The tension was so thick you could cut it but would need a machete.
I lift her up and place her on the fence. My heart is beating out of my chest, and from the look on her face, she is feeling the same.
My face is right in front of hers, and her lips are calling me to kiss them.
“What do you do to me?” I ask. “I try to resist you, and you do this? You are frustrating—”
“And you make me crazy!” Ryann says.
And she kisses me.
I kiss her back against my will as I’m fighting my feelings for her. I try to get myself back on course, but instead, I’m relenting again and again.
“You make me so crazy. I want to strangle you and make love to you at the very same time,” I tell her.
“Ditto,” she responds. And I do. I want to lay her down and make love to her right now, but instead, I hold her up, and we kiss as if no one could see.
*****
~Ryann~
My phone rings not even twenty minutes after I had finally closed my eyes. I hadn’t planned to stay as late at Smith’s tonight, but the crowd thought otherwise.
I pick up my cell and see Mom’s number. My heart immediately stops. A call at this hour is never good news, and the last time she called me at this hour, she had fallen. Not that she is an old lady … no, she has worked hard her entire life. She had slipped getting out of the shower and laid there until she realized she wasn’t going to be able to help herself up, and she called for help. Being the hardheaded lady she was, she called me instead of calling someone at the hotel to help her who could help her immediately. My poor mother had lain on her bathroom floor for six hours before calling me for help.
“Mom, are you okay?”
“Yes, baby girl. I am but—”
“But what?” I realize I sounded rude but good God.
“Mr. James—”
“He back at the hospital? I know they had moved the hospital bed to the house, and he was …” I was out there a couple of days ago.
“He died.”
I freeze. Immediately, I think of Trevor. And then Mrs. James. And finally, Mr. James and his sweet soul.
“That is horrible news.”
“Jackie called me. She has been a nervous Nelly this evening, saying Mrs. James was a nervous wreck when she went by their house earlier to drop off feed. She wasn’t herself and felt like she knew something was wrong.”
“Jackie?”
“She’s pretty upset. I think she is more upset right now than even when our father died. She is pretty close to the James’ and what they have done together.”
“Of course, she is. I’m gonna get dressed real quick and head over. I will call you once I get there and check in on everything.”
“Are you sure you have the place to be there? Dear, deaths aren’t for people to gather and suffocate.”
“I’ll just go over there and see if I can do anything. If not, I will leave and give them time.”
“Okay, please keep me updated. I hurt for them so. I am going to go to the church as soon as they open so I can pray the rosary for them.”
“Yes, Mom, I will call you with an update shortly.”
I hang up and stare in the corner for a while trying to determine what I will say when I get there and how I will say it.
I drag myself up without worrying too much about my appearance and make it to my car in no time flat.
On the way over, I think about my last conversation with Mr. James the day of the concert and how he knew his time was nearing. I sat with him, and as he talked on their wide front porch, I listened to his words and let them sink in. I saw how ill he was when he spoke. The tears began to fill my eyes.
“Sometimes, we do things out of love, and we know they are wrong when we do them. We know they are going to hurt someone, but we have to … All he needed was support like Margaret gave him. Instead, all I could think about was what he was losing—”
I nod my head in agreement.
“That is what happened with Trevor. Not that you are asking, but I want you to know. I won’t be around much longer—”
“Don’t say that, Mr. James. You are going to outlive us all.”
“I doubt that, pretty one, and I wouldn’t want to.” He rocks lightly in his chair, and I see Mrs. James standing at the screen door quietly.
“When you are as sick as I have been, you will spend a lot of time thinking about your regrets. The things you did you wished you could take back and make them right, or the things you didn’t have time to do. I can honestly say I wish I would have done right by my son, and no matter what, I will never stop loving him and my beautiful wife. Kissing her lips every morning and every night, seeing her face light up when we go for a ride on our horses, or when she sat on my lap wrapping her soft arm around my neck. Those are good times. Holding our son in bed when he was a baby together and holding his hands when we helped him walk for the first time. I could go on and on.”
I start to tear up. He is talking as if he was in a trance and his heart was talking, not his mouth. I continue to listen; taking in every word he was saying and hoping I would get to live those moments.
“No one lives a life and looks back and says they did everything just as they should have been.”
“No, sir, you’re right about that. I have so many things I would change.”
“We all do,” he confirms.
“I did a horrible thing, though … At the time, I thought it was the right thing, but it cost my wife and me our son for almost a decade. Sure, he showed up for the holidays, but that’s hardly enough.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t something so bad.”
