Unsung Lullaby

by Josi S. Kilpack

  Chapter 43

  January came and went without much happening. Matt and Maddie took a country swing class, to break in their cowboy boots, and had a great time, but it was impossible not to notice the emptiness of life in general. Sonja was letting them have spring break too, and so, even though Easter was months away, it gave them something to look forward to. Matt requested, through his attorney, for joint custody of Walter, offering an additional one hundred dollars a month in child support if Sonja would agree. She did so without much hesitation, and they both felt better having some legal say in Walter’s life. Thanks to several months of regular exercise, Maddie fit back into a size six by the end of the month—she was grateful to be making progress somewhere.

  February second, Groundhog Day, Maddie was at her desk when the phone rang.

  “Madeline Shep,” she said as she placed the receiver to her ear.

  “Maddie, it’s Gayla. Are you up to meeting another birth mom?”

  Maddie straightened and stopped working on the computer. She had always known this was coming, but she had feared the actual moment. Meeting another birth mom meant opening themselves up to failure again. But it was also a necessary step in the process.

  “Really?” Maddie asked, wanting to make sure.

  “Her name is Jenny. She’s eighteen years old, and I’ve been working with her for almost three months. She is very studious about this decision and has looked through almost every file I have. At first she said she didn’t want the baby to go to a family that already had kids, so you and Matt weren’t included. But she’s run out of couples, so I told her about you guys and the situation you have. Anyway, she wants to meet you, but I have to warn you not to get your hopes up. Her mother wants her to keep the baby, and she’s still with the father, whose parents want them to get married and make it work.”

  “How determined is she?” Maddie asked, grateful for the honesty but disappointed that the chances didn’t seem promising.

  “Very,” Gayla said. “Her parents married because her mother was pregnant with her. They divorced a few years later, and both have new families—that’s her terminology, by the way. She wants to give this baby a real home.”

  “When does she want to meet us?”

  “Tomorrow night,” Gayla said.

  Maddie took a breath. “We’ll be there,” she said. “What time and where?”

  “The Olive Garden by the Fashion Place Mall. Do you know where that is?”

  “Yes, yes . . . I do,” Maddie said, her stomach sinking. That was where they had met Kirsten and her lovely mother. But she didn’t want to overcomplicate things by reminding Gayla, so she kept her feelings to herself.

  “She’ll be waiting for you at six o’clock. She said you’d recognize her as the eight-month-pregnant teenager sitting alone.”

  “Alone?” Maddie asked.

  “It’s complicated. She’ll explain it.”

  “Okay.”

  “Are you all right?” Gayla asked after a moment of silence.

  “I don’t know,” Maddie said with all honesty. “After Kirsten, I’m nervous.”

  “Most couples are rejected at least once before an adoption goes through, but a hundred percent of couples who keep going—even though the risk of heartbreak is always there—get the family they’re praying for.”

  ****

  The next evening Matt and Maddie tried to ignore the eerie similarities to their meeting with Kirsten as they entered the lobby of the restaurant. Despite how hard Maddie had tried not to get her hopes up, she couldn’t help it and had been fantasizing all day long. Her insides were in turmoil, and she was sure she wouldn’t be able to eat a thing. She reminded herself that the chances of this working out were slim. Still, the possibility . . .

  Jenny was fifteen minutes late, a very long fifteen minutes. She was also extremely pregnant and looked uncomfortable as she walked in.

  “I’m Jenny,” she said and stuck out her hand when they approached her. Maddie shook it first. Jenny was about Maddie’s height, with blue eyes, fair skin, and blonde, curly hair pulled back in a ponytail . . . and so young—though not as young as Kirsten. The hostess led them back to the table and handed out the menus.

  For the first minute they were all silent, until Jenny folded up her menu and put it on the table. She started by quizzing them on almost everything—much as Delores had. Matt explained his job, his salary, the stability of his career. Maddie let her know she would quit as soon as they got a baby. Jenny liked that. They told her about Maddie’s medical problems, their house, and their families. The fact that their parents on both sides were still married seemed to make a good impression. Maddie was aching to ask some questions of her own, but she let Jenny run the show. The young woman seemed to know what she was looking for and continued firing away her questions in an almost businesslike manner.

