Nurse in Recovery

by Dianne Drake

  “One more, Anna…” One more rung. She grabbed it, her hands aching as she fought to hang on, and pulled herself up until she was finally there. Then she dragged herself onto the cement on her belly, grabbing frantically at the smooth surface to hold on once she was there. No breath left in her lungs…Can’t get it in!

  Panic attacked her again. Can’t breathe…Can’t…Need Mitch! Suffocating! Lying face down, Anna raised her head, trying to find her next breath, trying to find Mitch. But he wasn’t there…not above the water. Only his arm, still tied to the ladder. The rest of him was gone!

  “Oh, my God!” she sputtered, pulling herself to the edge of the pool. All thoughts of panic abruptly dissolved as she leaned back into the water and pulled Mitch up. It could have only been for a second, she told herself. And he was still breathing.

  Thank God his trunks had held him in place.

  “This is going to be really tough,” she said to him. “And I really wish I could get you warm right now, but I can’t, Mitch, and I’m so sorry.” Realistically, she couldn’t pull him out either. There was nothing to which she could anchor herself. And she was so winded, exhausted, cold. Hypothermia now taking a toll and she was getting drowsy. “Won’t leave you,” she said weakly.

  If she went inside to call for help he’d slip back under and this time surely drown. But if she didn’t, if she sat here with him for hours, days until somebody realized something was wrong, he’d die. They’d both die.

  Shutting her eyes, Anna tried visualizing the situation. Mitch in the water, caught halfway between floating and sinking. And her on the edge of the pool, able to save herself and not him. Still holding on to him, still fighting to keep him above the water as much as she could, Anna glanced down the length of his body. It was everything she’d imagined, and more. But this wasn’t the way she wanted to see him naked…

  Naked!

  “This will work, Mitch. Too bad you’re not awake to see it.” Still holding on to him with one hand, Anna stripped out of her suit with the other, wiggling it down past her toes an inch at a time. When it was off she twisted around, grabbed it and let go of Mitch for a few seconds, long enough to slip the leg over his head just as he was beginning to slip under the water again. Once his head was through, she pushed the suit down on him until his head was poking out the top, between the two straps. “It’s going to work, Mitch, but I’ve got to let you go again, just for a few seconds.” She did, just long enough to tie the swimsuit straps to the top rung of the ladder. It was stretchy material, and the rung was a foot above the water surface, so she tugged until Mitch was in a chin strap of sorts. His head was suspended above the surface, the rest of him floating up and down. She hoped he wouldn’t drown, or get throttled. But this was all she could do. The only way to save him.

  “I know it’s not very comfortable, but you’ll be safe until I get back. And I’m coming right back, Mitch. As soon as I call for help, I promise. So hang on. Please, don’t die…” Anna spied her chair a quarter of the way around the pool from where she was, and she knew the fastest way to get to it would be back into the water. On the cement, as she was now, pulling herself naked all the way around would take forever. But in the water, her body didn’t weigh her down. So she slid back in, gave Mitch a kiss.

  “I love you,” she said. “Like I’ve never loved anybody before. And I know that comes with all sorts of problems, but I have to say it. And somewhere in that fog you’re in, I hope you can hear me. I love you, Mitch Durant, and I’m going to take care of you.” Anna gave Mitch another brief kiss, then began pulling herself along the side of the pool. Amazing how much lighter she felt. Amazing how easy it was to hoist her weight back up to the side then on into her wheelchair. For Mitch. Only, and always, for Mitch.

  She was so close to saving him now. She wouldn’t fail him. And she wouldn’t fail herself. She owed that to them both.

  Twenty minutes later, when the rescue team arrived, Anna was floating in the pool holding on to Mitch. Topless, she was wearing his trunks, cradling him to her breast, talking to him. She was still talking when they lifted him from the pool, then lifted her out. And she didn’t quit talking until they reached the hospital and Bonsi ordered the trauma room for Mitch, stat.

