“Good and yourself?”
“Hanging in there. A little lost without my William here but managing the best I can. I have been doing a lot of riding so that helps.”
“Yes, it does. Listen, I won’t keep you long, but I wanted to thank you for the thoughtful carrot cake you sent. And how in the world did you know it was my favorite?”
“Sorry, sweetie, I don’t know what you are talking about. I didn’t send a carrot cake.”
“You didn’t?”
“No.”
“The card said from you and Trevor.”
“I knew he had it in him,” she says, and I could hear her smiling through the phone. “It must have been from Trevor although let it be known I do appreciate all you have done in helping us.”
“It has been my pleasure. I really wish I could have done more.”
“You did plenty. You have a huge heart, sweet girl. Don’t let that ever change.”
“I won’t let it. Sorry to cut the call short, but I have to get busy. It is opening time. I will be out to see you this weekend.”
“Look forward to it, Ryann.”
“Bye, ma’am.” And I hang up with a smile that went from ear to ear.
* * *
Trevor
I had walked into Smith’s many times since I moved back to Austin. I admit at first it was to have a drink, maybe two, or to meet Maxwell. Then it became a place to see Ryann and observe her even if I didn’t want to talk. But now it is a whole new meaning. I had admitted my feelings for her to myself before I had lost my father, but I didn’t say it out loud. Call it pride, call it ignorance, call it chicken shit. It was one and the same to me.
I realized I had done things wrong with her. I gave her every signal to show that I liked her, I wanted her, but then my mouth said the opposite. Really, I didn’t deserve her after putting her through all the shit I did. But that wasn’t going to stop me from trying. Not now that I had come so far.
Before my father died, I went back to Leah’s cemetery for the last time. In fact, it was the very same day that I was finally able to tell my father my regret and my shame. Instead of being mad at her, or love, I failed to feel either. It was like visiting a long lost friend taken from this earth too early, but that taught me a valuable lesson. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I did talk to her, though, as if she was there. I spoke words that I didn’t think I would ever be able to speak, but I was finally able to.
I think over the words I speak to her again and instead of feeling distraught or stressed, I feel relieved. I had let something go, but only because of one woman.
I could still see myself standing over the gravesite.
“Leah, Leah, Leah … I finally … after all these years … I am whole again. Her name is Ryann Payne, and she is a bright light in my life. I can’t say I have treated her the way she deserves to be treated because I haven’t … I blame it on myself but also because of you. You destroyed me… gutted me … and in a way, took my life from me. But … not any longer. I am happy … and I am going to live my life and let you go like I should have years ago. Honestly, if you would have never died, I probably wouldn’t have ever heard from you again anyway since you had moved on … It just took me a long time to realize it. I loved you for as long as I can remember … and I will always love you in a way. After all, you were my first love. We were young … and naïve. Now as a grown man, I have finally found true love, though, and now when I look back, what we had wasn’t even a fraction of what I thought we had. Anyway, I wanted you to be the first to know that I am moving on. I am forgiving because it is too hard to hurt anymore. I am tucking you back in my memory, and I am going to live. This will be the last time I will come here only because now… I refuse to live in the past. I am living in the present … with the woman who made me want to love again.”
I walk into the bar, sit on a stool, and see Ryann talking to the man behind the bar. She is listening to what he is saying and taking it all in. He gives her a pat on the shoulder, and it looks like he is saying thank you. She smiles and walks back over to the bar to wait on any customers.
I sit there waiting for her to notice me quietly. And she does.
“Hey! What are you doing here so early? Usually, you come in later in the evening.”
“I had the day off. Been trying to catch up on some things and take care of a few things that my dad wanted to be done.”
“Sounds like fun.” She made a funny face to lighten the mood. I realize she has seen every mood that I have so she is probably concerned about what is coming and rightfully so.
She pours me a bourbon and sets it on the bar.
“Thank you.” I bring it to my hands but don’t lift it to take a drink.
“I wanted to thank you for the carrot cake you sent me. You didn’t have to do that! I wanted to help y’all out.”
“I know you love carrot cake and wanted to thank you. And I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to.”
“How did you know I liked it?”
“A man has his ways.” I grin.
“My mother.” She remarks and smiles lightly while taking a drink.
“Do you have a minute where we could talk?” I ask her. I didn’t want to talk to her over the bar. I wanted to touch her and doing that over the bar wasn’t going to cut it.
“Sure, one sec… let me tell Ted that I am going to take a break right quick.” She turns and talks to the man that she was talking to earlier.
She comes around the bar and meets me, and I lead her to the table situated in the corner.
Ryann looks worried, and she sits.
I take her hands to try to calm her. “Ryann …”
“Is everything okay? Is your mom …”
“Everything is fine. Great, actually … I mean I miss my father but …”
She looks at me sweetly not responding.
I need to get this off my chest. “Losing my father is the hardest thing I have ever been through, but it was a huge wake-up call for me. Bottom line … life is short, and I have wasted too much time. I am not going to hold myself back anymore. I want you in my life.”
