The Walrus and the Warwolf coaaod-4

by Hugh Cook

  Tomorrow, maybe. We'll see. A riotous mob, that's the thing!

  The fourth day, Drake fronted up for further fun – and was arrested by the Watch. And the day after, he was hauled into the New Courthouse to hear the charges Gouda Muck had preferred against him. The trial came up so quickly because the general pardon, given to celebrate the liberation of Androlmarphos, had cleared the backlog of the courts entirely.

  Drake was brought in front of Judge Syrphus, who held court in the traditional glory which tradition decreed for a person in his position. Thanks to tradition, Judge Syrphus wore uncured goatskins and a feathered head-dress, sat on a throne made from the bones of traitors, and wore heavy gold bracelets littered with garnets and bits of black glass.

  The proceedings were in the Churl of the Harvest Plains (not High Churl or City Churl or Field Churl, but Legal Churl, which took a good five years for the brightest brains to master) and were translated into Galish for Drake's benefit.

  'Are you Drake Douay, runaway swordsmith's apprentice of Stokos?' he was asked by the Clerk of the Court.

  'Yes,' he said, fearlessly. 'And you've no jurisdiction over Stokos, so let's hear nothing about running away, aye, or thieving masterswords, or hacking up royal trees or any other such nonsense. Aye, and while we're at it, I've got a pardon for all crimes I might have done in or out of Selzirk – not that I'm admitting any, mind – and here's the document itself. Not that I can read it, but the wise, who ought to know, say it's a pretty enough bit of paper.'

  This resulted in some colloquy, after which Drake was told:

  'The Court is aware of your pardon, but it has no relevance to this case. In this case, the Court is being asked to subject you to preventive detention on the grounds that you are a public menace. You can be perfectly innocent of all crime yet still be a public menace. So the pardon does you no good.'

  'So you're putting me on trial for things I've never done and maybe never will do.''Precisely.''Then I'll have a lawyer, thanks.' 'What money have you?' 'None.'

  'Then you get no lawyer. Call the first witness for the prosecution!'

  The witness was called. Into court he came. Gouda Muck! There followed several exchanges between Drake and Muck. They swore, cursed and damned each other, engaged in the wildest insults and used the most shameless, filthy language. Fortunately, they did all this in Ligin, which nobody else in the Court could understand.

  Drake Douay and Gouda Muck were, with difficulty, called to order. Then Muck was introduced to the Court as a master swordsmith and a peaceful minister of religion.

  'Do you recognize anyone in the Court?' asked the prosecutor.

  'Why, yes,' answered Gouda Muck. 'The man in the dock. I know him as Drake Douay. He was my apprentice on Stokos, until he ran away some four or five years ago.''When did you see him next?''In Runcorn.'

  'Runcorn? What was he doing?' 'He ruled the place. He'd founded a truly monstrous religion. I hold a copy of the doctrines of that religion.

  This document is The Book of Witness. Know that Drake Douay was at this time going under the name of Arabin lol Arabin.'

  After Muck had been questioned further, The Book of Witness was read into the record of the Court. Drake listened intently. He had never heard it before; he was flattered to learn that a follower of his temple had been impressed enough to write down a history of Drake's doings in Runcorn.This was fame indeed!

  The prosecutor finished with Muck, and, very pleased with himself, addressed the Court:

  'You have heard both my first witness and The Book of Arabin. Plainly, the accused is an evil, dangerous religious radical. He overthrew the rightful rule Of Runcorn. In its place he installed a monstrous regime of drunkenness, debauchery and polymorphous perversion. That more than suffices to make him a public menace, for what he did in Runcorn he might yet do in Selzirk.'Smirking, the prosecutor sat. And Drake was asked:'Do you have questions to put to the witness?'

  'Aye, that I do,' said Drake. 'Under torture, if you please. Or, if he'll not submit to torture, let him swear to tell the truth, and let him swear by the Flame he preaches of.'

  Drake's petition to have the witness tortured was denied, but Muck was made to swear (by the Flame) that he would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

  'Man,' said Drake, 'you had me as apprentice on Stokos. Was I good or was I bad?'

  'You were the worst apprentice I ever had,' said Gouda Muck. 'Drunk, disorderly, disobedient, shiftless, idle, gross, reckless and lawless. You stole my mastersword.''Did I ever steal gold?''No.'

