A Body To Die For

by G. A. McKevett

  But then he sped up a bit too much and hit a pothole, jarring every bone in her body.

  “Dangnation, Dirk,” she snapped. “If I had dentures, they’d be in my lap. Would you take it easy?”

  He loved it when she criticized his driving. “Hey, I didn’t do nothin’ wrong! You know they never fix the road out here. Besides, I can’t drive like an old lady if you wanna nail this guy.”

  He had her there.

  Savannah was just as eager as he was to slap a fresh pair of handcuffs on Norbert “Stumpy” Weyerhauser. And just because Stumpy’s mom, Myrtle, had told them he was home an hour ago, didn’t mean he would hang around. If he smelled a rat—or a cop sting operation—he’d be making tracks out of town.

  “Do you think she bought it?” Dirk asked for the fourth time.

  “Who? Myrtle?”

  He nodded.

  “Oh, yeah.” Savannah chuckled at the memory of the telephone call her assistant had made on Dirk’s behalf earlier. “You should have heard Tammy laying it on thick.” Savannah dropped her southern accent and donned Tammy’s valley-girl tone. “‘Yes, Mrs. Weyerhauser, it’s true! Your son, Norbert, has won a forty-one inch, high-definition, flat-screen television! If you can assure me that he’ll be home to sign for it personally this afternoon, your entire family will be able to watch the Super Bowl in style this weekend!’”

  Dirk frowned. “She said forty-one inch?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Why?”

  “I don’t think they make a forty-one-inch. I told her to say it was forty-two.”

  Savannah shrugged. “Oh well. So, Stumpy gets shorted an inch. He’s probably used to it.”

  “What?”

  Grinning, she said, “Didn’t you ever notice that Stumpy and his limbs are normal height and length?”

  “uh…yeah…I guess.”

  “So, where did he get that nickname? I’m thinking from a former wife or girlfriend, someone who knew him intimately.”

  Dirk smiled. “You’re a nasty, evil woman, Van. I like the way you think.”

  “Well, you know me.” She shrugged. “I have a soft spot in my heart for nimrods who break into elderly ladies’ houses, steal from them, and smack them around. I think about Granny Reid, and then I have this overwhelming need to beat them to death with a brick of week-old cornbread.”

  “Yeah, me, too. I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that this dude had violated his parole. I begged the captain to let me be the one to bring him in.”

  As they neared the street where Stumpy, robber and senior-citizen abuser, lived, they both dropped the casual banter and assumed an all-business demeanor. Stump wasn’t known for carrying deadly weapons or assaulting anybody who was actually big enough or strong enough to fight back, but he was still a convicted felon. And they were pretty sure he’d have pretty strong objections to going back to prison. So, they couldn’t exactly sleepwalk through the act of nabbing him.

  “When we get there, you go to the front door,” Savannah said. “I get to cover the back.”

  “No way!”

  “that’s the price I charge for going along.”

  “But he always runs out the back door!”

  “I know. I read his sheet. Why do you think I want to cover the rear?”

  “Hey, I’m the cop and—”

  “Don’t you even go there, buddy. If I wanted to watch cops doing their thing, I’d be home with my feet up, eating Godiva chocolate, and staring at the TV.”

  “Damn,” Dirk grumbled. “I should have had Jack McMurty or Mike Farnon come along instead of you. They take orders a lot better.”

  “Yeah, but they wouldn’t have come. They don’t like you.”

  Actually, nobody in the SCPD liked Dirk. Most respected him, even envied him; he was a gifted detective. But he never received invitations to hang out at the local bar after hours or drop by for a tri-tip sandwich when somebody in the department threw a barbecue.

  Normally, Savannah wouldn’t have mentioned that to a person. She wasn’t cruel, as a rule. But she knew Dirk didn’t care. He didn’t have a people-pleasing bone in his body. And long ago she had decided to be Dirk when she grew up. He saved so much energy…not giving a flying fig what anybody thought of him.

  “But you like me,” he said with more than a touch of little-boy vulnerability in his voice.

  Okay, he cared a little what a few people thought—the people he loved. And he could count those on one hand.

  She gave him a dimpled grin. “Oh, I’m plumb crazy about you, but I still get the rear of the house. End of discussion.”

  Dirk pulled the truck over to the curb. “Then get out here. The house is up there on the right. The yellow one.”

  As she started to climb out of the truck, he added, “Watch yourself. He’s got a pit bull in the backyard.”

  She froze, one foot on the ground, staring at him, mouth half-open. “Are you yanking my chain?”

  He grinned broadly. “Yeah.”

  “You lyin’ sack!” She got out, slammed the door, and said through the open window, “I’ll get you back. See if I don’t”

  She strolled along the street, picking her path among chunks of broken concrete that had once been a sidewalk, tree roots, weeds, and the leavings of dogs whose owners didn’t carry pooper-scoopers.

