by Claire Raye
I nod, wishing that was the only thing I was apologizing for. “I know, but I’m also sorry for what happened after…” I trail off, not sure how to explain it.
“What do you mean?” she asks.
I slide a hand up her back, tucking some strands of hair behind her ear as I smile down at her. “Afterward, Ruby,” I say, my voice low. “When we… Shit, I didn’t use a condom and I’m sorry and—”
“Caleb,” she says, her voice soft. “It’s okay, we’ll…we’ll handle whatever happens.”
“I’ll do whatever you need me to do, okay?” I quickly say, needing her to know I’m not bailing on any of this, whatever happens, however fucking scary it might be. “Whatever test you need me to take or whatever you need—”
“Caleb,” she says, her fingers on my mouth, silencing me. “We’ll work it out, okay? And hey, maybe we can, I don’t know…figure something out so this won’t be a problem from now on?”
I lower my head so my forehead is resting against hers. “I’m so sorry. That was a really shitty thing for me to do and—”
“It’s okay, really,” she says, brushing her lips against mine.
I want to believe her, want to believe she really means what she’s telling me. “I have no idea what I did to deserve you,” I whisper, kissing her. “No fucking idea.”
She smiles against my mouth, her hand moving to the back of my neck as she holds me against her. “I feel the same way,” she whispers, before deepening the kiss.
I surrender to her, even as somewhere, my mind registers the sound of a door opening and closing, the sound of footsteps and someone laughing. But it’s not until I hear Reid, as he calls out, “Oh, Sienna!” that I finally understand, pulling back to see my best friend, standing in the kitchen doorway, laughing at us.
Before either of us can say anything, Sienna is beside him, giving Ruby and me the stink eye as she crosses her arms over her chest and says, “I knew it! I fucking knew you two were hooking up!”
Ruby giggles, burying her face against my chest as she murmurs, “I think we’re busted.”
And despite how much the timing sucks, how much I want to drag Ruby out of the room so we can talk about what happened last night, what it means for the two of us, I don’t. Instead, I lean down and press my lips to the top of her head.
“Yeah, I kinda think we are.”
“Okay, for the record,” Reid starts, still laughing, “when did all this start?”
Exhaling, I pull back, pulling Ruby close as we both turn to face them. “His birthday,” Ruby says, her arm around my waist, squeezing. “When you two were away.”
I tip my head in acknowledgement, even though I think both Ruby and I would admit things had started happening way before that, my birthday was the night everything changed.
Reid bursts out laughing, turning to Sienna with his hand out as he says, “Looks like you owe me fifty bucks, babe.”
“Wait, what?” I ask, as Sienna huffs and shoots me and Ruby a death stare. “You bet on us?”
Reid shrugs as he grins at us. “Well, Sie thought something had happened earlier, but yeah, my money was on the weekend we went away.”
I smile, because despite everything that happened last night, all the shit that might be waiting for us, I can’t help but laugh. “You fucker,” I mutter, shaking my head at him as Ruby presses herself against me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ruby
I can’t believe those two bet on when Caleb and I would hook up, but I shouldn’t be surprised. It was getting way too obvious and I’m sure it was all they were talking about.
“You two need to get a life,” I say, turning in Caleb’s arms so my back is against his chest. “I think I liked you better when you both hated each other.” Of course I’m just giving them shit and Sienna’s mouth drops open in mock surprise.
“Now what are Reid and I going to gossip about at night?” Sienna huffs out, crossing her arms over her chest. “It really was the most exciting thing to happen since we got back to Hawthorn. I’d been trying to come into the house quietly so I could catch you.”
“You really do need to get a life,” Caleb now responds, copying my words and laughing at Sienna. “Ruby and I hooking up definitely shouldn’t be the most exciting thing to happen to you.” He shakes his head, moving out from behind me, he gives me a quick kiss. “I’m going to hit the gym and then I’m working at five, so I’ll see you later tonight,” Caleb tells me before smirking at Sienna and Reid as he heads off to our bedroom.
Reid calls after Caleb telling him he’ll go with him to the gym and Sienna and I both smile. It’s good for Caleb to have some normalcy back in his life. Spending time with me, starting a relationship, going to the gym with Reid, getting a job, these are all things that are helping him create a life for himself here in California and leave his old life in Rhode Island behind.
I sit back down at the table, knowing I skipped class to be home with Caleb, I figure I should at least work on a few things, but Sienna sits down across from me. I hate to shoo her off or ignore her because we’ve both been so busy lately. Having time to chat or even go out together has been nonexistent.
“He seems good,” she says, her face lighting up a little, a twinkle to her eyes. “Almost like he’s back to…” Sienna trails off, not wanting to say the word normal, and I don’t dare tell her about his nightmare last night.
“Yeah, he is good,” I respond nodding my head, despite the nagging I feel pulling at me from the back of my mind.
He won’t be good if I find myself knocked up after what happened last night. Not only will he not be good, but neither will I and I’m pretty certain my parents will kill me. I basically have a year and a semester left of school and I need to make it there without a kid.
