Memory's Edge: Part One

by Gladden, DelSheree

  “Gretchen, I don’t stay here because I need you,” he said. She opened her mouth to argue but he kissed her lips and stole her words away. “Even with a broken arm and leg I could have taken care of myself after those first couple weeks. It may not have been easy, but I could have done it.

  “I stay here with you because I love you and want to be with you. I can’t tell you about my past or our future, but I want you to know that I am here with you because I want to be. There is no other reason for me to be with you except that I want to spend my life with you.”

  John wanted to propose to her right there, in clothes he had slept in, without having brushed his teeth or hair, and with no ring to give her, but he didn’t. What he said had almost been a proposal. Wanting to spend his life with her was what marriage was, but he held back. John needed Gretchen to be sure all he wanted from her was her love before he asked her for anything more. John cradled her in his arms and let her think.

  As he did, John’s thoughts drifted back to Gretchen’s original question, which he had at first misinterpreted. He didn’t really worry about the answer to the question she’d asked, only the one he thought she had been asking him. Despite holding back his proposal, John now knew exactly what he wanted to spend his money on.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Backing Off

  Monday morning dawned the first real day of summer vacation for Gretchen. She’d had the weekend off, of course, but she always had weekends off. Monday, though, that was the beginning. She was glad to see it come.

  Her first year of teaching hadn’t been nearly as bad as she’d expected. There had been some rowdy and delinquent students, some obnoxious parents, and an unexpected social hierarchy of teachers to muddle her way through, but overall, it hadn’t been that bad. Actually, Gretchen thought without everything that had happened outside of school, she might have looked back and thought the school year had been a breeze.

  Gretchen had hoped to spend her first day of summer of exploring the canyon with John, but his call yesterday to his newest clients had pulled him away from her. With only two weeks to prepare, the Bernstadts wanted to get started right away. Gretchen missed John, but she was proud of him, too.

  Wondering about what he had said the day before, about not needing her, had kept Gretchen up most of the night. She knew after his pain subsided he could go out, casts and all, and find a low-stress job he could do well. The casts wouldn’t have made it impossible for him to care for himself either. She hadn’t pressured him, because she wanted him to stay. She wanted him to need her.

  If John needed her she could delude herself into believing he was only in her home so she could help him, not because she was falling in love with him. Now they had both admitted their love, but Gretchen still found it hard to let go of that desire to see him as helpless. She was afraid he would go out in the world and see there were other options. Steve had cast her aside so easily, leaving Gretchen to believe she wasn't worth his time.

  That didn’t have to mean every man would look at her the same way. When she looked into John’s eyes, she saw a love in him Steve had never shown. It was hard to believe, not that he didn’t mean it, but that she deserved it. There seemed to be no way for Gretchen to see herself as John did, so she would just have to trust him and believe she was worth more to him than she had ever been to Steve.

  So Gretchen was left sitting at the kitchen table, finishing the omelet John had made for her, trying to trust in him and decide what to do for the next hour until he got back.

  Being summer break, Gretchen was itching to get outside. It was weeks ago that her mom had pulled her out to the front yard to talk about the two men in her life, using the flowers as an excuse. Gretchen couldn’t remember what her mom had called the flowers, but she did remember looking at them and thinking that they did, in fact, look a little sad.

  Gretchen had done absolutely nothing to put her own personal stamp on the yard as she had in the house. Like John had as well. Gretchen smiled as she noticed how many things had changed. The kitchen, of course, was his domain now, but also the way the mail got stacked on the edge of the counter, under the key hooks, instead of on the table where Gretchen had always tossed it before. She had never before worried about taking her shoes off in the house, but John automatically slipped his off by the door and she found herself doing the same thing.

  Yes, the inside of the house looked very different from the day she’d moved in, but the outside was as bland as ever. Dropping her dishes in the sink, Gretchen had the burning desire to change that. She wanted this to be their home, inside and out. She didn’t own a single tool related to gardening, but she could at least start making plans. Maybe she and John could go to the hardware store when he got back.

