The Snow White Christmas Cookie

by David Handler

  “It’s not.”

  “Damned right it’s not. Debbie’s husband left her for a younger woman last summer, okay? And she called me out of the blue. I hadn’t heard from her in ten, twelve years. Debbie was the first girl I was ever with. We were each other’s first. And she was feeling kind of sad and sentimental, so I met her for lunch in Mystic. She’s way out of my league now. All frosted and polished. Designer clothes, fancy perfume. She sure smells good. You know what Tina smells like? Tina smells like Windex. Anyhow, we ended up taking a room at the Mohegan Sun—strictly for old times’ sake. It was just that one time, I swear. That one time and then another time two weeks later. But I’m not carrying on some kind of love affair with her. Us being together, it was just something Debbie needed. And I was happy to help her out. I mean, she and Tina are the only two women I’ve ever been with in my whole life. First Debbie, then Tina. There are still folks in Dorset who think Debbie was my true love and that I only married Tina because I knocked her up. That’s bull. Tina and me have had a lot of good years together.”

  “And how are things between you right now?”

  Lem narrowed his gaze at her. “Why are you asking?”

  “You seem a bit snappish with each other.”

  “We’ve hit a rough patch,” he acknowledged. “It happens. Hell, we’ve been together almost twenty years. And I still love that little peanut, too. Trouble is that she doesn’t feel the same way about me. She used to call me her big poppa bear. Now I come home from work and she’s on me, yap-yap-yap. Telling me I ought to lose weight, shave off my beard, grow my business, yap-yap-yap. She’s just not happy anymore. I don’t know why. Maybe her mom does. Tina’s on that damned phone with her day and night.” He glanced up at the doorway as Tina returned now. “I need a smoke,” he said abruptly. “Do you mind?”

  “Go right ahead,” Des responded.

  He got up and lumbered out of the lounge, digging a rumpled pack of Camels out of the pocket of his coveralls.

  Tina sat back down and set her phone on the table in front of her, gazing down at its screen every few seconds. She couldn’t keep her eyes off of it. “I guess you want to talk about Kylie.”

  “That would be great.”

  “I wish I could get through to her,” Tina said with a shake of her frizzy head. “All she thinks about are clothes and boys. I keep telling her, sweetie, you have got to figure out who you want to be. Otherwise you’ll end up like me—cleaning other people’s toilets for a living. Mind you, I make as much in a week as a lot of my customers do. And I could tell you some things that nobody else knows. Trust me, if you really want to find out what’s going on, ask a cleaning lady. But this isn’t the life I wanted for myself. I wanted to be a nurse. I want Kylie to be a nurse. Now I don’t know if that’ll even be possible with her ankle all busted up like that. A nurse has to be on her feet all day.” Tina looked at Des curiously. “What did you and Lem talk about?”

  “He told me that you two have hit a rough patch.”

  Tina bristled, her nostrils flaring. “If by that he means he’s mixed up again with that fancy tramp, Debbie, then I guess we have.”

  “He said he isn’t mixed up with her.”

  “And you believed him? He’s a man. Men lie.”

  “Are you seeing someone else, too?”

  “What gives you the right to ask me that?”

  “I’m trying to assess the stability of Kylie’s home life for my report. My general impressions can be a determining factor in whether the district prosecutor decides to prosecute her case. But if you don’t want to talk to me…”

  “No, no, I’ll talk to you.” Tina shot a furtive glance over her shoulder at the door. Lem was still outside having a smoke. “Yes, I do have a male friend. He’s sensitive and caring. He respects me. He loves me. Lem doesn’t anymore.”

  “Want to tell me a little bit about him?”

  “His name’s Matt. He works for Verizon. He’s married to someone else, too. A woman who doesn’t love him or understand him. Matt is here for me emotionally. He listens to me. And he’s incredibly affectionate. I don’t just mean the physical part. Although that’s been amazing. I swear, every time I think about him my heart starts beating so fast. Me and Lem haven’t exactly been burning up the sheets lately. And even back when we were he never took my needs into consideration. Matt does. He’s so romantic and nurturing.”

