by Chloe Walsh
"But you guys found it." It wasn’t a question, more like a statement of fact. "You found your way back to each other."
"I love her," he replied simply. "I'd die for the woman. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her – to keep her. Hell, if I couldn’t find middle ground, I'd make it myself and drag her there with me."
"But that's the difference, Noah," I whispered, lifting my head from his chest. "That crazy passion you guys have? That 'I want to rip your clothes off and lose myself in you' feeling you get whenever you're around each other? That ride or die love? Jordan and I don’t have that." Exhaling a ragged breath, I forced myself to admit, "We've never had it."
"What are you saying here, Hope?" he asked, frowning down at me. "You want out?" He stared right into my eyes and said, "Because that's okay, too. There's no crime in admitting defeat."
"I don’t know what I'm saying anymore," I squeezed out, staring back at him. "I'm just a mess, I guess."
Noah frowned at me for what felt like an age; his dark eyes locked on my face, clearly taking my measure. "Yeah, you are," he finally said, cracking a small smile. "You look like a raccoon."
My hands automatically moved to my face. "Oh shit," I half laughed, half sobbed. "My make up?"
"Is now on your cheeks," he filled in, smirking. "Go and clean yourself up and put a smile on your face. Before Little-Irish comes back, sees you've been crying, and hunts down your husband."
"God, she would," I chuckled. I stood up and headed for the restroom, only to halt mid-step. "Noah?" I called, turning to face him. My uncle was a man of few words, but he'd given me plenty to think about tonight.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for the talk."
Noah flashed me a sympathetic smile and said, "I'm always here, Hope."
Chapter Thirty-Nine
HOPE
When I finally managed to compose my drunk ass, and clean the mascara stains off my cheeks, I slipped out of the restroom.
My head was still slightly spinning when I returned to the bar, and I was starting to really regret the damned wine. I thought about how I would feel in the morning and I groaned in pained anticipation.
Wine hangovers were the fucking worst.
I walked back to our table, but frowned when my eyes landed on half a dozen unfamiliar faces. Confused, I searched the room for my friends, and spotted Noah and Teagan on the dancefloor.
The sight of them sickeningly in love as they danced together almost caused the wine in my stomach to make a reappearance.
Thankfully, I won the battle and managed to keep it inside.
Depressed and not wanting to interrupt the lovebirds, I slid my cell out of my purse and called a cab before heading for the exit.
I needed water and lots of it. And a burger. And maybe some fries.
Yeah, grease was a really good idea right now!
I was contemplating the likeliness of the cab driver making a pit stop at the drive-thru for me when I walked outside and my drunken gaze landed on Hunter.
He wasn’t alone.
The blonde I'd seen him talking to at the bar earlier was standing under the awning with him. They were both smoking. She was talking animatedly, while he listened and laughed at whatever she was saying.
Rage burned inside of me at the sight. I had no idea why or where the horrible feeling had come from, but suddenly I wanted to walk right up to them both and throw a fit.
She was flirting shamelessly with him and I was jealous.
No, scratch that, I was beyond jealous.
I didn’t want any woman looking at him, touching him, attempting to take him home.
The thought of her putting her hands on him made me feel physically sick.
Without thinking about the repercussions of my drunken actions, I stalked right over to where they were standing.
Hunter's glazed over eyes landed on mine and he smiled warmly. "I thought you left," he said, sounding genuinely happy to see me.
Reaching up, I grabbed the cigarette dangling from his lips and tossed it away. "Are you going to fuck her?"
"Excuse me?" I heard the skinny blonde hiss from behind me, but I didn’t give a shit. Keeping my back to her, I glared up at Hunter.
"Well?" I demanded, chest heaving. "Are you?"
Hunter's brows rose in surprise, but he didn’t make any reply.
Instead, he just stared down at me, jaw slightly clenched.
"Answer me, dammit!" I hissed, pushing his chest. "Are you?"
