by Susan Stoker
“Conor,” Erin protested, blushing, but she didn’t say anything else, simply stared up at him with wide eyes. Her hair was mussed and she’d put on a pair of sweats and a jacket, as the evening had cooled down. She wasn’t trying to seduce him, but she was nevertheless.
“I’ll just go give your present to the guys.”
She nodded at him but didn’t take her eyes from his face.
“You look at me like that much longer and I’m not going to care who sees me kiss you.”
That broke her out of the trance she’d been in. She blinked and bit her lip as she took a small step away from him.
Conor smiled. He brought his hand up to her face and tucked the stubborn lock of hair back over her ear. He’d been doing that all day, and every time it made him want more. Want to ease his hand to her nape and pull her into him. Touch her lips with his. But he was being patient. With every touch, she was getting more and more used to him.
He heard her sigh as he turned and headed for the college students. He smiled as he held up the six-pack Erin had so thoughtfully packed and the guys cheered.
Hours later, when the frat brothers were all sleeping in their tents and darkness had descended on their little corner of the world, Conor was sitting next to Erin, their backs to the campfire, as they gazed out at the river happily bubbling along.
“How are your bites?” he asked.
“They’re okay. They’ll itch for the next couple of days, but it’s nothing I haven’t suffered through before,” Erin told him.
“You’d think with how allergic you are, you’d’ve noticed that fire ant hill next to the dishwashing station you set up,” Conor teased. He wasn’t happy she’d been bitten, especially when he saw firsthand how badly her body reacted. Within fifteen minutes of the little critters biting her ankle, it had swelled up to twice its size. But she’d calmly taken a couple of antihistamine tablets and told him she’d be fine.
“Right?” she laughed. “I guess I was concentrating too much on other stuff. It’s bad, but I’ve kinda gotten so used to seeing their mounds around, I just don’t notice them anymore.”
“You need to be more careful,” Conor warned. “Especially out here. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re not exactly within driving distance to an emergency room.” His voice lowered. “You could’ve died, bright eyes. I’ve got a satellite phone, but even with your EpiPen, there’s not much I could’ve done for you. There’s a lot I want to experience with you. So be more careful, yeah?”
She didn’t respond for so long, Conor didn’t think she was going to acknowledge what he’d said at all. But when she did, her words literally hurt his heart.
“I don’t really get what you’re doing here. But you have to understand, every day of my life since my dad walked out, I’ve known that I’m on my own. My mom is a bitch who never cared about anyone but herself. She only noticed me when she yelled at me. I have coworkers, but no one who I think would be overly upset if I never showed up at the university again. You’re the only person in my entire life who has said they would care if something happened to me.”
She folded her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She looked vulnerable and unsure about herself. Conor moved without thought. He scooted behind her and enfolded her into his embrace, wrapping his own arms around her so her back was against his chest. He covered her hands with his and simply held her.
She continued, softer now. “I don’t have a death wish, but I never thought much about watching out for fire ant mounds or making sure I had an EpiPen handy at all times simply because it didn’t matter. If I died, I died.” She shrugged. “It’s not like anyone would be upset over my death.”
“Erin—” Conor began in a tender tone.
“I’m not done,” she interrupted.
“Sorry.” He grinned, but was glad she couldn’t see it. He didn’t want her to misunderstand his humor. He didn’t like what she was saying, but loved that she was comfortable enough to be a bit snarky with him.
“But then you sauntered up to my bar with a look in your eyes I couldn’t read. I thought you were drunk at first. I had no idea you were thinking…what you said you were thinking when we were driving down here. But as the weeks went by and you kept coming back to The Sloppy Cow and making a point to talk to me as much as you did, I thought maybe you might like me. But then I’d change my mind and decide that maybe you were just being polite and agreed to come on the trip because you simply enjoyed being outdoors.”
She craned her neck and looked over her shoulder at him. “It never crossed my mind that you might worry if something happened to me because I’ve never mattered to anyone before.”
“You matter to me,” Conor said immediately.
Erin turned back around to face the river. “You matter to me too. I’ll be more careful.”
There was so much Conor wanted to say, but he instinctively knew what Erin had just shared with him was a huge step for her. He didn’t want to freak her out by telling her she was fast becoming the most important person in his life. That if she died, he’d never be the same man again. No, that was a bit much for a fun little canoe trip.
Deciding a change in subject was in order, he said, “Your shoelaces are unique.”
He felt her shift against him, giving him more of her weight as she relaxed. She held up one of the hiking boots she’d put on when they got off the river earlier. “My dad gave me this flint. It was during one of our last camping trips. He said that no true outdoorswoman would be caught dead without a way to start a fire. The laces themselves are made out of paracord and the ends are actually steel striker tools. The ferro rod looks like a decoration, but when used with the striker knives, can produce enough sparks to start a fire pretty easily.”
Conor was impressed. “How come I didn’t know about these magic laces?”
She chuckled. “I have no idea, you’re obviously a slacker.”
