Needing Her

by Allie Everhart

  “She’s running late,” she says, not looking at me as she unlocks Rachel’s door. “She told me to let you in.”

  Shelby’s wearing tight jeans and a short, boxy sweatshirt, her blond hair in a messy ponytail. She looks like she’s still in high school, although according to Rachel, she’s 22.

  “How late will she be?” I ask Shelby.

  She shrugs. “Maybe a half hour. She said the tour was running late. It was one of her old people tours. She said those people always have lots of questions.”

  I go inside with the bags of food and set them on the kitchen counter. I turn around and see Shelby right in front of me. I didn’t hear her follow me in.

  “Did you need something?” I ask her.

  She narrows her eyes at me. “I told you to stop seeing her.”

  “And why would I listen to you?”

  She huffs as she crosses her arms over her chest. “You’re an ass, you know that?”

  “Why? Because I’m dating Rachel and you don’t approve? Well, get over it. It’s none of your damn business.”

  “It IS my business. She’s my friend and I care about her.”

  “So do I.”

  “No, you don’t. You’re using her and I don’t know why. You could have any woman you want, so why her? Why Rachel?”

  “I’m not using her. I told you, I care about her. More than anything. She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She’s kind and beautiful and intelligent and completely selfless. I can’t get enough her. All I want to do is spend time with her. Make her happy.”

  Shelby’s arms drop to her sides as she stares at me, barely blinking. “Fuck.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” She starts pacing the floor.

  “What’s wrong? What are you doing?”

  She stops right in front of me. “You love her, don’t you? You love Rachel.”

  I don’t know how to answer. Do I? Do I love Rachel? I’m not sure. I’ve never been in love, so maybe I am and don’t know it. Shelby seems to think I am. But how would she know that? She doesn’t. She’s just saying that. But why would she say that? She doesn’t even want me with Rachel, and telling me I’m in love with her isn’t going to make me break up with her.

  “Fuck!” Shelby says it again. “You’re in love with her? How is that even possible? I thought guys like you didn’t fall in love. Isn’t there a rule against that? I’m sure there is. That place is nothing but rules.”

  She’s referring to the organization, which she shouldn’t be. She should never talk about them, even when she’s doing official business as an associate.

  “Don’t talk about them,” I tell her. “Especially here.”

  She places her hands on her hips. “Just admit it. You love her.”

  “I’m just dating her. I never said I was in love.”

  “You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face. You have that same lovesick look that Rachel has.” She turns to start pacing again but I hold onto her arm.

  “Wait. Rachel’s in love with me?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Oh, please, like you didn’t know this?”

  “No. I didn’t. She’s never told me that. Why do you think she’s in love with me?”

  “Because of that.” She waves her hand at my face. “That look you guys get whenever you talk about each other. Your eyes light up and you get that stupid smile on your face. It’s like you can’t control it. It’s fucking annoying.”

  “She’s not in love with me. We haven’t known each other that long.”

  “I know, right?” She walks in the living room and plops down on the couch. “I thought maybe I was wrong. That maybe Rachel just thought she was in love because you’re rich and hot and can sometimes be charming.”

  I smile at her backhanded compliment as I go over and sit in the chair that’s next to the couch. “Just sometimes?”

  She rolls her eyes again. “Don’t flatter yourself. Everyone knows guys like you turn on the charm when you need to impress a girl. I thought Rachel would be able to see through your games, but instead she fell in love.”

  “I’m not playing games with her.”

  “Oh, really?” She shifts so she’s facing me. “Then why are you stringing her along knowing you can never be with her?”

  I glance down, rubbing my forehead. “If I want to be with her, I will. It’s not their decision.”

  “It sure as hell is.” She moves closer to me and nudges my shin with her foot. “Pearce.”

  I glance up again. “What?”

  “You know you can’t be with her. It’ll never happen. And if you really loved her, you’d let her go. If you keep waiting, you’ll hurt her even more when you leave her.”

  “I’m not leaving her. I’m going to find a way to make this work.”

  “So you’re going to marry her?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.”

  “Bullshit. I know you’ve thought about it. And you’re really okay with not having kids someday?”

  “I’ve never wanted children, so the fact that she can’t have them isn’t a concern for me. And it wouldn’t be even if I did want them. I would never leave her because of that. It wouldn’t even be a consideration. I love her too much to—” I stop, realizing what I just said.

  “See? What did I tell you?” Shelby’s staring at me again. “This is so messed up. You’re seriously thinking of having a future with her?”

  “Of course I am. I love—” I stop before I say it again. “Fuck.”

  “Yeah.” Shelby sinks back in the couch. “Exactly what I said.”

  I sigh. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s not a bad thing. I just wasn’t expecting it. It’s all happening so fast and I’m not ready for it.”

  “Well, you better get your ass ready and figure out what the hell you’re going to do because you’re going to be in deep shit if they find out about her.”

  “I don’t need a lecture. I’m quite aware of the consequences.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  She jumps up from the couch. “I do. I’m not letting her do this. I don’t care if you two are in love. Love can be broken. She can find someone else. I’m not letting her get wrapped up in the world of Pearce Kensington and your asshole friends and psycho father.”