  Glancing up and down the block on both sides of the street, she didn’t see anyone looking out the window, sitting on the porch, chatting with the neighbors, or trimming any hedges. Not a lot of hedges got trimmed regularly in this neighborhood.

  As she got closer to the yellow house, she eyed the blue one next to it. There were no cars in the driveway. Instead of curtains, faded, flowered sheets covered the windows. The back yard was accessible and, from what she could see, there were no signs of a watchdog.

  Looking back, she saw that Dirk was still waiting, watching her through the pickup’s dirty windshield, grinning at her. He shot her a peace sign. She shook her head and chuckled. Some old hippies never grow up, she thought. But she wouldn’t have him any other way.

  After one more glance around to make sure she wasn’t being watched, she darted down the side of the blue house. It was a small, shotgun affair, long and narrow, with rooms arranged end to end—not unlike the one she had been raised in.

  Less than five seconds later, she was in the backyard. From there, she could see the rear of their suspect’s house.

  She reached into her pocket and retrieved her cell phone. She punched a couple of buttons, and Dirk answered.

  “I’m here,” she said as she walked through the tangle of weeds, past a collapsed, rusty swing set, and through a broken chain-link fence.

  “I’m driving up to the front,” he said.

  She could hear the truck approaching as she scrambled up to the yellow house and positioned herself at the corner. From here, she couldn’t be seen from any of the windows, and she had a clear view of the side of the house and the rear. “I can’t see the right side of the house,” she whispered into the phone.

  “My right or your right?” he asked.

  “Your right.”

  Knowing Dirk, she had already done the “math.” Why confuse the poor guy? He confused so easily.

  “The right if you’re in the house looking out, or…

  “Dirk! Are you still in the truck, on the street, looking at the house?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then I’m at the left back corner of the house. I can’t see the right of the house, so you’ll have to keep an eye on it. Your right. You know, like your right hand. That’s the hand you scratch your ass with.”

  “Jeez…you really are irritable today.”

  She heard him cut off the engine and open the truck door.

  “I’ll keep my phone on,” he said, “and put it in my pocket, so you can hear what’s going on.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “Good luck.”

  “You, too.”

  Her ear to the phone, her eyes on the back door and the
side windows, she listened as Dirk walked up to the front door and knocked. It took longer than usual—or at least, it seemed like a long time as her adrenaline levels soared and her heart raced—before the door finally opened.

  She heard Dirk say, “Hi, are you Myrtle Weyerhauser?”

  “Yeah,” was the reply.

  “I’ve got a delivery, a wide-screen television, on the truck there. It’s for a Mr. Norbert Weyerhauser. Is he your husband, ma’am?”

  “No, Stu—I mean…Norbert is my son.”

  “Well, if he can sign this form, I’d be happy to—”

  “He ain’t here.”

  “But you told our office on the phone that he is. I’m afraid I can’t deliver it unless Mr. Weyerhauser signs for it.”

  “Gimme that paper. I’ll sign for it.”

  “No, ma’am. Can’t do that. And besides, I’ll need Mr. Weyerhauser to help me unload it. See, my partner was sick today—out with the flu—and I can’t carry it in by myself.”

  “Are you a cop?”

  “A cop? Me? Why would you say that? Do I look like a cop?”

  “Yeah, actually, you kinda do. What’s in that box in the truck? Is it really a TV?”

  Savannah went from “vigilant” to “high alert” in an instant.

  The voices on the phone faded as she lowered the phone and listened intently to a new sound…a scraping noise…coming from the other side of the house.

  Ducking, so that her head would be below the windows, she hurried across the back of the house. She paused at the opposite corner, then took a quick peek around.

  At first, she wasn’t sure what she was seeing—a flash of silver in the sunlight. Some sort of metal was sticking out of the upstairs window.

  Then more of it protruded…and more…tilting down toward the ground.

  A ladder.

  She grinned, closed her cell phone, and stuck it in her pocket. She unsnapped her side holster, freeing her Beretta…and waited.

  She didn’t have to wait long. No sooner had the end of the ladder reached the ground than a hairy leg popped out of the window, and then another followed.

  Dressed in baggy shorts that hung low on his hips, flip-flops, and a T-shirt large enough to use as a tent for a backyard campout, Stumpy Weyerhauser was making his getaway.

  Or at least, Stumpy thought so.

  She waited until he was halfway down the ladder before she sauntered around the corner of the house and over to the foot of it.

  He was huffing, puffing, and unsteady as he descended. The flip-flops didn’t help as he tried to get solid footing and kept sliding off the backs of the sandals.

  So intent was he, hanging on tightly to the sides of the ladder and casting furtive glances toward the front of the house, that he didn’t even notice Savannah as she walked up behind him.

  He didn’t realize she was there until she reached up, grabbed the hems of his shorts, and jerked them down around his ankles.

  Instantly, she regretted the action, because his underwear came down, too, and she found herself “face-to-face” with one of the least attractive features of an unattractive man.

