by Claire Raye
And even though the bar is crowded and loud, it’s different. Here I’m separated by the bar, a wooden barrier that prevents anyone from getting too close, from accidentally touching me or getting in my face. And the noise is something I’m used to, something that feels familiar, even here on the other side of the country.
But at the same time, I know she wants to go to this party, that it’s kind of the first time she and I are going to go anywhere as a couple in front of people she knows.
“Dude,” Adam says, nudging me as he flicks a glance at Ruby. “Get out of here. We’ve got this, seriously.”
I throw the towel over my shoulder, glancing around as the rest of the staff all move about, serving customers and getting things done. I know the place won’t fall apart without me.
“You sure?” I ask, letting out a breath.
Adam grins. “Yes! Go be with your girl. I’ll see you later.”
I nod, before holding up a finger to Ruby telling her to give me a second before I disappear back to the office to grab my things. In the quietness of the back room, I stop for a second, take a deep breath as I mentally try to remind myself that I’m okay, that I’m safe, that I’ve got nothing to be afraid of anymore, before walking out and joining Ruby.
“Ready to go?” I ask, taking her hand.
She smiles up at me, leaning up to kiss my lips, a wave of comfort washing over me at her touch. “Yep.”
We head outside and make our way toward home, neither of us talking as the sounds of a college town on a Friday night surround us. Even though it’s almost December, it’s warmer than I’m used to and it’s still a shock to see so many people outside when it’s almost winter.
“So where is this party again?” I eventually ask.
“Couple doors down from Reid’s place,” Ruby says, air-quoting the Reid’s place part because we both know he basically lives with us now. Something that will soon be official when his lease ends. “Do you want to take a shower before we head over?” she asks.
I lift my arm to my nose and sniff. “I don’t know. Do I need to?”
Ruby laughs, turning herself into me as she presses her nose against my chest and inhales deeply. I watch as she lets it out slowly, a low groan falling from her mouth at the same time. “Nope, you’re all good,” she says.
I grin, wrapping my arm around her shoulder as I pull her closer. “How is it that you can make smelling me look sexy?” I ask, kissing the top of her head.
Ruby shrugs, her arm sliding around my waist. “A gift, I guess.”
I can hear the party before we even reach the house, the sounds of music and people yelling and laughing, spilling out into the night air. As we approach, I notice crowds of people spilling out of the front door and onto the front lawn, the music blaring and the lights bright.
I feel Ruby squeeze my hand as she takes it in hers and when I glance down, she’s looking at me with a concerned expression on her face. “You okay?”
I force a smile, even though I already know this is the last place I want to be. But as much as I hate it, I know I need to do this, not just for her but also for me. I need to try and get my life back, try and be normal again.
“Yep, I’m good.”
Ruby stares at me for a few seconds. “We can go whenever you want, okay?”
I lift our joined hands to my mouth, pressing a kiss to the back of hers. “I’m good,” I tell her, even as I can feel my heartbeat kick up a notch, tapping out a hard rhythm against my ribs.
“Caleb!” Reid suddenly yells as he comes barreling through the front door, Sienna close behind. He walks over and throws his arms around Ruby and me, pulling us close as he laughs and says, “About time you got here.”
I slap his back once, knowing he’s a little drunk right now, just like everyone else at the party. “Some of us have to work and be responsible,” I say jokingly.
Reid waves my comment away as he points toward the house. “Come on, let’s get you a drink.”
Ruby and I follow him and Sienna back inside the house. Almost as soon as I walk through the front door, I know this is a mistake. The room is filled with people, everyone jostling and yelling, with barely any room to move. It’s hot too. And loud. Music is blaring from two huge speakers in the living room, the unmistakable smell of beer, bodies and weed, filling the air.
Ruby squeezes my hand again as we follow Reid toward the kitchen. He seems to carve a path through the crowd that lets us slip through, Sienna between Reid and me and Ruby at my back.
Just as we reach the kitchen though, someone is shoved, the body crashing into mine and nearly knocking me off my feet. Ruby’s hand tightens in mine as I steady myself, my heart pounding as anxiety prickles my skin.
Fuck.
I really don’t want to be here.
“I’ve got you.” Ruby’s voice is calm and soothing, her breath warm against my ear as she places her other hand against my back and gently pushes me into the kitchen where there’s a little more room.
I move toward the corner, turning so I’m facing the room as I pull Ruby against me. Reid hands us both a beer, tapping his bottle against mine before taking a long pull.
I do the same, relishing the cold liquid as it slides down my throat. As I lower my head, I catch a glimpse of my sister watching me from beside Reid.
“Are you okay?” she mouths.
I nod, wrapping my arm around Ruby as I pull her so her back is against my chest, almost like a shield against the rest of the room. Reid leans on the counter beside me, his shoulder almost touching mine as though in reassurance, Sienna beside him as they both start to talk to people hanging around us.
Inside, my body feels like it’s going haywire, as though every nerve is firing, but not in a good way, misfiring almost. My heart continues to pound in my chest, which now feels tight, as though wrapped in a vice. I feel my skin heat, a light sweat breaking out and making me feel clammy.
