Glass Ceilings

by A. m Madden

  “Now…I don’t know what I feel.”

  I looked over at Nicholas, who was oblivious to his surroundings as he focused on his truck. Moving my gaze back to his mother, my frown softened the instant I stared into her sad eyes.

  I knew for sure that I’d fallen in love with my son, but regarding us, I was desperately trying to figure it all out.

  Chapter 24

  Nick

  “I understand you’re confused. So am I,” she said sounding completely defeated. “But I owe it to my son, and to myself, to figure it out.” Her eyes became glassy, but she never wavered from my gaze. “I’m not sure what I expected to happen once you knew the truth. I know I never wanted to completely disrupt your life, or to ruin it. I also know I didn’t expect you to see me, and instantly pledge your undying love. I guess what I was hoping for was to find out how you felt about me in Chicago, and if you could possibly feel it again. I never doubted you’d fall madly in love with my son, but I can’t pretend that I’d be okay with a marriage of convenience, under the guise of protecting us or what’s best for Nicholas.”

  She hit upon the one thing I was struggling with. It had to be more than that, but I wasn’t positive myself. I did owe it to her to be honest about what I felt before we had a son, and maybe I could feel that way again.

  “Angela, when I first laid eyes on you at headquarters, I wanted to hate myself for wanting to hug you so badly. With each hour I spend with you, I’m forgetting the hurt that I held deep inside for almost two years. In just a few days, you’re erasing the resentment and the anger I’ve carried, and I seriously don’t know what to make of it. I fell in love with you in Chicago. I knew it before I left for New York, and I waited anxiously to get you back in my arms to tell you that.”

  Feeling like I’d been hypnotized, I lost my train of thought by simply staring into her eyes. The urge to bend and kiss her consumed me, but I couldn’t confuse my physical attraction with my emotions. That wouldn’t be fair to her, not until I figured things out. Nicholas may have been the main reason my heart came back to life these past few days, but I couldn’t deny that at that moment it was her who had my heart beating frantically in my chest.

  “And now?” she asked quietly.

  “And now I need to figure things out,” I voiced my thoughts. “I look at him and remember you’ve kept him from me for the first year of his life, and I want to hate you for it, yet I can’t. I’m confused, Angela. I’m the protector. It’s what I do, who I am. You’ve taken that away from me, denied me the right to protect my own son. My head reminds me that I’m angry while my heart screams to stop wasting even more precious time.”

  “More time with Nicholas?” She asked tentatively, looking down to avoid my gaze.

  “I think I’m here because of both of you,” I admitted. When she raised her head my answer didn’t alleviate the doubt in her eyes. “I’m trying, Angela.”

  “I know.” She placed her hands on my chest, and I automatically rested mine on her hips. “Nick, I will always carry guilt over hiding your son from you. Do I regret it? I really can’t say for sure that I do, because I was able to hide from Ronnie, deliver Nicholas, and nurture him with hopes that I’d get back to you someday. Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed in Chicago or came to New York? I believe it’s a waste of time to speculate about what-ifs.”

  Her soft hand cupped my chin. The few seconds she waited before continuing had my heart hammering with that familiar urge to kiss her parted lips.

  “Should I have confided in you? Absolutely. In my defense, all I had to hold on to was mind-blowing sex, an outrageous physical attraction, and a promise of trying for more. There I was pregnant, and I had no clue how you’d even react to having a child.”

  “You assumed I’d be that guy?”

  “Yes, I did. Hell, that same night I learned your real name was Nick Farley.”

  I grimaced at that memory, feeling horrible when I confessed that to her. She picked up on my facial expression and asked, “Nick Farley is your real name, right?”

  “Um…yes. Actually, it’s Nicholas Thaddeus Farley, the second.”

  Her eyes widened comically, and I had to fight to keep a smile from spreading over my face.

  “See what I mean? I don’t know you. Suddenly, I was that girl who got pregnant from a stranger. I’m not that girl, Nick, and you can’t fault me for thinking you could be that guy.”