  'Or bread? Or wine? Or wood? Or anything else of you or yours?''No.'

  'Did I ever hurt or harm or damage anything of you or yours?'

  'Yes! You damaged a sword of mine. I remember it well. You were foolish at sword. You knocked out some iron inlay. I can tell the Court exactly. It was the letter Ac0wae.''How do you know it was that letter? Did I tell you?'

  'You! Tell me! An illiterate fool like you? No, I knew the letter for what it was because I'm a scholar of sorts, as my father was before me.''Why call me illiterate?' said Drake, sounding hurt.

  'Because you know not one letter from the other. Why, when you were sent to learn your theory, you had to memorize the whole by heart.'

  'That's a cruel thing to say,' said Drake. 'Why make me out as ignorant?''Because you are!'

  'All right,' said Drake. T let you have the point. I know not one letter from the other.'

  'And never will,' said Muck, 'for you were no good at learning. Why, I had to beat you to learn you the simples of your business!'

  'Beatings, was it?' said Drake. 'Was it with fists? Or with boot? Or with stick? Or did you bang my head against the wall? Or did you throw lumps of coal and ore at me? Or what method did you use?''All of those, and more,' said Muck. 'But all failed.'

  'Did I ever beat back in return? Hit or punch or throw or spit?'Muck laughed.

  'You'd never have dared!' he said. 'You were too fearful for that.''So what did I do to oppose you?'

  'We've been through that! You stole my mastersword and ran away!''And when did you see me next?''Why, in Runcorn.''Tell the Court how you came to see me.'

  'I'd made it my business to travel the Salt Road, preaching. I had with me loyal assistants – such as Sully Yot. A better man than you!''Tell the Court of this Yot,' said Drake.

  'An apprentice of mine,' said Muck. 'He'd been a prisoner of pirates. You were one of those who took him prisoner!'

  'Was I just?' said Drake. 'Was I then high in their ranks? A pirate captain, perhaps?'

  'No,' said Muck, with a laugh. 'You were but a cook's boy. Peeling cockroaches and hashing up rats, that was about your limit. Why, Yot told of how you'd done the world's worst cookery in the Penvash channel. Rats and cockroaches, yes!''So I was the cook?'

  'No, no, the cook's boy. You were never destined to go far in the world.'

  'Did Yot tell you how I came by these rats and cockroaches he talked of?'

  'Why, yes. He said you told him you'd meant them as a sacrifice for Hagon.''What is this Hagon?' said Drake.

  And the Court heard from Muck the tale of how Drake had devotedly worshipped the Demon Hagon for years. Then Drake changed tack to bring him back on course for Runcorn:

  'So the Court now knows about Hagon, aye, and about this fellow Yot. Who knew me, as you say. Yot came to Runcorn with you. What then?'

  'We reached Runcorn. I was tired, therefore took to my bed at the inn. Yot went about the city, with the energy of the young. He saw you in the temple of the place. You and a woman, Zanya, whom he knew. I knew her too, for she had been my convert formerly. So Yot went privily to Zanya, and brought her to me.''And she spoke with you?''Yes. She told how you went by the name of Arabin lol

  Arabin. For she knew you not as Drake Douay. Only Yot knew you as that.''And where is this Yot? In Selzirk?'

  'No. He returned to Stokos, to manage my temple's affairs. He's high priest now.'

  'An interesting story,' said Drak
e, smirking. 'You speak of a woman who knew a man called Arabin lol Arabin. Another man knows of no Arabin, but knows of a Drake Douay. He takes the girl to you, and by this means you identify this Arabin as Drake. At a distance, sight unseen. Is this black magic, or what?'

  'I saw you with my own eyes,' said Muck. 'The very next day. It was in the square in front of City Hall in Runcorn.''What was I doing?''Standing on a balcony.'

  'What? Admiring sunsets and singing them to sleep with fancy poetry?'

  'No, for it was not evening but bright day. Besides, you have no poetry. You were shouting. At a mob.'

  'A mob, was it? And was I shouting at them to burn the city, aye, and plunder it? Or was I seeking order?'

  'You were seeking your life, for they were out to kill you. They'd recognized the evil of your religion.''So what did I say to them? Did I beg for mercy?''No. You promised them war.'

  'War? The kind of war that Elkor Alish made? An attack on Androlmarphos? An invasion of Selzirk?'

