Unsung Lullaby

by Josi S. Kilpack

  Several seconds stretched by before he took her face in his hand and turned her to look at him. “What I want is you,” he said softly.

  The words sent a shiver down her spine. He meant what he said, she could feel it, and part of the wall she’d built cracked upon its foundation. “But look at us,” she said, wiping at her eyes. “We can barely stand spending time together, and after all the stress and frustration, I can’t have your child. Sometimes I think you must hate me for it.”

  “Hate you?” Matt said, his tone shocked. “I love you for trying so hard. This isn’t your fault, Maddie. I’ve never thought that.”

  She shook her head, feeling childish for saying it out loud, but not taking it back. How could he not be angry with her?

  He didn’t flinch, his face as soft and open as it had ever been. “I love you, Maddie, and we’re in this together. I promise I have never blamed you.”

  “But I can’t get pregnant. We’ve tried so hard and nothing has worked—it might not ever work. We have to face that fact.”

  “It’s not a fact,” Matt said, his voice a bit stronger than it had been thus far. “We’re going to do the IVF one more time.”

  “And if it fails like the others did?” Maddie asked, disappointed he was still holding on to the hope, yet wanting to feel hopeful herself. “Are we going to keep doing this? I don’t know how much more I can take, Matt.”

  “One more try, Maddie,” Matt said, his tone begging her to agree. “Just once more. If it doesn’t work then we’ll . . . talk about our options.”

  Although the words he used were the ones she wanted to hear, the look in his eyes told her the issue was far from resolved. The alternatives were second-rate to him. If they couldn’t have the child they’d been seeking for so long, would there be anything else left for them to build a marriage on? She wiped at her eyes and nodded, unwilling to push it anymore today, glad to have made this much progress.

  “One more try.” Matt leaned forward and kissed her forehead. His lips lingered against her skin, and she closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of his cologne, relishing the closeness. He lowered his face and looked at her. “One more try,” he said again, like a mantra he was determined to memorize. “And if it doesn’t work, we’ll start looking into adoption.”

  “Really?” Maddie said, shocked he’d said it out loud. They had both been against it for so long, but she’d been feeling herself soften, and the chance that he too felt the same way gave her hope.

  “We’ll have the money to start the IVF process in a couple weeks. Let’s see this one through to the end before we start losing our focus, okay?”

  “Okay,” Maddie said, wiping at her eyes.

  “And let’s go to dinner tonight,” Matt said as he returned to his bills. He acted as if there had never been a problem, making her wonder if the strain between them was wholly her fault. She actually liked that thought. If it was her fault they had become so distant, then she could make it better.

  “That would be nice,” Maddie said.

  Matt looked up at her and winked in a way that made her heart melt. How long had it been since she’d looked at her husband and seen the man she loved? Their relationship had become so insecure. Maybe Kim was right. Maybe there was a plan, and maybe all she’d needed to do was talk to her husband again.

  Chapter 6

  Monday afternoon Matt came home from work and grabbed the mail from the box nailed to their building. He reflected on the weekend as he sorted through the letters and climbed the steps. He and Maddie hadn’t done anything special, just watched TV and made dinner together, but they’d both wanted to be there and they hadn’t argued—much. It was the most connected Matt had felt to his wife in months.

  There seemed to be equal amounts of bills and junk in the stack of mail, and he reflected on how much fun it had been to get mail when he was a kid. Nowadays, good news rarely awaited him. A small pink envelope addressed only to him gave him pause. Who sends a man a pink envelope?

  After letting himself into the apartment, he dropped the mail on the counter and put his laptop case on the floor. With a butter knife he took from the dishwasher, he slit the pink envelope open, removing the card inside. On the front the card said, “Thinking of You.”

  Odd, he thought to himself. When he opened the card, a pink, folded paper fell out, but he ignored it for a moment and read the preprinted words stamped inside the card.