“So, you’ve had these laces for what…almost thirty years?”
“Well, not these exact ones. The originals my dad gave me disintegrated years ago. But I keep replacing them. The flint, however, is the same one he gave me.”
“It makes you feel closer to your dad,” Conor surmised.
Erin shrugged. “It’s stupid. He left me…us.”
“Tell me about it?”
He didn’t think she was going to, but after a moment or so, she finally sighed. “I was eight. We’d been camping the week before, on the trip I just told you about, where he gave me the shoelaces. I was in bed, and he and my mom were arguing, as usual. Frankly, I’d pretty much stopped worrying about it. They were always bitching to each other about something. When I woke up the next morning, my mom told me he’d left. He’d packed up some of his stuff and walked out on us both. He didn’t leave me a note or anything.”
“And you never heard from him again?”
“Nope.”
Conor thought about it for a long moment. Then asked, “What did your mom do?”
“Mom? She went on with her life. Made me miserable.”
“I mean, did she report him missing?”
Erin shook her head. “No. She said he told her he was done with us and that he wasn’t ever going to come back. Said he was going to send divorce papers.”
“And did he?”
Erin shrugged. “No clue. Figured it didn’t make much difference one way or another.”
Conor shifted Erin in his arms until she was sitting sideways in his lap. She put one arm around his shoulders to keep her balance and looked at him in surprise.
“Erin, it makes all the difference in the world. Did your mom ever get remarried?”
She shook her head.
“And you don’t know if he did. The government cares about that sort of thing. If he was married, taxes filed by both your mom and dad would need to reflect that. Have you ever thought about looking for him?”
Erin sighed and turned her head to look at the water again. “No. If he didn’t want anythin
g to do with me anymore, why would I bother?”
“Tell me more about your mom,” Conor asked, his law enforcement brain working overtime.
“Mom? Why?”
“I want to know everything about you,” Conor told her honestly.
“I already said she was a bitch. I wasn’t lying.”
“In what way?” Conor ran his hand up and down her thigh in a slow, steady rhythm. He wanted Erin to relax against him again. He held her securely with an arm at her back.
“Every way,” Erin said flatly. “She wasn’t ever a happy person, but after Dad left, she was even less happy. She yelled at me all the time. She drank…a lot. She told me that I was the reason Dad left and when I…” She paused then.
Conor leaned in and nuzzled the sensitive skin by her ear. He wasn’t trying to get fresh, but instead wanted to console her because it was obvious she was struggling with telling him about her childhood. But she was telling him. And that made Conor feel that much closer to her.
Making their situation seem even more intimate, Erin turned her head away from the river and rested it on his shoulder, tucking herself into him even more. One arm was already around his shoulders and she rested the other on the middle of his chest. “When I gained weight because I wasn’t happy, my mom got even worse. Instead of trying to make me feel better, she made me feel like crap. The second I graduated from high school, I was out of there and never looked back.”
“You haven’t seen your mom since then?” Conor asked, tucking her even closer to his chest.
“I didn’t say that. She knows where I work, and every now and then she’ll pop up in my life just to try to make me miserable.”
“Where does she live? In San Antonio?”
“No. Over in the Houston area.”
Conor didn’t like that her mom still tried to make her daughter’s life hell. He really didn’t like that. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that, bright eyes. From where I’m sitting, it sounds as if you’re better off without her. You’re an amazing person. You got your degree, you have a great job, and you’re kind. Not everyone is. You’re sensitive, caring, and empathetic to others around you. More importantly, you’re outdoorsy, like me, and I like being around you.”
She didn’t say anything for a long moment but Conor felt her take a deep breath, as if his words affected her deeply. Finally, she whispered, “And in shape. Don’t you mean that too?”
Conor didn’t understand her tone, but he immediately said, “No. Am I attracted to you? Yes, I think that’s obvious.” He shifted his hips under her, making sure she felt his erection under her ass. “But that’s absolutely not why I like being around you. I’ve met lots of beautiful women, bright eyes. But I’d like to think I’m not that shallow. I like you because of who you are in here.” He tapped her forehead lightly. “I’m happy you’re in shape because it allows you to more easily do things like this canoeing trip, camping, and running. Things you obviously love. But in no way is your being slender a deal breaker for me.”
Erin’s only response was to tighten her arm around his back for a moment.
They sat together for at least another half hour. Conor tried to keep their conversation light and nonthreatening. He knew he’d brought up the difficult subject of her parents, and her seemingly out-of-the-blue accusation that he was with her because of her weight was obviously a touchy subject as well.
But as they spoke about what the weather would be the next day and about the final exam she’d be giving her classes when she returned to work, Conor couldn’t put the disappearance of her father from his mind.
It sounded fishy. If the man had enjoyed spending time with his daughter as much as it seemed he did, he couldn’t imagine him just leaving as abruptly as Erin described. If he had a daughter, there was no way he’d just up and leave.
