On the Outside

by Siera Maley

  I backed out of my text to Evan and vowed to send it in a few minutes. Evan was supposed to be the person we told last, so that we’d be so backed into a corner that we’d be literally unable to chicken out for fear that he’d hear it from someone else. Vanessa’d gotten Riley’s name out of me yesterday, and she was already bursting with the urge to tell everyone that she knew, so this was it. It was happening today.

  I crafted my text to Nicole carefully, and let out a slow breath and sent: “So it turns out Riley’s not the only senior girl you know who likes other girls.” I figured she’d appreciate the humor in it, and maybe she’d go easier on Grace if I just treated the whole thing lightly. Still, I was shaking a little as I sent the message.

  I knew she was done with class for the day, so it didn’t surprise me that I heard back from her relatively quickly, just a few seconds after I’d gone back to rereading my message to Evan.

  “Grace came clean last week; already murdered her over it and was just waiting for you to update me. Congrats, Riley’s adorable. Love you! Talk now or later?” There was a smiley face at the end of the message, and I let out a sigh of relief.

  “Later. You’re the best,” I sent back, and vowed to go visit her more this year than I had during my last. She was one of many people I’d neglected in favor of Josh. I knew it wouldn’t be like that with Riley. Josh had been a separate part of my life, almost like he’d been on the outside, off on his own little island.

  Riley was smack dab in the middle. Though we hadn’t felt comfortable calling it official yet, I knew our transition from friends to dating was going to be seamless when it came to how I divided my time. I could only hope that Evan was still willing to be a part of the equation.

  I shook out my arms and groaned aloud, then pulled up my text to him and pressed send before I could think about it any longer.

  Then my phone rang. Riley.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked by means of greeting.

  “I’m shaking. Holy crap,” Riley murmured on the other end. “Nobody hates me or wants me to date boys.”

  I burst into a grin. “Told you! I told you they’d be okay.”

  “Mom is so not okay, but I think she’s having the grandchildren freak-out you expected from your mom. Dad’s with her right now,” she explained. “I feel like I’m in shock. If Evan doesn’t hate us… if he can just be okay with this eventually… then we just get to do it. Just like that. It could be so easy.” She paused, and then let out a long breath. “Okay, not super easy, because we’ll still be two girls dating, but compared to how bad we thought it could be…”

  “You’re shaking so hard your voice is shaking, Riley,” I told her. “Try to calm down. Deep breaths.”

  “I don’t want to tell him,” she told me, breathing hard. “He’ll hate us. And we’d deserve it. Or I would, at least.”

  “Literally everyone that’s found out this past week has been a pleasant surprise. I bet he’ll be, too. We just have to do this one thing and then we’ll be done with this bizarre coming out marathon thing we’ve kind of awkwardly been obligated to do. You told Dylan and Brett, right?”

  “Brett thought it was hot because he’s kind of an asshole sometimes, and he seemed like he wasn’t that surprised that I liked girls. Dylan said he was happy for me even though I think he was a little disappointed,” Riley admitted. “Evan’s literally all that’s left. He’s going to hate that we told him last, too, you know.”

  “Maybe he’ll understand.”

  “Maybe we shouldn’t tell him he was last,” Riley suggested. “Have you texted him?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Cool. Great. I’m gonna puke.”

  “Deep breaths,” I repeated. “I’m gonna walk down to the creek. Meet me there and we’ll wait for him?”

  “Okay. Yes, I’ll head there in a few minutes. I’m not sure if I should stick around to talk to my parents some more; they’re still in the other room. I’d like to get out of here, though.”

  “Let me know,” I told her. “Bye.”

  After I hung up, I changed into a pair of sneakers and then began the walk to the creek. I thought of the day I’d gone there at age thirteen, just before Riley and Evan and I had started high school, and of how we’d all agreed that we’d never let anything get in the way of our friendship.

