Intergalactic Pain in the Ass

by Jaide Fox

  Shrugging, Cole followed him. He was moving rapidly, and she had some trouble keeping up at first, but as they neared the village of the whoopi, he slowed and began to creep forward more stealthily. They stopped when they reached a point of observation and settled down to wait for the cover of darkness. They didn't have long to wait. It was dusk by the time they reached the village.

  The nagy had told them that it was most likely that the whoopi had stolen the crystal for their sacred temple. By the time they'd found a point where they could see the temple, it was dark enough that they'd had to move with great care to keep from stumbling over something and alerting the whoopies to their presence.

  The smell of cooking food wafted toward them as they waited and Sharmin's stomach rumbled. Cole was glad she'd had the forethought to bring a couple of pieces of fruit. Taking them from the small pack strapped around her waist, she silently handed one to Sharmin. He smiled faintly in appreciation and Cole felt an uncomfortable flutter somewhere in the region of her heart. An answering smile curved her own lips before she thought better of it and looked away, concentrating on eating her own piece of fruit.

  By the time they'd finished, the cooking fires of the whoopies were already beginning to burn lower and the whoopies had begun to disappear into holes dug into the ground. The little things were like termites, but she supposed it was cooler underground than above. It made her uneasy to wonder how many there were underground, just waiting for some hapless fool to wander into their midst.

  They waited until the stars began to wink on in the night sky, one by one, and they could see well enough to determine than most of the whoopies had settled in for the night.

  Finally, as if on cue, they both rose, stretched to relieve their cramped muscles, and began to make their way slowly and carefully toward the falls, stopping now and then to listen for movement and peer through the darkness toward the holes littering the ground. Once they reached the outskirts of the “village", they scurried quickly toward the temple.

  Chapter Eight

  The falls were more of a slow trickle than any grand crashing of water, but they produced a small masking sound that would work in their favor or against them. They might not be able to hear the whoopi sneaking up on them, but then again, unless something went horribly wrong, she thought their chances were good of escaping unscathed.

  The temple was shrouded in darkness. To Cole's relief, Sharmin fished a light from his pouch. He didn't dare turn it on, however, until they were fully inside and shielded from view of any of the whoopi who might still be stirring. Feeling their way along the walls, they moved cautiously inside. Cole's heart was in her throat as visions of Indiana Jones flickered through her mind. It'd be just like those sneaky little bastards to plant booby traps for intruders!

  To her relief, Sharmin finally flicked the light on and fanned it around the area.

  "Watch for traps,” she cautioned.

  "Traps?"

  "Primitives on my world had a nasty habit of setting up traps to catch people that went into places where they weren't supposed to be. They'd dig pits, cover it with something so you wouldn't notice it, then put sharp sticks or man eating beasts in the bottom so you'd fall in and die."

  Sharmin looked horrified. “You're kidding, right?"

  "Do I look like I'm kidding? I'm as serious as a heart attack. Watch out for anything that looks even a little out of place—maybe I should go first? I've got some idea what to look for."

  Sharmin hesitated. She could tell he was torn between his certainty that she was probably right and it would be best for somebody that had some clue to go first, and his peculiar brand of chivalry. His protectiveness was disturbingly endearing-and completely at odds with his willingness to take unfair advantage of her sexually.

  Shaking her head, Cole moved to the front. “I'll be careful, but the object here is to get that crystal and get the hell off this planet. I'm not going to be any better off if you trip some kind of booby trap."

  He handed her the light and she examined the floor, the walls and the ceiling carefully. “All right, the entrance looks safe,” she said. Bending to the ground, she took the pack off her waist and scooped dirt into it, filling it up and then strapping it on again.

  "What's that for?” he asked, giving her a curious look.

  "Just in case,” she said, straightening and moving cautiously forward.

  "In case of what?” he persisted.

  She threw him an irritated look. “I saw it in a movie once, okay?"

  "Jesus!” he exclaimed. “We're screwed."

