Oblivion

by Karolyn Cairns

  ~ ~ ~

  Lindsay tried to ignore the jealousy she felt all the way into Helena. Marnie was quiet and looked out the window of Jace’s truck. She hadn’t said two words since they left the apartment. Lindsay more than knew she felt as uncomfortable as she did. She tried to break the ice.

  “Everything will be fine if you’re worried.”

  “That’s not it,” she said in response and continued to stare out the window at the traffic on the interstate.

  “What is it?” Lindsay asked in concern. “Do you feel sick?”

  “Why are you being so nice to me?” Marnie snapped and her hazel eyes narrowed as she swung to look at her. “I screwed around with your boyfriend! You should hate me! I do!”

  Lindsay knew from her mom that pregnant women were highly emotional and reasoned that was the cause of Marnie’s distress.

  “I know why he did it. It’s typical of Jace. I don’t like it but I don’t hate you.”

  Marnie rolled her eyes. “Lance isn’t here. Cut the shit, Lindsay. You don’t have to watch what you say.”

  “I mean it,” Lindsay argued and glared at her. “Trust me if I didn’t; I wouldn’t be taking you to the doctor.”

  “How are you going to feel if it’s Jace’s kid?”

  Lindsay stared at the interstate ahead and shrugged. She didn’t know what to say but tried for the truth, knowing they had to have this out between them.

  “I’m glad you’re keeping the baby. I feel jealous. Me and Jace wanted kids one day. When he died all that ended. I know what you think but I’m ok about it. My brother is the kid’s uncle too, so at least I have a place in his kid’s life. It’s going to be fine; you’ll see.”

  “He really did love you,” Marnie replied brokenly and her lip quivered.

  “I know. That’s why I’m trying not to let this bother me.”

  “I don’t think I would be this nice to me if I was you.”

  Lindsay knew it was more than hard to maintain an indifference she was far from feeling most of the time.

  “Jace didn’t plan this and either did you. Had he lived; I wouldn’t have ever known, right?”

  “He said he couldn’t lie to you.”

  Knowing Jace planned to tell her about his one-night stand relieved her.

  “He never has.”

  “I think he’s still around, you know; his spirit and all.”

  Lindsay tried not to smile. “I feel him too. He’s with us.”

  Marnie looked uncomfortable. “Do you believe in ghosts?”

  “No, not really, but I would like to think so.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why, do you think Jace’s ghost is haunting us all?” she asked teasingly.

  Marnie looked away. “I guess it’s ridiculous.”

  “If he is he probably just wants to make sure we’re all okay, knowing Jace.”

  “If the baby were Cam’s would you keep it?”

  Lindsay forced herself not to show the disgust she felt to even think of carrying the psycho’s baby.

  “It’s innocent of all this. I would do what my heart told me to do and not hold what the father did against it.”

  “You’re right,” Marnie agreed. “That’s what I’ve been doing. I know it’s wrong but I’ve prayed for it to be Jace’s.”

  “So have I, for everyone’s sake,” she added and saw Marnie’s eyes widen. “We both know how difficult Cameron will make it for you to leave with my brother. I’m praying it all works out.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” the girl began and looked down at her hands. “This must be so hard for you.”

  Lindsay felt another pang of resentment and pushed it back. Marnie needed to be reassured. Her feelings would pass in time. For right now; she did this for Lance. Her brother loved this girl. She had to make an effort to forgive the past.

  “Yeah it is, but we’ll get through it.”

  “I’m scared, Lindsay.”

  “So am I,” she said and meant it. “None of us knows what’s going to happen.”

  “I mean about this test,” Marnie confided. “I have to know now, but I’m afraid to know.”

  “Why worry for the next four months? At least you’ll know and it’ll give you some relief; either way.”

  Lindsay fell asleep in the waiting room. The clinic was crowded with pregnant women and teens, crying babies, and rambunctious toddlers. Sleep was impossible, but so were the looks she was getting from the other patients.

  She knew what they must be thinking; saw the pitying looks. Another irresponsible teenage Mom; their expressions said. It was with some pleasure when Marnie was escorted out with a nurse and they gestured for her.

  “Are you her partner?” the nurse asked curiously and smiled with little judgment in her gaze.

  “Uh, yeah, I guess so,” Lindsay said in confusion.

  “Here’s a prescription for pain if she needs it,” the nurse told her. “Make sure she stays off her feet for forty-eight hours. Your girlfriend needs rest and help at home.”

  “I’ll make sure she gets it. Come on, Marnie.”

  Lindsay nodded and drew Marnie’s arm in hers, seeing her pale features and growing worried. Seeing the interested looks in the waiting room made her cringe. She realized they now thought her and Marnie were a couple from the nurse’s words.

  She was gnashing her teeth as she saw two of the moms whispering and eyeing them in amusement. Marnie didn’t seem to notice much. She was a little traumatized by the test.

  Lindsay got her to the truck and she promptly lay down on the seat with her knees up to her chest, claiming she felt sick. She gazed at her worriedly on the ride back to Little Bend. She wanted to ask about the test, but figured she might need something to take her mind off it.