  Jenny finally asked about Walter. It was the question they had both dreaded. Matt and Maddie had already decided to be very clear about Walter. They had kept information fuzzy before, and it had hurt them. This time Matt told her everything—how he had found out about Walter, the shock, and the eventual acceptance. Jenny listened, ignoring the salad placed before her.

  “What’s he like? I was hoping he could come with you.”

  “Walter lives in New Mexico with his mother,” Matt said. “He’s only here in the summers, but he’s great. He knows we’re working on adopting and thinks it’s cool. He’s Navajo.”

  “Yeah,” Jenny said. “It’s in your file. That’s one of the reasons I picked you guys. Brandon is Latino. His parents are Colombian, so he’s dark. Even though lots of couples put on their forms that they will take any ethnicity, I kinda didn’t like the idea of the baby standing out.”

  “We get some looks when Walter’s with us, but we’re getting used to it.”

  “And you guys don’t, like, hate other races and stuff?”

  “Oh, no,” Maddie said quickly. “Not at all.”

  “ ’Cause I worry about that too. It would be horrible if he was raised in a home where they thought dark people weren’t as good as white people. I met a couple last week, she’s part Hispanic and he’s white. I thought they would be perfect, that my baby would match, but the man pretty much said the only reason they were taking a biracial baby was ’cause no one would give them a white one since his wife was Hispanic. I hated that.”

  “That’s horrible,” Maddie said, more angry than she wanted to show at such callousness. She was also grateful that Jenny hadn’t shown shock and dismay at the way Walter had come into their lives. Then again, she understood better than most how something like that could have happened.

  “You’re probably wondering why no one came with me,” Jenny said, changing the subject. For the first time, they could hear the youth in her voice. She took a bite and swallowed before continuing. “My folks are divorced. Both are remarried now and have new families. I live with my mom. She isn’t active in the Church anymore, not since the divorce, and she’s got four other kids. She wants me to keep the baby or let her adopt it. It’s her first grandchild and she’s not very supportive about me giving it to strangers.” Jenny took another bite.

  “And what about your dad?” Maddie asked after a few moments, trying to get used to the abruptness of this young girl. She hadn’t expected her to be quite so forthcoming.

  “He doesn’t even know, and he won’t. He sends out his child support every month, and a hundred bucks for my birthday and fifty for Christmas, but that’s about it. He lives up in Washington state, and I haven’t even seen him for, like, four years, I think. He’s got two kids with his new wife. I’m an expensive piece of his past he’d rather not worry about.”

  Matt coughed and took a sip of his water. Maddie put a hand on his back, remembering that he’d seen Walter that way at first.

  “So he doesn’t know,” Jenny summarized as she took another bite and then pushed the plate away. “I get full so easy these days, but in another hour I’l
l be hungry again.” Matt and Maddie had barely touched their meals. “Brandon and I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Jenny said, looking at them both. “It just . . . did. We’d been dating for a year. He’s from a good family; a good kid. I’ve been to church more in the last six months than I ever went before.” She smiled at the irony. “Anyway, it happened a few times, even though we knew better and all that. Then I found out I was pregnant.”

  The waiter came, and Jenny asked him to box the dinner up for her. She continued, “He’s been good about it, offered to marry me and everything, but it didn’t seem right. When his mom found out, she completely freaked, told him he had to marry me. I still said no.” She smiled sadly. “My mom married my dad because she got pregnant, and it didn’t do any of us any good—the last thing I want to do is replay their life.”

  Maddie reached under the table for Matt’s hand and gave it a squeeze, hoping to communicate how impressed she was with this girl. This meeting was so different from the one with Kirsten—Jenny was so different. That had to be a good sign, right?

