The Virus Man
Page 38
There was nothing more to be said, and she stood there against the door jamb with her hands in her pockets and her head bent so that her hair half-hid her face, trying to think of what she could do to comfort him, seeking a way out of the maze for him, but there was no way. He was caught in the most complex of traps and there was no escape for him at all, and after a moment she said lamely, ‘You’re staying with June, of course.’
‘Of course.’
‘You’d rather I left the town, I imagine. Not just the job. The town.’
Again there was a silence and then he said, ‘Yes.’
She nodded, still not looking up. ‘Very well. I’ll leave as soon as I can get away.’
‘Jessie, I ….’
Now she did look at him, and for a moment it was there, the need for her, the feeling she had been nursing for him all these months there for her, too. It was too late but it was there and she smiled at him and said gently, ‘Never mind, Ben. Put it down to bad luck. That’s all. Bad luck.’
She turned and opened the door, and beyond it the laboratory looked big and dark, and behind her she heard Castor and Pollux wake up at the sound of the opening door and begin to chatter, and she looked back over her shoulder and said, ‘Well, Ben, thanks for … I’m glad I did it all, you know. I’d never have got away without the job, so at least that much has come out of it all. It may sound selfish to say so, but still – at least you don’t have to feel bad about me.’
‘Of course I do,’ he said, and though his voice was flat and colourless she could hear the pain in it. ‘Of course I bloody well do.’
‘Don’t. It’s worked out quite well for me, after all … I’ve got a lot out of these past months. A lot.’
‘You’re trying to make me feel better. Don’t. It only makes it worse.’
‘It’s true, Ben, it really is. I’ve found me, you see. Without this job I’d still be Mrs Hurst of Purbeck Avenue, wouldn’t I? As it is, I’m Jessie Hurst of nowhere in particular. I like that. It’s … it’s exhilarating, really. All sorts of things are possible for me now.’
‘I’d like to believe that.’
‘Then do. Because it’s true.’
‘I’ll try.’
She moved forwards out into the shadowy laboratory, and he stood and watched her, and she said quickly, ‘Ben … I hope the baby’s all right. It would be dreadful if … I do hope it’s all right.’
‘Yes,’ he said, and then laughed suddenly and she looked back at him once more, startled by the sound, and he said, ‘Isn’t it ridiculous? It’ll be the last of the human trials on Contravert, won’t it? How’s that for devotion to original research? Doing a human trial on your own child! Oh, I’ll certainly go down in the annals, won’t I, Jess? I certainly will go down in the annals ….’
‘You could,’ she said. ‘But not for that reason. Let me know when you’re ready to start again, Ben. You will be one of these days, I think. You’ll find it again – your … I don’t know … courage, I suppose. And when you do, I’ll be interested to know. You can find me through the bank. I’ll tell them to forward letters. Goodbye, Ben.’
He said nothing, just staring at her, and she pulled the door closed behind her and moved across the dark laboratory surefootedly, avoiding the hazards, knowing every bench and every stool intimately, and on out into the corridor and then into the dark car park. In the distance she could hear the traffic in the main road and she thought – I’ll buy a car tomorrow. Buy a car and pack my things and call Peter and Mark, it’s only right to say goodbye, and I’ll go away. I don’t know where, but I’ll go away. There has to be something for me to do somewhere. I’ll go and find it.
And she pushed her hands into her coat pockets and set out to walk back to the hotel. It felt rather good, being on her own. It was the first time she had been completely alone in all her life, the first time she had had no one to rely on but herself. And it felt better than she would have thought it possibly could.
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