  “Lance told me he wants me to go with him to look at rings,” she told her. “Might help if I knew what kind of girl you are. Me, I’m a round cut all the way.”

  Marnie looked up at her and seemed to rally a little. “I saw one I liked once. It wasn’t round. It was pointy at both ends.”

  “That’s called a marquis. Good choice,” Lindsay went on to say. “I used to make a day of looking at rings. I wanted to know exactly what I wanted when Jace and I got married.”

  “You just looked at rings all day?”

  “Yep, till I found ‘the one’.”

  Marnie sat up now; the interest in her gaze was obvious. “How do you know when you find ‘the one’?”

  “You put it on your finger and you get butterflies,” Lindsay recalled and smiled and glanced over at her. “That might take a while.”

  She could see there was no way Marnie was going to let Lance take her to pick out her ring and she was pleased. For a girl who was getting married; she didn’t act excited. She seemed to dread it.

  “You had your whole wedding planned, I bet,” Marnie observed without batting an eyelash.

  Lindsay smiled glad she was getting her mind off her troubles. “Yeah, our wedding was going to be at St. Bernard’s. Our reception was going to be at the Elks Club.”

  “What color were the bridesmaid’s dresses?” Marnie asked with interest, now sitting up fully

  Lindsay laughed. “Well, those changed about ten times. First they were cotton candy pink. Then I realized nobody but me liked that color, so I narrowed it down to my favorite color.”

  “What was that?”

  “It’s called periwinkle,” Lindsay said fondly and rolled her eyes. “Jace said there was no way he was wearing any matching bow tie or anything in periwinkle. Said it sounded like Rip Van Winkle and was bad luck.”

  Marnie laughed at that. “Sounds like Jace.”

  Lindsay smiled and nodded. “So I compromised with light blue.”

  Marnie looked intrigued and the talk of wedding dresses dominated their conversation until they got back to town. On impulse they stopped at the drug store and bought the current issue of Brides. Lindsay left her leafing through it eagerly on the couch with her fe
et up and went to her bedroom to change.

  Jace was there, grinning ear to ear when she arrived. Obviously he had been eavesdropping again.

  “You never compromised with light blue,” he said and chuckled.

  “I would have,” she told him and shrugged. “I was leaning towards it. I guess I never thought about it until now. I definitely would go with the blue now.”

  Jace eyed her knowingly. “I would have worn the Rip Van Winkle.”

  “I know and that’s why I changed my mind to light blue,” she explained and knew it was ridiculous they have this conversation. There wouldn’t ever be a wedding for them now. Why did they talk about it?

  “You did a nice thing back there,” he said and his brown eyes looked at her with admiration. “Marnie was scared during the test. I thought she was going to puke her guts out.”

  “You were there?” Lacey asked in surprise.

  “I felt like somebody needed to be in there with her,” he explained and avoided her eyes. “She could be having my kid, Lindsay.”

  “I know. I’m just surprised you didn’t let on to me you were there.”

  “I knew it was bothering you,” he said and met her gaze with regret. “You even went out of your way to make her feel better and I knew you were dying every minute back there.”

  Lindsay looked away. “Was it that obvious?”

  “Only to me, Linds,” he replied softly and approached, his ghostly hand fluttering around her face. “I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

  “I have to accept the fact it could be yours. She’s marrying my brother,” Lindsay said and smiled. “Looks like I’m going to be the kid’s aunt either way.”

  Jace looked relieved. “I’m glad you’re taking this so well. I never thought you would.”

  “I never thought you’d die, Jace,” she said and felt tears forming. “That changed everything. It changed me.”

  Neither of them said the obvious but they both knew his death changed her for the better. She would have never given Marnie the time of day had he lived. The old Lindsay would have blown the matter sky high and left little doubt of her outrage. The new one let it go, seeing nothing could change the past.

  “I like the changes but I like the old you too,” he said and stared into her eyes. “Just promise you’ll do everything you planned to do one day? Don’t let my dying change that for you.”

  Lindsay stared at him. How could she tell him of the great void she saw ahead without him? He would get upset to know she wished to die every day just to be with him.

  “All I ever wanted to do was leave this town, Jace. Now I’m afraid to leave and never see you again.”

  He grinned. “You’ll see me again. I’ll be the guy in that weird periwinkle tie waiting at the pearly gates for you.”

  “I changed it to light blue,” she reminded him, gaze blurred to think of him waiting there one day for her. It was comforting knowing that, less frightening.

  “Ok. I’ll be the guy with the light blue tie, leaning on the gate wondering what took you so long to get there,” he agreed readily and smiled.

  “You better be there,” she warned. “I’ll be mad if I have to wait on you.”

  Jace reached out and touched her cheek, making her quiver from the cold sensation. “I’ll be early this time. I promise.”

  Lindsay closed her eyes, wishing he was back with her then. When she opened her eyes he was gone. She knew where he was going.