The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer

by Jennifer Lynch

  God, I am so high, I can't stop writing like a thousand words a minute. I hope for your sake that this is legible, because, Lord knows, I am in no space to slow down. This is the drug I have been waiting for all of my life! I feel strong, confident, sexy, intelligent, pretty fuckin' cool, I have to say, and not one person last night made mention of my age. I can hold my fuckin' own... I could feel the vibes when we walked in.

  I knew it was going to be one of those, Bobby was right, parties. Fucking crazy stuff going' on in the corner or something. Leo was watching with basically 100 percent concentration, so Bobby and I had to go see.

  Man, there was this chick, lying with her skirt pulled up, and she was bettin' that no one could get her off... and if they did, it was a hundred big ones. She was asking five to give it a shot.

  Now remember, I had been at the party for a fair amount of time, and I was pretty fixed up as far as being sedated and wired simultaneously... I looked around at everyone, and I must have been showing it all across my face, because Bobby pulled me back a bit by the arm, and I said I wanted to try it, if it didn't make him too uncomfortable, and he just looked at me like there was no changing my mind now anyway... so... I don't think he thought I would ever even consider such things...

  I asked if I could speak privately in her ear... before making a decision, and she said she'd love to hear my voice up close... so I leaned in, and I said I'm going to make you feel real good. That hundred bucks is already spent...

  I looked up for a moment, and I asked if she was relaxed. She said she was already getting a strange feeling that I knew what I was doing... I made her move a little on the couch, and I kissed her, just a soft kiss, on her lips .

  Before I had even touched her she wanted me to know her name... I told her I'd call her what she needed to hear. She was beginning to get me pretty hot, which I didn't think would happen... but it helped, because the feelings just worked together... just clicked.

  I opened her and I told her she was pretty, did she know that? She nodded. I told her I couldn't hear what she had said... She said YES! I smiled... "Yes, what?" I said... "I didn't hear you..."

  She took a long breath and she brought her fingers to her mouth, and the guys behind her starting goin' "Yeah." I heard someone in the back drop his glass, and he said, "Shit man, this girl is gettin' her to do it... she's even askin' for it, man..."

  I knew she wanted to say things she wasn't. I made sure she had to ask, yell something... I knew she wanted to hear that... for the men in the room to hear it. I told her everyone was looking at her. I told her they all could feel and taste it with their eyes... some men moved their fingers to let out the heat in their hands. I knew it was happening for her, I just had to keep her safe... she wanted it bad, and I told her she was beautiful. Boom! She was grabbing at me... pulling my hair... calling, "Laura, Laura... God, the way you make me feel...!"

  This big guy was trying to squeeze his way in, and I told him to back off a minute... he was bent out of shape, but then watched how desperately the girl needed just a moment to herself.

  She took me by the hair and she said, "I haven't been able to do that for almost two years d like to see you back here, if I haven't scared you off already."

  It dawned on me that it was an appropriate time to mention that I felt like I was coming down a little, maybe from the sugar kisses... This guy came up to me, and he looked at me, straight in the eye.

  "Little one." He waited. "I just had to come look at you, see your skin and all." He smiled. "I never saw so many guys go from lookin' at her like she was nothing to wishing they were you."

  I told him I was glad he liked it... I didn't mean to break up the party, the way I did... I have a hard time believing I did it... I guess I'm sort of out of my mind... I guess they left because I went a little...

  He laughed and said, "No one's going anywhere except outside on the lawn with a picture of you floatin' through their heads... They'll be back soon as they all empty out."

  The woman finally made it up off the couch and came and kissed my chest, where the dress cut low at the neck...

  She wanted me to know she felt she owed me one if we ever crossed paths again...

  Leo let me know that I made his party, guys will be talking for a while 'bout this... Talk about a weird way to meet people.

  I'm going to have to visit Leo soon and see how many of my thoughts strike him... Maybe he'll do some of those weird things that Bobby warned me about... I'll bet I freaked Bobby out tonight anyway... I can't understand what got into me, but I wanted it... I wanted to try and there it was.