The room feels impossibly hot, the noise so loud I can barely hear what anyone around me is saying. In front of me, Ruby and Sienna are deep in conversation, their heads close as they talk, while Reid is distracted by some of his teammates.
Suddenly the song blaring from the stereo changes, the pop music getting cut off and replaced by something heavier, something that has a deep pounding base that I feel all the way to my bones. It feels like the whole house is shaking, the windows rattling as everything starts to feel louder, closer, and more and more oppressive.
I feel trapped, desperate to escape, to get away from all of these people and noise, to walk outside and suck in a lungful of the cold night air.
I glance around, searching for a way out. Bodies fill my vision, people laughing and shouting, lights that are too bright, doing nothing to mask the way everyone is packed in here.
I take another sip of my beer, desperately needing something, anything, to calm down.
But it doesn’t work, the feeling of the room closing in on me continuing.
Then without warning, the song changes again, a loud crashing sound coming through the speakers and making me flinch.
“Are you okay?” Ruby’s voice sounds at my ear, her hand resting on my chest over my pounding heart that she has to be able to feel.
I shake my head.
“Come on, come with me,” she says, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from the noise and out toward a small laundry off the kitchen and through the back door.
As soon as I step outside, I take a deep breath, my lungs filling with air. Closing my eyes, I force myself to stop, to stand still as I take another deep breath.
I can feel Ruby’s hand against my back, moving in slow circles as she stands close, her body pressed against mine. She doesn’t say anything, almost as though she knows I just need the silence right now, even as the sounds of the party still reach us.
After a few minutes, I open my eyes and see we are standing on a small patio area. I move toward the railing, leaning back against it just as Reid and Sienna walk outsid
e.
“You okay?” Reid asks, concern in his voice and sounding far more sober than earlier.
I nod, wishing I was, but knowing I’m so far from okay, it’s not funny. I have no idea how I’m supposed to go back in there, how I’m supposed to stop myself from freaking the fuck out.
Reid gives me a tight smile, an expression on his face that says he understands everything I’m not saying as he glances quickly at Sie before turning back to me. “This party blows. Let’s head home and have a few beers there, yeah?”
Ruby’s arm slips around my waist, pulling me closer and I hear Sie say, “Totally. Way too many people here.”
I want to apologize, to tell them I’m sorry and that they should stay. But I can’t get the words out and so without saying another word, I turn and follow them off the back patio, Ruby beside me, unknowingly supporting me as the four of us walk back home.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ruby
There are some things we’ll learn as we go and large crowds outside of Caleb’s job will be one of those things we won’t be able to do. We know the sound of squealing tires is also a trigger, something we won’t be able to control like we can with crowds. There will be others and we’ll navigate through them.
He’s exhausted, almost like he’s spent the day running a marathon, and we only spent about ten total minutes at the party. My heart breaks for him and his struggles and this isn’t even close to the end. Each day will present new triggers and each day he’ll either have to decide if they’re worth working through or if he should just walk away like we did with the party tonight.
We’re lying in bed, Caleb’s breathing slow and quiet, and I know he’s starting to fall asleep, but it won’t come that easily. He’ll wake up soon after and not be able to fall back to sleep. He’ll stare up at the ceiling, trying not to move so he doesn’t disturb me, but little does he know, I’m generally awake too.
I don’t want him to know I stay up in case he needs me, watching him and hoping he can settle himself down enough to fall asleep, but if he can’t, I’m here.
The room is shrouded in darkness, the quiet of the night covers us and among the silence Caleb whispers, “Why do you think I can work at the bar, but I can’t go to a party?”
It’s a legitimate question and even though it’s his body and his mind, he can’t make sense of the situation. It’s common and to process and understand it, it’s good to talk through it. I’ve found that he is far more open to talking in the darkness of our bedroom as night creeps in.
“Your work is a controlled environment. You know what to expect. You know where the exits are, where it’s less crowded and you have the bar to separate you from the crowds if you need it,” I respond. “Most people with…” I pause for a second wondering if I should say it out loud or if it will make Caleb uncomfortable, but I throw caution to the wind and say it. “Most people with PTSD can function at work or in a place that’s familiar.”
“Do you think that’s what this is?” he asks, his words quiet and reserved.
“I do.”
I roll so I’m facing him, my hand resting on his cheek and even though it’s dark, I can tell the closeness of my body calms him. He leans into my hand and pulls me closer.
“Does that scare you?” he asks, and now it’s his honesty that slips through along with his worry and fear that what I’ve just told him will drive me away.
“Not at all,” I scoff, a bite to my words. “It’s like a broken arm. It needs time to heal. Would you be scared of someone with a broken arm?”
“A broken arm isn’t unpredictable,” he replies back, not in an argumentative way, but almost like he’s trying to refute my thinking.
“You’re not unpredictable. Situations are, but not you. And the way you respond to those situations is totally logical based on what your brain is telling you and based on what you’ve been through.”
“Anyone else would’ve left me,” he now admits, and I knew all along that was what he was concerned about.