  I stand up. “How do you know my father?”

  “Like you didn’t know your dad uses the service? You think he doesn’t cheat on your mom? Seriously?”

  “Of course I know he cheats on her. And I know he uses the service. I just didn’t know you’d been with him.” I feel sick knowing my father and I shared the same woman. She’s young enough to be his daughter. What the hell is wrong with him? “Why did you say he was psycho?”

  “Because he’s into all that kinky shit, like—”

  “That’s enough. I don’t need to hear it.”

  “It was after I was with you, if that makes you feel any better.”

  “He wasn’t the one who…” I point to her wrists.

  “Tied me up and held me hostage?” she says, nonchalantly, like she’s separated all emotion from that incident. It’s what girls like her do in order to be able to keep doing what they’re doing.

  “Did he do that or not? Tell me the truth.”

  She shakes her head. “No. It was someone else. Your dad doesn’t have time to have sex all day. And he’s old. I don’t think he could do it that many times in a day.”

  “Okay, stop.” I put my hand up. “Don’t talk about it.”

  She walks away from me toward the window. “Going back to Rachel, I’ve already told her you’re lying to her and I’m going to keep telling her until she believes me. I know it’ll hurt her to find out about you but it’s for her own good. The sooner she gets away from you, the sooner she can—”

  “No.” I meet Shelby by the window. “Don’t do it. I promise you, I will keep her safe.”

 
; “You and I both know you can’t promise that. If they find out about her, they’ll hurt her.”

  “They won’t. I’ll protect her. I won’t let anyone near her.”

  “You’re not thinking straight, Pearce. Your judgment’s clouded by Rachel and the feelings you have for her. That’s why I need to intervene before the two of you take this any farther.”

  I hold her shoulders. “You will do no such thing. You understand? Stay out of it.”

  She glances at my hand on her shoulder. “Are you threatening me?”

  “No.” I step back, taking my hands off her. “But I’d like to propose a deal.”

  She eyes me suspiciously. “What kind of deal?”

  “Your father. What does he need? How much money do you need for his medicine?”

  Her face softens a bit. “It doesn’t matter. The medicine isn’t helping so he isn’t even taking it anymore.”

  “Then what does he need? I’ll do whatever I can.”

  “He’s dying. There’s nothing you can do.”

  “How much time does he have left?’

  Her eyes are tearing up, but she takes a deep breath, fighting the urge to cry. “A few months, maybe. The doctors don’t know for sure.”

  “There must be something I can do.”

  She shakes her head, wiping her eyes. “Your money won’t help. He’s at the point where he’s just waiting to die.” She’s crying now, her head down so I can’t see her face. “I just wish he didn’t have to suffer. He’s in so much pain. And the doctors can’t seem to help him. They’ve tried everything.”

  I place my hand on her shoulder, gently this time. “Shelby. Listen to me. I will get him help. I will at least ease his suffering until the end.”

  “You can’t,” she says, sniffling.

  “Yes, I can. I know people. People who could help him.”

  She lifts her head to look at me. “What do you mean?’

  “I know a man. A doctor. He’s young, but very good. He’s extremely smart. He believes in challenging conventional medicine and is working to create new treatments and drugs for conditions that haven’t responded to traditional medicine. He can’t cure cancer but I’m almost certain he could give your father something for the pain.”

  “Who is this guy? And how do you know him?”

  “His name is Dr. Logan Cunningham. I met him when I was going to Harvard. He was in medical school at the time. We were friends. From the first time I met him, I was impressed by his brilliance. When he graduated, he went to Europe to train under some very innovative doctors who are also looking for new and better treatments.”

  “So he lives in Europe?”

  “No. He recently moved back to the states. He’s living in Boston. I haven’t talked to him since last summer but I know he’d be willing to help your father. And I would cover any costs that are incurred.”

  “Is this Cunningham guy one of you? I mean, is he part of—”

  “No, he’s not a member. He doesn’t even know it exists.”

  “And you really think he could help?”

  “Yes, but the treatment won’t be something that’s FDA approved. His treatments are ones he’s either developed himself or with the other doctors in this group he’s been working with. The general public doesn’t have access to them.”

  “So they’re dangerous?”

  “All drugs can be dangerous. Even ones that have been approved. They all have side effects. So yes, your father would be taking a risk, but at this point, he might be willing to try anything.”

  She nods. “Yeah, he would. My mom and I would too. We’re desperate to help him.”

  “Then let me do this for you. Let your father know that a doctor will be coming to see him. I’ll contact Logan and let you know when he’ll be there.”

  “I want to be there too. I want to meet him before he does anything to my dad.”

  “That’s fine. But I assure you, you have nothing to worry about. And I’m almost certain that Logan will be able to help. Now, will you help me by not turning Rachel against me?”

  She sighs. “Okay, but you have to promise me she won’t get hurt.”

  The front door opens and Shelby and I turn to see Rachel walking in. “Hey. Sorry I’m late.”

