seriously.

  She smiled again as I felt Mason’s hard grip on my arm and a sharp scratch against my skin.

  I dropped my head back as whiteness shrouded my vision and my body relaxed, everything seemed to float and I could feel myself slipping, “Thank Y . . .”

  CHAPTER 41

  MY EYES WERE way too heavy and I felt sick, my mouth was extremely dry and my face was sore.

  What the hell?

  I groaned against the sunlight that was streaming through the open curtains, swallowing at the dryness but the effort was too much. My body felt heavy and tired but I dragged myself to the edge of the bed and climbed onto the floor. I needed a drink desperately.

  “Whoa, Ava.” Mason appeared in front of me and lifted me back onto the bed. “Stay there, baby.” He smiled softly at me and stroked my hair back.

  “Drink,” I rasped. He nodded and reached for a glass of water. Sitting me back against the headboard, he placed the glass to my lips and I gulped greedily at it, the soothing liquid calming my throat instantly. “Thank you.” I smiled faintly at him and he pursed his lips.

  “How you feeling?”

  I shrugged. “My head hurts and I feel a bit sick. How much did I drink?” I squinted against the light in the room.

  Mason walked over and pulled the blind closed. I rolled my head around my neck and tried to stand up but my legs felt like jelly. “Ava . . .” Mason shot over to me and caught me before I collapsed.

  “I need to pee, Mason,” I scowled.

  He nodded and wrapped an arm around my waist. “I’ll take you,” he stated as he scooped me up, deciding it was easier than walking me there.

  Leaning me against the wall, he pulled my shorts down and then sat me on the toilet. He crouched in front of me as I peed, a faint smile lifted his lips and I smiled back and shrugged. “You’ve seen worse.” His expression grew serious, his face was agonised and bleak and he gave me a gentle nod.

  “Bath?” he asked as he drew a finger over my cheek, over the edge of my ear and across my jaw. I nodded. “Stay sat,” he ordered as he rose and turned on the bath taps, pouring in some bath crème and then turned back to me.

  “What did you do last night?” he asked quietly.

  I frowned at him. “What do you mean?” I studied him, not quite able to work out his mood.

  He cocked his head, “What’s the last thing you remember Ava?” He turned away and swirled the bath water.

  I shrugged. “I got drunk and took a shower and . . .” I wasn’t sure, everything was blank after my shower and I scurried through my memories to recall my last actions last night.

  Mason sighed and lifted the small mirror off the wall, the one he always used for shaving in and held it in front of me. I gasped and my eyes widened. I gingerly put a finger over one of the scratches, one of many and winced at the soreness. I was covered in what looked like claw marks and deep scratches. “What happened?” I asked hesitantly, wondering if Dane had returned while I slept.

  He inhaled deeply. “You did it, Ava.”

  I pulled a face at him, “What?”

  He turned off the taps and helped me up, stripping me down and then swooped me up and gently placed me in the bath. He stripped naked and climbed in behind me. I stiffened as he pulled me back against his chest. “Damn it Ava, relax,”

  I huffed but made myself lean back against him, the first touch of his bare skin touching mine bringing out a deep sigh. I needed him, the closeness of him, the scent of him, and the feel of him along with the security he surrounded me with. I rested my head back on his shoulder. He smiled and kissed my head. “Good girl,” he whispered and I snuggled my head against his neck. “Ava . . .” he sighed.

  “Mmmm,” I murmured back.

  “You need to see a doctor. I’ve made arrangements for you and I want no arguments, Ava.

  I frowned. “What the hell for Mason?”

  His legs curled around mine and his foot slipped up and down my calf. “Baby, you . . . you had some sort of . . . hell! I don’t know what it was but it wasn’t good.”

  I turned my head to look at him, “Mason I was just drunk.” His sad smile concerned me and I regarded him. “What happened?” I asked warily.

  His eyes fixed on mine. “We think you had some sort of temporary breakdown. You . . . you thought angels from hell were coming to take you away and . . . and you clawed at yourself, saying you had to get the evil out.” He tightened his arms and legs round me and I wondered if he thought I was going to do a runner. “Baby, I was so scared, I didn’t understand what was happening and I . . . I had to call my mother out to sedate you.”

  I slipped around to face him; my body stretched out over his. His hands cupped my bottom to hold me up to him and I scanned his face “But you don’t . . . you don’t see your mother anymore.” I narrowed my eyes on him. “You never did tell me why but I can’t understand how you would call her out of the blue.”

  He sighed and sucked on his lips. “Ava . . .” He lifted a hand to my face and palmed my cheek tenderly. “Ava, I was so frightened, I’ve never seen . . . it broke my heart to watch you . . . like that, you were terrified, really terrified, baby and it was the only thing I could think of . . . to phone my mother. She came straight away and well, we talked, built a few bridges, you know,” he shrugged.

  I smiled gently, “I’m glad my fuck up’s came in useful.”

  His face darkened immediately. “Don’t say that, Ava,” he hissed and I shrank back a little. “Don’t ever say that again.” He slid backwards so he was sat up more and I was now kneeling between his knees. “You said . . . you said you wanted to . . . to die Ava,” he choked out. I looked away and he narrowed his eyes on me. “How long have you felt like that?” I shrugged. “Ava! I need the fucking truth!”

  “I don’t know, Mason!” I stood up and climbed out of the bath. “Leave it!” I asserted as I snatched up a towel.

  He swiftly climbed out behind me and gripped my arms. “God damn it Ava, talk to me, that’s the reason we’re in this mess because you bottle everything in until it breaks yo
u and shatters your mind. You didn’t see yourself last night Ava, you smacked Courtney and shook her like a fucking doll!”

  My face paled. “Oh my God.” I shrank back against the vanity, my breathing escalating and my heart clenched.

  “Relax, she’s fine but you weren’t you . . . You were . . . well anyway I’ve made you an appointment with a psychologist and you are going whether you like it or not. You need to talk about things, it’ll help I promise.”

  I stared at him. What the hell had happened last night? I couldn’t remember a single thing and the thought that I had hurt Courtney sickened me.

  I pulled the towel round me and walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my face with my hands and contemplated everything. Pulling the towel around me tightly as if it would protect me, I walked into the bedroom and perched on the edge of the bed.

  Mason knelt between my legs on the floor and took my hands in his, pulling them away from my face. He leant up and brushed his lips over mine. “I need to say one thing Ava and I need you to accept what I say, okay?” He looked at me seriously. “What happened with Dane and Lee and all the other filthy bastards that touched you, that hurt you . . . none of it and I mean NONE of it was your fault. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t give off any signals to make them think you wanted it and you definitely didn’t deserve it. You understand, Ava? It was nothing you did. Some people . . . well some people think because they want something it gives them the right to take it and they don’t care who they hurt while they take it. I don’t think you’re a whore, a slag or that you did anything to warrant everything that’s happened to you. You are the most loving, caring warm person I know, Ava. You are not promiscuous, hell it took me some serious work to break through your shell. You never give yourself openly and flirting doesn’t come naturally for you, so NO you didn’t ask for it baby and that’s the reason I love you, because you have to care before you sleep with somebody, you have to care before you open yourself up, so you definitely did not ask for everything you’ve gone through.”