  Heading out into the already warm morning, Gretchen took stock of their unimaginative front yard. For the most part, it was grass. It ran from the edge of the sidewalk to the sad little flower beds up against the house. There were no bushes or trees or interesting designs. Just grass and wilted flowers. Anything they did to the yard would be an improvement.

  “Is there a reason you’re standing here glaring at your flowers?”

  Gretchen spun around and smiled. “Hey, Carl, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at work today?”

  He looked over at the flowers, seeming nervous, which was odd coming from him. Gretchen hadn’t really talked to him since the party. He seemed to be avoiding her. The most she had seen of him was the day her parents left and he waved at her from his yard. Maybe that should have been fine with Gretchen now that John was in her life, but it wasn’t.

  “Yeah, I should be, but I left some tools at the house and had to come back to get them.” Glancing at his work truck, he sighed. “I should probably get back.”

  He turned, but Gretchen put her hand on his arm, stopping him immediately. “Wait, Carl, could we talk for a minute? If you’re not in too big of a hurry, that is. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

  Looking up at her, Gretchen saw his usual daring smile start to creep onto his lips, but it seemed muted now. “No, we can talk.”

  Good. But what did she say? Gretchen wanted John. She loved him. She didn’t want to give up Carl, though. He was the only thing that kept her from falling apart when she moved out there, still hurt and angry because of Steve and completely overwhelmed with her new job. She couldn’t push him out of her life because she was dating someone. He didn’t deserve that.

  So Gretchen said what she felt, and hoped it was the right thing.

  “I’ve missed you over the last couple weeks.”

  Carl’s smile brightened a little before sobering. “I wouldn’t think you’d even have time to miss me, what with everything you’ve got going on right now. Not with John around.”

  “I’m sorry, Carl. I haven’t been a very good friend lately,” she said. “I’ve let myself get too caught up in the craziness. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  “You didn’t,” Carl said quickly. “I understand. You’ve been busy with John.” He sighed and faced Gretchen, hands slipping into his pockets. She knew that gesture. He wanted to be serious now. This was the reason he’d come over to talk to her. “Look, Gretchen, I get that you and John are dating now. I still don’t think you’re making the right decision here, but at the party…it’s obvious John really cares about you. I’m not going to bug you about it anymore. I think John will end up hurting you, but if you want to risk that, it really isn’t any of my business. I’ll back off.”

  Hands coming out of his pockets, they crossed in front of his chest instead. Carl was done talking. He’d said what he needed to say. Now it was Gretchen’s turn.

  “Is that why you haven’t been talking to me the last couple weeks?” Gretchen’s indignant tone took Carl by surprise. “You’re backing off? Does that mean just because you don’t agree with what I’m doing you won’t be my friend anymore?”

  Carl’s mouth popped open a little. He seemed too caught off
guard to respond. After shaking his head, he gathered his thoughts and said, “Gretchen, that’s not fair.”

  “It’s not fair to me, Carl. You’re my friend, my best friend,” she said. “What makes you think that just because I’m dating someone I don’t want you around anymore? Can’t I have a boyfriend and a friend?”

  “I don’t think you understand what you’re asking of me, Gretchen. It’s not that easy,” Carl said.

  Gretchen felt her chin quiver and had to clench her jaw to keep it still. When she was sure it had stopped, she said, “Please don’t just abandon me, Carl. I need you.”

  Carl’s face fell. Grabbing her shoulders, he pulled her against his chest and wrapped his arms around her. “I don’t know if I can do this, Gretchen. I don’t know if I can only be your friend. I have never wanted to be your buddy. I’ve always wanted more.” His hand stroked her hair lovingly. “It’s hard to see you with him, knowing how much he loves you, and still be around you. I knew when I first met you that you’d been through something rough, so I was patient. I was happy being your friend because I honestly thought you’d eventually come around and let me take you out. It’s different now.”