  Back then, the threats we’d envisioned had been schedule clashes and a few new friends. We’d been worried about changes to who we were, but I knew it went without saying that when we’d vowed to not let who we became affect our friendship, we’d been talking about winding up in different social cliques or developing differing interests. So when those things had happened, we’d been able to stick it out.

  This one was directly out of left field, and never in my wildest dreams would I have ever seen it coming. I never thought something as natural as falling in love would be an issue. Not when I was just trying to stay friends with two people I already knew I loved more than anyone else in the world.

  I’d kissed Evan at age twelve and to this day, we joked about how awful it’d been. Maybe I should’ve realized right then, as Evan was drooling on me at Madison Reed’s thirteenth birthday party, that if it wasn’t going to be him and Riley, it was going to be Riley and me.

  I wondered if Riley had realized, as she sat in Madison’s basement with us and watched us kiss, who she’d been jealous of. I wondered if she was as shocked that we’d wound up here as I was. And mostly, I wondered if she had any idea what we were supposed to say, because I definitely didn’t.

  My phone buzzed with a reply from Evan: “Sure, just tell me when. Everything alright?”

  I pocketed my phone and swallowed hard, electing not to reply. He’d find everything out when he met us anyway, and I hated that even now he was trying to make sure everything was okay with me and with Riley. I didn’t feel like I deserved his empathy.

  I reached the creek before Riley, expectedly, and crawled into our shelter, lying flat on my stomach and staring out at the water. I pictured a tinier, shorter Evan, ankle deep in the creek, trying to catch frogs with Riley while I ran away squealing about how gross they both were. The memory faded and I frowned.

  I knew right then that Riley and I were not, in fact, a sure thing. I loved her, but I loved Evan too, and I didn’t want to lose him. If his friendship hinged on Riley and me waiting longer to date, I’d agree to that in an instant. If it hinged on never dating Riley… I didn’t want to think about how I’d make that decision. Back when he’d been dating her, choosing her over him had felt easy. But now that I’d spent so long going behind his back and feeling awful about it, I wasn’t so sure I didn’t owe it to him to make sure things stayed the same between the three of us.

  We were the three amigos. We’d always been. I couldn’t imagine doing this thing with Riley without his support. I couldn’t do to him what he’d unknowingly done to me over the summer.

  Riley arrived a few minutes later. I got out of the shelter and then pulled her into a tight hug when she reached me. She collapsed into my arms and squeezed me tight. When she pulled away, I sent a text to Evan telling him to come.

  We sat in the shelter together as we waited, and Riley chewed at her bottom lip anxiously, her right hand fiddling with the fingers of her left.

  “What do we say?” she asked me at last. “Who starts?”

  “I can start,” I decided. “Maybe it’s better he hears it from me.”

  “And I just stand there?” she replied. “And just say nothing while you explain to him that I basically dated him out of desperation and pity until I broke up with him to date you?”

  “You know that’s not what happened,” I murmured.

  “That’s how it’s gonna sound to him!”

  “Then we have to explain better. We have to explain all of it: the pressure there is to date a guy when you’re a girl, that you thought maybe you could fall in love with him, that you broke up with him because it was the right thing to do, regardless of how
things turned out with us. All of that. And… he could understand that all of that stuff and that how we felt couldn’t be helped.”

  “But it’s like you said before. We acted on it. This,” she squeezed my hand, “could be helped.”

  I didn’t have a response for that.

  Riley let go of my hand when we both heard leaves crunching in the distance. Evan came into view and waved a hand when he saw we’d spotted him.

  “Hey, guys,” he greeted us easily. “Oh, cool, you didn’t bring backpacks, either. Wasn’t sure if we were gonna work on homework again.”

  “No, just wanted to talk,” I said, clearing my throat. There was a nervous ball of energy building in my stomach, far worse than when I’d told Vanessa or my sister or even when my mom had walked in on Riley and me. It was sending shivers throughout my body I had to reel in before they could make me tremble visibly. I understood how Riley had felt with her parents.

