Deliciously Damaged

by KB Winters

“I bet you’re wishing you hadn’t now,” I tried to joke.

  “Allie,” he scolded. “One day, I was in there drinking my coffee and your boss was sitting at the table next to me, working on his laptop. I don’t know exactly what happened, but he was cussing and pitching a fit. You raced over and within two seconds you had his back up and running. And he told you to mind your own business and get back to the counter. I knew you were never going to be able to grow in a place like that, and you obviously had the skills, you just needed someone who would give you a shot. So, I decided to be that someone.”

  I was actually a little choked up listening to him tell me the story. It wasn’t a day I could distinctly remember, but the fact that he not only noticed me, but saw that potential and took a gamble on me, was overwhelming. All my life, people had been trying to get me to stay in the box, color inside the lines. Bryce was probably the first person to see my potential and actually want to let me loose, to learn and grow as a person.

  And how did I repay him? I got him demoted…

  I suck.

  “What are you doing home anyways? It’s Friday night! What happened to being a wildcat on the weekends?”

  I laughed. “Well, my bank account is telling me to slow down and have a peanut butter and jelly kind of night in, instead.”

  Bryce clucked his tongue. “Well, that’s just unacceptable. Come on out, Clay and I are going out and you just officially became our guest of honor for the evening!”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, another sting of guilt at the idea of him buying me dinner.

  “Yes, come on! Clay is always nagging me to introduce my friends to him anyways. Trust me, you’ll be doing me a favor.”

  I finally caved, and he rattled off his address and I agreed to meet him in half an hour. I went about getting ready, and just as I was about to walk out the door, I had a moment of clarity and knew exactly what I needed to do.

  Chapter Five

  Saturday morning came too soon. The sunlight shining in from my window, glared down on my face as I lay sprawled across the bed. I rolled away from the window and opened my eyes, and as my eyes adjusted, a pit formed in my stomach at what lay ahead of me. Bryce and his boyfriend, Clay, had done their best to cheer me up the night before, but going out with them had actually made me feel worse about everything. We had gone to an upscale restaurant and had dinner and drinks. Nothing too fancy, but I still felt completely out of my element and wondered how I was ever going to get my life back on track. The whole night had led to some alcohol-induced pondering about what my track was even supposed to be anymore. I certainly didn’t feel like it would ever be working someplace like Spotlight again.

  Somewhere in between the restaurant and getting home and collapsing into bed, I had made up my mind. The most immediate need was to get money coming in so I didn’t get evicted, and I only knew one sure-fire way to make that happen. I got out of bed and hurried to get ready, knowing that if I wanted a chance to make some money tonight, I needed to leave soon.

  A little over an hour later, I pulled up on Cherry Bomb outside Marco’s, a so-called “gentleman’s club” in one of the seedier pockets of the city. I took in a deep breath and then hauled myself off of my bike. I took off my helmet and strode through the front doors, shoulders back, face tough. As soon as I stepped through the doors, I was instantly assaulted with memories from the past—when I’d worked here before. It had been well over a year since the last time I’d stepped foot in this place but it all rushed right back as if it had been yesterday.

  The room was dark, even though it was the middle of the day. The few windows were blacked out with thick plastic pieces and neon colored LED lights were strung through…Marco had once told me it was for ambiance. I always thought our clients were a little bit like cockroaches—they didn’t like bright lights.

  “Allie Cat? That you? Well, shit. Girl, whatcha doin’ here?”

  Speak of the devil.

  I turned at the sound and saw Marco striding across the room towards me. I plastered on my best smile and gave myself a brief mental pep talk as he approached. “Hello, Marco,” I said. “I came to talk to you, actually. I have a business proposition.”

  “I’m listenin’,” he drawled, close enough that I could smell the liquor that was already on his breath.

  “I’m looking for a part time gig,” I said, hurrying the words together in fear of chickening out if I stood there breathing in his stench any longer.