  But didn’t he think John would break her heart? Gretchen almost asked him, but she held her tongue. He was right. She shouldn’t ask him to still be her friend, not when she knew he harbored hopes of there being more between them. Gretchen loved John very much, but part of her still believed he would one day leave her. She didn’t want to lose Carl as a friend for the same reason she couldn’t date him, he meant too much to her. As a friend, or more than a friend, Gretchen wanted Carl in her life. Was that wrong? Maybe she was asking too much of him. But still, she couldn’t stop herself from asking.

  “Can you try?”

  “Gretchen…” Carl whispered as he held her. There was frustration in his voice, but there was longing too. He said it was too hard for him to be her friend, but Gretchen had a feeling that, just like her, it was even harder not to be. “Of course I can try,” he said.

  They stood there, on the boring grass in Gretchen’s front yard for a few seconds longer before Carl admitted he did need to get back to work and Gretchen forced her attention back to the problem of what to do with the yard. Carl walked to his truck, stepping a little lighter than he had before, and Gretchen felt herself smile. Maybe she was one the most selfish people in the world, but she was glad she hadn’t lost him.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Innocence

  John rode home on the bicycle Gretchen had helped him pick out after his casts came off, glad the Bernstadts hadn’t lived very far away. Gretchen had offered to drive him, but John wanted to go on his own. A mile and a half sounded far, but on the bike he had managed it pretty easily. Feeling good about the menu they planned, John rounded the corner and slowed as he came up to the house. He stopped short and stared.

  What on earth is Carl doing hugging Gretchen? he wondered. And why is she letting him do it?

  John couldn’t move. He just sat there on his bike watching them hold each other. Waiting under the hanging branches of their neighbor’s willow tree, neither of them noticed him. He waited for what seemed like an hour before they finally pulled apart and Carl headed to his truck. What was he even doing home? He worked on Mondays. He and his mud covered truck should have been out checking pipes, or whatever it was he did all day, not there hitting on John’s girlfriend.

  Gripping the bike handles so tightly his knuckles were left white, John tried very hard to understand what was going on. Did Gretchen tell Carl that John would be gone that morning? Was she trying to talk to him without John around for some reason? He supposed it could have just been happenstance Carl was home the one time he was gone and Gretchen was still at the house. The way he held her, the way his hand ran down her hair, John knew what that was.

  John knew, because he felt it too. When Gretchen was in his arms, he got weak and wanted nothing else but touch her, smell her, to drink her in. He saw that same look in Carl’s eyes. He wasn’t just a guy who thought Gretchen was hot and enjoyed flirting with her like she thought. He was in love with her.

  Clara had been right. Someone was going to try to steal Gretchen away from him. Forcing his hands to relax, John watched Gretchen squat in front of her flower bed. She looked as if she were thinking. It was weird to John how she could act so natural after what he’d just seen. Carl’s truck drove away and John rode up to the house.

  Gretchen glanced up with a smile when she heard him, but the scowl on John’s face stopped her from saying whatever it was she’d been about to say.

  “We need to talk. Inside,” John said. Pushing through the door, he left her standing there, mouth open, confusion showing in her eyes. Good. She was confused. It put them on equal ground.

  “John, what’s wrong? Did your meeting not go very well?” she asked.

  “What were you doing hugging Carl in the front yard?” he exploded.

  Eyes widening, it took Gretchen a moment to respond. “Excuse me?” she asked, her temper growing by the second, if her clenched jaw was any indication.

  What did she have to be mad about? John wasn’t the one hugging someone out in the front yard where the whole neighborhood could see.

  “What were you doing with him?” John asked.

  “I was talking to him, as a matter of fact. He’s my friend and he needed to talk to me about something. I can talk to him if I want, John,” Gretchen said. Narrowed eyes glared at him as she spoke. That only made him even madder. She was actually defending herself?

