Deliciously Damaged

by KB Winters

  I appreciated her attempt to keep things light. “And I thought you were here just for me. I’m just a convenience,” I told her with a fake sniffle. “Thanks, seriously.”

  “Don’t!” Jana held her hands up in my direction. “We’re here for you. You’re our friend and we want to be yours but if you keep that up you’ll have two pregnant women blubbering like babies in here.”

  “Thanks for the heads up,” I told her, wincing as I tried to sit up.

  “How are you feeling, really?” Teddy tilted her head to the side in that classic sign of pity that people thought was sympathy.

  “Never better,” I told her flippantly. “Doesn’t matter, it’ll heal. Eventually.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. Savior looked like he wanted to rip someone’s head off when we picked him up,” Teddy said. “He’s got it bad.”

  I shook my head, refusing to listen. Maybe that’s how women talked when they were together but I didn’t want to hear it. “He’s got a bad case of guilt and obligation. That’s all it is.”

  They both laughed like it was the funniest damn joke in the world. Teddy blurted out, “Oh Jana, she actually believes that.”

  I glared at Teddy but it had no effect on the girl.

  “It’s true, Teddy. He feels bad he didn’t look after me like he promised my brother. Thinks all of this is his fault.”

  If there was one thing I hated, it was pity. And obligation. I was used to both and neither had ever done a damn thing to make me or my life any better.

  “Don’t worry,” I told them as sleep slowly pulled me under. “I’m fine on my own.”

  ***

  When I woke up some time later, the doctor was staring at me with a creepy but professional smile. “Good news Mandy. We’re letting you out today.”

  “Great.” I could go home to my tiny apartment and do absolutely nothing with a broken arm and sore ribs.

  Then came more good news. “Unfortunately, you will be in that cast for at least six to ten weeks. No work at all during that time, and we’ll discuss it more when you’re well enough to start therapy.” More good news as he spoke. No work. No cooking. No laughing or fucking. No living.

  Nothing.

  “Super.” I murmured.

  He gave me a sympathetic smile that made me want to scream. “You’re young, Mandy. There’s no reason you won’t heal completely if you commit to it. I’ll get that paperwork started if you want to call someone to pick you up.”

  “Do you have my phone?” I hadn’t thought about it before now because I didn’t need it, then the nurse who was checking my vitals pulled a large plastic bag from the closet.

  “Here you go dear. If you need anything else, buzz me.”

  “Thank you.” My voice was soft, broken in gratitude as I watched them both leave. Despite my complaining, they’d done so much for me. Yet, I was alone again and though it was the way I’d spent most of my life, it now felt stifling and uncomfortable. So loud and in my face about how alone I was.

  But there was nothing to be done about it because despite what Jana and Teddy thought, Savior’s absence told me everything.

  I picked up my phone, grateful to whoever had powered it off, and placed a reservation for a cab ride in two hours. It was how I’d always gotten around until I’d bought a car when I moved back to Vegas. I was used to it. Completely self-sufficient.

  Because, well, I had to be.

  And the more I thought about it, the more leaving Las Vegas sounded just about perfect. Relying on people, making connections was great, for other people. But I was worried that relying on people might make me forget who I was.

  Strong.

  Capable.

  Alone.

  ***

  “I know you’re in there, Pixie. Open up!” Savior’s voice came out loud enough to drown out the comedy special playing on TV but the pounding on the door shook the walls. “I’ve got all day.”

  I let out a long sigh at the thought of getting up. The pain pills worked but not enough. I’d spent the past two days only moving when absolutely necessary. I’d put off going to the bathroom or the kitchen until I couldn’t stand it any longer, and I slept in the same spot I was now sitting in on my sofa. “Go away, Savior.”

  “No. Don’t make me break this door down.”

  That’s just what I needed, to get kicked out before I planned to move out anyway. I’d already given my landlord my thirty-day notice but I knew I’d need every one of those days to stay put with my injuries.

  I sucked in a long, deep breath and let it out slowly as I stood and made my way to the door. I flipped the lock and twisted the knob before turning back to the sofa. My skin was already damp from the effort it took to breathe deeply and stand. Though my eye was no longer swollen shut, a good thing, the huge, ugly green and yellow bruise didn’t do me any favors.

  “What do you want?” I called to him as I made my way back to my cocoon.

  “I brought you a few things.”

  I was busy getting myself settled on the couch again and didn’t look at him, at the smile I heard in his voice. I hadn’t seen him in a few days and hadn’t planned on seeing him again. “I have everything I need but thank you.”

  When I finally looked up he froze and stared at me with a confused and hurt look on his face. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately.”

  I eased back into the couch, waiting for the pain to settle after all that movement. “Don’t be. I told you before, not your responsibility.” I didn’t want to be anyone’s responsibility or another item on their list of things they had to do. By now, I knew that’s how he would always see me.

  “It’s not that, I —”

  I cut him off. “It’s fine, Savior. You have a life and I don’t need an explanation, but I do appreciate the thought.”

  “Goddamn, you are one frustrating woman,” he groaned and dropped the bags on the tiny two-legged table that passed off as a dining table. “I went to see Ammo.”