  “You knew me, Angela. Even if just for a short time, the man who made love to you, spent an entire day and night with you, was the real me.”

  “What I knew was how you made me feel, but I really didn’t know anything about you. I was so consumed with the insane realization that I was already falling in love with you, once I found out I was pregnant my doubts began to take over my actions. Ronnie’s threats may have forced me to run and hide, but my insecurities were what kept me there longer than necessary. Especially after you were able to let me go so easily.”

  “I regret that,” I finally admitted out loud. “Back in Chicago, the night I came to see you, I had decided all I wanted was for you to be happy. If you wanted me to walk away from the connection we shared, for whatever reason, I would. When you ended it, although it crushed me, I felt I was the one causing you unhappiness so I needed to let you go.”

  “We both have too many regrets,” she said sadly while looking deep into my eyes, causing every cell in my body to spark. “Nick, I had just come off a relationship where I thought I knew my boyfriend better than anyone. How stupid was I to have been completely fooled by the man I thought I loved? Then you came along, and you seemed too good to be true.”

  “I’m not him.”

  “I know that, and I think I knew that then as well.” She snatched her wine to take another gulp. “I did the best I could based on the circumstances. I mean, what would you have done, Nick, if you were me?“

  “I don’t know. Talked to you, for one thing.”

  “I didn’t know how to talk to you about everything, ask you questions when you were so far away, all the while worrying that you’d run for the hills once you found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t even asked you what your favorite color was, but I was supposed to ask you if you were ready to be a dad?”

  “So ask me now.”

  “Okay, what’s your favorite color?” She smiled when I did. “When’s your birthday? Do you love pizza like Nicholas does?” With each question, her face became more animated as a smile played on my lips. I finally laughed at the questions she chose to ask, and she laughed with me. “Do you get what I’m trying to say?”

  “Yes.” I moved my hands to the small of her back, my expression becoming serious. She voiced most of this back then, but I really didn’t hear her like I should have. I felt our physical connection was enough, probably thinking with the wrong head.

  “I hear why you did what you did, even though the protector in me hates that I, of all people, couldn’t help you. I just wish I could accept it and move on. I know I will someday, but right now it’s still too fresh and too raw. He could have found you, hurt you and my son.”

  “Where does that leave us?”

  “I’d like to say we should try to pick up where we left off, but…”

  “There’s that but again.” She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “So, we’d be married with a baby and a white picket fence that needs serious mending?” she countered before placing her wineglass on the counter.

  “Angela, that’s all we can do. Yes, there are monstrous circumstances complicating our relationship that we’re forced to deal with. There are no guarantees in life, but we have more going for us than most do.” She raised a brow, questioning my claim. “We do. Call it what you want, but what we have is more than just a sexual attraction. I’m not going to pretend everything is hunky-dory; the only way to get through this is take one day at a time…and the most important thing is to start communicating with each other.”

  “I have nothing to hide from you any
longer, you know everything. I’m just waiting for you to catch up.”

  I contemplated her words. “I’m trying,” I repeated. Taking her hand, I led her to the couch. Once we sat side by side, I said, “My favorite color is green, like your eyes. My birthday is on the twentieth of May. And I love pizza, just like my son.”

  She smiled warmly at my autobiographical fun facts. “My middle name is Terese, my favorite color is blue, and my birthday is the twenty-eighth of November.”

  “Angela Terese,” I repeated. “Tell me about your parents.”

  She smiled and said, “Well, they’ve been married for more than thirty years, and they own a restaurant in Jersey. My uncle Carmine was my dad’s silent partner. David and I both worked there through our teenage years. He absolutely hated it,” she said with a giggle. “I often tease my dad it’s what drove David to enlist.”

  “Did you tell your parents about us?”

  “I did. They know the whole truth. My father has been your biggest advocate, and he’ll be thrilled to meet you. What about your parents?”

  “Dad worked for the Pentagon. My mom left her job after getting pregnant with my sister, Michelle. She’s three years older than me, and she’s an actress living in California.”