Her face lights up with a smile I wished I could keep on her face forever. She was happy.
“I am falling for you, Ryann. I have been, but I am not going to fight it any longer. I refuse to live broken anymore ...” I knew as soon as I said the words that loving her wasn’t going to be a regret.
Her face got solemn. “Well … Trevor … I just think that maybe it’s too …”
“Too what?” I ask.
“Too late … I mean I have been falling for you honestly since the first time I got to spend time with you … but how do I know you aren’t going to continue to tell me one thing but show me another?”
“I don’t know that I won’t, Ry. But I am going to try not to. I can truthfully say I am one-hundred percent positive that you are who I want to be with. I want you in my life more than I have ever wanted anything. I knew earlier too, but I didn’t want to let myself believe it.”
“Mr. James … those are the best words I have heard in years.” And she walks across the small table to sit on my lap and kiss me. I wrap my arms around her and wish that she could really feel the love I am starting to feel for her because I was.
Eighteen
6 weeks later
Trevor
I wake to the smell of coffee filling my nose and a hard-on worse than I had ever had. It seems to be a habit that has risen, quite literally, whenever I think of Ryann. She was the one I wanted, and I couldn’t resist any longer. And I didn’t want to.
Last night’s events slowly start coming back to me, and I blink to see if Ry is standing over me. She stayed the night last night, and I remember very little of it. My eyes were groggy, and I had a pounding in my head that I hadn’t ever felt. I guess that is what happens when you drink far too much to try to erase some of the pain knowing it wasn’t going to be possible but still worth a try. The only thing that solved it was to g
et drunk, and from the way my head is feeling right now, I did a good job.
Ryann followed me home last night. Since it was so late, I insisted she stay, but the honest truth was I was too intoxicated to make sure she got home safe. She had done more for me than any other person in my life except for Maxwell. I loved Ryann, and I know I will have to tell her but not yet. It was too soon. I promised myself after losing Dad that I would. I resolved never to let another woman get in my soul, my heart, or my life since Leah. It wasn’t negotiable, and I had done a superb job at keeping the opposite sex at bay for the last decade until Ryann Payne.
I slept on my couch for the first time, and I have to admit that even if it were a wooden plank, I would have slept excellently.
Dad had been gone now for six weeks, and I wasn’t starting to feel any better. In fact, the guilt was eating at me. I just wish I would’ve done something more to let him know that I forgave him. I admitted to myself and my mother that I was ashamed I hadn’t come home sooner and looked at everything through his eyes. I acted like a wounded immature child at the age of eighteen and should have just once taken a look from his eyes. Hell, maybe it wasn’t possible, but now it is since I am older and know the truth. Yeah, things would have been different, for sure.
I open my bedroom door quietly and see that the bed is empty. It is quiet in my condo, and the only thing that lets me know that she is still here is the soft music she is playing from my bathroom on her iPhone. It is Christian music, and I cringe at the thought of it.
I knock lightly and wait. She doesn’t answer, so I knock again unsure of why she wouldn’t hear me.
I slowly start to open the door and see her sitting in my tub with half her head back in the water and the other half with her eyes closed as if she was taking in every enjoyment of the bath. She looks so peaceful and completely at ease.
I walk closer to her and sit on the edge of the tub to wait for her to acknowledge me. I can’t help but take in her body sitting in bubbles peeking through at me. She is even more beautiful than I had assumed.
“Holy shit, Trevor. You scared the shit of me!”
I hold the position not moving.
“What are you looking at?” She sits up and tries to start making sure her private parts are covered and then smoothing back her wet hair.
“I am looking at …” And I stopped myself.
“Step back a little, would ya? You can see everything even through the bubbles,” she asks, and I wait to see if she really means it. “Can you hand me a towel and then turn around so I can cover up?”
I lift the towel off the rack and hand it to her with a smile. I turn around but don’t budge on my position to the tub. If only I had the mirror where it needed to be. That’s okay, though, because luckily, I have a vivid imagination. And I have the memories of what she looked like at Sadie’s place.
“Okay, I am covered,” she says, and I turn around to see her standing in the tub with the towel wrapped around her.
“Can I just say … wow.” I move my hand through my hair with admiration of her body.
She stands shocked at my compliment. “Wow, what?”
“You …”
She smiles ear to ear. I watch her as if an internal battle was going on until I see her take off the towel and slide back into the water letting me watch her.
I walk up to the tub and look down at her until I see her smile, giving me the okay for whatever might happen next.
I climb into the tub and lay on top of her in my clothes, my sweats and my shirt, and cradle myself right over her body feeling her warmness. Nothing is between us but the water and my clothes.
I start to kiss her, and she is giving me back whatever I am delivering to her. She is full of passion and skill, welcoming me with her tongue. I have no thoughts in my head other than this woman is not only beautiful but also feels wonderful under me. Why did I hold out for this? How could anyone walk away from her? Her taste could have me hooked if I let myself. She moves her hips up against my hardness and then up and down my back, pulling my shirt up so that she can feel my skin beneath her hands. The harder I get, the deeper she kisses. I was so lost in this woman. In my soul, I knew it was in more ways than one.
