by Susan Stoker
But food also scared her. She never wanted to go back to the way she was, but every day she felt the lure of eating. It was why she spent so much time away from her apartment. If she was exercising, she couldn’t eat.
She could consume just about anything now, but was very careful about what she put in her mouth. Everything she ate could be the one thing that tipped the scales and put her back on a path of destruction. So she ate small portions, and quit way before she reached the overfull sensation she used to crave.
She’d eat the pasta with the men tonight, but only a small portion. No bread and only a little bit of the sauce. The cookies she’d brought for dessert would also go uneaten by her. She’d have an apple later to help satisfy her sweet tooth.
She’d seen Conor watching her and could tell he wanted to insist she eat more. But he got points for holding back his thoughts. She was an adult, she knew what she needed to eat and what she didn’t. Erin would be the first to admit that hadn’t always been the case, but she’d learned a lot about her body over the last eight years or so, and knew exactly how many calories she needed to function properly.
Throughout the day, she’d opened up to Conor more and more. He’d talked about his parents and sisters, and she’d reciprocated by telling him more about her dad. He’d been about the same age as she was now when he’d left, thirty-five. She had no idea where he might’ve gone. He had been an only child and his parents had been tragically killed in a car accident when he was in college. He’d had no family other than her and his wife, but apparently, that hadn’t been enough to keep him with them. She even admitted to Conor that her middle name, Dallas, was the same as his first, and how he’d been so proud to introduce her to people as Erin Dallas Gardner.
She called out to let everyone know dinner would be ready in five minutes and was sad this was the last night she’d have with Conor out here on the river. It was almost shocking to realize how much she was going to miss this. He’d said he was going to ask her out, but there was something so peaceful about sitting by the river and getting to know him. She generally wasn’t one to enjoy spending time around people. It made her nervous and she always worried over what they thought about her. But there was none of that with him.
With his little touches and smiles, not to mention the nickname he’d given her, he’d made it more than clear he liked being around her. And the feeling was definitely mutual. She wasn’t an expert on men by any stretch, but for the first time ever, she wanted to take a chance with one.
They all settled on the folding camp chairs Erin had brought, each with a heaping plate of pasta.
“I can’t believe how awesome the food has been,” Alex said through a mouthful of food.
“Yeah, I can’t cook like this when I’m at home with a full kitchen available,” Jose agreed.
“How you don’t weigh four hundred pounds is beyond me,” Matthew murmured.
“Right?” Chad agreed. “If I ate like this all the time, I’d totally be a blimp!”
“You already are, asshole,” Matthew joked.
Chad reached over and smacked his friend on the back of the head.
“If I had a chick who cooked like this for me, I wouldn’t care how fat she was. I’d just make her wear a bag over her head in bed,” Jose said.
“I don’t think it’d be worth it,” Alex threw in. “I don’t think I’d be able to get it up if I had to figure out what was tit and what was a fat roll.”
All the boys laughed.
Erin stiffened in her chair and looked down at the food on her plate. Any hunger she’d felt earlier was now gone. She knew the boys weren’t talking about her, but their comments still struck a little too close to home.
The insults and taunts she’d endured throughout high school, and even in college and beyond, echoed in her head. “Eat-more Erin. Why do you eat so much? Your face is so pretty, if you’d just lose some weight you might be able to get a boyfriend. You have a great smile, the rest of you, not so much. Don’t sit next to Eat-more Erin, she’ll snarf down your lunch before you can.”
“Don’t be rude,” Conor said harshly, surprising Erin and bringing her out of her miserable inner thoughts and memories.
“Dude, I wasn’t being rude,” Matthew said. “I was paying her a compliment.”
“No, you weren’t,” Conor returned. “You were disparaging everyone who you think doesn’t meet society’s definition of beautiful. You think people who are overweight don’t have feelings?”
“No, that wasn’t—”
“It was,” Conor interrupted Matthew. “Look, I get it. You guys are young. You’re in a fraternity. You have the world ahead of you. But I’ll tell you right now, if you choose a woman who’s thin and good looking over someone you think has a few too many pounds on her frame, instead of concentrating on who she is on the inside, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
The boys were silent as Conor continued to berate them.
“I’m not an idiot, I know what a woman looks like is important. You have to be physically attracted to someone in order for a relationship to work. But guys, ignore what society says is beautiful. Forget what your buddies say you should like. If you like tall women, go for it. If you prefer for your woman to be short, no problem. Maybe you’re an ass man…so find a woman who has an ass that you can grab hold of. You like tits? There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a woman with more meat on her bones because she’ll most likely have boobs you can play with.”
His voice lowered as he made his final point. “But whatever you do, never make fun of someone because of how they look. Ever. You don’t know what’s going on inside his or her head. Most people are struggling with stuff you have no idea about. None. And you making fun of someone only shows how ignorant you are, it has nothing to do with them.