  It’s been a long time

  But I wanted to say

  That I am thinking of you

  And have a nice day

  He read the signature and his smile fell. The name Sonja was scrawled across the bottom of the card. He folded the card shut as his heart dropped to his toes. Then he noticed the pink paper that had fallen to his feet. With hesitation he picked it up and unfolded it. It was a photocopy of a sheet of college-ruled paper, the kind he used to carry around in a Trapper Keeper ten years ago.

  Well, I’m finally goin home. I finished everthing I wanted to do and with a little luck I’ll never come back heer. I can’t wait to get back to the Rez. I’ve missed Garrett sooooooooooooo bad. He’ll be so syched when he learns about the baby—I just know it. His mom won’t be able to say much then. Ha ha.

  Matt swallowed and kept reading, not wanting to know what else she had written about but unable to stop himself.

  I timed it perfect, tracked everything, I found my last guy over the weekend, he’s Michaela’s friend, she would freak. But anyway, they all have blue eyes and light hair like Garrett—I made sure to cover my bases. If I’m not pregnant then there must be something wrong with me. For posterities sake j/k:

  Matt Shep

  Zack Lawson

  Jack Bernstein

  Tim Thompson

  Greg Vander—something

  Not bad for a little Indian girl? We’ll see what happens. I hate this class!! Journaling is so dumb. Two more weeks and I’m gone!

  Matt swallowed again and let out a breath. His whole body tingled, and he crumpled the paper in his hand, wanting nothing more than to get rid of it. He recognized two of the other names—the type of guys someone would expect to be on a list like this—not like Matt Shep. His stomach burned, and yet he felt a bit relieved knowing he wasn’t the only one.

  With the paper pressing into his palm, his mind went back to that Memorial Day weekend. It was so long ago, and yet as clear as if it had happened yesterday. High school graduation had been right around the corner, and Michaela Peterson, a girl in his group of friends, offered their family’s cabin for Memorial Day weekend. Her family had already been planning to go and said it would be fine to invite some friends to join them. Matt hadn’t met Michaela’s parents before, or the foster daughter they took in during the school year. Michaela didn’t like the girl, Sonja. She had said there was something odd about the Navajo girl—calculating and strange for a sixteen-year-old. She blamed it on the Indian blood in her veins. Matt thought Michaela’s judgment was a little harsh and found Sonja to be nice enough, pretty, and shy.

  Saturday afternoon Matt sprained his ankle while they were all out hiking. With the help of two friends, he made it back to the cabin and put some ice on it. He assured his friends he would be fine being there alone, that he didn’t want to spoil their fun, and they went ahead while he rested his leg. Sonja declined the invitation to go with the other kids, and when her foster parents said they were leaving to get some groceries in the nearest town, thirty miles away, Sonja volunteered to stay with Matt. At first it was fine—a little uncomfortable, but fine. He found himself flirting with her a bit in hopes of getting her to open up—and then she sat next to him and put her hand on his thigh. Suddenly it wasn’t fine anymore.

  Matt knew how to keep within the moral boundaries when it came to dating, but he’d never prepared for what happened that day in the cabin. Even now he couldn’t put the pieces together in a way that made sense. She had gone from demure and soft-spoken to aggressive and seductive in mere seconds. The term �
�coming on strong” was an understatement, and though he protested at first, he was soon pulled along with the intensity. He’d wondered since then if the stress of graduation had made it harder to resist, or the fact that he’d been sluffing seminary and ignoring his scriptures.

  When everyone returned from the hike, he told them he thought he should go home and get his ankle checked. He’d been shocked at what had happened, and yet intoxicated by it as well—but he knew he had to get away from Sonja, who acted as if nothing had occurred.