I pause, wanting to tell her what happened, but also in this awkward place of discussing my sex life with her when the person I’m having sex with is her brother. I listen to Reid and Caleb shuffling around in the bedrooms, hoping they quickly get ready to go so Sienna and I have the house to ourselves.
“How have things been going?” I ask, stalling for time as I highlight a few lines in the textbook that is sitting in front of me. I’m distracted and have no idea if what I’ve just highlighted is even the line I was looking for.
“Pretty good. The weekend away in San Diego was exactly what we needed. Having Caleb living here, it sometimes makes me feel…” Again she doesn’t finish her thought.
I know Sie has felt responsible for what happened back in Rhode Island and has harbored a ton of guilt for staying on her road trip with Reid so long on their ride back there. She talks about how if she had just gotten there sooner none of this would’ve happened. But I’m not sure I agree with her. Honestly she could’ve put herself at an even bigger risk by possibly getting involved in the loan shark mess with Reid’s dad.
“I know. I’m sure it’s hard, but he’s doing well and you made the right choice by bringing him back here. Things will settle down soon.”
“Of course you think I made the right choice. You’re hooking up with him,” Sienna shoots back, giggling a little.
“Well, yes, but I think it was good for both of you to be together after what happened. You’d be worrying about him if he wasn’t here.”
She nods just as Reid and Caleb emerge from the bedrooms carrying gym bags and wearing their workout clothes.
“I’m gonna head out, babe,” Reid says, leaning down to kiss Sie on the top of the head. “I’ll see you after practice.”
“Sounds good,” she agrees, smiling at him.
I look up at Caleb as he watches the two of them say goodbye and for a second, I wonder if he’s not comfortable doing the same with me. If he’s worried about their reaction to us as a couple. But then he leans down, kissing me with precision and softness, smiling against my mouth.
“I’ll see you later. We can talk when I get off work,” he says quietly, his words only loud enough for my ears and I swallow h
ard. I don’t want him worrying about this on top of everything else he’s dealing with.
I wait until I hear the back door close and then I turn my attention back to Sienna. As much as I know I should discuss things with Caleb, I need to tell Sienna what happened and ask her advice.
“So last night,” I start, my words hushed as if saying them too loudly will make them more real than I already know they are. I let out a sigh, closing my eyes and shaking my head. This is literally every college girl’s worst fear.
I have no regrets that I had unprotected sex with Caleb because I fully trust he’s clean and I know I am. This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me, besides that time in the tenth grade when my ex-boyfriend’s hard dick jabbed at me through my panties and I swore I was pregnant. At least now I’m a little more logical than that, but I guess not any less reckless.
“So,” I say, trying again and Sie rolls a hand in my direction telling me to get on with it. “Caleb and I had sex without a condom last night,” I blurt out, my words coming out in a rush of panic and relief.
“You’re on the pill, Ruby,” Sie says, shaking her head like I’m the dumbest person in the world. She’s wrong though. I’m supposed to be on the pill, but I stopped taking it when my sex life became non-existent.
“I stopped taking it like three month ago,” I admit, embarrassed by my irresponsibility as my cheeks heat up and flush pink. “I’m going to go to health services and get the morning after pill and then get back on my birth control.”
“It seems like you’ve got this under control,” she says, agreeing with my plan. “Are you scared? Do you want me to come with you?” The conversation has flipped from our usual and now it’s her coming across as motherly. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about, but even more than that, stop being embarrassed. You and Caleb are in a relationship and neither of you are that irresponsible that you would let it happen again.”
It’s hard not to totally agree with her and given the context of the situation it happened under, it was understandable. He needed me and being close to me calmed him. It’s something we’ve learned through all of this.
“I’m okay. I just don’t want this to derail any of the progress Caleb has made.”
“Did he seem worried about it?” she asks, but then she shakes her head. “He wouldn’t be. I know Caleb and he’s way too levelheaded to let something like this stress him out. Even if you did end up pregnant, he wouldn’t let it rattle him.”
“I’m not going to end up pregnant,” I assert, her words like a punch to the throat. The idea of having a baby at twenty-two just seems like too much.
“You’d look ridiculous in a tube top with a pregnant belly.” Sienna wrinkles up her nose and shakes her head.
“No I wouldn’t!” I shout back, arguing with her over a hypothetical situation. “I would look so cute. I’m totally going to be one of those moms who’s super skinny with a cute belly.”
Sienna lets out a riotous laugh, her head falling back and after what feels like too long, she finally says, “Please. You know both of us are going to be fat. We eat everything in sight already. Imagine when we’re eating for two. And besides, you can’t get pregnant till I do and then we’re having our babies together so they can be best friends, too.”
“I’m glad you find all of this funny. It has me fucking stressed out and you’re over here planning our future.”
“Sorry. I’m just trying to cheer you up. Take the day off and head over to health services. I can pretty much guarantee you aren’t the first girl who will walk in there today for the morning after pill.” She blinks, casually knowing this is a college campus and things like this happen frequently, and she then shoots me a sympathetic smile.
“Thanks, Sie,” I say, standing up and walking over to where she’s sitting. I lean down and hug her, knowing I can’t imagine my life without her or without Caleb.