"You're making a scene, HC," Hunter replied, voice soft, eyes dark and dangerous. "Go home."
"I can't," I managed to bite out while my body shook all over. I was making a scene. I could feel several pairs of eyes on us, but I didn’t care. Not one bit. "Do you want to fuck her?"
When he didn’t answer me, I lost it.
"Hunter, you better tell me now, dammit."
"What do you want me to say, Hope?" he demanded then, tone irritated. "How the fuck do you want me to answer that question?"
"I want you to say no," I screamed – yes, screamed – as I pushed him hard again. "Dammit, Hunter!"
"What does it matter?" His voice was resigned, his face weary. "We're not together, Hope."
It shouldn’t.
God, it shouldn’t matter.
"It matters," I countered shakily. "It matters to me."
"You need to stop," he warned, blue eyes narrowed on mine. "Now."
"Don't go home with her," I blurted out, stepping closer to him. Shaking his head, Hunter attempted to move away from me, but I didn’t let him. "Don’t do it," I begged, reclaiming the space he'd tried to put between us. "Don’t."
"Relax, honey, we were only talking," the woman behind me sneered. "You really need you get a grip."
"And you really need to fuck off," I snarled, swinging around to face her. "He's not for you, honey!"
Hunter threw his head back and made a strangled noise, almost like a laugh, but it was pained. "Jesus fucking Christ, Hope."
"He's mine," I snapped, losing every ounce of my-self-control. Like the unhinged woman I was, I fisted his shirt in my hand. "Mine," I growled, glowering at the blonde. "You got that?"
The blonde glowered at me before turning her attention to Hunter. "You know, you really ought to buy a muzzle for your girlfriend," she spat before stubbing out her cigarette and stalking off. "Possessive bitch."
As soon as she was gone and the threat was eliminated, the reality of what I'd just done crashed down on me.
Oh god, what was happening to me.
I was losing my freaking mind.
Reeling, I turned back to face Hunter.
Every ounce of blood drained from my face when I looked up at Hunter's murderous expression. His jaw was clenched tight as he glared down at me, blue eyes dark and locked on mine.
"I'm sorry," I choked out. "I don’t know what came over me."
"You can't do that to me, Hope," he bit out as a vein ticked in his neck. His voice was calm, but he looked like he was close to exploding. "Fuck," he growled. Shaking his head, he exhaled a harsh breath. "Fuck!"
"Please don’t be mad at me," I begged, words slurring a little, as I took a tentative step towards him. "Don’t hate me."
"I'm not mad at you." He exhaled a ragged breath and looked up to the sky. I could see his chest heaving as he took several sharp breaths. Finally, he swung his gaze back to me, he hissed, "Tell me what you want from me, Hope?"
"Nothing," I whispered.
"Nothing," he repeated, tone laced with disbelief.
"No, not nothing! I want…you can't…I just…" I shook my head and tried to make sense of my crazed thoughts. "I didn’t want you to leave with her," I choked out.
"Why not?" he demanded.
"I don’t know."
"Why not, Hope?"
"I told you, I don’t know!"
"Bullshit," he snarled. "Why the fuck not?"
"Just because."
"Because what?" he demanded, voice torn. "Because you
don’t want me to be happy? Because you want me to be alone and fucking miserable? Huh? Which is it, Hope?"
"Because the thought of you with another woman makes me want to die!" I screamed.
"Are you fucking with me right now?" he hissed, face reddening. Jerking closer, he cupped the back of my neck and dragged my face to his. "Are you fucking with me, Hope?"
"No," I choked out, forehead pressed to his. "The thought of you with another woman makes me crazy."
"Then how the fuck do you think I feel?" he snarled. Releasing my face, he shook his head, eyes still locked on mine. "There's only one woman I want," he roared, losing all control now. "One! And she's got a goddamn wedding ring on her finger."