  “Since when does talking involve some other guy with his arms around you, stroking your hair? That wasn't a hug between friends. That was something else,” John said. It was. There was more between Carl and Gretchen than simple friendship. She told him herself that Carl liked her, and he made it obvious every time he looked at her, but what John didn’t get was what Gretchen felt for him. She refused to date him, but she still felt…something.

  “So, are you some kind of expert on what is and isn’t acceptable between friends? You have no right to say I can’t hug Carl. He’s been my friend for a long time,” Gretchen said. “You have no idea how much he helped me when I first moved here. He’s a very good friend to me.”

  “Carl is not your boyfriend. I am. What more do I need to understand? I get to hold you and touch your hair, not Carl. I don’t need a lifetime of relationships to know that, Gretchen.” Her entire face turned into a flame of anger. Her hands were balled into fists, and John found that his were too. Why was she arguing with him? She had to know he was right.

  “I don’t belong to you, John. You don’t own me,” she said.

  Throwing up his hands, John turned away for a second. “I’m not trying to say I own you, Gretchen, but you know that,” he said pointing toward the front yard, “isn’t appropriate. Why are you egging him on?”

  “Egging him on? What are you talking about?” she demanded.

  “He’s in love with you, Gretchen! Can’t you see that?” John asked.

  Gretchen at least had the decency to look shocked. John needed to see that. It impacted him significantly to realize she really didn’t understand the depth of Carl’s feelings for her. How she didn’t see what John saw when Carl looked at her, he didn’t understand, but he felt relief at her innocence.

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “Gretchen, you’re the one who told me he liked you.”

  “Yeah, but…it’s just a crush. He wanted more, but he knew it wasn’t going to happen. He just…he wants me to change my mind.”

  “No, it’s not, Gretchen.” Feeling much of his anger falling away, John took her hand. “Maybe you don’t see how he looks at you, because he only does it when you aren’t looking, but he sees you like I do. I recognize it.”

  She shook her head, but her expression was thoughtful. “He’s my friend,” she whispered. Maybe she was trying to convince John he was wrong, maybe she was saying it only to herself. John
was still angry at the image of Carl embracing his girlfriend, but he was angry at the idea of losing her, no longer angry at Gretchen herself. Carl, however, was another story. Him John was still angry at.

  “Please, can you just stay away from Carl?” John asked.

  Gretchen’s shock ran out.

  Snapping her hand out of John’s, she stared back at him, defiant. “No.”

  “What?” Was she serious?

  “He’s my friend, John. I can’t just throw him away.”

  “Carl doesn’t want to just be your friend, Gretchen. He wants a lot more than that. It’s not fair to keep letting him hope. It’s not fair to me, either. I don’t like seeing you with him,” John said.

  “I won’t stop being his friend,” Gretchen said. “My first couple months here were really hard. I didn’t know anyone and I was still an emotional wreck. Carl was the first person to make me feel at home. He helped me in so many ways. I won’t turn my back on him.”

  “Damn it, Gretchen! That’s exactly why I don’t want you to be around him. Don’t you understand that? It’s one thing to go out with Desi, but I don’t like the idea of you hanging out with Carl,” he said. “He’s just waiting for me to leave. He wants us to fail so he can have you for himself. He’ll try to break us up if you let him.”

  Gretchen shook her head. “You don’t know Carl. Even if he was in love with me, which he’s not, he wouldn’t do that. Maybe he would hope for it, but he would never try to break us up.”

  “How do you know that?” John demanded.

  “Because he knows how much that would hurt me, and Carl would never hurt me,” she said with complete conviction.

  John didn’t know what to say to that. She didn’t believe him. Why wouldn’t Carl be in love with her? John was. Every man who met Gretchen should fall in love with her. She was amazing. Gretchen didn’t see that.

  In her eyes, Carl was a devoted friend who wished things might have been different between them. She didn’t see the torture in his eyes when he looked at her, knowing she wasn’t his. The way he touched her was so careful, Gretchen didn’t understand how hard he was trying to control himself.