  When he first got home from the cabin and locked himself in his room, he told himself he could work it out alone—humiliated to admit to anyone what he’d fallen victim to. But as soon as he knelt to pray for forgiveness, he knew that what he’d done was not that simple. After less than 24 hours of internal agony, he called the bishop, who met him at the church within the hour. The bishop had him call Sonja. Two weeks later, just days before she was to return to the Reservation, she and Matt met with the bishop together, where she assured them both that there was no way she was pregnant. Matt couldn’t even look at her. It was one of the lowest moments of his life, and yet the relief was indescribable. Because she wasn’t pregnant, Matt might be able to serve a mission—a goal he’d had all his life. Those two weeks of waiting and wondering had been horrible, and he had begun to learn then just what a broken heart and contrite spirit were as he realized the magnitude of what he’d done.

  The last he’d heard of Sonja was when Michaela told him that Sonja’s mom had called a few weeks after she returned to the Reservation to tell them Sonja wouldn’t be coming back next year. He felt horrible for likely helping her come to that decision, and yet he was relieved that he would never have to see her again.

  Though he would turn nineteen in November, he and the bishop decided he needed to put off his mission for several months. He enrolled in the fall semester at BYU and did everything he could to fulfill the requirements of his repentance and prepare to serve a worthy mission. For good and bad, he’d been irrevocably changed by the experience. He did not take his sin lightly and knew he had lost something precious, had broken promises that changed who he was forever. What he’d done was wrong, very wrong. But it had been the catalyst for a real and burning testimony of the gospel plan, the power of repentance, and the true presence of his Father in Heaven. He’d wondered since then if he would ever have understood what the gospel was about if he hadn’t felt the chasm his sin had created in his life. More than once he’d expressed his gratitude to the Lord that he’d been able to make it right, that he’d been able to serve his mission and become the man he should have been in the first place.

  However, his repentance didn’t make the sin go away. And it didn’t make this unexpected note any easier to swallow. Matt closed his eyes, slumping into a kitchen chair. He’d lived his life since then in hopes of one day banishing the experience from his mind forever, of never being that boy again. Yet here it was, crushing him beneath the burden of his transgression. He read the note again to make sure he’d read it right the first time. Despite her assurances to the opposite, she had gotten pregnant. She’d lied. Had she told the truth back then, his whole life would have been different—in ways he couldn’t imagine. He read the note a third time and then just sat there, trying to think what could possibly come next.

  Chapter 7

  When Maddie got home a little after six, she found a note from Matt saying he’d gone to the gym. Mail was stacked on the counter, and she wondered why he hadn’t sorted it. Most days he went through the mail and paid any bills as soon as he got home. He liked being on top of things. She sorted it herself, putting his things on the counter and taking care of the items pertaining to her. The J. Jill store at the Gateway Mall downtown was having a sale. Maybe she’d stop in after work one day.

  She was a little disappointed Matt wasn’t here—the weekend had been so nice. But she didn’t mind having the evening to herself. She heated some leftover spaghetti for dinner and watched the news. To support her recent goal to lose a few pounds before they started the next round of IVF, she did a one-hour yoga video, all the while expecting Matt to come home. She was more tired than usual when she finished and looked at the clock. It was nine o’clock, Matt’s usual bedtime. She wondered why he was so late. Four hours at the gym was masochistic.

  When she woke up at six-thirty the next morning, he was already gone. She wouldn’t have known he’d been there at all except that the covers on his side of the bed were messed up. She’d slept like a rock. When she got to work, she called the doctor’s office and made an appointment to get the initial blood work done next week. If everything looked okay, she would start the hormone treatments a week or so later. The hormones would prepare her one remaining ovary for the egg retrieval, and then a few days later the fertilized eggs would be implanted in her uterus. It was an emotionally and physically draining process. She felt guilty for not being more positive, but it all felt like a waste of time. Still, what were her options? She needed Matt’s support, and he was insistent they do one more round of in-vitro.