  “You want to come?” he asked Anna, handing her a scrub top and taking away the now waterlogged blanket the paramedics had given her to cover herself. She was still on the stretcher, soaking wet and shaking from cold.

  “You couldn’t stop me.” With that, Anna swung her legs to the floor, pushed herself up and stood on her own, then took two independent steps before she fell into the hospital-issue wheelchair. “You couldn’t stop me,” she repeated.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “HE REALLY wants to see you,” Sunny said, sitting down at the table with Anna. The campus pub was Anna’s favorite place to go now, and now she was staring at the damned pizza without an appetite to eat it. “It’s been a week, sweetie, and you still haven’t gone in to visit him. And he keeps asking for you, Anna.”

  “I’m not ready.” Not ready to see Mitch, not ready to deal with all the emotions. She loved Mitch more than anything else in this world, and the day he’d almost died had been the day she’d finally admitted that to herself. Almost losing him, and almost not saving him—it only confirmed what she’d told him before, that he needed more than her. Much more. “I’m going to that rehab facility in New Jersey,” Anna said. “The one Kyle recommended. Next week. It’s time to get away, find another life for myself.”

  “Like running away’s going to solve anything,” Sunny hissed. “I’ve seen you through a lot of things, always been there for you. But not this, Anna. Not anymore. That man loves you and you’re turning your back on the best thing that’s ever going to happen to you.”

  “That’s the problem—he loves me.”

  “Oh, and you think you’re not good enough for him? That Mitch is so petty he can’t love someone in a wheelchair. Is he like that, Anna? Petty, intolerant, mean, narrow—”

  “No!” Anna snapped. “Of course not. Just the opposite, which is why I’ve got to leave. I can’t be the person he needs.”

  “And you get to decide that for him?” Sunny shook her head. “Meaning what Mitch wants doesn’t count for anything? Gee, where have I heard that before? Oh, that’s right. Your number-one complaint for the last nine months. Everybody’s making decisions for me. So what you’re saying is it’s not OK for somebody to make your decisions, but it’s OK for you to make decisions for other people?”

  “He’d be stuck with me, Sunny. OK? Stuck. Right now it’s fine. He’s got this notion that nothing will matter because he loves me, but someday he’ll realize what he’s gotten himself into, that I’ll never be…totally able. Then he’ll either leave, or stay out of pity or obligation, and spend the rest of his life hating me. But I don’t want that. Not for me, and especially not for Mitch.” Anna shoved the pizza across the table and started inching over toward her wheelchair. All this time with Mitch and she’d been gradually climbing out of those valleys. Now she was back in the valley, the lowest one ever, and she didn’t care if she never got out. Didn’t matter if she did. Mitch was going to be OK. In fact, he was no worse for his trauma. A concussion, but other than that he was doing marvelously, according to Sunny and Lanli and her dad and Bonsi. So, good for Mitch. He could go back to his bowls and she’d go to New Jersey. End of story…their story.

  “You saved his life!” Sunny exclaimed. “Hasn’t that sunk in yet? He needed you in a way most people would never need someone else, and you didn’t let him down, sweetie.” Her voice softened. “You would have died out there, holding on to that man. Died for him, Anna. And he knows that.”

  “So I love him. I’m not denying it. But it’s not enough. I’m not enough. And he almost died because I wasn’t enough.” That was the ugly truth that had hit her when the shock of the accident had worn off. It wasn’t about the success. It was about the failure. “Whatever I thought I was goi
ng to become, wherever I thought I was headed, it’s all a joke. A big, fat joke on me, and I can’t live in that artificial world again.”

  “So you’re giving up?”

  “Not giving up. Just giving in, going away, starting over with what I have.”

  Sunny scooted out of the booth. “Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t have that attitude when Mitch was drowning because he’d be dead, wouldn’t he? And he’s not, which proves you’re wrong. But I’m through babying you, Anna. I felt guilty because I asked you to stay that night, and if I hadn’t this wouldn’t have happened to you. And I’m sorry. I’ll always be sorry. But I can’t take it anymore. You’re about to throw away everything, and I’m not going to hang around and watch you do it. If you go to New Jersey, don’t bother calling me.”