  Of course he did, because his guilt had probably overwhelmed him and now he was determined to double down on the overprotective thing. “Good for you.”

  “Did I do something to piss you off, Pixie?”

  “Nope. I’m not pissed off. I’m in pain, Savior.”

  “Do you need pills or water or something?”

  I glanced at the case of bottled water under the coffee table and the pills on top of it, then back at him. “I’m good, thanks. Look, Savior, I don’t need a babysitter.”

  “Good, because I’m no one’s babysitter. Can’t I just do something nice because I want to?”

  “Sure,” I told him but I didn’t believe him at all.

  He was determined to prove me wrong by unpacking the bags and bringing me a plate piled with fried chicken, spaghetti and salad. Before I could complain about how I was going to eat and hold my plate with only one good arm, he raced into my kitchen and returned with my tray table. “See? It’s not so bad having me around.”

  “I never said it was.”

  “But you implied it.” He stared at me again, waiting for a reaction but I had no reaction to give. The pain was so unbearable that I pushed down everything else, all of my thoughts and emotions that had nothing to do with my immediate plans. I couldn’t handle anything else.

  Not even Savior.

  “I’m not going to argue with you,” I said and picked up the plastic fork he’d provided.

  “No? Then what are you going to do about your friend and Roadkill MC?”

  I shrugged. “Nothing.”

  “That’s not going to work, Pixie.” His gaze was hard and cold, deadly serious as he sat beside me with his own plate in his hands.

  “Well it’s the best I can do, so you need to deal with it.” I dropped my fork on the plate in frustration. Eating left handed was difficult and leaning forward to do so only made the pain in my ribs worse. Fucking bikers.

  “What about your job?”

  I laughed bitterly. “What job?”
>
  Landry had been only too happy to learn I wouldn’t be back but he wasn’t all laughs when he learned I’d been attacked in his parking lot. I could have told him I’d be long gone before I had a chance to sue but he didn’t deserve it. Let the fucker stew on it for a while.

  “Shit, Mandy. I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Don’t be. I’m fine with it.”

  “What will you do for work?”

  I shrugged, for some reason I couldn’t tell him the truth, that I would leave and find a job and a home in another city. I couldn’t tell him that I was starting over somewhere else and I didn’t know why. “Figure it out. It’s what I do.”

  “And Roadkill? You can’t really think they’ll just let this go, even if you did something crazy like leave town they’d come and find you.”

  I didn’t think that, but I couldn’t worry about it. “All they can do is kill me, Savior.”

  “Don’t fucking say that!” He threw his half empty plate on the coffee table with a clatter as his voice echoed in the small room. “That’s not funny, Mandy. There’s no coming back from that.”

  “Believe me, I know.”

  “So this is what, some suicide mission?” He was angry and worried, but I didn’t need that from him. Not now.

  “No, Savior. I have no desire to die but I can’t live my life worrying about them. I can’t control what they do, only what I do.”

  “And what do you plan to do, Mandy?”

  “Figure it out. I’ve got time.”

  Twenty-eight days to be exact, but that was no one’s business but my own.

  Chapter 20

  Savior

  I headed back to the clubhouse to find a quiet corner to get my head straight. Mandy was hiding something from me, but I didn’t know what. Not yet, anyway. But I’d figure it out. It was normal for her to feel scared and paranoid after what had happened to her but this was more than that. She didn’t want to see me, but not in an angry vengeful way. It was more that she was pulling away from me, withdrawing.

  “Earth to Savior. What’s going on with you, man?”

  I looked up at Cross who wore a worried look that pissed me off. I wasn’t some head case he needed to be concerned about. “Shit’s going on with me but maybe if you braid my hair and ask again, I’ll tell you.”

  “Asshole. I know this is about what happened to Mandy and I hope you’re not planning to do anything stupid.”

  Even if I wanted to, it would be pointless. She wouldn’t listen to me anyway. “I’m not fuckin’ planning anything.”

  He stared at me, waiting for me to crack. But he’d have to wait a long fucking time. “You don’t want to talk? Fine. Just listen. Something is clearly going on with you two but you’re here at the clubhouse drinking in the middle of the goddamn day instead of being over there with her. She’s fucked up man, broken, bruised and battered. And alone. Again.”

  “Yeah well, she doesn’t want me or my help. Thinks I’m her babysitter.”

  “Have you told her any different?”

  “Nah, it’s better this way anyway.”

  “Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.” Cross began to laugh and then he laughed harder, clapping me on the back as tears damn near streamed down his face. “How fucking stupid are you, man? You like her.”

  I shook my head and reached for the bottle, pouring another shot.

  “No, you’re right. You don’t like her, you love her.”

  I barked out a laugh. “I’m not capable of that particular emotion, brother.”

  “Tell that shit to someone who doesn’t know you. You might be hard as hell on the outside but you know how to love and you love hard. Guys like us, that’s how we do it. That’s how we can take up arms and fight for this country, fight for the Reckless Bastards. Our love runs deep.”

  I took another sip of my drink, savoring the amber liquid as I tried to shake off his assessment of me. Not buying it. “Then maybe you ought to get out there and get some of that deep love so you stop trying to play the fucking matchmaker.”