  'No,' said Muck, 'for you lack the imagination for such. Your war was to be against the ragged bands which roam the Lezconcarnau Plains.''So did I speak of Selzirk in my plans for war?''No.''Are you sure?'

  'You . . . why, yes, you spoke of selling slaves to Selzirk. And, shortly after, you cried out to thousands that you were Arabin lol Arabin. Then the crowd ran riot.''Then what happened?'T saw you not, for I was fighting for my own life.' 'So when did you see me next?'

  'About a season later. I was preaching in Selzirk when you turned up and shouted at me.''What did I shout? Of religion? Or of a woman?''Of a woman.''What woman was this?'

  'Zanya Kliedervaust, a pilgrim from the Ebrells.' 'The same woman who had been in Runcorn?' 'Yes,' said Muck. 'The one that I have spoken of in my testimony.''What means she to you?''She is the guardian of my purity.''Your whore?' said Drake.

  'I am a holy man!' said Muck, his voice rising in outrage. 'How can the Court let this – this criminal accuse me of whoring?'

  'The defence,' said Judge Syrphus, easily, 'has a very free hand in the courts of Selzirk. As does indeed the prosecution. We think our justice no worse for it. Do you beg to differ?'

  'My lord,' said Gouda Muck, 'I, as a stranger, would scarce set out to reform the courts of Selzirk.'

  'Then answer the question!' said Drake. 'What was Zanya to you?'

  'The guardian of my purity,' said Gouda Muck. 'As I've said already.'

  Drake had thought to defend himself by showing Muck as a sexual rival. He had failed – for the moment. He tried another tack: to show Muck up as a madman.'And why must you have such a guardian?' asked Drake.'To preserve my holiness.''And why are you holy?''Because I am the flesh of the Flame.'

  'You mean you live in fire, like one of these salamanders we sometimes hear of? Or that the skin beneath your robes is red, like that of the people of Ebrell? Or what?''I mean that I am the High God of All Gods.'

  'You mean,' said Drake, 'a priest, surely. Surely the word meant was priest, not god.'

  'No,' said Muck. T am a god! Not any god, but the High God of All Gods!''Have you always known this?' said Drake.'No.'

  'Then how did you first come to know yourself as a god?''Why, the Flame told me.''Describe this Flame,' said Drake.

  'It was purple,' said Muck. 'It leaped out of the furnace. It yelled at me.'

  At this, there was tittering in the Court. But Drake kept a straight face.

  'There seems to be confusion of identity,' said Drake. 'You have told us you are the Flame. Now you tell us the Flame lives in the furnace, and speaks to you. Which is which?'

  'This takes us into the realms of higher theology,' said Muck. 'You would not understand.'

  'I am but an ignorant runaway apprentice,' said Drake. 'A poor fool, who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other. But the evidence is for the Court, not me. Do you say the Court would not understand?'T say nothing of the kind,' said Muck.

  And Drake drew him into a long discourse on theology, which the Court indulged because it was tolerably amusing, and because the law of Selzirk placed few limits on the range of a cross-examination.

  'So you know of religion through revelation,' said Drake. 'Now we have heard a document of sorts, a document called, if I remember right, The Book of Witness. Is this a record you have somehow conjured up out of the air, by means of revelation?'

  'No,' said Muck, swiftly, thinking he saw what Drake was attempting to do. 'This is a true, correct and complete account of your doings in Runcorn.''Who says it?''The man I bought it off.''When and where?'

  'In Runcorn itself, the morning of that riot which I have already spoken of.'

  'You bought this, then, in the heat of a riot? Snatched it from his hand and tossed him a few coppers?'

  'Not at all! We met at dawn, and talked until the sun was well up in the sky. His name was Aard Lox. He was a scribe who had, for reasons unknown to me, much faith in you. He offered this copy of his work for sale, meaning to enlighten me. He talked at length, with great sincerity, convincing me that everything he'd written was true.'

  'So the proof of the truth of this record, then,' said Drake, 'rests on the word of this man. You believed him, or so you say. Why?'

  'Because he was honest, and I am a judge of honesty – which you are not, having none yourself. And because he was so exact in all the particulars he recounted.'

  'Ah,' said Drake, 'but surely the voices of others would help convince the Court. Could we not have this Yot come back from Stokos to evidence to some few claims you've made? Surely he has no pressing duties there? After all, the religion of Stokos is the worship of the demon Hagon. So how can the high priest of the Flame have matters of importance there?'