  “Brandon’s mom is still freaking out about it. She wants to adopt it, but there’s no way I’m going to do that.” She shook her head, showing her resolve. “That’s why Brandon isn’t here. His mom forbids him from coming around. My mom came with me the first two times I met with adoptive parents, but when I turned them both down, she said she’d had enough.” Jenny shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal, but Maddie knew it had to be painful for her to be doing this alone. “The counselor offered to come with me, but I’d just as soon do it alone.”

  “Are you and Brandon together now?” Maddie asked, feeling such sadness for the struggles this girl was facing and yet grateful in a twisted kind of way. The only way Matt and Maddie would ever get a baby would be through someone else’s tragedy.

  “Sort of,” Jenny said with a smile. “His parents won’t let him see me, but he manages to come over now and then. We’ve gone to see his bishop, and he’s helped us out a lot. Brandon calls me when his mom isn’t around. But it’s really hard. We’re working things through. I think once the baby’s born, it will be easier for us. We’d like to get married someday.”

  “But it must be hard, placing it up for adoption,” Maddie said softly. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate to say, but it seemed silly to ignore it, and she wanted to be sure Jenny was clear about the choice she was making.

  Jenny nodded. “Sometimes it is, but I’ve learned a lot these last few months, about God, about the Church, and about myself. God doesn’t want me to give up my life for this baby.” Tears came to her eyes and she shook them away. “No one should give up their life like that. I’ve never had a job, I’ve never lived on my own, and I know this baby deserves someone who wants it, not someone who’s obligated to take care of it.”

  “That’s a very mature opinion,” Maddie said after several seconds of silence.

  Jenny let out a hollow chuckle. “If I were mature, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be getting ready for college and picking out prom dresses. But God’s will is not for me to raise this baby.”

  They were all silent, as if they had run out of things to talk about. Matt offered dessert, and at first Jenny said no, but then agreed to take some home. Matt and Maddie waited, wondering if they had passed the test. Would she say no to their face? Did she need to think about it? What happened now?

  Jenny stood up awkwardly and then caught her breath and put a hand to her stomach. She smiled. “Want to feel it kick?” she asked, and Maddie nodded. She stood and leaned across the table. Jenny took her wrist and guided her hand to where she had felt movement. After only a moment, a distinct object bounced against Maddie’s hand, and she sucked in her breath. It kicked again, and she could feel the tears come to her eyes as she shook off how close she’d been to living through the joy of that very thing. Her own baby would be five months old now. But she focused on the situation at hand. A living person was in there, a baby, maybe hers. The next thing she thought was that it was the dumbest thing in the world to feel it kick. It would make a “no” so much harder.

  “I think she’s mad ’cause I refused the dessert,” Jenny chuckled when the baby kicked against Maddie’s hand again.

  “She?” Maddie asked, looking up into Jenny’s face. Jenny had called the baby “it” or “the baby” throughout the entire dinner. Maddie had been waiting for a clue.

  “It’s a girl, but I try not to think about it.” She smiled sadly. “Well, I better go. Someone will call you guys tomorrow.”

  They watched her leave and wanted to chase her down and force an answer from her. The waiting was agony. They sat back down in silence.

  “Do you want dessert?” Matt finally asked.

  Maddie shook her head. “I don’t think I’ll be able to eat anything until we hear from Gayla. This felt different, didn’t it? I mean, not like Kirsten.” Still, it was painful to hope after so many disappointments.

  Matt nodded. “How about we start a fast right now. We’ll order two desserts to go, and when we get the call it will be our celebration.”

  “What if she rejects us?” Maddie asked.

  “If she rejects us, we’ll throw them away and wait until next time.”

  Maddie smiled and nodded. They ordered two fudge caramel cheesecakes, paid the bill, and left. Matt unlocked Maddie’s car door, and she was about to climb in when he grabbed her arm and pointed at an old, red Honda a few spaces down the parking lot. Jenny was in the driver’s seat with her head bowed and her arms folded over her large stomach. They watched for a few seconds as she sat there alone, praying. Finally Maddie got in the car. Matt soon slipped in as well.