  His face broke into a smile and he chuckled. “I knew you’d be back. When you flew out of here last time, going off half-cocked about your future, I knew it was only a matter of time. You’d show up again.”

  His words sunk into my soul and I felt a new wave of panic welling up inside of me as he spoke. If I could have seen another way, I would have punched him in the throat and walked out, but I had wracked my brain, and this was the best way to get the money I needed to fix Cherry Bomb and save myself from eviction. I tried to force myself to focus on that, and not let Marco’s words drag me back into the dark pit I had spent so long climbing out of.

  “It’s temporary,” I told Marco, my words short. “I only want three nights a week and you’re not getting a cut of my tips.”

  He laughed. “Oh, Allie, sweet little Allie. That’s not how this works. What’s in it for me?”

  “I’ll do full nudity.”

  His eyes opened wide. In the past, I had firmly rejected full nudity, no matter how much he tried to coax me into doing it. But, if I wanted the rest of my terms, I knew I needed a bargaining chip. And judging by the look on his face, that was it.

  “One more condition,” he said, trying to conceal his excitement. “You have to give me a dance, in the back room. I need to see you still got it.”

  My eyes went wide with horror but I did my best to cover it with my best smile. “When?”

  “Now’s as good a time as any. Whatcha say, Allie Cat? We got a deal?” He held out his hand and I shook it, gulping back my disgust as I followed him through the club and to his back office. I shuddered as I stepped through the doorway, knowing all the stories the girls had told me about what went on in the back room.

  When I had worked at Marco’s before, it was when I had first moved to LA. Things in Kansas had gone sideways and I needed an escape. I packed up my clunker of a car and drove it across the country and ended up in LA with hardly any money, no friends, and no place to stay. I ended up using what little money I had to rent a room at a motel near the club. I had asked the motel manager about jobs in the area and he recommended I check with Marco. At first, I had been appalled and offended that he even suggested it, but then thought about it and decided I could be a waitress or something and still bring in some good money. Which is exactly what had happened. I started working the bar, made good tips, but all the guys were begging Marco to get me on stage. One night, after a few too many shots, I agreed and danced for the crowd in my bra and panties. I earned more that night than in a whole week working at the bar so I told Marco I would dance, but I wouldn’t strip more than that like some of the other dancers.

  It had worked well, until I got sick of living at a shitty motel and wanted to move to the classier part of town. I saved and saved for my deposit, lined up my barista job, and gave my notice with Marco. He had been furious with me, as I was his most requested girl, but I stuck to my guns, left that day, and hadn’t looked back or regretted the choice ever since.

  “Okay, show me what you got,” Marco said, taking his seat on a bench up against the wall of his dingy office. He held out a remote and some type of club music filled the room.

  I set my helmet down on the ground and started to move to the music. I closed my eyes and danced for him for a minute, pretending I was in the shower, alone.

  “Show me some skin! You said nude!”

  A wave of nausea hit my stomach but I kept dancing and started to unzip my leather jacket. I was wearing a red tank top underneath. Once that was exposed, I unzipped my jeans
and wiggled out of them, a challenge with my riding boots on but I improvised and put one leg up on the bench, leaning into Marco as I unzipped the first boot and slid out of it—forcing my mind off the myriad of germs on the floor as I set my foot back down—and went to work on the second boot. Once freed, I slipped out of my jeans and danced in my black panties, swiveling my ass into Marco’s face while I pulled off my tank top.

  Marco whooped and ran his hand down the side of my body and I turned to face the wall to hide my cringe at his touch. I unhooked my bra and slowly slid it down my arms, holding the cups against my breasts, not wanting to expose them. Marco grabbed my hips and spun me around and the bra slipped from my fingers. I leaned forward, my bare breasts in his face as I straddled him. I started to grind against him, my hips moving with the music, I laid my head back, looked up at the ceiling and tried to stop the tears that were burning in my eyes.

