Sin's Flower

by Carlene Love Flores

  “It’s okay. Hey, whatever it is, just tell me,” she said, aware she was nearly numb to the curse word he dropped like insignificant crumbs off the counter. She went ahead and smoothed the hair hanging in his face back without worrying whether he’d protest. His pain was too present not to feel some of it herself.

  He snorted up a full sounding sinus cavity of mucus and coughed. And then he nearly laughed at himself before slipping away from her back into his grief. “I really need you tonight,” he said plainly. She knew his seductive side intimately, and this wasn’t it. This was different, although she wouldn’t deny he still looked at her with immense longing.

  “All right…but,” she stuttered out. If some space was better for him, she had to offer it. “Don’t feel like I’m expecting anything. If you need to be alone I completely understand.”

  “Lily, I’m an alcoholic. I need someone to remind me why it would be a very stupid thing for me to go looking for a drink. You’re the only one I trust telling that.”

  She was proud of him and heartbroken for his struggle all at once.

  She flashed back to the night at his house when she’d wanted to make a wine sauce for a meal and astonishingly hadn’t found anything remotely close to containing alcohol. Crap, what if Lucky and Tris had liquor lying around or tucked into a cupboard somewhere? Should she run in and scour the place first? But then she risked waking the men and causing a scene. Gosh, how did he deal with being on the road and in a band known for its bad behavior and badly behaving crowds? An itch bugged her scalp and the muscles lining her brow bone tensed. It wasn’t much, but she offered what she could. “Hey, after we check on Maryella, I have something I think will make you feel better. Okay?”

  Jaxon nodded and followed her inside, still uncharacteristically slumped.

  The toast burnt her fingers but she knew the butter would melt best that way. A thin layer of strawberry jam came next. Lily had never served anyone else this go to stress reducer and never in a bathroom, but it went best with her tears, maybe it would go with the ones Jaxon looked to be holding in. She set the toast on a small plate and handed it over to him on the toilet seat. Relief poured through her that she hadn’t crashed and banged around with her arms full of bread, butter, jam and a few utensils, and the toaster, from the kitchen to the bathroom.

  He bit down. “Thanks.”

  “Welcome. Always makes me feel better. So I just figured…”

  He sniffed and she tried to look away because watching him avoid his feelings the past couple hours was turning her to emotional mush. Her magical toast might do wonders to boost her sad times, but it was just strawberry toast to him. He’d been very accommodating to sit there and eat it while she watched.

  “So, Maryella was sleeping soundly. You know, she’s a great little kid. I’ve really enjoyed my time with her.”

  Sometimes hiding your feelings just took too much work. When Jaxon’s head hit his forearms, she knew he was dead tired from it. She grabbed his plate just as it teetered on his lap and threatened to smash to the ground.

  “Lily, we have to be sure of what we’re doing by the time your sister comes home with the baby. I’ll stay as long as I can but I can’t promise how long that will be.”

  A thought she’d been tossing back and forth all evening solidified at his words. “I agree. You go be with Maryella. I’m going to go spend some time with Grace.”

  She cleaned up the crumbs into the sink, bundled her arms with her supplies and let him open the door for her. “Really?” he asked dumbfounded.

  After laying a kiss on his cheek, she assured him. “I have questions and I’ve come to realize you don’t have the answers, Jaxon. That’s okay.” She kissed his cheek again. “Maybe Grace does. You think you’re not a good friend, but you are. And I know how hard it will be for you to hurt Tris by being with me out in the open when she comes home. If I can figure out why Tris is so against us being together, I can at least try and fix it so we don’t feel like we have to hide.”

  She didn’t miss the way he worried his fingers along the silver zippers of his pants as she got up to leave.

  * * * *

  Here he’d found Lily, the perfect woman for both him and his daughter, only he’d have to steal her away from someone he’d already wounded in order to have her in their life. Life wasn’t just unfair, it was cruel.

  Grace. It all boiled down to whether or not Trissy had ever confided in her grandmum about their vile night.