  “Where did you two meet?”

  “On a dating site. It was like he was my best friend instantly. Right away, I was telling him things that I’ve never told anyone. And so was he. It was totally amazing. He’s…” Tina hesitated, reddening. “Matt’s my soul mate. I’ve never been this close with anyone in my whole life. We must text back and forth a hundred times a day. Lem thinks I’m texting my mom. I’m not. It’s Matt. It’s always Matt.”

  “Where does he live?”

  “Just outside of Tacoma.”

  “Tacoma, Washington? How often are you able to be together?”

  “We’re together constantly.”

  “I mean in the flesh, Tina.”

  “We haven’t been together that way yet. But real soon, we’re hoping.”

  “Are you telling me you’re in love with a man who you’ve never met?”

  Tina sighed at her impatiently. “Matt and I have an intense bond.”

  “Meaning, what, you sext back and forth a lot?”

  “You’re making it sound smutty. It’s not like that. What we have is romantic and intimate and so hot. I’ve done things with Matt that I’ve never done with Lem. He’s just so loving and tender. Know what he said to me just now while I was out in the hall?”

  “Really can’t imagine.”

  “He said ‘Every time I’m inside of you I feel like I’m where I was meant to be all along.’ Lem’s never felt that way about me. Not even when we were a couple of sex-crazed teenagers. And now he doesn’t even want me. He wants Debbie, who’s not even that good-looking anymore. Which Matt is, by the way. He’s tall and slim with good shoulders and strong hands. He has the most amazing blue eyes.”

  “And you know this how?”

  “He sends me pictures of himself.”

  “Nude pictures?”

  Tina reddened again, nodding. “And I send him pictures of me. I take them in the bathroom mirror with my phone.”

  “You’re not worried that he might show them to someone else?”

  “Matt would never do that to me. Our relationship is built on trust.”

  “And what about Lem? Aren’t you afraid he might find a nude photo of Matt on your computer?”

  “Lem doesn’t want me anymore, I told you.”

  “That’s right, you did,” Des said with a twinge of profound sadness. Not because what Tina Champlain was telling her was shocking, but because it wasn’t. The Champlains were just a typical modern Dorset family. None of them were participating in their own lives. Instead of working toward a genuine career, Kylie wanted to be a reality TV star. Tina was more emotionally and sexually involved with her cell phone than with her husband. And Lem was reliving his glory days with his first girlfriend while Champlain Landscaping seemed to be circling the drain. Kylie had stolen a pair of four-hundred-dollar Ugg boots to keep her dream alive. Tina was sending and receiving pornographic text messages and photographs. What was Lem resorting to? Was he siphoning off money from his own business to pay for those trysts with Debbie at the Mohegan Sun? Was he stealing prescription meds, gift cards and Hank Merrill’s Christmas tips? “Tina, this is the part where I have to tell you something you won’t want to hear.”

  Tina frowned at her. “About Kylie?”

  “About Matt. You have no idea who he really is, okay? Matt could be some sleaze in Croatia who’s peddling those pictures of you on a porn site. Matt could be the online identity of a half-dozen horny sophomores in a frat house somewhere. Matt could be a predator who’s looking to steal your identity or nuke your credit.”

  Tina’s eyes hardened.
“Why would you say something horrible like that?”

  “Because it’s my job to look out for you. I’ve seen what can happen. I’ve seen an innocent blond schoolgirl who thought she was meeting up at West Farms Mall with this nice high school boy she’d met on Facebook. There was no nice high school boy. She was abducted and gang raped by a wolf pack for forty-eight hours straight before they left her for dead.”

  “Des, I’m not fourteen years old. I know what I’m doing. But I get where you’re coming from.”

  “Do you?”