  “I think she’s got the right idea,” Matt said, and they both bowed their heads as Matt began a prayer of his own, opening their fast and asking that if it were God’s will, they might have the opportunity to raise Jenny’s baby as their own, to build their family, to find what they wanted more than anything in the world.

  Chapter 44

  The next day was agonizingly slow. Maddie had meetings all day long, which kept her away from her desk. At every opportunity, she raced to her phone and listened to her voice mail—nothing. She was also starving, since she had eaten very little of her dinner the night before. She was too nervous to eat anyway. She and Matt had prayed in the parking lot together, before bed, before Matt left for work, and she had continued to pray every time she had a free moment. It all felt different from the time with Kirsten, yet that earlier experience wasn’t far from her mind. When she focused on how she felt, she admitted that she felt good. But was that God’s way of telling her things were working out with Jenny? Or was it His reminder that He loved her even though this baby wasn’t for them?

  She tapped her pencil against her cheek as she looked up at the clock: 4:12. She wanted to scream. They had been in this meeting for over an hour—twice as long as they should have been. Someone was droning on about the latest hospital they were certifying. Maddie had zoned out a long time ago. She had decided she would call Gayla when she got back to her office. If, that is, she ever got out of this blasted boardroom! Finally they dismissed, and Maddie gathered her things and made a beeline for her office. Her heart was thumping as she pulled Gayla’s card from her desk and picked up the phone. She was three numbers into it when someone knocked on the door. It was Joyce, her director.

  Maddie tried to decide whether to put Joyce off and finish dialing or hang up and do it when she could be alone. Choosing the latter, she returned the phone to the cradle and tried not to let her frustration show.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie. Could you sign this?”

  “Sure,” Maddie said with distraction, grateful that all she had to do was sign a form. As a supervisor, she signed a lot of things. Joyce put the paper in front of her, and Maddie picked up a pen and scanned the page for the signature line that should be in the bottom corner, as it was on every form the company produced. But the line wasn’t there. Her eyes caught the first sentence, and she looked u
p at Joyce, confused.

  “What is this?”

  Joyce smiled just as Matt poked his head into the office. “It’s your letter of resignation,” he said. Maddie gasped as her eyes widened and the pen dropped from her hand.

  “You’re going to have a baby,” Joyce added with a smile. Maddie screamed and exploded from her chair as Matt came around and scooped her into his arms. Maddie hugged Matt tightly, babbling questions without giving him time to answer. Joyce slipped out of the room and shut the door.

  Matt put her down and wiped her wet cheeks with his thumbs. “Gayla called you a few times but didn’t want to leave it on your voice mail.”

  “I can’t believe it,” Maddie choked. She pulled Matt back to her again, laughing. “I can’t believe it,” she repeated and clenched her eyes shut. “I was so sure . . .” She was smiling too wide to speak. She knew they weren’t home free, or at least she told herself so, but it didn’t diminish the thrill of the moment.

  Matt wiggled out of her arms and reached down to pick up the bag with two small, white Styrofoam containers. Maddie laughed and wiped at her eyes again. “I hope you brought forks, because I’m fresh out.”

  Chapter 45

  Matt rushed to the elevator in a panic and pushed the buttons as he looked on the directory for the floor housing Labor and Delivery. Fourth floor.

  “Come on,” he muttered under his breath. The elevator was taking forever. Maddie had called just as he’d returned from lunch. Jenny had gone into labor the night before and was close to delivery. She’d asked Gayla to call them so they could be there as soon as the baby was born.

  Their baby.

  Maddie was on her way to the hospital, where she would get to see the baby as soon as it was brought to the nursery. It had taken Matt almost an hour to finish up some pressing phone calls and push some appointments to next week before he could leave the office. His stomach quivered with anticipation. February twenty-third, one week past their fifth anniversary, eight days past Walter’s tenth birthday. The day their daughter was to be born. In just one year, February had become a busy month on their calendar.