  I stood and looked back at Riley, who was very clearly pale-faced and couldn’t even bring herself to open her mouth. Evan, upon catching sight of her, asked her, “Whoa, Riley, are you sick?”

  Riley shook her head hastily, glanced at him, and forced a smile. “Just feel a little nauseous,” she managed. “Don’t worry about me.”

  “You sure? I can go grab something for that from-”

  “Evan,” I interrupted, grabbing his arm and dragging him to the shelter, “just sit down.”

  “Oh. Okay?” He looked confused, but took a seat.

  Riley left the shelter through the other open side and walked around to place herself somewhere behind me, a little off to my left. I watched her lean against a tree before I turned back to Evan, who had an eyebrow arched in amusement. “Why does it feel like you guys are about to tell me I have a serious problem and I need help? Is this about my video game addiction?” He paused and watched Riley and I exchange another look. Riley looked to be growing more and more mortified by the second. “And you’re not laughing. That’s not good.”

  “We have to tell you something,” I blurted before I could lose the nerve. “Can you just listen?”

  He closed his mouth and his eyebrows furrowed. “What’s going on?”

  I started to say something, but then Riley spoke up behind me and the words died in my throat. “You know how when we were dating, I… that first night was different from the rest of the time? How we hardly did anything after that first time?”

  He looked embarrassed at the reminder. “That was a while back; we don’t have to-”

  “I was trying,” Riley began, cutting him off, and then hesitated for a moment before she started again. “That first night I wanted so badly to just be normal. Kayla had Josh and I wanted to want you, because the idea of you and me seemed perfect and I knew that if I was going to be with anyone…” She took in a shaky breath. “…any guy, it was going to be you.”

  I saw the clear change in his expression as he went from confused to stony-faced. His eyebrows dropped and then pulled together, his mouth formed a thin line, and his eyes narrowed. He looked back and forth between us for a moment, visibly connecting the dots, and then abruptly got to his feet.

  “I don’t think I want to hear this.”

  “Evan-” I started, catching his wrist, but he yanked it out of my grip and glared at me.

  “You knew how much I liked her.”

  “It didn’t start until after you guys broke up,” I insisted.

  “Oh, wow, thanks. Congratulations on being only a moderately shitty friend. I can’t believe this.”

  “Can you just hear us out?” I asked. He pushed past me, bumping his shoulder into mine so hard that he accidentally knocked me off-balance, and I landed on the hand I stuck out to try and break my fall. “Ow!”

  I heard leaves crunching more quickly, like someone was running, and when I turned from my spot on the ground, it was just in time to see Riley press both of her hands to Evan’s right bicep and send him sprawling sideways onto the ground. He landed hard, and it seemed to take a few seconds for it to sink in that she’d pushed him. When it did, he stared up at her with surprise even as she glared down at him.

  “You were awful to Kayla when we were dating, and she still never told me to break up with you, even though she liked me,” Riley spat at him. “And it ended with us because I realized you weren’t the exception I was hoping you were, yes, but also because I didn’t like who you were when I was with you. You weren’t a good friend. And we’ve still tried hard to be good friends to you, but… I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to ignore that Kayla liked me back given that I’ve had feelings for her since I was twelve.”

  Evan’s jaw was tensed, and although he looked angry, when I got up and managed to rejoin Riley, I could see his eyes getting watery. She didn’t stop there.

  “I know that you know what it’s like to feel that way about someone, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t return those feelings. But Kayla could, and she does, and I guess it’s naïve of us, but we were hoping that you could be okay with that eventually. Because even despite how you were over the summer, we love you and we don’t want to lose you. We waited this long to even try to make it official because we didn’t want to hurt you.”

  He blinked and looked away from her, and then reached up to wipe at his eyes. My throat felt tight but my eyes were dry; Riley, on the other hand, had been crying openly throughout her whole speech.

  “So I’m just supposed to say ‘okay’ and just be cool with the fact that this has been going on behind my back, and if I don’t, I’m not a good friend?” he asked. “Kind of a high bar to set, don’t you think?”