  Marco’s hands roved over me as I waited, willing the song to end, but it kept going. I pulled away, climbing out of his lap to remove my panties, when his finger slipped up my leg and rubbed over the fabric of my panties between my thighs. He pressed his fingers harder against me and my whole body shuddered with disgust at his touch.

  “You like that, do ya?” he whispered, pressing harder, his fingers searching for the edge of the fabric.

  Before I could stop myself, I slapped his hand and then pinned him against the bench with my arm. “You’re done,” I said right to his face. “Show’s over.”

  He held up his hands, surrendering, and I released him and quickly started to get dressed.

  “You always were a firecracker, weren’t you, Allie cat?” He laughed as I scrambled back into my clothes.

  I zipped up my jacket and then, fully clothed, turned back to face him. “Do we have a deal or not, Marco? If not, I’m sure there are other clubs around town that will meet my terms.”

  He laughed. “The gig is yours. I just lost my best gal, knocked up.” He said it like it was terminal. “Anyways, come back tonight. I’ll make you the main event. You should easily pull in five hundred or so, more on the weekends of course. You remember.”

  I nodded and he vanished from the room, leaving me alone to put my boots back on. I sank down onto the bench and leaned forward onto my knees, trying to catch my breath. It had taken all of my mental resolve to not burst into tears during the dance, but once alone, they were still waiting and started to slide down my cheeks. The whole thing had been so insulting and reminded me of nothing but bad memories from the past. I knew it would be different that night. When on stage, everything seemed more anonymous and there would be security guards in place to keep the pervert guys like Marco from touching me, but I wasn’t sure I would be ready to perform.

  Chapter Six

  I managed to get myself together and left the club as soon as I got my boots back on. I rode home and immediately took a long, hot shower, desperate to scrub away Marco’s paw prints. My tears were dry, but pieces of my past were shifting in front of me, like a kaleidoscope. When I got out of the shower, I wanted to call someone, to not be alone, but couldn’t think of who to call. No one would understand what I was going through, and if I told anyone what I was about to do, they would all beg for me to change my mind. I was already teetering close to the edge of backing out. I didn’t need anyone else voicing the same concerns that were rattling around my mind.

  A glance at the clock told me I only had a couple hours left until I had to be back at the club to perform. I made a salad but couldn’t bring myself to eat any of it and ended up throwing it all down the disposal, which then led to a deep clean of the kitchen just to keep my mind off everything else. By the time my kitchen was sparkling, it was time to leave. I carefully selected what I wanted to wear, threw it into my black messenger bag and left.

  I arrived at the club, just as dusk was falling over the city. There was already a group of shady-looking men standing outside, waiting to be let in. I pushed past them.

  “Hey, mama! You gonna shake that ass for me tonight?” one of them called out as I opened the door. His buddies cheered, whooping and hollering along. I gripped the handle tightly and mentally counted down, resisting the urge to turn back and say something insulting to them. I looked back and winked before disappearing into the dark club, their catcalls silenced when the door swung shut behind me.

  It was surprising how quickly the routine came back to me. I strode to the back of the club, rounded the corner, and entered the backstage area where all the dancers were milling around. There was a wall of lockers on one side of the room and a large mirror on the other side. In the very back of the room was a small bathroom for employees only. At first, no one even noticed me, and I looked over the girls gathered around getting dressed and realized that I didn’t recognize any of them anymore. As far as I could tell, all the girls who had worked here when I was a dancer were gone. I was happy for them, that they had all been able to move on, but there was also sadness as I had been hoping for at least one or two familiar faces to help me get more comfortable.

  If that was even possible.

  “Allie?”

  I turned at the sound of my name and my face lit up, spotting Trudy coming up behind me.

  “Trudy!” I stepped forward into her open arms. “Did Marco tell you I was coming tonight?”

  “No, but I would recognize that ass and those tats anywhere, girl!”