  Sunny walked away, leaving Anna there alone, staring at the uneaten pizza.

  “So is this where I tell you that quitting, like you’re about to do, means your successes don’t count for anything—that the ones who get better, like me, don’t count?”

  Her own words, and he was using them against her. Anna looked up at Mitch. Except for the patch on his forehead covering the stitches, he looked good. A little pale, maybe a bit thinner, but good overall. No bad effects showing.

  “I thought you were still supposed to be in the hospital.”

  “Checked myself out, AMA.”

  “Against medical advice? That’s not very smart, Mitch. You’re a doctor. You know better.”

  “And running away is smart?” He scooted in beside her, actually pushing her back into the booth since she’d been on her way out.

  “I’m going to a rehab facility. That’s not exactly running away.”

  “Yes, it is, especially when you’ve been doing so well here. And what you’re running away from is me, and the way I feel about you…and the way you feel about me.”

  Anna scooted all the way to the wall so their shoulders weren’t touching. Even now just the slightest brush of him set her on fire, and that was something she couldn’t afford. Not anymore. She’d given this plan some long, hard thought in the days since his accident. Yes, she was in love with him. But it wouldn’t work. Her disability was part of her, and it was shaping her life now. It wasn’t fair to draw someone else into it—someone who expected an equal, deserved an equal. She wasn’t an equal, and that day in the pool had proved it. “I’m just doing what I need to do, Mitch. What’s best for me.”

  “And what about me?” he asked bluntly. “Where do I fit into this?”

  “Nowhere. For a minute I actually deluded myself that you and me…that we…You’ve got expectations of me, Mitch. Expectations that I can’t fulfill.” And she did so want to for him—wanted to so much that it was breaking her heart.

  “Expectations that you have already fulfilled, Anna, if you’ll let yourself see that.”

  “You, better than anybody, know what I am,” she argued. “And what I’m not.”

  “And I know the amazing things you can do.”

  “The wheelchair…”

  He shook his head. “No big deal. I mean, it’s not like that’s something you’re springing on me out of the blue.”

  “But men don’t—”

  “I know the old hospital saying. Men don’t stay, women do. And that may be the case. God knows, I’ve seen it enough. He walks out on her when she’s had an accident or serious illness, but she stays by his side if he’s the one who’s been incapacitated. Believe me, I’ve seen it. And I’ve got to tell you that at first, when I was trying to come to terms with falling in love with you, that thought did cross my mind. But the difference is, I wanted to stay. I did stay. Then—now. I’m not leaving you, Anna. I know the peaks and valleys—about us, about you, and even about me. And none of it matters.” He leaned over, touching her cheek with a light kiss. “Neither does the chair. I know that’s what you’re afraid of. But don’t be, because I’m not.”

  “I want to believe you, Mitch. But…”

  “Then believe. It’s as simple as that. As simple as me believing what you said that day I was in the pool. I heard you, you know. Heard you when you promised you wouldn’t leave me. And I knew you wouldn’t. And that’s my promise to you, Anna. I won’t leave you. I can’t.” Mitch drew in a ragged breath and let it out slowly. “I heard all your words, Anna. When I was dying, they were my lifeline, they kept pulling me back. And now I’ve got to pull you back…back to me. Yes, I do have expectations and hopes and dreams for you, for me, for us. And you’ve met them, even exceeded them. I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you. Believe me, I wasn’t looking for it, and it had nothing to do with your wheelchair, and everything to do with me running away from the things that scared me, the things I didn’t feel equal to, the things I thought I was going to become, the places I thought I was headed. And you may think you’ve been living in an artificial world, but I was already there, and I knew the punchline of that joke. I was the one who wasn’t enough.