  Cole ignored that remark and started down the corridor. Irritated by his lack of confidence, she couldn't resist the urge to fuck with his mind. After she'd gone only a couple of yards, she stopped abruptly. Placing her back against the wall, she inched very carefully around one particular stone.

  "What is it?” Sharmin whispered anxiously.

  "Booby trap—whatever you do, don't step on that stone!"

  Sharmin turned a little pale and very carefully mimicked her actions. He'd gotten halfway around the stone when she gave him a shove. He yelped when he landed in the middle of the stone, squeezing his eyes shut.

  Cole giggled. “Gotcha!"

  Sharmin glared at her. “You are such a bitch. You scared the shit out of me!"

  "Sorry, I just couldn't resist."

  "You are more trouble than you're worth,” he muttered, getting to his feet. “Quit screwing around. We need to get that crystal and get out of here."

  She nodded, trying to look subdued and agreeable. “You're right. No more screwing around."

  She began moving again, more quickly now. They reached an intersection of corridors. Cole examined each passage carefully. The floor at their feet was clean and free of dust. There was no way to tell which of the corridors might lead to the crystal. The one they were following, however, seemed to be leading directly to the heart of the temple.

  "This way,” Cole said.

  "How can you tell?"

  "I can smell their footprints."

  Sharmin gave her a look. “I'm not stupid. If you had such a grand sense of smell, you would've been running like hell before those whoopies got hold of you."

  Cole bit her lip to repress a smile. “I'm guessing. Does that make you feel better?"

  A faint smile curled Sharmin's lips. “Not especially."

  "You want to try one of the other corridors?"

  "We might as well go with your gut instinct."

  Cole was a little surprised, but finally shrugged and turned away again. They had been walking for several minutes when Cole was seized by her demons once more. Stopping abruptly, she flashed the light over the stones, the floor, the ceiling, the walls.

  "What is it?” Sharmin whispered nervously.

  "I don't know,” Cole whispered back. “I thought I heard ... something."

  "Like what?” Sharmin whispered.

  "Shhhh,” she said. “Did you hear that?"

  Sharmin was wide-eyed when she flashed the light in his face. “I didn't hear anything.” He looked around nervously, but blackness surrounded the small puddle of light.

  Cole shrugged. “It's gone now.” She started forward again but halted so abruptly that Sharmin slammed into her back. “There it is again!"

  Sharmin's eyes narrowed when she turned around. “Are you screwing with me again?"

  Cole couldn't help it. She snickered.

  Sharmin ground his teeth. “So help me, if you don't quit screwing around, I'm going to turn you over my knee and beat your ass."

  Cole looked him over, but she doubted she could take him on. “Honestly, can't you ever think of anything but sex?"

  Sharmin's jaw went slack. Before he could think of a retort, Cole, smiling to herself, turned away and started down the corridor once more. They came, at last, to a great chamber. Cole knew this by the fact that the light didn't even penetrate far enough to illuminate the walls or the ceiling. A shiver skated down her spine. The tem
ple hadn't looked that big outside.

  Advancing more cautiously, she trained the light in first one direction and then another. Finally, she was rewarded by the glint of refracted light. She brought the light back to that point and saw what looked to be a huge monstrous beast crouching in what appeared to be the center of the room.

  Her heart stopped abruptly, and then began hammering at her ribcage. After several moments, however, she realized that it was the light that was moving and not the beast. Flashing the light at the floor, she moved closer and then illuminated the statue again.

  A nervous giggle welled in her throat. The great crouching beast was a giant reproduction of the whoopi. Undoubtedly, this was their god. Before it on an altar lay the crystal they'd been searching for.

  "That's it!” Sharmin exclaimed, surging forward.

  "Wait!” Cole said, grasping his wrist as he rushed past her. “It could be booby trapped!"

  He gave her a look. “I'm not falling for that again."

  "I'm serious,” Cole said, frowning.

  He shook his finger at her. “No more screwing around. Let's get the crystal and go."