  I don't care how high I am or how high I was... It felt good doing all of it. You can bet I'll do it again.

  Laura

  December 14,1986

  Diary...

  I dreamed about BOB last night. Not a real nice dream at all, a little sick in my opinion because I have so much hatred for the way he spoiled me... made me feel ugly and bad for wanting love or affection... He ruined all of my pride and self-esteem for the longest time... I could only be pretty and sweet, because pretty and sweet was easy... good grades even better. No one wanted me... I wouldn't even let on that I knew what sex was.

  He did ruin me, didn't he? I mean, in the dream he came to the window at Leo's and saw me. It was a nastier scene in the dream than it was last night in reality. He kept showing this image of me again and again.

  And then he was standing by the tree and he said, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO ANY OF THAT IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME.

  I told him he was wrong. I told him I learned all that he saw when I was alone, so that I could do something to make myself feel good and be able to heal the wounds that he made.

  He said, "OH, YEAH, THEN WHY DO YOU WANT LEO TO TIE YOU UP, MAYBE EAT YOU THAT WAY, MAKE YOU A SLAVE... I KNOW YOU WANT IT... JUST THE WAY I TAUGHT YOU, LITTLE BITCH. I SAW YOU WITH THE WAND, PLAYING WITH YOURSELF... YOU WERE THINKING OF BAD BOY LEO, NOT BOBBY LITTLE BOY WHO WEEPS AFTER HE GETS FUCKED BY A LITTLE SLUT LIKE YOU."

  And I woke up. Ashamed. Horrified. Guilty. And I imagined him suddenly, right before me at the edge of my bed.

  YOU FORGOT, LAURA, I KNOW EVERYTHING, SEE EVERYTHING, GO ANYWHERE I WANT... I COULD TELL YOU MORE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ARE SECRETS THAN YOU COULD TELL YOURSELF! YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, DIDN'T YOU, LET ME HAVE A NICE VACATION FROM THAT STENCH OF YOURS... THEN YOU HAD TO CALL ME BACK... RANCID LITTLE BITCH! YOU'RE PRETTY MEAN TO ME SOMETIMES WHEN YOU WRITE, AREN'T YOU! WE'LL HAVE TO FIX THAT. MAKE YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU USED TO. I REMEMBER THAT... SOON YOU WILL TOO?

  And then he disappeared. I need to do something that is right and good, Today!

  Who in the fuck is he and why does he hate me so much?

  I want to die, and to forget everything else. I can't take it anymore! I begin to feel good and then someone makes me feel that I'm dirty. Then someone kisses me just right and I feel wanted and excited all over again.

  I need to know if what I'm doing is right. I can't let BOB be the one who taught me to wish to be tied up sometimes.

  I don't ever want to be hurt. I never have. I only want to play the games where I have to say dirty things sometimes, not mean things like BOB thinks, and if I am punished I am punished with sex, not pain.

  BOB is not who puts these ideas in my head. I won't let him be the one. These are my private thoughts.

  I'm afraid I'll never make it in and out of another sexual experience, ever, without being afraid he will come and tell everyone lies about me.

  If someone who loves me reads this years from now, please try not to hate me. I only feel the way I feel. I don't hurt anyone else, and I don't want to. I try every day to be better and more the way I think the world wants to see a girl like me.

  But I am Laura. I am sad. God, I'm sad again! Why! I miss laughter and a day where time is spent with my friends who don't care what I think of late at night. They don't hate me for sometimes dreaming late at night, with my hand buried between my legs, ashamed, and of how I wish tha
t my other hand would simply pull the trigger.

  BOB, I forbid you to come to me ever again, in dreams or in reality.

  You are not welcome! I hate you.

  I feel so alone, Laura

  January 10, 1987

  Dear Diary,

  I tried to talk to Dad at breakfast and he just sat there twitching, like he doesn't have time for any extra thoughts. Doesn't have time for the fucking suicide dreams his own daughter is having. Neither one of my parents will talk to me... What is this? Some kind of a dream?