  He snorted, “If it was that fucking easy, I would. But what you want is right in front of you. If you stop being such a pussy and go after it.”

  “Yeah, thanks Prez. Always a pleasure talkin’ to you.”

  He laughed. “Asshole.”

  “That’s what they call me.”

  His bootsteps clattered loud on the hard floor as he walked away, probably back to his office where he spent all of his time. Hiding from life. Avoiding everything to do with living but the club.

  But he was right about one thing, Mandy was injured and alone. No matter how much she didn’t want me around, she needed me. And I needed to be there for her.

  No, I wanted to.

  When I pulled into Mandy’s parking lot there was one of those big ass yellow charity trucks parked in my spot. Well, in her visitor’s spot, but I was so used to parking there it felt like mine. I parked in Mandy’s spot and went in search of the guys in blue coveralls, shocked to find them inside Mandy’s apartment. “What the hell is going on in here?” A prickle of unease slid down my back, making my skin pucker in awareness. I should have realized something was up when I took her parking space. She had no job and she was still injured, where in the hell was she?

  A guy with curly blond hair who couldn’t have been more than twenty-one looked at me with a frown. “We got a call from the tenant and instructions to clear out some stuff. Is anything in here yours?”

  I shook my head but still took the clipboard just to make sure this was Mandy’s doing and not someone else’s. It was her block writing, straight and efficient, with curt instructions.

  “Nah, nothing here is mine. This was my friend’s place, you know?”

  He flashed an understanding smile. “No worries, man. She left as soon as we got here.”

  And it didn’t take a genius to figure out that she’d made good on her threat to leave Las Vegas. I’d thought it was an idle threat, something she blurted out when she was frustrated with her job, her life. Why didn’t she tell me she was serious? She left behind everything that was too big to carry, including her television, sofa and bed. She was traveling light, probably to put as much distance between her and Vegas and the Roadkill MC as possible.

  The question was, where the hell would she go? Mandy could be any fucking where, headed anywhere and I had no clue where to start looking. “How long ago did she leave?”

  The blond looked at his watch and frowned. “About thirty, maybe forty minutes ago. She left instructions and booked it out of here. Only let me carry her bag because I insisted.”

  “And called her ma’am,” one of the other movers, a chubby guy with a red buzz cut said with a wide grin.

  “Yeah, she didn’t appreciate it,” he confirmed with a sheepish grin that told me she’d probably used a few colorful words to express her displeasure.

  “Thanks guys.” My boots pounded loudly on the concrete steps and I had my phone out, dialing the one person who might have an idea of where she might go, or even better, where she was headed. “Teddy, do you have any idea where Mandy would go if she was leaving town?”

  “What?” Her voice screeched so loud I had to pull the damn phone back.

  “Teddy, focus. I’m at her place now and the Salvation Army people are here taking all the shit she left behind. Do you know where she went?”

  “Shit, I didn’t think she was serious. I haven’t talked to her in a few days. She hasn’t been answering my texts.” She went silent as if coming her memory. “You know, last time we did talk, she said maybe it was time she left Vegas. I thought it was the painkillers. She never said she was leaving though.” Teddy sounded just as frantic as I felt and that wasn’t helping. At all, dammit.

  “And you didn’t tell me? What the fuck is going on?”

  Teddy sighed and I could practically see her rolling her eyes even through the phone. “I don’t know, Savior. Maybe she wants to get away from, well, everything.”

  O
uch. “Yeah, well that’s just too damn bad.” She would get my help and my protection, along with the rest of the Reckless Bastards. “If you think of anywhere she might go, let me know,” I told her and ended the call before she said another word. I hopped on my bike and headed to the clubhouse.

  Right now, the only thing I needed was a drink and my brothers.

  Chapter 21

  Mandy

  Why I decided that leaving the city while I still had broken and bruised bones was a good idea, I’d never know. More importantly, I had to question my own smarts when I chose to hop on the I-15 south to Los Angeles. It was a little over a four-hour drive and a few freeways and driving with one hand wasn’t the smartest plan I’d ever come up with, but at least I was still breathing.

  LA was so damn expensive, plus, traffic was atrocious. On the other hand, it was a great place to get lost for a while. With millions of people in the city and more flooding the limits every day hoping to become the next big thing, I would be just another anonymous face in the crowd. That meant I could heal properly and figure out what came next.

  If I ever made it. God, I was stupid to think I could. Not that making the best decisions was my forte or anything.

  Pain seared through my midsection and shot up my arm all the way to my skull. After about a half hour of driving, it was so bad I pulled over and closed my eyes. Deep breathing wasn’t helping me right now. I contemplated taking a painkiller but I knew if I did I’d be zoned out in the scorching desert heat for hours. Chances were my little piece of shit car would overheat and I’d never get the hell out of here.

  It took almost an hour of praying to whoever was up there and long deep breaths before the pain dropped from a nine to a six and I figured that was probably as good as it was going to get. If only I could get my body to listen, to sit up so I could strap the damn seatbelt back on and get back on the road. To yet another temporary stop on my way to my real life.

  Whatever the hell that meant.