Blackness Awaits

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  “That’s a lot of stuff. Could take a while,” I say thinking we’re a long way off on some of those points.

  “He’ll fly through. He’s your son, a fighter,” Maggie says to us confidently. “Karl brought all of the essentials with him on his flight, the car seat, stroller and some clothes. Johnny’s too small for those clothes so we started shoppin’ online last night for preemie clothes. Wait ’til you see the things we bought.”

  “Ma you didn’t have to do that,” Kid says appreciatively.

  “He’s my grandson. I’ll buy him as much as I want. The spoiling has begun.”

  “I second that,” Mary chimes in.

  “Kavy thinks I’m gonna put him in ballet,” Kid says with a smile.

  “Uh,” I grunt. Kid looks at me and starts to laugh silently bouncing the baby up and down. He smiles around her nipple and goes back to eating. He’s a boob man.

  We sit and talk about nothing while Kid nurses. Johnny does a few more big swallows and maintains his breathing. Kate comes back and hooks up his feeding and Kid suggests I do the kangaroo care for a while. I pull my shirt off and Kate places Johnny on my chest covered in warm blankets. He squirms around a bit trying to get comfortable.

  “Not as soft as Momma,” I apologize to him. I rest my hand on his butt and the pressure settles him. I immediately feel a calm wash over me and my eyes drift closed. I’m happy.

  Shannon

  “I think there’s some biological thing that happens when a man has his baby on his chest. It’s like a sleeping pill in the form of skin contact,” Mary says gazing at Kel and Johnny sleeping together. “You tired sweetheart?”

  “I’m good,” I say over the hum of the breast pump I’m eternally hooked up to.

  “How are you holdin’ up with everything else?” Maggie asks her chocolate eyes concerned behind her black rimmed glasses.

  “I don’t know. Cassie’s dead and I don’t know what to think about that. She had cocaine in her system. I’m so mad, I can’t think of anything beyond that. Johnny will never know her and I worry how he’ll deal with that as he gets older. And what about her parents? They haven’t even shown up here.”

  “Honey they were arrested at the airport when they landed early this morning. The DEA picked them up,” Maggie explains. I guess we’ve been living in a bubble here. “And you’re his mother. Any issues that come up you’ll deal with, but I wouldn’t worry on that too much. Enjoy your time with him. Worry later.”

  “Okay.” I shut off the pump, hand Mary my bottles containing more than a few drops of milk and close my eyes just for a moment.

  Kavanagh

  O’Sullivan, Cal and I walk into the NICU to find Kellerman asleep sitting in his chair with Johnny on his chest, Kid asleep in her chair right beside them. I thought the baby looked small before, surrounded by Kellerman’s giant frame…it’s unreal. Maggie and Mary come and greet me and their sons while we scrub our hands.

  “They’ve been out a while now. She was up every two hours pumpin’ overnight. They let the baby nurse almost two hours ago!” Mary explains excitedly. Can I just say this whole, I didn’t have the baby but I can still breastfeed, situation freaks me the fuck out. Not that I’ll utter a word to Kid about that.

  “It’s good they’re in here because the media are outside. After the arrests this morning there was a short press conference and the Yates’ lawyer announced Cassie’s death. Clusterfuck out there,” I tell the new grandmas in a grumble.

  “Great,” Maggie huffs. “We’re gonna head out and do some shoppin’ for Johnny now that you’re here. We’ll see you boys later.” They give kisses to Kid, Kellerman and Johnny as they all continue to sleep.

  The guys and I take seats and wait for them to wake up.

  “Is this not bizarre?” O’Sullivan asks pointing at the breast pump (machine intended for torture).

  “Beyond,” Cal says with big bright blue eyes.

  “Her boobs are gonna get even bigger,” I chime in.

  “Stop talkin’ about my woman’s tits,” Kellerman mumbles. He sits up a little straighter palming Johnny with one hand. If I had a man crush it would be Kellerman. His body is ripped, he’s fucking funny, and he’s about as laid back as they come…I don’t have a man crush though. He looks up at the clock.

  “We’ve been out a while,” he whispers looking over at Kid. “I’m glad she’s sleepin’.”