  “Hey! What the hell!” he yelled as he whipped his head around and nearly fell.

  He tried to grab at his shorts with first one hand, then the other, while clinging to the ladder, and again, it was nearly his undoing. The side rails bent and the entire contraption wobbled as he tried to maintain his balance and re-dress his backside.

  Her hand on her still-holstered pistol, Savannah laughed at him and said, “Careful there, Stump. You don’t wanna take a tumble with those britches down; you could skin something important.”

  “You stupid bitch!” he shouted. “What’s the matter with you?”

  “Whoa, Norbert! Watch who you’re calling names there, good buddy. You’re in no position to make enemies.”

  She reached over and nudged the side of the ladder. Not enough to knock it down, but definitely enough to get a rise out of the already stressed Stumpy.

  “Hey! Knock it off! You’re gonna make me fall and—”

  Again, he reached for his shorts, while trying to step down one more rung. Apparently, multitasking wasn’t Norbert Weyerhauser’s strong suit.

  He tumbled off the ladder and landed on his face in a particularly muddy area of a flower bed. Adding injury to insult, the ladder slid sideways with him and landed on him, smacking him soundly on the head.

  A small, inch-long gash opened in his scalp, and bright red blood began to ooze out.

  “Hey, Stump…you’ve sprung a leak, boy,” Savannah said as she stepped across him, straddling his body, then sat down on his back.

  The wind went out of him in a whoosh.

  He struggled only a moment as she pulled his arms behind him. Taking some handcuffs from her slacks’ waistband, she called out, “Hey, Dirk! Back here!”

  “What…are you?” Stumpy asked struggling to breathe with her weight pinning him. “A…cop?”

  “Close enough,” she replied as she saw Dirk come running around the corner.

  He looked infinitely alert, ready for action, body taut with tension…until he saw her sitting on the face-down Stumpy. Stumpy with mud on his face, his shorts still pulled down to his ankles, his butt bare as the day he was born—only hairy and not half as cute.

  Dirk froze, staring at them, his mouth open, taking in the scene.

  Then his eyes locked with Savannah’s.

  “What the hell are you doing?” he asked her.

  “Apprehending your suspect for you. And you’re welcome,” she replied with a grin.

  “She…she…sexually assaulted me!” Stumpy whined, thrashing around. “And she’s…squashing…me.”

  Dirk considered the words for a moment, shook his head as though he simply couldn’t process the information, and walked over to them.

  Savannah stood and pointed to the cuffs. “After you’re done with him, I want those back,” she said.

  Instantly, Dirk was indignant. “Hey, I gave you a pair to replace the ones I—”

  “Don’t get all huffy with me! You gave me one pair for my birthday after ripping off three pair from me over the years. So, by my calculations, I’m short two sets and a birthday present.”

  Dirk reached down, grabbed Stumpy, and hauled him to his feet. In another quick move, he hoisted his prisoner’s shorts back up to their original position. “There you go, Norbert,” he said. “I just improved your appearance tenfold.”

  “I’m telling you,” Stumpy whimpered, “that crazy woman sexually assaulted me!”

  “No, she didn’t.” Dirk took him by the arm, leading him toward the front of the house. “I’ve known her for twenty years,” he said, “and in all that time, I couldn’t convince her to sexually assault me.”

  Dirk glanced back over his shoulder at Savannah, who was following close behind. “And…” he added, “…as we’ve all seen, I have way more to offer her in that respect than you do.”

  A woman with pink, foam hair curlers, a lavender chenille robe, and a cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth, came running up to them. “Norbert!” she yelled around the cigarette, “I told you it was a scam. There’s ain’t nothing in that box they brung. I checked it! It’s empty as your head. You ain’t never been lucky enough to win nothin’!”

  “Ah, shut up, Ma,” Norbert replied, shuffling along as Dirk led him toward the pickup.

  Savannah wondered where the woman had found antique, pink, foam hair curlers. She wondered how old that chenille robe was. She wondered if every time Norbert had abused one of his elderly female victims he had been thinking of his mommy.

  But there was something else that piqued her curiosity even more.

  She had to ask.

  Turning to Mother Weyerhauser, she said, “I have to know…who was the first person to call him ‘Stumpy’? Was it you?”

  “Hell no.” The cigarette, stuck to her lower lip, bobbed up and down a couple of time. “It was that idiot bimb
o that he dropped out of high school to marry. She started calling him that right before she divorced him. I’ve always called him “Norbert.’”

  Savannah gave Dirk a big smirk as she opened the truck door and helped him tuck the bloody, grumpy, Stumpy inside. “Told ya so.”

  KENSINGTON BOOKS are published by

  Kensington Publishing Corp.

  850 Third Avenue

  New York, NY 10022

  Copyright © 2009 by G.A. McKevett and Kensington Publishing Corporation

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.

  Kensington and the K logo Reg. U.S. Pat. & TM Off.

  ISBN: 978-0-7582-5593-8