  In a matter of seconds, the memories shot through his mind, clawing to be seen and acknowledged. He flipped up the toilet lid just in time and heaved. All he could see when he opened his bulging eyes were the pink chunks of Lily’s strawberry toast.

  He should have told her the truth then and there in the bathroom.

  She was on a mission to get answers and if she got them from anyone but him, he knew this little thing he’d started with her would be done. His excruciating headache plummeted to his heart.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Grace’s flat took on an entirely different feel now that she was back. The potted plants lining her windowsill perked up, like the cold winter was of no consequence now that their mama was back. Grace took up her spot, petite and solid, at the kitchenette’s sink, petting the ivy’s leaves as Lily sat on the loveseat.

  Lily admired Grace as she tended to the smaller details that the younger generations let slide and slide and slide until they became too small to see. The doilies setting here and there, ready to host dishes or knick-knacks or just look pretty were her favorite. The white lace reminded her of being a little girl and learning to sew. She wondered if Grace and her momma had been close. With the way Tris’s father had died so suddenly, and then how quickly Momma had married Daddy, she wasn’t sure if Grace had any ill feelings that her daughter-in-law had moved on too fast. Lily wished her relationship with Grace felt as easy as it looked. Maybe someday they’d be closer. For now, Lily at least trusted she’d get the no-nonsense truth in this modest dwelling.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been doing some sewing in here while you’ve been gone. I even tried teaching Jaxon. I hope we didn’t disturb it very much.”

  “Oh, it’s no problem. I’m glad the place was of use.”

  Interesting. Grace didn’t seem too concerned over the lessons. “You know, I’m surprised Jaxon didn’t try to hideout in your flat this whole time. There were a couple heated dinners over in the main house.”

  Grace offered Lily a quilt and a throw pillow. “Here you go dear. One thing’s for sure is no one made much use of the space heaters.” She took her own set of quilts with her to the bed and turned up a small portable heating unit before sitting and tucking her slippered feet beneath her. “Lily, you used the words ‘hide out’. I suspect that means you have an understanding of Jaxon’s situation, maybe more so than you think. And with that understanding, no, dear, I’m not surprised.”

  The woman didn’t mince words and tiptoeing around what she wanted to know would tire them both sooner than later. “Grace, you’re right. I do know enough to get why Jaxon feels uncomfortable in the main house. With all those years he stayed away from his dad and uncle and then especially after Maryella was born. I sense he’s got a ton of guilt over that.”

  Grace nodded and rubbed cream from a rosy colored, palm-sized pot into her crinkled skin. She offered some to Lily. “Thank you, that smells wonderful. Like roses.” They both smelled their fingers at the same time and smiled.

  “So it sounds like you’ve had a chance to get to know Jaxon. That’s good. I’ve always felt bad for that young man. He could use a friend now that Trista Jeane has found Lucky.”

  “You speak surprisingly well of him.”

  “Why does that surprise you, dear?”

  “Um, I guess because he looks like…”

  “Like he’s here to cause trouble?” Grace chuckled. “The first time Trista Jeane brought Jaxon to my old trailer park, I had to spend three weeks vouching t
hat he hadn’t robbed me blind or snuck out with any of the neighbors’ precious lawn decorations. So silly. That was about fifteen years ago. Do you know that every year he’d visit, I’d have to go over the same complaints and questions with the same old ninnies? Of course it would have helped if he’d let me brag about all the nice things he did for them at night when he couldn’t sleep. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a young man in his ripped up pants kneeling by a plastic Easter bunny pulling weeds after midnight, in a seniors' trailer park.” She stopped to take a breath and have a chuckle. “But he asked me nicely to zip my lips about it so I did.”

  “That’s very sort of sad and funny all at the same time. He has gotten a few odd looks the days we’ve gone to the dress shop together. Hmm, I guess I never really thought of it because I don’t think of him as a…”

  “As a bad guy?” Grace asked with her soft, thinning eyebrows raised just so.

  “Right. He’s not a bad guy at all. He’s wonderful.”