  “That’s not how it is,” Riley began, but he let out a sarcastic laugh at that.

  “Oh, you mean Kayla didn’t hang out with me, listen to me talk about how broken-hearted I was over you, then go over to your house and make out with you afterward?”

  “I’d never do that to you, Evan,” I murmured.

  “You expect me to just believe that?” he asked, turning to look at me.

  “Yes,” I said, and stared back at him, unwavering.

  He broke eye contact first, his gaze darting down to his lap as he sniffed. “Then how did it go?” he asked at last, his tone bitter. Riley took over again.

  “Deep down, I knew that I liked Kayla, and that that probably meant that I was at the very least bisexual, but I thought that she could never like me, so I was hoping that I’d fall for a guy and then that would solve the problem. I had this idea in my head that maybe I just liked her so much because she was my best friend. Naturally, that meant that you, as my other best friend, were the best choice of a guy I was ever going to have. And Kayla was with Josh, so when you kissed me, I went with it. But then, as it went on with us over those next few weeks, I knew it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. But I didn’t want to hurt you.” She hesitated. “Then you told me about Nicole’s party.”

  He shook his head with disbelief. “So the instant you found out Kayla liked girls, you dumped me.”

  “I found out Kayla liked me,” she corrected. “When I went and talked to her, I found out. But I broke up with you because I was always going to have to break up with you. Whether it was in another month, or a year, or when we were married with two kids at forty years old, it was going to happen. You can’t tell me that if you were in my situation you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”

  “Then you shouldn’t have dated me. You just led me on.”

  “I made a mistake. I should’ve listened to what I felt about you all along. But I didn’t, and I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was to take advantage of you, and I know that I did. I don’t think I deserve any sort of forgiveness for that.”

  “Well,” he began, but then swallowed hard and fell silent. Riley took a seat beside him, drained. He looked between us for a moment, and then asked, “Couldn’t you have waited longer?”

  Riley and I exchanged a look, and then I told him, tentatively, “That’s not totally off the table.
We haven’t stopped caring about you.”

  “But then I’ll know you’re just holding off for my benefit. That’s pathetic.” He shook his head and took in a deep breath. “I can’t believe this.”

  I sat down on the ground across from him and Riley as he dropped his head into his left hand. His right hand ran through his hair and then settled on the back of his neck, his head bowed. We were all quiet for a moment as Riley and I waited for him to say more.

  It felt like minutes had passed before he finally raised his head. His eyes were watery and red-rimmed, and he sniffed before he spoke.

  “I don’t want to be selfish. You guys are my best friends. But can you at least just… pretend to just be friends around me? For a while?” He pressed his lips together and forced a smile, and Riley and I exchanged relieved looks. I felt like a two-ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

  “Believe me,” I said, “After dealing with you guys over the summer, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I stood up and offered him my hand, and he took it carefully, then let me help him to his feet.

  “I guess,” he admitted to me as Riley stood beside him, “that I can’t be that mad about you stealing my girlfriend when she’d already stopped being my girlfriend and never really liked me in the first place. I just wish you guys had figured this crap out before Prom night. I still would’ve been upset, but at least I’d have less of a right to be.” He turned to Riley. “But, honestly, I guess it kind of helps knowing that you’re gay. Means I never really had much of a chance anyway.”

  She smiled at him and pulled him in for a hug, which he grudgingly returned, his shoulders slouched and his smile looking more like a grimace. “I love you,” she told him.

  “Yeah, me too,” he sighed, and then pulled back slightly to offer an outstretched arm to me. I grinned at him and joined them, wrapping one arm around Evan and another around Riley. “I have a few more requests, though.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “The first is that you guys give me time to get used to the idea. Kind of a given.” He let us go and moved away a little before he continued. “The second is that after that time has passed, you help me get a date with Abigail. I think she’s cute, but I don’t want it to just be a rebound or something I’m rushed into.”