“I feel like I need to get this off my chest, and really, at this point in my life, I don’t really care if it is something I shouldn’t share. Trevor was always an amazing son. Hardheaded as all get out but with the biggest heart. He got that from Margaret. She always thought with her heart more than her brain, which in turn made us the perfect couple. To me, the stables were a family business that I had to keep running due to pride, but to her, it was saving them. She turned it into what it is today and what it has been for almost thirty years. Anyway … Trevor was in love with this girl, and I didn’t particularly care for her. I knew her father pretty well, and he wasn’t of the best character. Trevor fell head over heels, and any fool could see that his love for her was far stronger than her love for him. She saw an opportunity; he saw love.”
“Well, parents usually see the whole picture. That is what my mother always told me, anyway.”
“Your mother is correct. I just didn’t handle it the way I should have.”
“She said she was pregnant, and of course, my son drops everything, all his plans for his future, to be with her. He did it without a thought, saying he wanted what my wife and I had and that he was willing to give it all up for Leah. At all costs. I said that I didn’t believe she was pregnant and that he needed to have proof. He got very upset with me, and the fighting really started.”
I gasped. He was telling me the story I needed, and I wanted to hear. But now, as he was speaking it, I almost wished I didn’t know.
“Leah had him wrapped around her finger. They decided they were going to move to Dallas, and he prepared for that. Finding a job through a friend, he was going to do whatever he needed to do to be a father and a husband. The day they were going to leave, she showed up and said that she reconsidered and wasn’t able to follow through. She broke his heart just as I knew she was going to do, might I add. She left, and I have never seen a man so angry. Trevor blamed me for what happened. He thought I did something to keep them apart.”
“Two days later, she was in a tragic car accident. She was with another man when it happened, and she died, he didn’t. Trevor rushed to Dallas to be with her but—”
“That is heartbreaking.”
“It gets worse. She had been with this other guy but he didn’t know about it until after the fact. He still didn’t know that she wasn�
�t pregnant. So he wasn’t only angry, but he thought he lost her and his child.”
“Why does Trevor blame you?”
“Because I was right. He thinks I betrayed him and that I knew. It was all intuition really. And for the love of my son. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see a scheming trash-talking girl. Does it?”
“Apparently not.”
“So he took off a few days later and went to Yale up north. We heard from him a couple of times a year. Anytime he called, it was short and sweet, and every time tearing his mama up.”
“Mr. James … you know … time heals. And—”
“Yes, and it has. We have spoken, and words can’t describe the peace that has given me.”
“Good.”
“One thing I have learned with my sweet Margaret … Life is what you make out of it not what you were handed.”
“Truer words have never been spoken, sir.”
“So make it what you want and deserve.” He smiles weakly at me, and I do him.
*****
I arrive at the James’ house and lightly knock on the door. Trevor answers the door and keeps a straight expression as he let me in.
“I am so sorry for your loss, Trevor … I wish I could do something or say something to make you feel—”
“Not empty … guilt, regret, frustration, anger— ”
I try to hug him, and he resists. “My mom is in the kitchen.” He walks off leaving me standing there alone at a loss for words.
I continue down the hall to the kitchen. “Mrs. James …” She is sitting at the table with a cup full of tea lifting and lowering her tea bag into the mug. Her expression was one of great loss, mourning, and grief.
I sit beside her quietly and put my hand on hers. “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“I wish there was. I just lost the love of my life … and I couldn’t do anything. You know what is the hardest part? I couldn’t help him. I watched him suffer for so long and couldn’t help that hurt.”
“I can only imagine.”
I sat with her in complete silence until she spoke, “Can you do me a favor?”
“Of course, anything.”
“Check on Trevor. He isn’t taking this well at all.”
“Yes, ma’am. Do you know where he is?”
“He has been standing out at the stables since William passed other than coming in to check on me.”
“Okay, I will go check on him. I’ll be back.”
The sun had started to rise, and I couldn’t help but notice that the land looked beautiful in the light, the way it lit up the stable’s door almost inviting.
I looked out as I walked and noticed what appeared to be Trevor lying on the ground looking up at the sky.
I stop when I get to him. He doesn’t seem to notice I am there, or he pretends not to anyway.
I lie beside him and don’t say a word. The sky is beautiful. I moved a little closer but do it hesitantly, not sure how he was going to act. I just wanted to comfort him but wasn’t sure how or what to say. Is there ever anything to say that is comforting?
He notices me and pulls me closer; without a word, he wraps his arm around me. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his breathing.
“Can I do anything to ease your pain?”
“I wish there was.”
“You want to know what is ironic? I was just starting to feel I had a heart again, after you have been in my life, after clearing the air with my father, and then now … I am broken again.”
“Of course, you are, Trev. You just lost your father. I don’t think you are supposed to feel anything but loss and hurt.”
“It is more than that.” I can tell his breathing is becoming more rapid with his heart beat.
I didn’t say anything but just listened. I knew that was what he wanted, and honestly, I didn’t know what else to say. “Could we just lay here for a while?”