  Cole gripped his arm more tightly. “I'm not kidding this time. Let's just be careful about this."

  Releasing his arm, she fanned the light around the area, studying it carefully. There were scrape marks, she noticed, on the floor near the altar. She couldn't tell what had made them, and even her fertile imagination didn't supply her with any possibilities, but she decided to err on the side of caution.

  Cole handed Sharmin the light telling him to keep it on the crystal. Removing her pack, she balanced it in her hand, trying to judge whether the weight was the same as the crystal. Finally deciding that the weight was roughly the same, she grabbed the crystal and dropped the pack in the space it had occupied in a smooth move worthy of any movie heroine.

  The crystal was surprisingly heavy, she thought as she handed it to Sharmin, who tucked it in his pack. Abruptly, the grinding scrape of rock sounded in her ears. Cole didn't even glance back. “Run!” she shouted, snatching the light from Sharmin and dashing back across the room.

  The floor began to shake beneath her feet. Sharmin, who apparently thought she was fucking with him again, was slow to react. Cole stopped and shone the light back towards him. “Run, you fool!"

  Without further prompting, he dashed toward her. Grasping her hand as he ran past, he dragged her down the corridor. Behind them, they could hear the crash of stone against stone. The floor shook beneath their feet, so that they stumbled back and forth, colliding with the walls of the corridor with bruising force.

  "What happened?” Sharmin gasped, racing towards the tiny wedge of night sky they could see at the end of the corridor.

  "Damned if I know,” Cole said, “But I'm not waiting around to find out!"

  The sound of breaking stones followed closely upon their heels as they ran for all they were worth. Sand and debris rained down upon them. With a final burst of effort, they launched themselves from the mouth of the corridor, landing in a heap just outside.

  An ominous roaring behind them galvanized them into renewed action, and they scrambled to their feet and leapt away from the mouth of the tunnel just as a tidal wave of water burst through it.

  "Shit!” Cole gasped, catching her breath. “It really was booby trapped!"

  "Must've been tied in somehow with the waterfall,” Sharmin murmured.

  Gasping for breath, they looked around to get their bearings. Below them, no doubt alerted by the ungodly racket emerging from the temple, torches appeared as the whoopi poured out of their burrows.

  "Oh hell!” Hauk said. “I think we've been discovered."

  Grasping her hand again, Hauk raced around the backside of the temple and began to clamber down the side of it. There were no stairs on the backside. The temple, built much like a pyramid in tiers, didn't present as much of a challenge to him as it did to Cole.

  Leaping from tier to tier, he reached up to catch Cole as she jumped to him. Finally, they reached the bottom and began to make their way back around to the path they'd followed to reach the village of the whoopi.

  All around them, even above the roar of the great waterfall that was rushing down the face of their temple, they could hear the furious cries of the whoopi as they pursued them.

  Hauk knew it was dangerous to keep the light. It made it easier for the whoopies to spot them, however, it was nearly as dark in the jungle as it had been in the temple, and he knew they'd have no chance of finding the path without the light.

  It was risky to follow the path, but it was also the straightest and shortest way back to the ship. They really had no choice but to find it and follow it. He might have a chance of outrunning the whoopi if he'd been by himself. He knew Cole wouldn't be able to.

  They were both out of breath by the time they found the path. He pulled Cole to a halt, forcing her to rest a few moments and catch her breath.

  "We can't stop now,” she gasped breathlessly. “They're right on our heels."

  "Just a couple of minutes,” Sharmin reassured her. “We need to at least catch our breath."

  Without argument, Cole collapsed beside the path, struggling to slow her heartbeat. When her breathing became easier and less painful, she got to her feet with an effort. Catching her hand, Sharmin led the way once more. They jogged at a fairly slow pace at first, listening as the pursuit behind them gained on them. Finally, they were forced to run all out again.

  Just when Cole had reached the point when she didn't think she'd be able to continue much further, Sharmin scooped her under one arm without missing a beat and kept running.