  'Because Hagon has been overthrown, as you know very well,' said Drake.

  T am but an ignorant apprentice,' said Drake. 'I know nothing. Tell the Court how Hagon came to be overthrown.'

  And Muck told.

  Willingly.

  'Now,' said Drake, 'some words I heard in The Book of Witness which I'm not sure I heard aright. Would you read them out, please, you having scholarship which I lack. Read them, and tell the Court if it's all to rights with the document. It's Vision the fifth, verses twelve through fourteen.'

  Muck read the verses, and testified that they were part of the true and correct record given to him by Aard Lox. 'Thank you,' said Drake. 'You may sit.'

  53

  Whereupon there was uproar of surpassing greatness.But the Record showed the answer of Lachish as 'No.'Then did Arabin call attention to the answer shown in the Record, and say unto Lachish: 'If thou hast not tasted these pleasures, wherefore dost thou speak of the goodness or the badness thereof?'

  Verses 12-14, Vision the Fifth, The Book of Witness

  As Gouda Muck resumed his seat, Drake saw Zanya enter the courthouse, and guessed that she was next witness for the prosecution. Their eyes met, briefly, giving him no hint of what she felt or thought. This was fearful dangerous! Who could tell what the woman would say?

  'Man,' said Drake. 'I mean, my lord judge. We've heard Gouda Muck speak plain. He's a nutter. Right? A lunatic! A madman, no less. So I reckon it's time to throw out these charges Muck's brought, before we go any further.'

  Judge Syrphus stirred himself on his chair of bones, adjusted his feathered head-dress, scratched at his goatskins then spoke:

  'The mad have as many rights under Selzirk law as do the sane. Indeed, it has been argued in quarters that only a madman would go to law to start with – therefore to abolish the rights of the mad to law would be to abolish the rights of all.'

  'But,' protested Drake, 'the man's got a head full of nonsense!'

  'We have other witnesses yet to speak,' said the judge. 'They themselves may well prove rational enough. With luck, we'll have evidence enough to condemn you.''You want to condemn me?' said Drake.

  'Nothing personal,' said the judge. 'But I do have a quota to make.'

  Drake started sweating. This was proving harder than he had thought.
He felt as if he had been at sword nonstop for a moon and a day.Well.He would do his best.

  'Aagh,' he said, clearing his throat. He was about to spit when he remembered himself. Proceeding in his best lawyerly manner (which he had learnt by watching Garimanthea in Runcorn), he said: 'We have heard evidence from Gouda Muck. The prosecutor spoke once he'd finished with the man, so I suppose I may do the same.'

  'You are right.' said the Clerk of the Court. 'You are at liberty to make an address to the Court after finishing with each witness.'

  'Then that I do,' said Drake. 'Although I do it but poorly, for I be a sorry runaway apprentice who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other.'

  He took a deep breath. His future was on the line, if not his very life. This had better be good.

  'Gouda Muck, as you have heard, knows me well as Drake Douay, for he had me as apprentice for year on year on Stokos.

  'Now I have the greatest respect for Gouda Muck, for it was he who taught me how to shape steel, aye, and the temperature at which tilps jiffle.'

  This last claim sounded entirely innocuous to the Court, but in the Ligin of Stokos it was extremely obscene, and brought Gouda Muck to his feet with a roar.

  'Sit and be silent!' shouted the judge, before Muck could speak. 'Are you mad, man?'

  Guards took up position on either side of Muck, ready to suppress him immediately if he interrupted again.

  'Aye,' said Drake. T respected Muck. But there was a strangeness about him at times. Sometimes he'd leap to his feet and roar for no reason, as you've just seen.'

  Muck's face started to turn purple with rage. How very interesting! Drake wondered if Muck would have a stroke and die on the spot, like Nabajoth of Runcorn. Wondering (and hoping) he continued:

  'Other times,' said Drake, 'this worthy scholar would beat me, aye, with kicks, cudgels, fists and walls, and missiles into the bargain. That you've heard from his own testimony.'But did I ever fight back?

  'Nay. I hit not, kicked not, spat not. Gouda Muck has sworn as much, aye, sworn it on his beloved Flame before you all. I was gentle, man, like a dead fish nailed to a slab of wood by fifty nails each longer than a finger. He never got any violence out of me.