I lift my head up to answer him, looking him into his eyes. A flooding sea of green in pain. “Absolutely.” I lay my head back down on his chest.
We don’t say anything for what seems like hours. I zone out and fall slightly asleep in his arms. Although I knew tragedy brought me here this morning, I couldn’t help but think that Mr. James brought us together.
“You know something?”
“What?”
“My dad died peacefully, and that is all you can ask, right?”
“Yes. He was a good man.”
“He was the best man.”
“And he loved you more than you know.”
“Yes, I know he did. Let’s go in and check on my mom.”
“Okay.”
Seventeen
Trevor
My mother has been in bed since I had come in and told Ryann it was fine to leave. I appreciated all she had done, but I needed her to leave so I could rest. I felt like a thousand-pound weight had been sitting on my chest, and although I knew that my father was now at peace, not suffering any longer his loss was a hard thing to accept.
I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to my mother banging around in the kitchen. I sit up, trying to find my equilibrium, and apparently invited an ass chewing. My mother had only yelled me out a few times in my entire life. I had always been extremely close to her and had never seen her so infuriating mad directed at me.
Mom came and stood in front of me to make sure she had my attention.
“Trevor.”
“Ma’am.” My eyes were still blurry on top of painful for crying upset over Dad.
“I feel like it is time I tell you something. I have been holding it in for a long time and after losing him … William, your father, I can’t do it any longer. In fact, I regret not speaking my piece before.”
“Mom—”
“Shut it, son. You hurt us so bad when you left. We needed you. It hurt your father so much that he was trying to protect you from ruining your life, and you punished him for it.”
“I…”
“Don’t speak.”
I nod my head, showing her I understood.
“Your father … he didn’t want to interfere in your life. He didn’t want you to know how long he had been sick. But we had to do something to get you home.”
Now, my expression has changed to curiosity.
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“A hospital position didn’t just open up. And you aren’t here by accident. Your father and Harold are old friends. And your father, God rest his soul, got you home. We needed you. He needed you, but he wasn’t going to call and ask for it. I needed you.”
I kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to say something back. I just wasn’t sure what. I knew he was right that I had to have this happen to get me home. And that he knew that it would take that.
I got up and hugged my mother. And she started to cry hysterically. “I have been so mad at you for leaving, for not being here, for feeling sorry for yourself instead of living your life, Trevor. Why? You have one life, and you have wasted it working away—not caring, not letting anyone in to love you. And no matter what you think, your father did what he did out of love. He did what he had to do to protect you and keep you safe.”
“And I shit all over him.”
“Yes, you did, son. Yes, you did.”
She kisses my forehead, and we sit beside each other. “I think he was waiting until you were home to talk to you before he passed. I know he was. You meant so much to him.”
“And he does to me too. I just showed it horribly. I have been a horrible son, and I wish I could change it.”
“You can change it. One, you gave him peace, but two, you can start living like you should.”
“I have already started.”
We hug and lightly rock back and forth, comforting each other as we cry. And I have to admit it sure is nice being home and letting my heart care.
I know exactly who I want to open it for now, and hopefully, she feels the same way.
* * *
Ryann
My relationship with Trevor has been anything but smooth. I have never known how he really feels because of our constant push and pull. My own life hasn’t been the easiest lately adding to it. The death of his dad, his dear old dad who I adored, and what happened with Mom telling me about my father. My life seemed to settle for a short while before total chaos resumed.
A week has passed since the funeral, and I haven’t heard from Trevor or his mother. I understood they needed time, and I knew Jackie was helping them as much as she could too.
Tonight at the bar, I had been in an agitated mood for no particular reason.
A man comes in and straight to the bar before I had officially opened.
“Sorry, sir, we aren’t open quite yet. Can I help you with something?”
“I have a delivery from Texas French Bread Bakery to a Ryann Payne.”
“That’s me.”
“Okay, can you sign here?”
“Sure.”
I open the card anxious to see who would send me baked goods and especially from Texas French Bread. It wasn’t cheap.
“Ryann,
Thank you for all your support to the James’ family during our hard time.
Regards,
Trevor and Margaret James.
It was a carrot cake, which happened to be my favorite dessert in the entire world. And incidentally, I never baked it because no one could make it like my mother.
I smile and hold the card to my heart, thankful they thought of me.
I glance at the clock to see if I have time to call Mrs. James and thank her before the bar opens.
A quick call to Jackie and I have her number so I can call.
I get a little nervous when the phone starts to ring thinking about the possibility of Trevor answering, but I do it anyway. There was no way I wasn’t going to show my appreciation for the thoughtful gift especially with what they are going through right now.
“Mrs. James. It’s Ryann.”
“I know who it is. How are you doing, dear?”
BrokenHearted Page 14