“Some of the most successful people in the world were bullied growing up. Chris Rock, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Lawrence, Taylor Swift, Madonna, Steven Spielberg, Michael Phelps, and Barack frickin’ Obama, for Christ’s sake. Be a man, and stop that shit right now. Even if you weren’t targeting someone specific a moment ago, words have power. Think before you speak and treat people with respect. You never know when someone you make fun of today might become the President of the United States tomorrow.”
Erin kept her head down, but raised her eyes to see what the boys’ reaction was to Conor’s impassioned speech. She half expected them to be rolling their eyes, but surprisingly, it seemed as if they’d actually heard what Conor had said. Had taken his message to heart.
“Sorry.”
“We didn’t mean anything by it.”
“You’re right.”
“Yeah, we were wrong.”
Their responses were surprising as much for the words, as for the emotions behind them. They seemed genuinely upset about what they’d said.
The rest of dinner was quiet as the men quickly finished the food on their plates.
“We’re gonna do the dishes,” Matthew declared, standing and heading for the makeshift kitchen Erin had set up earlier. One pan with soapy water, another with plain water for rinsing, and a third with bleach for disinfecting.
“Are you done, Ms. Gardner?” Jose asked.
Erin looked up at the young man. He was standing next to her, and when he saw he had her attention, he gestured toward her still half-full plate with his head. “You can take your time. We’ll take care of your dish whenever you’re done.”
“I’m done,” she told him, holding her plate up to him. She couldn’t eat another bite with the way her stomach was roiling.
Conor held up his empty plate and Chad took it as he walked over to Matthew.
“Don’t forget the pots,” Conor told the other men.
Alex went to the fire and managed to grab both pots Erin had used to make their supper and keep hold of his own plate and silverware.
Erin brought her feet up to the seat of her chair and hugged her knees as the guys began to clean up from dinne
r.
“Walk with me?”
Conor’s question startled Erin and her feet slipped off the edge of the chair. She would’ve fallen out if Conor hadn’t grabbed her arm.
“Sorry! I’m clumsy. Sure, I’ll walk.”
“Guys!” Conor called over to the others. “We’re headed a ways down the river. We won’t be far. Don’t go anywhere.”
“Where would we go?” Alex called back, laughing as he indicated the deserted Texas countryside with his hand.
Conor chuckled and tucked Erin under his arm and turned them to walk along the edge of the river.
The moon was full, giving them enough light to see where they were walking without needing a flashlight.
Erin hated the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that coursed through her body. She was thirty-five. Way too old to let the words of boys almost half her age affect her as much as they were. They were just saying what anyone would. In today’s society, being fat was the worst thing that someone could be.
Any other kind of disability could garner sympathy and maybe even respect, but being fat was apparently open season for inviting mean comments and harsh judgment.
Conor walked them downstream until he came to a large flat rock that overlooked the water. He gestured to it and Erin sat. He stepped behind her then lowered himself down. His legs stretched out on either side of her and she inhaled sharply when his arms wrapped around her, much as he’d done the night before.
Erin could sense his body heat along her back and shivered a bit at the feeling. It was chilly out. Not cold, but tonight was supposed to be one of the coolest nights of the weekend. Conor propped his chin on her shoulder as he held her.
She could smell hints of the soap he’d used to clean up, and when he tucked his chin into the space between her neck and shoulder, his scratchy beard reminded her that he hadn’t shaved that morning.
It should’ve been awkward. But it wasn’t. Erin wasn’t thinking about what her body looked like or how she smelled after cooking over the fire and paddling on the river all day. She simply soaked in the contentment she felt at being held in Conor’s arms.
“I hate when people make fun of others,” Conor said in a low voice, puffs of air from his words wafting over her neck. “It sucks, and I know they’re young, but I firmly believe that parents should teach their children that being a bully isn’t okay.”
Erin laid her hand on Conor’s forearm. “They didn’t mean anything by it. They were just shooting the shit with their buddies.”
“But that’s just it,” Conor countered. “It’s so ingrained in them that they don’t realize how offensive they’re being even when others are around. If people thought more about the words that came out of their mouths, we’d have fewer bullying incidents. Fewer suicides. Fewer people would have to rely on antidepressants to get them through their day.”
Erin had been so stuck in her own head, hearing the boys’ words and thinking they were aimed at her, that she hadn’t realized Conor wasn’t just preaching to them because he thought it was the right thing to do. He had a deeper reason. Now that she was paying attention, she could feel the tension in his body. He hadn’t walked off with her to make her feel better, he’d done it to make himself feel better.
“You want to talk about it?” Erin felt hypocritical asking the question when she wasn’t ready to open up to him, but she couldn’t help herself.
She wasn’t sure he was going to respond, and vowed not to push. She wouldn’t like to be pushed so she wasn’t going to do that to him.
After taking a deep breath, he began to talk.
“You have no idea how many kids I’ve had to cut down after they’ve hung themselves in some remote pocket of the forest. Or how many people I’ve seen with bullets blown through their brains because they couldn’t handle how society told them they should look. Or act. Or be. And it all starts with words. Maybe it’s kids in elementary school making fun of the way they look. Or sound. Or how smart they are. Then it continues through their school years. Some make it through high school, and others don’t. But it doesn’t stop. They’re judged by so many people in their lives and they can’t take it. So they end up taking their own lives because they can’t live up to what society thinks they should be. I hate it. I love my job, but I dread the calls about missing persons. I’m always afraid what I’ll find when we track them down.”