"Hunter," I sobbed. "Don’t –"
"I'm yours," he snarled, chest heaving. He drew me closer, so close I could practically taste his breath on my tongue. "But you don’t fucking want me."
"Because I can't have you," I cried. "You know that."
"But you do want me," he said calmly, his blue eyes heated and locked on mine, gaging my reaction.
"I don’t," I choked out before exhaling shakily. "At least I shouldn’t."
"So, because you can't have me, you don’t want anyone else to have me?" he shot back, glaring, and drunk as I was, I didn’t miss the pain in his eyes or the way his voice cracked. "Is that it?"
"No. Yes. God, maybe!"
"Then what do you want me to do, Hope?" he choked out, shrugging helplessly. "What do you want from me?"
"Hunter…"
The sound of a car horn honking blasted loudly, distracting me. Twisting sideways, I saw the black cab pulled up at the sidewalk. "Hope Carter?" the cab guy called out from the wound down window.
"Yeah, that's me," I called out and held my palm up to him indicating I'd be five minutes.
The cab drive gave me a dirty look and tapped on his wrist.
"Go on, HC," Hunter said in a weary tone. He took one last final look at me before shaking his head and turning back towards the bar. "Go on home to your husband," he called over his shoulder.
He walked away from me, and I wanted to scream stop. I wanted to beg him not to go, but I didn’t have the right.
He wasn’t mine and I didn’t belong to him.
I was a married woman with a husband and a life waiting for me.
I needed to allow him to nip this in the bud.
I needed to allow him to be happy, and I needed to be happy for him that he was able to do it.
I just couldn’t…
"Wait," I called after him. "Don’t go back in there."
"Why? You gonna keep me company, HC?" he shot back, swinging around to face me once again. "You gonna take some time out from playing happy little wife to fuck me?"
When I didn’t respond, he stormed towards me. "You wanna come home with me, HC?" he demanded. Taking my arm, he walked me over to the awaiting cab. "Is that really what you want?" he hissed. Swinging open the door, he shoved me into the backseat then leaned into my face. "Because I've got no problem getting in this cab and giving him directions to my place."
Hunter stared hard at me before shaking his head and saying, "Didn’t think so." He tossed the cab driver a bundle of cash and said, "Make sure she gets inside before you leave."
With that, he banged his fist on the hood of the cab and walked away.
Chapter Forty
LUCKY
I woke at the crack ass of dawn to the obnoxious fucking sound of my cell ringtone as it pierced through my ears, vibrating loudly from somewhere on my bedroom floor.
Stretching out lazily, I snaked a hand under my pillow and pulled it over my face, sighing in relief when it finally stopped ringing, only to groan loudly when it started back up a few seconds later.
Goddammit!
Fisting the comforter away from my body, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and reached for my jeans. Not bothering to check who was calling, I swiped my finger across the screen of my phone and pressed it to my ear. "This better be fucking good," I growled, rubbing my eyes, as the watery sun poured through my window, aggravating my already pounding head. "Really fucking good."
"It's me," Hope's familiar voice filled my ear.
Christ.
"You okay?" I asked, voice gruff and thick from sleep, as I rubbed a hand over my jaw. She was the last person I had expected to hear from this morning. I had half expected her to run for the hills after our screwed-up confrontation last night. My gaze flicked to the alarm clock on my nightstand and I frowned. "It's eight-thirty, Hope."
"I know," she croaked, voice low and hoarse. "I'm at the front door." There was a long pause, and then she said, "I really need to see you."
My feet were moving before my brain had a chance to catch up. Like a glutton for punishment, I headed straight downstairs to let her in.
When I opened the front door, and saw her standing on the doorstep, holding both her hands up in the universal peace sign, I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face. "Did you just fall out of bed?" I asked, gesturing towards her makeup smeared face and bedhead hair.
"I couldn’t sleep," she admitted, not bothering trying to deny it.
"No?"