  "We've got it!” he yelled. “And they're right on our ass!"

  Cole struggled to lift her head. To her relief, she could see the floodlights surrounding the ship. Fuzz and Sylo were running about like mad, tossing things inside the ship.

  Sharmin shifted her, tossing her over one shoulder as he dug the crystal out of his pouch. “Fuzz!” he yelled, then launched the crystal.

  Fuzz followed the path of the flying crystal and leapt up, catching it like a baseball player catching a fly ball, then dashed toward the end of the ship. Without missing a beat, Sharmin closed the distance between himself and the ship and dashed up the gangplank.

  Within moments, the screaming of a hundred demonic whoopies invaded the clearing. The stomping of running feet heralded Fuzz's dash inside. As soon as Fuzz cleared the door, Sylo retracted the gangplank, sealed the door, and kicked the ship into ignition.

  Sharmin eased Cole from his shoulder and lowered her to the deck. They collapsed into the passenger chairs in the cockpit and strapped in just as Sylo lifted off and the ship shot into the sky.

  Sharmin peered out the porthole near his chair, smiling grimly at the whoopi, who were jumping up and down and screaming in fury.

  Chapter Nine

  As soon as Sylo had reached space and it was safe to do so, Hauk unfastened his belt and tossed it aside. He was exhausted. He'd been up most of the night outrunning screaming demons. Cole, he saw, was half asleep in her chair. Unfastening her belt, he pulled her to her feet and pointed her in the direction of the cabin they shared.

  She protested half-heartedly, but he thought it was more for show than anything else. As soon as he pushed her through the door of their cabin, she staggered across the room and climbed into the bed. She was asleep even before he'd gotten undressed. Crawling in beside her, he told the computer to dim the lights. It was the last thing he remembered.

  When he woke several hours later, Cole was gone. Still more than half asleep, he patted the bed beside him in search of her for several moments before it filtered through to his brain that he was in bed alone.

  Vaguely irritated, he burrowed a little deeper into the bed and sought sleep once more, but he realized fairly quickly that he wasn't going to be able to sleep anymore. Grumbling, he tossed the covers aside and staggered toward the head, weaving drunkenly as he crossed the cab
in floor. A long, hot particle shower revived him and sloughed the grime from his body. The cruder shower system, rather than the laser incinerators he was used to, relaxed his sore muscles and revitalized his mind.

  When he emerged some time later, Cole was sitting at the head of his bed—their bed, her hands curved around a steaming beverage. On a table nearby sat a second steaming cup. The scent wafting toward him on the steam told him it was the caffeinated beverage the Earth people called coffee. Just what he needed! Something to jump start his system.

  He hadn't realized they'd even had anything like that on board.

  Ruffling his tangled hair, he smiled at the unaccustomed treat of having someone bring refreshment to him, but it was lost on Cole who, after glancing briefly in his direction, studiously ignored him.

  Miffed, he picked up the cup and settled on the bed at her feet, near enough that he only had to lean slightly to set the cup down between sips.

  When he glanced at Cole again, he saw that she was studying the beverage in her cup as if the cup was some sort of viewing screen. He ran a hand over his jaw and chin, but he hadn't missed any whiskers. He'd cleaned his teeth. He wasn't dirty. There was only one conclusion to draw from her determination not to look at him.

  She found his disguise unattractive.

  He felt like somebody had knocked the wind out of him.

  He couldn't even remember a time when women hadn't found him attractive. Even though he and Cole had been at each other's throats almost from the moment they'd first met, he'd known, from the way she looked at him when she thought he wouldn't notice, that she found him physically appealing, at least. They rubbed each other the wrong way, but he'd still found her attractive, both physically and otherwise, and he'd been certain she felt the same way.

  He frowned, sipping the hot liquid carefully. He'd changed his physical appearance, but underneath, he was still Hauk and he'd assumed she would still find him irresistible. It was more than a little deflating to think that it hadn't been him women had been attracted to any of the time, but rather his appearance, and possibly his position.