“Caleb, don’t. It was one stupid, shitty party and I promise you, I didn’t miss out on anything. I’m not going to let you be the martyr here. Yeah, PTSD sucks, but most people are able to recover from it, especially if it’s not something that was long-term. Yours was not long-term and we’re going to work through it together.” I let out a loud huff, knowing if I allow him to wallow, it will only make things worse. “And if you can believe it, some people are even able to recover from it by just talking with family and friends.”
I give him a little shove, letting my fingers trail down his side and giving him a pinch. He laughs and I throw my leg over his hips so I’m now straddling him. Pinning his arms above his head, I lean down and kiss him hard, my lips crashing into his in a kiss that tells him I’m in this for the long haul.
This isn’t about saving him or feeling like I need to be here to help him pick up the pieces. It’s about watching us grow and change, and it’s about falling in love. He has my heart and together we can heal his.
Mondays absolutely suck. I’m so damn tired when my alarm goes off at six-thirty and I have no one to blame but myself. Caleb and I stayed up late watching movies and sucking the life out of Sunday night. But now I’m regretting it as I moan out loud and Caleb wraps his warm body around mine.
“Don’t go,” he mutters, groggy and hoarse with sleep as he nuzzles into the crook of my neck. “I thought you said you didn’t wake up early to go for runs?” His words make me smile, a reminder of what I told him when we first met.
“I know. I’m so dumb. But I need to get my run in today. I have a study group and a couple of final exams. I’ll be gone until late.”
“Today I hate your schedule.” His arms tighten around me as he speaks as if he’s trying to hold me in place. I love the closeness of him and his need to be near me. It’s almost impossible to leave the bed right now. “Lay with me for just a few more minutes,” he requests, and I can’t possibly deny him.
“Okay, but just until you fall back to sleep.” My fingers run through his hair and down his cheek, comforting and calming him and within a couple of minutes I feel his breathing slow and I watch his eyelids grow heavy.
I slip out of the bed, grabbing my running shorts and a sports bra; I change in the bathroom before heading out to the kitchen.
Sie is sitting at the table drinking coffee and scrolling through her phone. Sometimes it’s a wonder how we became such close friends given the fact that she actually enjoys getting up early. She’s always said she likes the peacefulness of the college town when everyone else is in bed. I’m about to find out if that’s true.
I lean over and peck the top of her head before I flop down in the chair next to her as I put on my running shoes.
“You’re up early,” she says, wrinkling up her forehead and laughing a little.
“Yeah, I’ve got a bunch of shit going on today and I want to get my run in before I’m exhausted by the day.”
“Yeah, these next few weeks of finals are going to suck, but then four weeks off. Are you going home?” Sienna asks and her words almost instantly make my chest tighten.
She, Caleb and Reid don’t have anyone or any place to go home to. This is it. Our little house is now their permanent home. It will don Christmas lights and a tree soon. It will host a Christmas dinner and presents will be opened, but missing from it will be everyone but the three of them.
“I was planning on it, and I was thinking maybe you guys could come with me. My mom would lose her shit with excitement, you know that.” I roll my eyes, thinking about how much my parents both adore Sienna and will probably be super pissed if they found out I left her here to celebrate a holiday without a big extended family.
“Yeah, that would be really cool. I’ve never been up north to Lake Tahoe and I’m sure it will do us all some good to get away and have a meal cooked by your awesome mom,” Sienna jokes, smiling at me. And even though she’s being playful and silly about it all, I can tell i
t’s taken a small weight off her.
It will be Reid’s first holiday without his family and while they were never really close, it can still stir up memories or remind you of loss.
“Fill Reid and Caleb in when they get up and we’ll all head up to Tahoe in a few weeks. Maybe even do a little skiing.”
Sienna chimes in with an agreement as I slip out the back door and into the alleyway. The sun is just starting to rise and the streetlights glow dimly in the darkened space. I glance down the alleyway before I begin running, a car idles quietly; its headlights off.
Something about it sparks as unusual, but I brush it off. I’m never up this early and for all I know that car is there every single day. We share the alley with a bunch of houses and given it’s a college town, people are constantly being picked up by friends and whatever.
But as I turn my back on it and begin to run, the car creeps closer, never speeding up, yet oddly rolling slowly behind me.
I move to the side to let the car pass, but it doesn’t, and suddenly my heartbeat kicks up a few notches, panic taking over.
What if this has something to do with Reid’s dad and Caleb and everything that happened? But why would they be following me? I shake my head, clearing my thoughts and reminding myself to stop listening to crime show podcasts. It’s a fucking car in an alley. It’s not a dead body.
I pick up speed and reach the end of the alley, taking the corner a little faster than normal and I stumble a little. Catching myself, I look back over my shoulder and see the car now sitting at the exit to the street.
It’s a silver Audi sedan with tinted windows and the weirdo in me turns around and jogs back toward it, wanting to get a good look at the driver and knowing I can only do that through the front window.
I’m within a few feet of the car, my stride picking up so I can run in front of it but not look obvious, when the tires begin to spin and the car lurches out in front of me. I jump back, narrowly missing getting hit by it.