  “Absolutely. You think I’m stupid.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Yeah, you do,” Tina said angrily. “So stupid that I can’t even tell what’s real. What I have with Matt is real. The way we make each other feel is real. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years and don’t you tell me otherwise. My daughter may never walk normal again. And she may go to jail. How dare you show up here and crap all over the one good thing I have going on in my life? Who in the hell do you think you are?”

  CHAPTER 8

  “I NEED A SECOND opinion here, doughboy. Is Tina just playing harmless X-rated cyber-games or is she cheating on her husband?”

  “It’s no game. She’s totally cheating on Lem.”

  “Even though she and Matt have never actually bumped skin?”

  “Tina’s emotionally and sexually involved with the guy. That means she’s having an affair with him.”

  They were snuggled together on the love seat in front of a roaring fire, sipping Chianti and enjoying the aroma of Mitch’s meat loaf with pancetta and onions as it baked in the oven. He still had to mash the potatoes and sautée the chard. But he was in no hurry. He could sit here like this all night with Des, who had changed out of her uniform into the gray four-ply cashmere robe that he’d bought for her in Paris on his way home from the Cannes Film Festival. Clemmie and Quirt were nestled together in an easy chair. Des’s yellow string bikini was back up on the Chanukah bush where it belonged. Outside, the snow had turned to frozen rain. He could hear it tapping on the roof and windows. On the stereo was Everybody Knows This is Nowhere, a highly addictive vintage album from Neil Young’s Crazy Horse days.

  “But, Mitch, it’s not real.”

  “Beg to differ, little lady. How she feels about Matt is real. Her sexual responses are real. Therefore, the betrayal is real. We’re living in a not-so brave new world now. The line between real and virtual has gotten really blurred. There are a lot of lonely, unhappy people out there. Many of them are married people who are desperate to become someone, anyone, else. Dating sites allow them to create a whole new identity. They meet new people, get involved, get laid. They even fall in love.”

  “That’s not real love. And it’s for damned sure not my idea of real sex.” Des sipped her wine, staring into the fire. “Sometimes I get the feeling that things have stopped making sense.”

  “You’re not alone. I get that feeling a lot.”

  “Does it scare you?”

  “It can. But then I hug you and I’m not scared anymore.”

  She leaned over and kissed him softly. “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that. I get all gooey inside and then I’m no good for anything.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” He stroked her face, studying her with concern. “You look whipped.”

  “Only because I am. After I visited the Champlains I had to log face time with my troop commander in Westbrook. Explain to him up, down and sideways why I didn’t just put out a BOLO on Kylie and let her go.”

  “Are you going to get in trouble over this?”

  “I don’t think so. I didn’t provoke the chase. And I tried to talk her out of her car. I’ve got witnesses who’ll corroborate that. But I had to file a detailed incident report. And it’ll definitely be reviewed by Internal Affairs.”

  “Sounds to me like we’d better watch Palm Beach Story after dinner.”

  “Again? I’ve already watched that damned movie three times.”

  “Is that all? Then we definitely need to see it. That sequence when Claudette Colbert escapes on the train with the Ale and Quail Club has to be the funniest ten minutes Preston Sturges ever filmed. Pure gold.” He got up and put another log on the fire. “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

  She raised an eyebrow at him. “Is that right?”

  “You could have gotten mixed up with a critic who’s a Danny Kaye fan. Then you’d be sorry. He’d make you sit through The Man From the Diner’s Club over and over and over again. No two ways about it—you dodged a bullet when you met me.”

  Des gazed out the bay window at the lights in the windows next door. “How’s Josie holding up?”

  “Amazingly well considering the day she’s had. First Bryce, then Kylie. Plus Casey Zander showed up out here and got creepy on her.”

  “Creepy as in?…”

  “He has a major crush on her. Josie asked him politely to go home. He refused. I had to encourage him. It got a little physical—nothing serious—before he finally left. After the funeral home people carted Bryce’s body away she started right in on her to-do list. She’s incredibly organized and take-charge. I guess it helps to be a professional life coach. When I left her she was already boxing up Bryce’s possessions. She has to call his attorney, Glynis, to find out what to do with them.” Mitch refilled their wineglasses and sat back down. “She and Casey were lucky they weren’t seriously hurt when Kylie slammed into her office. She’ll have a shiner from that ceiling tile whacking her in the eye but it could have been a lot worse.”