"I'm an asshole," she blurted out as she shifted from foot to foot. "But a really sorry one."
"You were a tad assholely last night," I confirmed, smirking.
"I was," she sighed, biting down on her bottom lip. "But I'm hoping that my previous demure and lovable character up until last night's brief meltdown counts for more, and you still want to be friends with me."
I frowned, trying to make sense of the long ass question she'd just thrown at me.
"Do you think you can forgive me?" she added, smiling sheepishly. "For being a bitch and cock-blocking you?"
"There's nothing to forgive."
"Do you mean that?"
I nodded.
Anger coursed inside of me. She didn’t cock-block me last night. She fucking expressed herself. She was honest with herself for the first time in months. Guess she was back to being in denial again.
"Yeah, HC. I do."
She kept coming back to me.
That was the crux of it.
The woman, no matter how much she claimed she didn’t want me and tried to push me away, kept coming back to me.
She was a grade A mind fuck and I was getting caught up in the fucked-up hype that came with wanting a woman like her.
She would never know how hard last night was for me. Her standing in front of me all possessive and crazy was so fucking confusing. Screw confusing; she'd all but ripped my damn heart out. The way she looked at me last night? The begging in her voice? It took everything inside of me to put her in that cab and send her away when I all I wanted to do was keep her.
"Do you think…" She paused for a moment before adding, "We could pretend last night never happened?"
"Which part?"
"The part where I stepped over the line."
I forced down a burst of frustration and nodded. "No problem."
"Great." She exhaled a huge sigh and smiled. "So, um…" Her gaze trailed up my body before landing on my face. Her cheeks were pink when she said, "Do you want to put some pants on and take a walk with me?"
Christ, this woman was fucking destroying me and I kept putting myself out there for her to ruin.
If she'd had met me first, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
Her husband was an asshole and he didn’t deserve her.
I could give her better.
I could give her more.
"Sure," I said, eyes locked on hers, breaking my own damn heart. "I'll take a walk with you, sweetheart."
Hope
Side by side, we walked for hours. It was incredibly warm outside; a sheen of dew lay on the grass beneath us as we trudged through the wooded area surrounding Teagan and Noah's impressive fifteen-acre property. Hunter didn’t try to flirt or throw an arm over my shoulder as we walked and I was grateful. I already felt like I was bein
g emotionally unfaithful to my husband. I didn’t want to add physical contact to the weight on my shoulders.
I messed up last night.
Monumentally.
All night, I had tossed and turned, thinking about how I had come this close to being with him. His words still haunted me, the painful truth a harsh reality check.
"…Then how the fuck do you think I feel? There's only one woman I want. "One! And she's got a goddamn wedding ring on her finger..."
I shouldn’t be here.
Not after last night.
But coming here was the only thing that made sense to my frazzled brain and being with him was the only thing that felt right to me.
Hunter Casarazzi stormed into my world and turned it upside down. He hit me like a wrecking ball that I never saw coming.
He seemed to make everything better. He brought this aura with him. Carefree, chilled. Relaxed. It was hard to explain. But he did.
He was just so easy to be around.
Like a breath of fresh air.
It was overwhelming and overpowering all in one. I was terrified of him. Not because he was a criminal. Not because the hands I craved had taken human life away, more than once, but because of the way he made me feel.
Right or wrong, I needed to be around him.
He was, after all, the best part of my day.
When we were together, it was as if we were running on a different wave frequency to everyone else around us. I became so caught up and consumed in him that I didn’t have time to overanalyze and freak myself out like I usually did.
In a weird way, Hunter felt like home.
Chapter Forty-One
HOPE
For the third time in a matter of weeks, I found myself sitting in Cameron's kitchen with a mug of hot chocolate in my hands as I poured my heart out.
I had no idea why I was coming to him with my troubles. Cameron was the last person on earth I usually shared my problems with.
But something inside him had changed, and he had confided in me about the baby.