  I laughed. “It’s good to see you.”

  She frowned at me. “I would say the same, but girl, what are you doing back here?”

  “It’s temporary, I’m running a little short on cash,” I explained, trying my best to play off the severity of my current situation.

  She looked like she was about to speak, but stopped short when Marco came around the corner, clapping his hands to get everyone’s attention.

  “Good evenin’ ladies,” he said. Most of the girls barely glanced up at his arrival. “This here is Allie. She’s our new girl.”

  He placed a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it away.

  “As our new girl, I think we’ll have her go out there first, gets the crowd going. It’s gonna be a good night! Allie Cat, you’re up in five.”

  With that, he was gone. My eyes flew to Trudy. “You better get ready. It’s half off tap beer tonight, so we are gonna be slammed. We’ll catch up later.”

  I nodded as she patted my back before turning to go get herself ready. I walked along the row of lockers and was pleasantly surprised to see my old locker was still vacant. I got undressed, putting my clothes away in the locker as I stripped down. I was just about ready when the music started and I heard Marco out on stage shouting for me, getting the crowd fired up, the cheers of liquored-up men drowning out most of his introduction.

  I took one long look in the mirror, letting the cheers and hollering soak in, hoping it would energize me and get me in a better head space, but all it managed to do was make me more nervous.

  “Allie Cat! Get out here, girl. These gentlemen are waiting for ya!”

  The yelling got louder.

  I froze—my hands were shaking and my breathing was speeding up, keeping time with my racing heartbeat as I stood at the mirror, staring at my reflection.

  Moments flashed by and the cheering turned to booing and I could hear the crowd turn, getting angry and nasty. I knew I had to move, I had to go perform, but I couldn’t. My legs were like cement, bonded to the cheap laminate flooring.

  “Allie, honey, you don’t have to do this. Just tell Marco you’ve changed your mind.”

  Trudy’s reflection appeared in the mirror next to mine. She placed a hand on my shoulder.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I whispered.

  “What the fuck’s goin’ on back here?” Marco interrupted, storming into the dressing area. “Heather, get out there!”

  A blonde girl nodded and bolted towards the stage.

  “Allie! You want this gig or not?” he asked, turning back to me.


  “For fuck’s sake, Marco, give us a minute!” Trudy hissed.

  He puffed up and looked about to explode, but at the last second turned and left, muttering something about getting soft as he went. I was surprised she was able to be so bold with him, but she had been there the longest, and she made good money and kept the rest of the girls in line when their drama threatened to spill over and cause issues at the club.

  “Honey, what’s really going on?” Trudy asked. “Come over here, let’s sit.”

  I let her lead me to a folding chair in the corner, by the bathroom. She sat me down and then took the seat next to me. I leaned forward and buried my face in my hands.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing here. I never thought it would come to this,” I said, my voice muffled by my fist. “Again.”

  “What happened to the coffee shop?”

  “I quit,” I said.

  “All right. Well, let’s start there. What happened next?”

  Her voice was so soothing and gentle that before I knew it, I was blubbering through the whole fucking disaster that had been my life over the last few months. I told her about Spotlight, Cooper, the pictures, getting fired, Cherry Bomb getting cut apart, everything. When I finished telling my story, I sagged over onto her shoulder, tears streaking black stains down my cheeks as my mascara and thick black eyeliner washed away.

  She patted my hair. “Honey, you wanna know what I think?”

  “Sure,” I said, starting to wipe away the mess all over my face, but it seemed to only make it worse with each swipe.

  “You’re not meant for this life. You’re too smart and too beautiful to be stuck in a pit like this,” she started.

  I started to tell her she was smart and beautiful, too, but she held up a hand and stopped me.

  “Allie, honey, I knew when you started here that this was just a stepping stone for you, that you would find your way in this crazy world, so I didn’t push you too hard to leave. But this time, I’m gonna tell you that you need to go home and figure out a new plan.”