  “Lily dear, you are welcome to stay out here and chit-chat with me; it’s why I offered earlier tonight. But I am surprised that you’ve taken me up on it. Especially now.”

  “What do you mean, Grace?”

  “One of these days you’re going to realize that you have a good knack for answering your own questions.” Grace smiled. “A young man who values his privacy has helped you out at the shop. I bet you if I walked the perimeter of my garden, there’d be less weeds and debris in my flower pots. You said yourself you don’t see him as a bad guy and obviously his less than traditional looks haven’t caused you to judge him unfairly. Yet you’re here with me instead of with him.”

  Lily was genuinely shocked to hear that coming from such a moral and sound woman. There, she answered her own question again. If sound and moral Grace thought she was fine staying with Jaxon, why in the world wasn’t she? Because. Her confusion didn’t lie with Jaxon or Grace, it was tangled around her sister.

  “You’re absolutely right. I do want to be with Jaxon. But there is a reason I came to talk to you, Grace. And I honestly don’t believe I have this answer.”

  “Well what is it, dear?”

  “Do you have any idea why Tris is so against Jaxon and I being together? She all but transforms into Medusa with her stony looks whenever we’re in the same room. Those glares are never for me though. They’re always for Jaxon. It makes me feel so bad for him. But I owe Tris so much. And Lucky, and you too. You all are the last people I want to upset, especially Tris. I just don’t understand. And, now that I’ve gotten to know Jaxon, it’s really mind-baffling. I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on what Tris’s beef is with him. It’s like she’s so happy he came out but can’t wait to see him leave sometimes.”

  Grace rubbed the pads of her thumbs into the pads of her pointer fingers and then folded her hands, letting them rest gently over her quilted lap. “If I knew for sure, I would do my best to help you figure this out, Lily. But all I have are my own guesses. And you know what happens when you plant a rumor weed.”

  “What happens?”

  “It grows. If I knew anything behind Trista Jeane’s behavior for sure, I’d tell you. And I don’t. Which means it could be too hard for her to have shared with me.”

  “Right.” Lily let out a loud sigh.

  “You really care about him, don’t you, dear?”

  “Grace, I respect you so I will be completely honest. Jaxon and I are in a relationship, of some sort. It’s very new and so far I feel like I’m stumbling through it. But, yes, I already care deeply about him. That’s why I’m out here. I have to figure out how to make this all work. I don’t wanna upset the family I just barely got back but I also don’t like having to hide how happy I am with Jaxon. Maybe it really is just Tris being the over protective, big sister.”

  “Lily, listen to me, very closely. You and I both know about the dark places your sister has come through. God bless her soul.” Grace seemed to eyeball her at that.

  Lily nodded, wondering at the sudden stare, and then leaned in and listened intently to Grace. In such close proximity, Lily picked up on the earthy notes of soil and wood mixed with the creamy rose and she took as much of it in as she could.

  “I believe Jaxon was able to be that kind of rare friend to Trista Jeane all those years because his soul was suffering too. How else could he have stood by? Hmm? But Trista Jeane has Lucky now. Lucky, who has brought a special light to her life. You remind me a lot of Lucky. Maybe your sister is afraid Jaxon’s darkness could block out your light, dear.”

  “Well, I never thought of it that way. But Grace, maybe what Lucky has been for Tris, I could be for Jaxon. Why can’t she see it that way?”

  Grace stood and huddled herself in her thickest housecoat. “I don’t know. But you’re exactly right. Which is why I am walking you back over to Jaxon now. People have to be together to figure these things out. I have faith that you will.” Her thin, cold lips left a tender, warm kiss on Lily’s cheek.

  “Thank you, Grace,” she said, slightly stunned.

  “Lily, I’m always here for you. I don’t suppose Jaxon is the only one dealing with guilt.”

  Lily didn’t have to ask to know that Grace referred to taking Tris away from her and Jack when they were too little to understand why. “For the record, you have nothing to feel guilty about where I’m concerned, Grace. I am eternally grateful for what you did for my sister,” she said into Grace’s short, dark pageboy hair while hugging her close.