  The receptionist said Dr. Lawrence would be leaving on vacation in the next week and his schedule was booked, but she’d see what she could work out. As Maddie sat on hold, she couldn’t help but wonder how much of that vacation she and Matt would be paying for. With the IVF running $15,000 each round, not to mention the artificial inseminations before then, and the medications she’d taken the year before that, they had doled out a lot of money. They’d stopped keeping track a long time ago.

  Maddie came home to find a note telling her Matt had gone to a hockey game with James—he would be home late. Maddie thumped it back on the table, taking a deep breath. Two nights in a row—ridiculous. So much for making strides in their relationship.

  Determined to wait up for him, she cleaned up the apartment before turning on the TV. Since Matt worked so early in the morning, he almost never stayed up past ten, but at eleven he still wasn’t home.

  She wasn’t sure what woke her up, and it took her a minute to orient herself. All the lights were off, as was the TV, and she had been covered with a blanket. Matt must have come home. The clock on the microwave in the kitchen said 3:12. She went into the bedroom—sure enough, there he was, sleeping like a baby. She crawled in next to him and snuggled up to his side. Even with the two evenings apart, the connection they’d established last weekend was still in the air. She would talk to him in the morning, though, to make sure everything was okay and that he wasn’t avoiding her on purpose.

  Matt left before she woke up again—making it two full days since they had even spoken. Her compassion from the night before disappeared. She picked up the phone and called his cell phone.

  “This is Matt,” he said when he answered.

  “Matt,” she said and found herself at a loss for words. What had she planned to say? Finally she just said what she was thinking, “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, just busier than usual. Sorry.”

  “Oh,” Maddie said, feeling stupid for even calling. “I . . . uh . . . made an appointment with Dr. Lawrence for next Thursday. They’ll get the blood work, and we can go over the schedule with him. Will that work for you?”

  “What time?”

  “I made it at four so you wouldn’t have to take work off.”

  Matt was silent for a moment. “Of course I’ll be there.” His voice was soft, sweet, and she smiled. Maybe being nice was all it took. Maybe it was more powerful than nagging. She might be on to something.

  “Good,” she said, still smiling to herself. “I didn’t want to go alone.”

  “I’ll see you tonight,” he said. “But I’ve got to get back to work right now.”

  “Okay. Love you.”

  There was another pause, and when Matt spoke she could barely hear him, but his sincerity melted her heart all over again: “Oh, Maddie, I love you too.”

  ****

  Matt came home that night and every other night for the next week. He
had high hopes for this IVF and determined to be a better husband than he had been. The letter from Sonja had thrown him into a shock, and he’d taken a few days to get his bearings, but he was feeling better now. The only decision he had come to regarding Sonja’s note was that he wasn’t willing to do anything about it right now. It haunted him, and he wasn’t sure what it meant, but he didn’t want to destroy the fragile reconciliation he and Maddie had made for something that might be unfounded.

  It was hard to quiet the guilty voice in his head, but he decided if he got another note from Sonja, or anything else related to the situation, he would tell his wife. For sure. It made him feel better knowing he was taking it seriously but not burdening Maddie. Besides, it was so nice to be getting along with his wife again. He didn’t want to mess it up.

  Chapter 8

  Thursday afternoon Maddie left work early and drove to the doctor’s office. Matt arrived a few minutes later. He kissed her hello and she smiled, remembering that up until this last week it hadn’t been their routine. She liked it. They chatted for a moment, and although Matt seemed a little distracted, he also seemed to hang on her every word, and she liked that too.

  “Madeline Shep,” the receptionist called out.

  They stood and walked to the desk. Usually, Dr. Lawrence’s nurse called them back. The receptionist smiled an apology when they reached the counter. “I’m sorry, but Dr. Lawrence was called away this morning. He had hoped he’d be back by now, but he was called in on an emergency surgery for another patient at the hospital. He phoned a few minutes ago to say he won’t be making it back.”

  Maddie let out a breath. It was nice to be a patient of such a renowned fertility specialist. But there were drawbacks. “I guess I need to reschedule then,” Maddie said.