  “It’s no problem,” I say. “Shelby let me in and we’ve just been talking.”

  Rachel hangs her coat on the rack and comes over to me. “What did you talk about?”

  Shelby answers. “Pearce is going to have one of his doctor friends see if he can help my dad.”

  “Really?” Rachel smiles at me as I put my arm around her. “Who is it?”

  “A man I met when I was going to Harvard.”

  “He might be able to help my dad with his pain,” Shelby says. “And Pearce offered to pay for any expenses.”

  Rachel reaches up and kisses me. “That’s so nice of you.”

  “Yeah, it is,” Shelby says. She’s really selling me here. I didn’t expect her to do that. I just wanted her to leave Rachel and me alone. But I’ll take the support. It’s far better than the alternative. “Well, I should be going. Your dinner’s getting cold.”

  “Why you don’t stay?” Rachel asks her. She looks at me. “Did you get enough food?”

  “Yes, there’s plenty. You’re welcome to join us, Shelby.”

  “No thanks. I already ate and I have things to do.”

  “Okay.” Rachel walks Shelby to the door. I hear her quietly talking to her, “Thanks for letting him in…and being nice to him.”

  I walk to the kitchen as she shuts the door. “So are you ready for dinner?”

  She runs up to me. “I have to kiss you first. I missed you.”

  My chest warms hearing her say it. It’s nice to be missed. Nobody ever misses me. Nobody cares enough to. Nobody but Rachel.

  “I missed you too.” I kiss her and keep kissing her because it’s never enough. We make our way to the bedroom, and by the time we’re done, I’m sure our dinner is ice cold.

  “I need to go out and get us some dinner,” I say. Her naked body is wrapped in mine and we’re both still catching our breath.

  “We’ll just reheat what you brought over. It smells really good.”

  “I didn’t know what you wanted so I bought half the items on the menu.”

  She laughs. “You could’ve just asked me. But for the record, I like most anything. I’m not a picky eater.”

  She rests her head on my chest as I stroke her hair. She has the softest hair and it always smells flowery.

  “Did you have a good day?” she asks.

  “The beginning and end were excellent. The middle was just was okay.” It’s true. The best parts of my day are when I’m with Rachel. “Did you consider my offer?”

  “To move in with you?” She rubs her hand over my chest.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m still considering it.”

  “Is there anything I could do to sway your decision?”

  She looks up at me. “I want to. I’m just confused.”

  I sit up slightly, leaning against the wall since she doesn’t have a headboard. “What are you confused about?”

  “Us.”

  “What about us?”

  “I don’t know what this is….this relationship of ours. I don’t know how serious we are, or where this is going. But I do know that I have all these feelings for you and it scares me and excites me all at once.”

  “Why does it scare you?”

  “Because I keep thinking it’s too soon to feel this way. Like maybe I’m reading it wrong or that the feelings aren’t real.”

  “Do they feel real?”

  “Yes, which is why it’s so confusing.”

  “Rachel.” I cup my hand around her face, looking into her eyes. “I feel the same way. I’ve never felt this way about anyone but you, and part of me doesn’t understand it. But it doesn’t change how I feel. It doesn’t change the fact that I—”

  She sits up a little. “That
you what?”

  My hand remains on her face, my eyes locked on hers. “That I love you. I love you, Rachel.”

  She looks surprised, but she’s smiling. “I love you too. But I thought it was just me. I didn’t know you felt the same way.”

  “It’s not just you.”

  She climbs on top of me and hugs me, her warm skin covering mine, her soft hair falling over my shoulder. I hold her against me and kiss the top of her head.

  “I love you,” I tell her again.

  It’s another first for me. Saying I love you. I’ve never said those words to anyone.

  “I love you too,” she says.

  And there’s another first. Nobody has ever told me that. Not even my parents.

  “That’s the first time someone’s said that to me.” Did I just say that out loud? Shit.

  She sits up. “Really?”

  I clear my throat. “Yes.”

  “Not even your parents?”

  “We don’t say things like that in my family.”

  Sadness comes over her face. “They should have said that to you. A long time ago. But since they didn’t, I’m saying it now. I love you, Pearce. And I mean it with all my heart. It doesn’t make sense and it confuses me and makes me want to doubt it. But it’s how I feel and I can’t change it and I don’t want to.”

  “Then don’t. Don’t doubt it. Don’t change it. Just let it be. Just love me, and let me love you.”

  I bring her back into me, our bodies pressed together, my arms wrapped around her.

  This is it. This is one of those moments when you can’t imagine things getting any better. When everything seems perfect and right and almost too good to be true. I never thought I’d have such a moment, but here it is.

  I’m with the woman I love. I truly, deeply, with all my heart, love Rachel. And even better, she loves me back.

  It couldn’t get more perfect than this.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  23

  RACHEL

  I just told Pearce that I love him. I knew I did but I was too scared to admit it to myself, so I was definitely too scared to say it out loud to him. But then he said it to me, so I said it back. It felt good to finally tell him how I feel and to hear he felt the same way.