His cop senses were screaming at him that there was more to the story. He didn’t want to overstep with Erin, but he couldn’t let it go. When he got back to San Antonio, he’d speak to some of his friends. Maybe Cruz or Dax. The FBI agent and/or the Texas Ranger might be able to do some discreet searching through their databases for any information about Erin’s father. He’d need more information from her, like his name, where in Houston she’d grown up, how old her dad was, things like that, but he had time to learn those details.
“It’s getting late,” he said during a lull in their conversation. “We should probably get some rest.”
“Hmmmm,” Erin murmured against his chest.
Conor had felt her relax and give him her weight about twenty minutes ago. Her trust felt awesome, but his butt was numb and they did have another full day on the river the next day. They both needed to get some sleep.
“Come on, bright eyes. Up you go,” he urged, helping her sit up straight.
She yawned and stretched in his lap before climbing to her feet. He stood up next to her and reached for her hand. It felt natural and easy to hold her hand as they walked toward their tents. They’d set them up near the others.
Conor stood in front of her tent and took Erin’s head in his hands. “I’ve never had a date as good as this one,” he told her honestly.
“A date? Is that what this was?” she asked, a smirk on her face.
“Yup. Our first.”
“Oh. Well, all right then.”
“And because it was a date, I can’t let you go without a kiss.” Without giving her a chance to refuse, Conor leaned down.
But she didn’t refuse. She went up on her tiptoes and met his lips with hers.
Her eagerness was evident in the way she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him. But it was her hesitation and insecurity in the kiss itself that made Conor’s heart skip a beat.
If he wasn’t mistaken, she hadn’t done this very often. Her nose knocked against his and it took several passes of his tongue over her lips for her to open to him. Then when she did, she froze in his arms as he surged inside her mouth. She let him take the lead in their kiss, mimicking each and every one of his movements. It was as if she was learning what to do from him.
That brought Conor up short. He pulled his lips from hers and hugged her to him. She lay her head against his shoulder as they stood embracing each other.
Conor’s thoughts spun. Was it possible she hadn’t done this before? How? He almost couldn’t believe it. But then the implications hit him.
Virgin. Or at the very least, extremely inexperienced.
If he thought he’d felt protective of her before, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. He wanted to be the one to show her passion. What making love was all about.
He might be completely off base, but he didn’t think so. And it simply made him more determined than ever to make her his own.
He pulled back and cleared his throat, swallowing against the lump there. “I had a good time today, bright eyes. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. I’ll make sure the fire’s out. Sleep well and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thanks for being a good canoe partner,” Erin said softly. “See you tomorrow.”
Conor nodded and shoved his hands in his pockets as he watched her step into her small tent and zip it up behind her. Only then did he move. He went to the campfire and poured the bucket of water on it they’d put nearby for safety, raked the coals to make sure the flames were completely out, then headed to his own tent for some shut-eye.
The day had been exhilarating, peaceful, fun, and educational. The more time he spent with Erin, the more he learned about her and the more he liked her. He couldn’t wait for tomorrow.
5
The next day on the river was much the same as the previous one. An hour or so of lazy paddling followed by scoping out the next set of rapids, then running them. Jose and Alex tipped over once again, but for the most part the rapids were good to them.
They made camp on the US side of the river around four. Chad asked why they didn’t camp on the Mexican side and Erin informed them that
it was illegal. They could stop for breaks and emergencies, but laws prevented them from actually camping on that side.
Erin got their dinner going; they were having a simple meal of spaghetti. It was easy to cook the noodles once the water was boiling and the sauce wasn’t hard to heat up. Lunch had consisted of sandwiches, chips, and fresh fruit.
The meals were chosen for ease of transport, as well as being high in calories and satisfaction. It was important to be able to carry all the food for the multi-day trip, but also to have meals that would fill everyone up.
Food was an issue for Erin. It always had been and it always would be. Every single thing she put into her mouth stressed her out. Shaking her head, she carefully toasted the garlic bread as she looked up at Conor. He was standing off to the side with the boys, showing them animal tracks in the dirt and explaining what each was.
She couldn’t believe she’d told him as much as she had the night before about her past. She didn’t talk about herself to anyone, but Conor made it so easy. And sitting in his lap while she’d done so had made her feel safe and comforted as she’d talked about her horror of a mother and childhood.
What she didn’t tell him was exactly how much weight she’d gained after her dad had left. How she’d sneak food into her room and eat it under the covers, away from the accusing eyes of her mother. She didn’t tell him how her mom would call her names like fatty, and tell her how disgusting she was. She didn’t admit that feeling full comforted her, made her feel satisfied and happy when nothing else did. That when she was eating, she could block out the mean things her mother said about her dad and how inadequate she felt.
She didn’t tell him that even though she’d hated herself, she couldn’t stop eating.
Erin closed her eyes for a moment. Food had always been a crutch for her. It was the one thing that hadn’t ever let her down. So even now, after several surgeries, years of hard work, and too many visits to therapists to count, she still craved losing herself in food. She wanted that full feeling. That feeling of satisfaction.
