Rough Rider

by Harley Fox

  “Oh my God, is that Merryn?”

  “I said go back to bed,” I snarl as I reach the top of the stairs and push past her. I need a drink, and badly. But I’ve got to call Johnny first to get him to bring that fucking car over now. So I go and grab the phone as I hear Merryn reach the landing. Emily’s speaking to her so I take the phone into the kitchen and grab a beer out of the fridge, opening it up and downing half of it in one go as I hear the girls’ voices floating in from the living room.

  Merryn is still sobbing, explaining to Emily what happened. I take another swig and dial Johnny’s number, holding the phone up to my ear. Johnny picks it up on the second ring.

  “Yeah?” he says.

  “Johnny, it’s Jake.”

  “Oh yeah, hey Jake. Hey, you got a cold or something? You don’t sound so good.”

  I grimace and take another swig of my beer. Merryn is still crying and it’s tearing me apart.

  “I’m fine. Bring the car over now. Merryn is ready to go.”

  “Oh. Yeah sure, man. Yeah, whatever you say.”

  “Great, bye,” and I hang up, putting the phone down on the counter. I down the rest of the beer and grab another one from the fridge, cracking it open, too. Tilting it back I feel the cold, harsh liquid pour its way down my throat. All I want is to forget. To let the alcohol do its work. But the sound of Emily’s crutches approaches and she appears in the kitchen doorway.

  “Jake, come out here,” she says. I lower the beer bottle down.

  “Go away,” I say. Already I feel woozy, but it’s not taking away any of the pain.

  “Jake, come out here and talk to Merryn. She says what happened isn’t her fault.”

  “It is,” I say. “Chains are dead because of her. And Sal. Sal is dead.”

  Emily grimaces and sets her jaw, but she nods.

  “I know. People die. But we have to move on, okay? You have to talk to Merryn and stop trying to get drunk. Did you get drunk when Mom and Dad died?”

  “No,” I say. “But this is different.”

  “Because of Merryn?”

  “Yes.”

  “Because you’re in love with her?”

  “Shut up!” I suddenly shout, and I push past her again out of the kitchen. When I look in the living room Merryn is sitting on the couch. She looks at me and I see her tear-streaked face and somehow she still looks beautiful. Every part of me wants to hug her and rip her apart, both at the same time.

  “Johnny’s on his way here,” I say. “So pack your shit and go.”

  “Jake …” she begins, but I shake my head.

  “No, Merryn. No more lies.” I take a long drink of beer and lower the bottle back down. “What did you think you were doing, huh? To Emily and me and all of the Chains? You’re worthless, a piece of shit. And you’re dead to me.”

  I hear Emily gasp behind me, and to my surprise Merryn drops her head.

  “I know,” she says in a sullen voice. “I am.”

  I’m staring at her. Once again that urge to go over and comfort her is overwhelming. Just stop this and go over, hold her, tell her that everything—

  NO!

  Don’t let her trick you anymore! This is the reason why love doesn’t work! This is why it hurts when the people you need leave, right when you need them the most!

  “RRRAARGH!” I suddenly yell, hurling the beer bottle against the wall. It shatters apart in a spray of glass and white liquid foam. Emily screams and Merryn yells out, looking over at my outrage. My breathing is heavy. What is going on with me? Every part of me hurts and I can’t take it anymore.

  “Get out!” I bellow, and Merryn cries out before standing, looking at me scared. I glare at her and watch as she takes off Emily’s shoes, and then she goes over, slipping on her own high heels and grabbing her purse.

  “Jake, what are you doing?” comes Emily’s voice behind me.

  “Shut up!” I scream and Merryn gapes at me again. My eyes feel wet and it makes me even angrier. The first person to love me hovers at the top of the stairs, her face a messy chaos of pain and sorrow. And then she turns and disappears and a part of me is ripped out of my body forever. It hurts to see her go, hurts more than anything else in the world. Because at least when I was mad at her she was still here! And now she’s gone and I did this to her and she will never be back because everything that was true is a lie.