It’s late when Caleb gets in and despite being exhausted from the day, I wait up for him, lying in bed staring up at the ceiling.
“You awake?” he whispers in question when he walks in the room. I can hear him shuffling around in the dark and it makes me smile a little. I love that he’s so conscious of me sleeping and trying to keep quiet. His thoughtfulness is something that is so endearing.
“I’m awake,” I whisper back, not wanting to talk too loudly in case Reid and Sie are sleeping. “Go take a shower and I’ll be waiting for you.”
Caleb leaves the room and my thoughts begin to swirl, thinking about how this isn’t the first thing in our relationship that we’ve gotten through, but like his PTSD, it’s something that could divide us.
A few minutes later Caleb climbs into bed next to me, smelling of coconut, his body warm with the leftover heat of the shower. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me close and he lets out a hard sigh, his body melting against mine.
“How was your night?” I ask, my words still a whisper in the darkness of the room.
“It was fine. Nothing exciting. Glad to be back here with you.” His fingers trail along my back, tracing circles as I feel the comforting rise and fall of his chest as he breathes into my hair. “Are you okay after what happened last night?” he asks, testing the words.
“Yes, everything is fine. We’re fine,” I tell him reassuringly, my lips pressing soft kisses to his bare chest. “I went to health services today and got the morning after pill and I’m back on the pill too.”
“Ruby,” Caleb says, my name a bite on his tongue and I shift so I’m up on my elbow and Caleb follows suit. “Why did you go without me?”
I let out a mix of a scoff and a laugh. It’s not like I needed his support or anything and besides, he doesn’t need more stress.
“I went without you because you were at the gym with Reid and it wasn’t a big deal.”
“I would’ve gone with you,” he says, grabbing my chin and tipping my head up so I’m looking at him. “It won’t happen again either. You’re not the only one responsible for birth control. Condoms from now on.” He smirks now, his seriousness gone.
“We’ve got this under control,” I tease. “We make a good team.”
“You’ve got me under your control, Ruby and you don’t even know it.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Caleb
Despite the rocky start, the rest of the week passes without drama. Things between Ruby and me are good too. The whole me having a nightmare again, followed by the sex without a condom thing, somehow making us even closer.
Which is not to say there haven’t been any more nightmares, there have, I’ve just been lucky enough to somehow wake up first without waking her in the process. The dreams don’t even make sense anymore either, just random quick images and feelings, all of which leave me feeling anxious, as though I’m missing something, even though I can’t work out what that could be.
Most of the time I manage to fall back asleep, Ruby none the wiser, but tonight I can’t, and instead, I find myself lying awake, surfing the net on my phone as Ruby sleeps beside me.
I pull up the Google search engine, going through the usual routine of searching for Reid’s dad and any updates on his situation. But as usual, there’s nothing new to report. He still sits in a jail over in Rhode Island and I’m still here, safe in California.
So why won’t these fucking nightmares just stop?
Why can’t I accept that that part of my life is over? That I’m safe now, happy even, with this new life I’ve found myself in?
I should be. I’m with my favorite people. I’ve got a job that I enjoy, a place to live and a girl that I’m falling hard for.
Actually, a girl I have fallen hard for. A girl I’m in love with, if that’s even possible considering how fucked up I am.
Exhaling, I shut off my phone and place it back on the nightstand, rolling onto my side as my hands reach for Ruby, pulling her close. She mumbles something in her sleep, her face turning toward me as she buries it against my chest
.
I close my eyes, focus on the soft sound of her breathing, of her warm body against mine and the feel of her in my arms.
I’m happy.
I’m safe.
This should be enough now.
The bar is busy tonight, being a Friday and I know even though I’m supposed to be finishing early so I can head to a party with Ruby, Sie and Reid, I’m probably going to end up being late. Even though I’m the manager, I feel like I need to stick around when things get busy. It’s an old habit from back when we had our bar and Dad would struggle to cope with the crowd and managing things.
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be gone?” Adam yells over the crowd of people waiting to be served.
I turn to him, brow raised as if to say seriously, as I gesture to the people lined up in front of us.
Adam just grins, waving a hand in dismissal as he says, “Go, we’ve got this.”
I shake my head and continue serving people, knowing there’s no way I can leave when things are like this. Business has definitely picked up since I took over and I can’t help but be a little bit proud of that, knowing I did this. That despite losing our bar back in Providence, I can run things and make it work.
After another hour or so, I spot Ruby coming in, her eyes wide as she takes in the crowd. She makes her way toward me, smiling as she squeezes between some people standing at the bar.
“Hey you!” she half shouts over the noise.
“Hey,” I grin, leaning over the wooden bar top to give her a quick kiss.
Despite how much fun it was to mess with Sie and Reid, it is good having everything out in the open now. Being able to kiss her and touch her whenever I want to. Which is apparently all the time.
“Busy in here tonight,” she comments.
I nod. “I know, I’m sorry. I’m running late.”
Ruby shrugs, snagging a stool as someone next to her leaves. “It’s okay. I get it. I can wait for you.”
I want to tell her to go on ahead, that truth be told, I don’t really want to go to this party because I know it’s going to be filled with people and noise, all of which feels suffocating to me.