  “Really?” She suddenly frowned when it dawned upon her who my sister really was. “Wait, Michelle Farley…the Michelle Farley is your sister?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh my God.” I laughed at her reaction. “That’s amazing, Nick. She’s a movie star.”

  “I don’t see her in that way, she’s just my sister, but yes, that’s her. It’s quite amazing to see how fast her career took off after that one movie. Ironically, even more so after her divorce.”

  “That was plastered all over the tabloids last year. It must have been difficult for her.”

  “He’s an asshole. Thankfully, Michelle is very…” I paused to find the right word to describe my sister. “Resilient. She’s been that way her whole life.”

  “Where did you guys grow up?”

  “Virginia.”

  “Your parents are still there?”

  I laughed again, while shaking my head. “Um, no. When Dad retired five years ago, he and Mom sold the house, bought a luxury RV, and now spend their time traveling every corner of our country. They are actually visiting my sister in California right now.”

  Angela tried to fight a smile by tucking her lips between her teeth.

  “Go ahead, you can laugh. It’s hilarious, but they’re happy. Dad’s life was always consumed by work, and he often felt he missed out on so much because of it. They refuse to be tied down to conventional obligations and decided to spend their golden years responsibility free and living one day at a time.”

  “That’s truly inspirational. Good for them.”

  I nodded, looking over at Nicholas who was now digging in his toy box. My mind wondered how my parents would react to the news that they had a grandson. Angela read my thoughts, and said, “They’re going to be shocked.”

  “They are, but they’re going to fall in love with him.”

  “What will they think of me?”

  I didn’t have a doubt in my mind that my mom would absolutely love Angela. My dad, on the other hand, would not be happy with the situation. She immediately assumed my thoughts. “They’ll hate me.”

  “No, they won’t. Once they hear why, they’ll understand. My dad is very old school, old-fashioned, but most importantly he’s the most morally sound person I know. The Ronnie situation is what he’ll be frustrated with.”

  Nicholas looked over and held up his truck. “Fruck,” he said with a frown.

  “What’s wrong, baby?” Angela asked.

  Without conscious thought, he took one step and then another before dropping to the ground and crawling the rest of the way.

  “Oh my God!” Angela gasped when it hit her that he actually walked. She turned to me with a huge grin. “Did you see that?”

  “I did,” I said with a chuckle. Nicholas hoisted himself up into a standing position using my legs for support.

  “Dada, fruck.”

  I took the truck from his hands, noticing a wheel was missing. “It’s broken?”

  He nodded, his big green eyes focused on the toy in my hand. “Fruck,” he repeated.

  “Let’s see if we can fix it, okay?” I lifted him and carried him toward his toy box. Bending at the knees, we both peered into the box as I dug around. “Ah, here it is,” I said, raising the donut-sized wheel to show him. I snapped the wheel back on and he clapped joyfully.

  “Fruck.” He pointed to Angela.

  “You want to show Mommy your truck?” I placed him on his feet, holding his hand until he was able to stand steadily. “Come on, little man…walk to Mommy. Show her how you can walk.”

  He gripped my finger, refusing to let go. Slowly we both took a few steps toward Angela, and then without warning he released my finger and walked the rest of the way alone.

  “You did it, little man!” she said, scooping him up and kissing his neck repeatedly. He giggled and squirmed in her arms, causing my heart to swell with so much love that I had no idea how to handle it.

  —

  We spent the rest of the day shopping for things that I’d need for Nicholas at my place. We also spent the time trying to get to know each other better.

  The subject of marriage hadn’t come up again, but it sat heavily in the back of my mind. I flip-flopped between it being a great idea and a terrible idea. When thinking that I’d lost my ever-loving fucking mind by even suggesting it, thoughts of a Mob war and the possibility that her brother had killed Ronnie snapped me back to why it was necessary to marry Angela.