  Grace nodded and then kindly told her to get her tush in gear; it was cold outside.

  A spring took up in her step that would rival any rosy-cheeked, jolly old elfas she and Grace shuffled quickly back to the house. The odds were definitely in her favor now. She was two for two in the “It’s just Tris being your over protective big sister” column. That, she decided, she could live with. It didn’t hurt that she seemed to have Grace on her side.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  One o’clock in the morning. Well, Jaxon had bugged Benny at worse hours for much more trivial things.

  He kissed Maryellie on the cheek, propped her koala back under her tiny fingers and got up to leave the nursery. He made a stop in Lily’s room. His toe caught on the bottom of the quilt he’d burrito wrapped her in, making him miss her even more. How amazing was she that he was sleeping on floors without pillows and blankets to be with her? Pretty damn amazing. Knowing she was there for him helped the pain dull.

  As he was passing the dresser by the door, he noticed a few small photos lying scattered on top. He didn’t know what he thought he might find. Honestly, it was his desire to feel closer to her, to discover what kinds of things she liked to surround herself with so that maybe he could provide her those same types of things. Her closet door opened without a screech. The sight warmed his heart. He’d never seen so much space between the hangers in a woman’s closet. She might have had ten items hanging, max.

  One pair of jeans was pushed furthest back. Four pair of sweat pants, not the sexy ones with words scribbled across the butts in flirty colors, but thick, heavy and dark instead, weighed down their hangers. The other few bits were the matching tops to the dreary pants. Folded on the top shelf looked to be tee shirts. Oh, look at that, three whole pair of shoes and not a stiletto among them.

  It made him wonder if this simple, bare bones style was really her or if it was the woman she’d had to be when she’d fled her ex in Oklahoma. That tiny bit saddened him but soon, he realized the minimalistic sense of the closet, the nearly bare room except for the bed and the dresser, might mean she hadn’t really laid down roots here. At least not in this home. It still wasn’t his intent to take her from her sister, but it sure as hell convinced him he was finding them a place nearby of their own. It would take too long for Lucky to build something and Jaxon’s heart raced with impatience at the thought of complete privacy, with Lily.

  Now he had a valid reason to go wake Benny. Jaxon needed to borrow his laptop.
r />   “Hey Benny, you awake?”

  “No,” he grumbled out.

  “I need to borrow your laptop. Just tell me where it is and I’ll get it. You don’t have to get up. Where is it, mate?” He gave the big foot hanging off the end of the bed a flick.

  “Ow. I have to sign on. Password.”

  “Just tell me what it is. I can do it.”

  “Unh. I’m up. I’ll get it.” Benny flopped over then crawled to his gargantuan sized backpack.

  “Your choice.”

  Jaxon watched and waited patiently as his webmaster finagled the familiar rectangular black hunk of folded machinery out from his backpack. When it was opened, Jaxon stepped closer so he could take over as soon as Benny signed in. He hadn’t meant to be spying but the poor guy’s predictability was both charming and sad. “Your password is Erby? Mate, you are devoted to that girl like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

  “Whatever. Here.”

  Benny started to lie back down but Jaxon wasn’t sure which web browser to use. Geez, there were too many choices. All he needed was to crash Benny’s system. Even his non-techy ass knew that would be catastrophic.

  “I guess I’m not that tired. What are we looking for boss?”

  He decided to let the name calling slide this time. “Homes in this area for sale.”

  “Uh, okay, is there something you need to tell me? Like as in, I need to find another job because Sin Pointe is about to be minus their leader? You would give me the heads up right?”

  “Benny, your job is safe, mate. Nothing’s happening with Sin Pointe. That’s the problem actually. That’s why we’re finding a place to live out here.”

  “I know I’m sleep deprived most days and have been for the last decade, but I’m not following, boss.”

  “Well, the leader of the band might be ready for a change of scenery. A new playground. I’m hoping Nashville is a big enough enticement to convince the rest of the guys to move our sandbox out here. What do you think? Had enough of Rock Star, California?”