Erin squeezed his arm and turned. He kept his arms around her, but now her side was pressed against his chest. She wound her arms around him and clutched her hands together, holding him tightly. She rested her head on his shoulder and simply held him as he spoke.
“The thing that amazes me the most is when people make fun of overweight people at the gym. I seriously don’t get that. I mean, they’re at the gym…working out. Trying to lose weight. Why in the world would you make fun of them for that?”
Erin agreed one hundred percent. She remembered after her surgery she’d gotten up the courage to go to the local YMCA and use the gym there. She was trying to walk to burn calories. She saw a group of women, grown women, laughing at her and taking pictures of her with their cell phones. They weren’t even trying to be subtle about it. It had been humiliating, and the last time she’d gone to work out there.
“I just wish kids could stay as innocent as they are when they’re young. I’ve watched so-called normal four-year-olds play with kids with Down Syndrome and have the time of their lives. Then a mere three years later, those same children are making fun of that kid because it’s how they’ve seen others treat them. And it never stops. I hate it.”
His words tilted Erin’s world on its axis. She’d never thought about others like her. Oh, she knew all about bullying and how hurtful words could be, but hadn’t really thought about how other people dealt with it. She only knew how she did…by eating. But suddenly her eyes had been opened. She’d been lucky. Very lucky. She might not have close friends or a loving family, but she had the inner strength to keep pushing through. Many didn’t. And that was sad, so sad.
“Someone you’re close to was bullied,” Erin stated softly. It wasn’t really a question. She knew to the marrow of her bones it was where Conor’s angst was coming from.
“Yeah.” He didn’t elaborate.
“He or she is lucky to have you supporting them.”
“I’ve done my best.”
Erin lifted her head. She twisted and brought a hand up to Conor’s face and placed it on his cheek. Her thumb brushed against it softly. His five o’clock shadow was scratchy against her skin. She’d never been this up close and personal with a man’s beard before, but she liked it.
Without a word, she stretched up to him and touched his lips with hers. It was a brief caress. A mere brush of lips, but the electricity that went through her body was immediate and surprising.
Conor’s arms tightened and he stared down at her with an intense gaze that Erin didn’t have the experience to interpret.
“What was that for?” he whispered.
“You looked like you needed it,” Erin told him honestly.
His lips quirked up in a small smile. “I did. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
His head tilted to the side and he pressed the weight of it into her hand, still resting on his face. “I just hope some of what I told them tonight sinks in. I can’t control what they say and do after this trip, but I just pray they reach down inside themselves and find some compassion for their fellow human beings.”
“I think it will,” Erin said. “They honestly seemed to be thinking about what you said.”
Conor sat up straight then. He scooted around so he was sitting next to her and brought his hands up to either side of her neck and held her gaze. She grabbed onto both his wrists. They sat like that for a long moment, staring at each other, the attraction thick between them.
Then, without a word, Conor leaned forward. He moved slowly, giving Erin a chance to pull back, to stop him, but she didn’t. She held her br
eath then closed her eyes as he got close.
Then his lips were on hers. But he didn’t simply brush them against hers, he lingered. He nipped and stroked until she opened for him.
As soon as she did, his tongue surged inside her mouth. Erin’s stomach clenched and she dug her fingernails into his wrists. The small spike of electricity she felt earlier was now a full-blown electrical storm.
He tilted her head to the right as he turned his own to the left and pressed deeper into her. How long they sat like that, their mouths fused together, their tongues dueling and learning the feel and taste of each other, Erin had no idea.
Conor slowly pulled back with a groan. She kept her eyes closed, not wanting the moment to end.
“Thank you,” Conor said.
Erin’s eyes popped open. “For what?”
“For pulling my head out of my ass. For making me appreciate what’s in front of me.”
“Uh…you’re welcome.” It wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear from him, but she’d rather eat an entire chocolate cake by herself than admit she was disappointed.
“And thank you for inviting me. For kissing me. For giving me the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life.”
Okay, that was better. Much better. “You’re welcome,” she whispered again, with more feeling this time.
Conor moved his hand and brushed his thumb over her lower lip. Erin could feel the wetness from his kiss on her skin. Involuntarily, her tongue came out and licked her lips, brushing against his thumb as she did.
“Fuck, you’re sexy, bright eyes,” Conor murmured, then leaned down and captured her lips with his own again in a short, intense caress.
Then he pulled back and said, “We should probably head back and make sure the guys are all right.”
“Yeah,” Erin said with zero enthusiasm.
“I already told you this, but I’m serious, when we get back, I want to see you again,” Conor blurted. “And not just at The Sloppy Cow. I want to take you out. Get to know you better. Let you get to know me. Have you meet my family. They’re gonna love everything about you. I just…I don’t want this to be a vacation fling.”