  I turn around, my vision blurry and my cheeks soaking wet. I stumble forward and almost bump into Emily but she leans away just in time. My heart is full of nothing now. I move down the hallway and wind up in my room, closing the door behind me.

  Merryn

  I walk out the front door and close it behind me, struggling to hold the tears back that are once again pouring down my face.

  I just want to leave this place. I don’t want to be here anymore. Everything that’s in front of me makes me feel sick. Jake’s bike; the burned-up insides of his garage; even the narrow street we’re on, remembering walking with Jake to go to the grocery store. It’s like it’s all some terrible dream and I can’t seem to wake up.

  A car turns onto the street and approaches me, and it takes me a moment to realize that it’s my car. The one from PharmaChem. That blue Corolla has changed into a black Corolla, and the license plates have been switched out entirely. The car stops in front of me and the front door opens. A thin guy with glasses and a ponytail steps out. This must be Johnny.

  “You Merryn?” he asks.

  I wipe my eyes and nod, then walk over to him. My legs feels like Jell-o and these high heels are not helping. He steps aside as I climb into the front seat, putting my purse in the seat beside me. I reach over to grab the door handle and look up. Johnny’s giving me a sympathetic look and we lock eyes for a moment before I mutter, “Thanks,” and pull the door closed.

  I put the car into Drive and press on the gas and watch in the rear-view mirror as Johnny and everything else recedes in the distance. Reaching the end of the street I take a right and it all disappears. And now I’m free.

  But I don’t feel free. I just feel empty. Like a part of me has been left behind. I wish I could have explained to Jake what really happened. I wish he’d have given me the chance. But he was upset from the fight, and come to think about it, I should be too. I suppose the shock will hit me later. Then maybe I’ll finally feel something instead of just this void that’s drowning my soul.

  I think about the look on Jake’s face when he yelled at me to get out. When he hurled the beer bottle against the wall, shattering it. At the time it shocked me, but now I don’t blame him. If I had a beer bottle I would have done the same. Or maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I’d have just set it down and walked over to Jake and tried to explain everything.

  But would he listen to me? Emily did, so surely he’d be able to, too. But Emily is smarter, and Jake … well, he’s like an animal. He’s like something that runs on instinct, and that you think you know well, but will ultimately do whatever it wants. Do I really want that kind of a man in my life? Do I really need that in order to make me whole?

  I sigh.

  Yes. The answer is yes.

  The neighborhoods I pass through become cleaner and better maintained as I get closer to my own neighborhood.

  What am I doing now? Jake kicked me out. He told me to leave. So I’m going back to my old life. I’m going back and I’m leaving Jake and Emily behind. Is that really what I want? Will I be able to sit at my desk and be talked down to by Will for being the stupid little temp?

  At least Craig won’t be there. He’s either dead or in jail, or maybe even both. It’s funny. When I fired that shot I was doing it to save Jake, but ultimately I think I saved both of us. I wonder if that strength I found was a one-time thing or if I can do it again. Not every day, of course. Just if the situation arose.

  I see PharmaChem loom up in front of me and my heart beats hard in my chest. That building, once resembling a great opportunity, now just looks like a giant concrete prison. Evil things go on
in there, and I don’t care how much it holds up the economy. I reach the entrance to the underground parking and put on my blinker, turning to go in.

  It feels like a million years since I’ve been back here but I’m still able to remember the parking space. C32. I pull in and turn off the car, then grab my purse and get out, locking the doors remotely behind me.

  My high heels click loudly as I walk to the booth to give back the key. But when I reach the window that old man isn’t there and I see a little paper clock that says he’ll be back at 8:00am. Inside the booth there’s a clock telling me it’s 7:52am. My upper lip curls and I slam the key fob on the counter and leave it there, muttering to myself as I turn and walk to the elevators to take me up to my floor.

  When the doors ding open I walk out to see people just starting to come in. Some of them glance at me as I pass by, and those that do almost double-take. Concern marks their faces but I don’t care. I make my way through the halls and finally reach our office space. Then I walk over to my desk.