  Always in control of my life and every aspect of it, the situation had me perplexed and nervous. How would we even do it? Would they move in with me or me with them? Eve’s words came back to haunt me several times during the day, and the last thing I wanted was to disrupt Nicholas’s life in any way. Then there was the very real possibility that it might not work between Angela and me, and those thoughts worsened my anxiety.

  “Are you sure you want to do this so soon?” Angela asked.

  She was busy buckling Nicholas into his new car seat while I was busy regretting my car choice. My beloved Mustang no longer seemed like a good idea, and I worried if it was safe to drive my son around in her. Normally, her shiny black gorgeousness thrilled me. She’d been my pride and joy since the day I bought her. Seeing my son sitting in the cramped backseat suddenly made me feel ill. Maybe I shouldn’t have scoffed at Angela’s idea of taking a cab.

  “Nick?”

  “Yes,” I responded, now distracted by how close his car seat sat to the side of the car.

  “He can’t wait to bust on you.”

  “I can handle Jase.” I wasn’t worried about him. We always had an easy friendship. Angela explained, unlike his wife who held me as responsible for our separation as she did her cousin, Jase felt I was the victim. His gripe with me was simply that I broke the “bro” code by hiding my undercover assignment at The Dump. He didn’t buy my excuse that I couldn’t tell anyone, and felt he would have made a great partner in the shakedown. I had my own gripe with Jase, although rationally I couldn’t blame him for being so close to my son. Angela reluctantly shared Jase’s role in my son’s life. Jealousy consumed me as she recounted games they played together or places they’d been.

  “Bye bye,” Nicholas said as Angela kissed his nose.

  “Yep, ready to go see Aunt Eve and Uncle Jah?”

  “Jah,” he repeated, kicking his feet excitedly.

  She straightened until we came face-to-face. “Maybe I should have kept it a secret we were going to see Jase. This could be a long car ride because of it.” When she saw my frown, she asked, “You okay?”

  “This car isn’t safe.”

  She glanced behind her at my sleek sports car. “He’s buckled and perfectly safe. It’s not far, just drive carefully.”

&n
bsp; Just a few days earlier, my life had been all about me. Every decision I’d made either directly affected my life or my job. And now I had to worry about everything from the car I drove to the details of Ronnie’s murder, and they all hit without warning like a tornado coming out of nowhere…blue skies one minute, running for cover the next.

  I didn’t know what the fuck was happening to me. I’d been fine earlier today, yet with every hour that passed I felt the stress of the situation settle over me more and more.

  Without any warning, worrying suddenly became a part of my life, when in my thirty-one years it never had appeared before.

  Personally, I had no idea how to handle worrying.

  “There’s no need to freak out.” She tried to calm my nerves, but failed.

  That’s an understatement, I thought. Besides worrying, freaking out was another thing I was unfamiliar with.

  When I refused to make eye contact, she gently gripped my chin and turned my head until our eyes met. “He’s fine.”

  “I’ve never driven a kid before, much less my kid, Angela.”

  “Nick, he’s fine.” She smiled warmly, her green eyes the most vivid I’d seen since Chicago. After a quick kiss on my cheek, she said, “Welcome to parenthood.”

  How could she be so calm?

  No sooner did we pull away from the curb than my cellphone rang with Stacie’s name appearing on my dashboard. I could feel Angela cut her eyes toward me as I internally cringed.

  “You can answer it.”

  “I’ll call her later.”

  I had a lot to tell Stacie when she arrived in a few days. Not having spoken to her, she had no idea what was coming. I didn’t have the energy to pretend everything between us was normal over the phone with my—fuck, I didn’t even know what to label Angela—sitting right beside me to witness the whole thing.

  I owed Stacie a face-to-face conversation. I cared about her, more than I ever admitted to myself. The more time I spent with Angela, the more I realized how much she reminded me of Stacie. Obviously, I’m attracted to a certain personality type, even though their physical appearances were very different. In fact, most of the women I saw these past two years were blondes. It suddenly occurred to me I might have intentionally avoided anyone who looked similar to Angela.