  “But there you were, and I tried arguing myself out of it. It wouldn’t go away, though. Yeah, I tried to make it go away. And that didn’t have a damn thing to do with your disability, or how far you’d go, in or out of a chair. Didn’t even have anything to do with the fact that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. That first day you were sitting there, so scared and defiant and ready to whip me if you could. And I knew how that felt. Knew it more than I realized, actually. Then I saw that spark in you. Even after everything you’d been through I saw it. It didn’t die, Anna, and that spark had such passion. Hell, I really wanted to walk away, believe me.” He chuckled. “And you would have been glad to shove me out that door. But I would have been back. I knew that even before our first kiss. I needed that spark in my life, I needed you. And you were—are that spark.”

  Mitch leaned his head back against the booth, closing his eyes. “I needed you,” he repeated, his voice shaky.

  “Mitch, are you OK?” Anna asked anxiously, instinctively feeling his wrist for a pulse. It was strong, steady, just like Mitch.

  “Headache. Still a little woozy.”

  “You should be in the hospital, and you know that. And I’m taking you right back there.”

  “We should be in the hospital, Anna. Both of us. That’s one of the big battles I’ve been fighting. The more I was around you and saw how your passion for medicine never died, the more I wanted some of that back for myself. I used to love what I did, and working with you made me love it again, but in a different way. Last time my ego got the better of me. If I couldn’t cure them all, I wanted out. Perfection or nothing. But it’s not about the perfection, and with you I’ve recognized that the cure is so much more than learning to walk again. It’s about learning to be a whole person, which I wasn’t until I met you. And, yeah, the ego in me wanted all my patients to walk away happy, but the reality was, and is, that didn’t happen before and won’t happen now. It doesn’t mean they can’t find their lives again and, more than that, be happy in them.”

  He rubbed his forehead, leaning over against Anna. “We have a life, Anna, and it’s together. And guess what? Neither of us is perfect, but that’s OK, because we’ll still be happy. Izzy gave me permission once to love you. Now I’m giving us permission to go on from there.”

  “I was so scared that day,” Anna said, tears on the edge of her voice. “And all I keep thinking about is how I almost let you…” The tears finally slipped. “You deserve more, Mitch.”

  “Most of the time you are more.” He laughed, then immediately grabbed his head. “More than I can handle.” Pulling Anna into his arms, he said, “I love you, too, by the way. I didn’t get a chance to say it that day, as I was unconscious. But I do love you, and you’re the bravest person I’ve ever known. And if you’re hell-bent on going to New Jersey, I’m going with you because I intend having you in my life for the rest of my life, and, yes, that’s my decision. Yours, too, I hope.”

  Anna pushed Mitch away fr
om her. “Get out,” she said, brushing away her tears with a paper napkin.

  “What?”

  “The booth. Just get out, OK?”

  “You’re kidding, right? You really want me to—”

  “Get out, Mitch. I mean it.”

  Shrugging, he slid out of the seat then looked back at Anna. “But I really thought we were…”

  Anna heard the words, but she really wasn’t listening to them. Never did when she was concentrating, and right now she was concentrating like she never had before—concentrating on pushing herself to the edge of her seat, to the edge of her new life. Even without Mitch, this past week she’d worked—worked harder than ever, hoping to show him what she could do, not sure she ever would.

  “Anna?”

  She didn’t look up at him yet. Couldn’t. He would distract her. So instead she focused on swinging her legs over the side of the bench seat into the aisle. Once her feet were planted firmly on the floor, she pushed herself up. Slow, ungraceful, but she was standing up. All by herself.

  “Anna,” Mitch gasped.

  All the way up, her back straight, Anna let go of the table that had steadied her and stood by herself. Then, after sucking in a deep breath, she moved two steps forward, then another and threw her arms around his neck. “I’ve always wanted to do that,” she said, holding on to him for dear life. “Stand toe to toe with you.”

  “Anna,” he repeated, too stunned to find any more words.

  But Anna found them for him. “Now that I’m standing toe to toe with you, think we could go back to my place and try it horizontally? You still owe me a skinny dip, you know, and after that day in the pool, I think I’ve earned it.”

  EPILOGUE