  Dad took off all of his clothes and shouted, "It's a dream ... Fucking relax, would you?... So your mother saw photos of you licking the little privates of other women. It appeared in these photos that you were enjoying yourself. Is this true?"

  I've never been more afraid than I am this very minute.

  I didn't even realize I was sleeping when that was written... was I?

  Shit, this is too weird. Just a little too weird.

  Was BOB here? Was BOB inside...

  I won't even think it.

  L

  February 3, 1987

  Dear Diary,

  There is no cocaine. It's gone. I hate the way I feel... so much like I've been in a vacuum, my body has been violated, my thoughts, my dreams, the images I have of Mom and Dad are now awful and depressing pictures I can't stop seeing... Oh, if she ever knew the things that have happened.

  I wonder if anyone would believe me if I told them all I know about him... I could have the police wait for him, until he showed up, but he would know just like he knows everything in my mind. My mind is his toy. Something he bats around, with his paws. I'm just going to have to tell everyone and make them believe. And just tell...

  TELL THEM WHAT, LAURA PALMER? TELL THEM THAT I TAKE YOU AWAY AND YOU NEVER ARGUE? YOU NEVER SCREAM FOR HELP? TELL THEM YOU SEE ME BUT NO ONE ELSE DOES? NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU, LAURA PALMER... I'M TOO CAREFUL.

  Dear God... it's happened again.... He's stepped onto the page... This is not at all what I was trying to write! It frightens me terribly to know that BOB found his way into the pages of my diary as if he were feeding the words to my mind, just seconds in time for me to think that they are my own.

  Is there something I can get for you, BOB... anything the family might own that you would take in trade for your permanent absence?

  Talk to me BOB... about a trade... trade me for something else.

  I AGREE. I'LL TRADE.

  Who will it be?

  CAN'T TELL WITH THESE THINGS... I MAY CHANGE MY MIND.

  ... I thought so.

  L

  April 2, 1987

  Diary,

  I need coke, bad, or I'll never make it.

  I gotta reach Bobby. Where the fuck is he when I need him! This is just great. I'm here, Laura Palmer, honor student, model citizen of Twin Peaks... and I've got a habit I've only just begun.

  I'm not ready for this job... I'm still afraid BOB's waiting.

  If he's in the woods he'll get me now, 'cause fuck if I don't plan on having a big fat line of confidence up my nose in about half an hour. A big white line that calls my name the way a lover should. I wish BOB would trade. If he does I'll try and find the person and tell them to beware OF THE MAN WHO CAN SLIP MAYBE IN AND OUT OF YOU LIKE A WIND THAT GOES UNNOTICED, THEN CREEPS UP ON YOU AND SHOVES A FIST INTO THE WOMAN SPACE YOU SEEM TO HAVE FALLEN SO IN LOVE WITH, LAURA PALMER... YOU SHOULDN'T WISH FOR THINGS... YOU WON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.

  REMEMBER, LAURA PALMER, I CAN MANIPULATE YOUR CONSCIENCE SO THAT YOU FEEL NOTHING BUT WHAT I CHOOSE FOR YOU TO FEEL. DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE DYING, LAURA PALMER... DON'T YOU JUST FEEL LIKE GIVING IN TO ME AGAIN. TAKE ME BACK AND I WONT CAUSE A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT LATER TODAY. IF SOMEONE GETS HURT, YOU CAN SMILE KNOWING IT'S ALL DUE TO YOU. SELFISH, DRUG ADDICT, LESBIAN!

  Fuck you!

  Maybe if I just get to Leo's for some coke, I can get my shit together and earn my freedom back. My privacy of thought, all of it. I'm taking it back. It belongs to me. I just need some coke... I need a ride out of here... fuck it, I'll walk. I'll just get up walk downstairs and out the front door like nothing is wrong. I'll get some coke and everything will be better. I will be able to think. I'll just walk to Leo's and everything will be fine.

  I'll bring you with me, Diary -

  Laura

  April 2, 1987

  Dear Diary,

  Leo had company of the female persuasion, and they were unable to get to the door.