  I pull my chair back and slump down in it, putting my purse in its usual spot underneath. But as I do my hand brushes something and I hear a plastic crinkling noise. I furrow my brow and pull the thing it out. When I see it my breath stops short.

  It’s the plastic bag that Lindsay gave me back on the day I left for Jake’s. In it are the clothes I changed out of before the bar. Before I met Jake. Before all of this happened and my life flipped entirely upside-down.

  Suddenly I want to cry. I don’t want to be back here. This place feels like it’s smothering me. Sitting in front of a computer all day, placating a boss who doesn’t even like me and who’s going to fire me anyway? What the fuck am I doing here? Why the fuck don’t I just leave?

  Because there’s nothing else for me if I leave. Where else would I go? What else would I do? Jake’s voice in my head: So do something on your own. Why are you relying on somebody else to keep you alive? Do what you want instead.

  I let out a breath. Easier said than done, mister. But still, he did it. And he seemed to think that I could do it too. That was back before he even knew me, of course, but still … it’s promising to know that at least one person has faith in me.

  “Merryn!” comes Lindsay’s voice and I look over to see her put her purse down on her desk. Once she sees me, though, she stops where she is and her eyes open wide. “Oh my God Merryn … what happened?”

  I furrow my brow. Are my emotions that transparent on me? The last I told Lindsay things were going pretty well. That was before Craig tried to burn Jake’s shop to the ground. Lindsay quickly walks over to me.

  “Merryn … what happened to you? Do you know what you look like?”

  I realize I haven’t looked in a mirror since before the fight. Lindsay doesn’t wait for an answer. She grabs my hand and pulls me from my chair, taking me with her to the bathroom. When we get in and she puts me in front of the mirror, I can see why everybody was giving me strange looks earlier. My face is spattered with dirt and blood, and my hair is messed up and in knots. My blouse and skirt are ripped and dirty, and they look like I just came back from a game of football.

  “Merryn, what happened to you?” Lindsay asks.

  “I …” I start to say, but I don’t know where to begin. “I was part of a fight.”

  “Oh my God,” she says, shaking her head. “I wish I had something of mine you could wear.”

  I suddenly remember. “That bag of clothes that I left at your house. It’s under my desk.”

  “I’ll go get it,” she says, and like that she’s out the door. While she’s gone I lean in closer, taking a good look at my face, wondering whose blood it is that’s on my skin. I think Jake would appreciate how I look, and that thought makes my heart hurt even more.

  Lindsay returns with the bag of clothes and puts it on the counter. She brought her purse with her too. She unties the plastic bag and starts taking out clothes.

  “Here,” she says, handing them to me. “Wash your face and change into these, and tell me everything that happened.”

  The story starts out slow. I tell Lindsay everything from when we finished texting. About Jake and me on the couch, then the security alarm going off. When I heard the gunshots as I got dressed and how I came out to find Jake putting out a fire in his garage. Then how we went to the warehouse, found out it was Craig (Lindsay actually gasped when I told her that) and the gun fight that ensued. She gasped again when I told her how I shot Craig to save Jake.

  “Oh my God!” she says. “Is he all right?”

  “I don’t know,” I tell her. “And honestly, I don’t care. Craig could be dead right now and that would be fine by me.”

  Lindsay looks at me.

  “But Merryn … what if you go to jail for … murder?”

  And once again I shrug.

  “I don’t care. I feel like nothing matters anymore.”

  “… Because of Jake?”

  And I nod, finishing up the story with Jake yelling at me, and telling me that I’m dead to him. I’m all dressed now and Lindsay pulls some make-up out of her purse, giving me some to put on.

  “You know he didn’t mean that,” she says, and I look at her in the mirror as I apply the mascara. “Honestly. Everything you’ve told me so far about him? There’s no way he could have meant that. And besides, you didn’t do anything! You had no idea! It was Craig all along, he was the one who—”

  “Lindsay,” I cut her off. “It’s over, okay? I’ve accepted it. Jake and I are through and I just have to get back to my real life now. That is, if I don’t end up going to jail for killing Craig. Then I’ll just keep working here, for forever.”