I slide my shirt off and then go back down to her, feeling her breasts against my chest. The water was getting cooler, but the heat between us was on fire, scorching, and I don’t think either of us cared. We would keep each other warm.
I wanted to touch her between her legs so badly; I craved it but thought better of it not sure what her limit would be, and I didn’t want it to end too soon. She was heaven, and I didn’t want anything to ruin it.
“Trev—”
She mouths taking a breather from our kissing, and I love the sound of my name on her lips.
“Yes, baby …?”
I start to kiss her on the neck and hope that the intensity only gets hotter. I wanted it, all of it. All of Ryann. She had me feeling again.
“The door.”
“What?”
She pulls back from me for a second, so I can hear what she hears. Someone is at the door, ruining our time together.
*****
Ryann
You’ve heard the saying saved by the bell… well, this was saved by the knock. If Maxwell wouldn’t have shown up, I have no doubt in my mind that I would have had sex with Trevor. And I would have loved every minute of it. I could feel the want on his lips, and the desire from his body.
He took great care of himself, and it showed. I didn’t exercise as much as I should since I stayed so busy, but when I felt Trevor’s body, I knew he did the extra mile to stay trim. He had love handles that fit perfectly to his body that I would have loved to hold on to when he was on top of me. His back is muscled and shaped in a way just for me to hold, feeling the movement of his body.
When he jumped in the tub with me, I about died. I wanted him to, but I never would have thought Mr. Intense would have done it. He was so pissed at me last night and drunker than a skunk. I couldn’t leave him and knew I was only asking for trouble when I followed him home. Then he stumbled around telling me where I was to sleep since I insisted on staying. He brought me to his bed and then leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. I was tempted to move my head so that he would have to kiss my lips. I was tempted to put my arms around him and pull him down with me in his bed. Instead, I relented. I thought better of it and then snuggled into his pillow, breathing his scent in.
After some time of staring at his ceiling, I tiptoed into the kitchen passing him to get some water. I watched him snoring sprawled out on the designer couch. He was out cold. Though I had never seen a man look so sexy snoring.
I kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “Sleep tight,” before walking back to the bedroom. He looked so beautiful yet so vulnerable. But not weak, though.
He was a grown man upset over his father’s death … and I was trying to help him out. That was all.
Maxwell showed up to check on him and bring him coffee from Starbucks. He was just as worried about him as I was, and I liked seeing a man friendship like they had. They truly cared for each other.
I could tell that Maxwell was not the least bit shocked when I walked out of the room wearing my bar shirt and my blue jeans. He had a smile on his face bigger than Texas, and I could tell Trevor was still frustrated about what was about to happen and didn’t.
“I was worried about you, man, but it looks like I—”
“Actually, Maxwell, I was just leaving.”
“You don’t have to go, Ry,” Trevor comments.
“I gotta get home. I am glad you are okay.” I smile weakly.
“Because of you,” he murmurs, and I feel the presence of Max’s eyes on me and then back at Trevor.
“Can I walk you out, at the very least?” Trevor asks.
“Sure.” I didn’t want to sound rude, and I did want to spend another minute with him alone telling him that I really didn’t plan for what happened just a few minutes a
go.
He walks me to the elevator and pushes the button waiting for it to ding in silence.
We enter the elevator, and he stood right in front of me so that I had to give him my full attention.
“It means a lot to me that you stayed and looked after me last night. I know I was a mess.”
“It’s okay. I can only imagine. Your loss …”
And then Trevor leans in and kisses me sweetly on my lips while holding my cheek.
“Thank you,” he said as the chime went off. “Can we finish this another time?”
“Anytime. I mean sure, yeah.” And I walk into the elevator as fast as I can. I had to get away, and I had to get away fast. For the first time since Jake, I knew that Trevor was going to ruin me. And I am stupid enough to love him, knowing that if I do, I could walk away more hollow than I already am. And it would be worth every ounce of pain when all I had left was the memories. I wouldn’t regret letting myself love him because I knew deep down he loved me too, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
Nineteen
Ryann
It has been three months since Mr. James died and the stables just do not feel the same. The only good thing that has come out of this is Trevor seems to be trying. He seems to really want something with me, and even though I swore I would never settle, for Trevor I would. I would take what he can give and hope it was enough. Hopefully, in time, he would heal from Leah, and if he didn’t, then we would take that as it came. Love is nothing if it isn’t a sacrifice, right?
Jackie sent me over to him to see if he was okay. He seemed lost in thought, and I would have left him alone. She insisted, though, at my hesitation. “You probably should go check on him and see if he needs reminding of what needs to be done … You know he has been working in the a/c for so long, he may have forgotten how to actually do manual work.” Yep, that was my aunt—always an insult at the end of her trying to be nice.
I walk up and put my arms around his chest from behind while he stares into the distance at the stables. I could tell he was still filtering the loss of his father and the guilt of the years of not being around due to a misunderstanding that probably could have been worked out.
BrokenHearted Page 15