  Oh, God... money... shit! Maybe he'll front the coke to me, and I can pay him later, or... wait, he's coming out of the house.

  Talk soon, L

  Leo will be fair about the coke money, I hope I hope I hope.

  April 2, 1987

  Back, and happy at Leo's:

  He's got it, and it's good. He just set me up with a noseload. and my head is starting to sort through the mental files again.. feel the blood in my veins... I told Leo I wasn't like this weird addict, but I just haven't slept in so long... Wait!

  BOB is gone. I can't feel him around. Maybe it's because I'm high. Maybe I'm crazy and I made him up... No, fuck that. I'm crazy if I believe he's only in my imagination... he's real. I know he's real. I do. I couldn't and wouldn't create something as evil as the man I speak of.

  I am beginning to truly become what BOB told me I would. A fallen girl, misused, mistrusted, lost, loves sex and drugs because they are always there, making me feel the high I expect... no surprises. Can't you see you're killing me, BOB? Is that the point?

  I miss the days only a year or so ago when I could hardly remember a thing... I just knew somehow that on certain nights I came home, cried a lot, and hid behind the bathroom door, ashamed. I remember what you said to me, you shit! I remember! I know you cut me when I was very young, several times, and you told me that I was in big trouble because I had bled. You told me good children don't bleed down their legs. You told me I was not a child of God! Was there anything you chose to allow me to feel normal about! I grew up with you always there, showing me evidence of my evil blood and nature. You were that voice... you son of a bitch.

  Leo needs to see me about money... I hope this transaction goes smoothly, painlessly, and silently. I told Leo that if Bobby shows up, I need to hear from him right away.

  We've got to find another dealer just for tonight... I got the last of the pure, except for Leo's personal stash, and that's just what the name says. Personal. If I didn't have so much shit on my mind, I wouldn't need more than this for the night, but I do. I have to have it. It's all I have right now, man. My friend, the white line, who I am so conveniently reminded of each time I travel a major highway or see a snowstorm or a dash of baby powder, sitting like a tease inside my own fucking house.

  I hope we can get more. We have to. After the past few days without sleep this fuckin' BOB deal... I just can't go to sleep. Too dangerous.

  AND WHAT, LAURA PALMER, IT'S BEEN TWO, THREE DAYS SINCE YOU FIRST SNORTED... YOU ARE A MESSED-UP BITCH... STILL HERE.

  Fuck you, BOB. So I am what you always told me I was. A little bitch, dirty and sleazy and fucking people to pay for drugs. You win. You fed me pain when I had none, and when I did have pain, you said it was my own fault... I think you are the most repulsive, evil, conniving man ever to step foot in my life, where you had no invitation, no right. What in the fuck do you want! You cheat by never ever having to argue with someone strong enough to fight you... Conquer someone like that, then I'll admit you've won. I'll even follow you. No arguments.

  Laura Palmer believes you are a cheat.

  L

  June 24, 1987

  Dear Diary,

  It is very late at night and I do not care to check in or to alert someone of where I am or even if I am safe. I don't care to think about it. I don't want to know any more about myself, from anyone... too many lies have entered me, like bullets that made wounds... slow bleeding. It would be years later that I would notice. Begin to feel the weakness. Fall into the world
of drugs. The world of sex for show and power. For strength I thought I wanted, I went to the wrong people.

  The part of me with the ability to decide for myself whether something is right or wrong has been taken away. A decision lasts only a moment for me before I doubt it and curse myself for ever thinking I was capable of choosing right over wrong... I should have learned ages ago how to remember you. Perhaps I could have saved myself some very sad moments... very bad dreams, and several hundred desperate attempts at regaining my better self. The one who welcomed you in. The one to whom you owe an entire lifetime.

  I certainly hope you got what you needed.

  I can't have good things, not now. I don't know the road to responsibility, the way I used to. So simple to just walk down...

  I have sent Troy away. Set him free with several lashes to the ass (a method that kept me running for some time, as you must remember, BOB).