  Lindsay is silent as I close the tube of mascara, then pick up a shade of lipstick. I put it on and take a look at myself in the mirror. There. I look normal now. Even though inside nothing could be further from the truth.

  “Thanks,” I say, handing Lindsay back her make-up. She takes it and puts it in her purse, and then we give each other a hug. I can feel myself threatening to cry but hold it back, knowing it would ruin the mascara she just gave me.

  “I hate to see you like this,” she says beside my ear and I nod.

  “I know. But I really appreciate your help. You’re the only one here I can really talk to.”

  We break off the hug and Lindsay gives me one last smile, and then we leave the bathroom and go back to our desks.

  I sit down, stowing the plastic bag now filled with bloody and dirty clothes out of sight. Just as I boot up my computer, though, the phone on my desk rings and I pick it up.

  “Merryn Welling—” I begin, but I’m cut off.

  “My office, now,” says the voice before the line disconnects. I pause a moment before hanging up the phone. Even though he didn’t say his name, I knew by the tone of voice that it was Will. My guess is he just found out about Craig at the warehouse. Now I’m either going to get yelled at or fired or arrested. Whatever. It doesn’t matter now. I push back from my desk and get up, wondering if the police will come here to take me to jail here or if I’ll have time to go home first. I have some houseplants that could probably use some water.

  I walk to Will’s office to find his door closed. Giving it a soft knock I turn the handle and walk in, but before I can take two steps I see what’s in front of me and freeze in my path.

  Craig stands beside his dad as Will sits at his desk. Where Will looks outraged, Craig has that cocky grin once again. His right hand hangs loosely by his side and I notice he’s not standing perfectly straight.

  “Door. Now,” Will says and I close the door behind me. I take a few steps in, thinking that maybe I’m seeing things. Is this a hallucination? Am I seeing Craig’s ghost right now?

  “Craig told me what happened,” Will says, throwing that theory out the window. “About how the two of you fucked up what was supposed to be a very simple operation.”

  “Dad, I—” Craig starts, but Will holds up a hand.

  “Quiet!” he barks, h
is eyes still on me. “I’m very disappointed in the two of you. Merryn, for failing in the first place. And Craig, for not being able to finish the job.”

  I blink at Will.

  “I … I’m sorry?”

  “The job!” he says. “Burning down the shop, getting that Jake character killed! But Craig tells me you turned on him and tried shooting him in the stomach? It was a good thing he agreed to wear that vest to the fight. Otherwise he’d just be another slab of meat in the morgue like the rest of those lowlifes.”

  This still isn’t making sense.

  “What … but the shop … Craig …”

  And Will rolls his eyes.

  “Jesus Christ, will you open that thick skull of yours for once, girl? I sent Craig to burn down the bike shop so we could finally take the building and lure those Chains out to die. Two birds, one stone, once you told him Jake was a part of them. But I thought my son would be able to perform this simple task. Both things, fucked up! He must have caught some of your stupidity by sticking his dick in you too much.”

  “But … the Bullets …” I say.

  “Who do you think runs the Bullets?” Will seethes. “It’s not those nitwits now. I would never give them control. No, in my day we had real people who wouldn’t hesitate to put their lives on the line for you.”

  It dawns on me: Will Silver. The Silver Bullet.

  “You started the Bullets?” I say.

  “Of course I started the Bullets!” Will says. “You want something in this town you can’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. Now, Merryn,” he looks in my eyes. “I know this may be asking for a miracle, but in all of this, were you at least able to get that paper signed by Jake?”

  “… No,” I say, thinking of the file folder still at Jake’s house. “I wasn’t. I left it there.”

  And Will nods his head.

  “Figures. Have to finish the job myself. Merryn, you’re fired. Now pack your things and leave. I’ve got some phone calls to make.”

  “You gonna send someone to break a few legs, Dad?” Craig asks.

  “No, you idiot,” Will snarls. “Fire’s the cleanest. But this time I’m not leaving anything to chance. Take out the apartment and the shop in one go. Leave nothing behind.”