  Des pulled in her stomach muscles ever so slightly. So slightly that most people wouldn’t have noticed it. Mitch wasn’t most people.

  He sipped his wine, studying her over his glass. “There’s something you really want to avoid telling me. What is it?”

  She looked at him in amazement. “I can’t hide a thing from you, can I?”

  “Don’t even try.”

  “Look, this is kind of awkward for me. I know that you like Josie.”

  He nodded. “And I know that you don’t.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “You get all stiff-necked whenever she’s around.”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Only to me. What do you want to tell me?”

  “When I dashed into her office I found her having sex on the sofa with Casey. Rough sex. That’s how she got the shiner. Casey hit her in the eye. When I spoke to her about it she insisted that it was strictly a role-playing exercise. Casey has confidence issues with women and she’s been trying to help him out. I asked her point-blank if they’re romantically involved. She told me point-blank that they aren’t.”

  “But you didn’t believe her.”

  “Mitch, I saw what I saw.”

  “She told me she got hit in the eye by a ceiling tile.”

  “Casey’s the one who tangled with the ceiling tile. Josie lied to you.”

  He listened to the frozen rain tapping on the roof, frowning. “I’ve been around a lot of world-class liars. I’m talking about movie producers, agents. She’s a damned good one.”

  “How much has she told you about her background?”

  “Josie isn’t someone who talks about her childhood. All I know is she grew up in Maine and graduated from Bates. She used to live with some guy up in Castine who liked to write sci-fi. After they broke up she moved down here and became a life coach.”

  “She has a Web site. Have you ever checked it out?”

  “No, I haven’t. Why?”

  “Well, for starters her bio doesn’t say she graduated from Bates. It says she studied there. That’s a classic resume padder. If you audit a summer school class somewhere you can say you studied there. Her bio also boasts that she’s a fully accredited professional life coach. Remember how she mentioned that to us this morning?”

  “I remember.”

  “Do you have any idea what it actually means?”

  “Not really.”<
br />
  “It means that Josie completed an online degree program and then became officially certified by the American Life Coach Federation. Which sounds really impressive except, hello, it’s not. The American Life Coach Federation and the online degree program are one and the same entity. The outfit that enrolls you in its degree program—at a cost of around three grand—also serves as its very own certifying agency. Josie hasn’t been accredited by any official agency that’s regulated by the State of Connecticut. She bought her accreditation from a for-profit outfit.”

  “So you think she’s a scam artist?”

  “I think I’m not so sure how qualified she is to be doing what she’s doing. And after walking in on her and Casey getting sweaty, well, I’m not entirely sure what she’s doing.” Des trailed off into uncomfortable silence. “I’m not loving any of this. I know Josie’s your friend, and I’m fine with that.”

  “Really? Because I’m not. I don’t stay friends with people who lie to my face. That’s generally a deal breaker for me.” The rain on the roof sounded quieter now. It had switched from frozen to plain old rain. “Did you get anywhere with our grinch?”

  “I found out that it’s a whole lot bigger than some kids swiping Hank’s Christmas cookies. Prescription meds are disappearing. That’s serious business. I’m kicking it to the postal inspectors tomorrow. It’s their case.”

  “Now that you bring it up something has occurred to me.”

  “Um, okay, you brought it up. And something always occurs to you.” Des gazed at him sternly before she rolled her eyes and said, “What is it?”

  “That the right answer’s often the most obvious one.”

  “You mean that Hank’s been stealing the stuff himself?”

  “Exactly.”

  “That did occur to me,” she conceded. “It would explain why Paulette’s been acting so tense. Maybe she’s been thinking it, too. Last thing in the world she’d want to do is bring down her own boyfriend. But answer me this—why would Hank resort to stealing his own mail?”