  “Ma said she’s been up all night,” Cal says.

  “Yeah, the whole pumpin’ thing is a chore. You know how she is though, dedicated if it kills her. I need to take a piss. Can one of you hold him?” All three of us freeze, making no offer to hold that tiny precious life. We’re not the most delicate bunch.

  “I’ll hold him,” Cal says in something of a whisper. Kellerman sits forward pulling the blankets away from them, leans forward laying Johnny into one hand (ONE FUCKING HAND!) and passes him over to Cal like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Cal’s hands are shaking, but he grabs the baby laying him across his arm, careful with all the wires and tubes. Those twinkling blue eyes are working overtime.

  “Be back in a sec. I’m gonna grab some water too,” Kellerman says pulling his shirt over his head and pressing a kiss into Kid’s hair. Cal doesn’t respond, just stares at Johnny.

  We all sit in silence watching Johnny in Cal’s arms like he’s going to sit up and start telling us his life story.

  “This shit is un-fuckin’-real,” Cal murmurs finally looking at us with a broad smile tattooed on his face his dimples painfully deep. “He doesn’t weigh anything. If I wasn’t lookin’ at him I wouldn’t know he was here.”

  “Somehow I don’t believe that,” O’Sullivan whispers as he snaps a few pictures with his phone.

  “You wanna hold him and find out?” Cal dares him. There’s a pause before he scoots toward Cal to take the baby. After the world’s slowest baby transfer O’Sullivan looks like he might throw-up once Johnny’s settled into the crook of his arm. Cal takes over picture duty.

  “Okay, he doesn’t weigh anything. But I’d know he was here no matter what.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the baby as he talks. “Dude, you have been born into the coolest fuckin’ family. Your mom…you hit the jackpot. And your uncles, the three of us who have to be your favorite uncles, will teach you how to piss her off like no other.” The three of us chuckle softly. “All right Kav your turn.”

  I don’t want to hold him. I’m scared to death of him, but if these pansies did it so can I. I swallow a huge gulp and lean toward O’Sullivan scooping Johnny into the crook of my arm. I could hold ten of him at once, he’s so small. Whatever that cunt Cassie did to make him come early, I’m glad she’s dead. We’re lucky he’s healthy…so goddamned lucky.

  “You know little man you grow up to be the size of your dad no one will believe you started out like this,” I say softly gazing down at his little pink body. Cal snaps a couple of pictures.

  “We’ll have proof,” he says waving the phone at me.

  “How is it possible to love something you just met?” I ask the guys.

  “No fuckin’ clue. Never loved anyone like I love Kid, until I saw him yesterday. Just saw him…that’s all it took,” Cal says surprising all of us. He’s a man of few words and they’re never about love.

  “No shit. Holdin’ his foot yesterday…I don’t know man, that shit did somethin’ to me,” O’Sullivan agrees staring down at the baby with gooey non-man love in his face. We’ve turned into pussies over a baby. Johnny starts to squirm and I go stiff looking to the guys for help. They look at me pleading for me to make it stop somehow and then he squeals like a piglet. Fuck me I’m freaking the fuck out.

  “Hand him here, Kavy,” Kid calls quietly from next to me. Thank Christ! I quickly hand him to her. She lays him across her arm, pulls her boob out, and he goes at it like a champ. Weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. All three of us are staring at him suckling away (I’m shockingly not turned on by Kid’s naked tit).

 
“That was the sweetest thing to wake up to guys. You three passin’ him around like that,” Kid says with a giant smile. “I want those pictures. And Sully you teach him to piss me off and I’ll teach him how to break your neck.” She offers an idle threat, making all four of us chuckle.

  “How ya feelin’?” Cal asks.

  “Amazing,” she sighs. “Didn’t know this existed. Can’t imagine life without it now.”

  Kellerman comes back in with bottles of water smiling at the sight of his woman and child.

  “Just saw Kate comin’ this way with his next supplement,” Kellerman tells Kid kissing her hair before he takes his seat. He opens a water and hands it to Kid. Johnny makes a weird sound and takes a deep breath. Before we can freak Kellerman explains, “He’s learnin’ how to breathe while he eats. Don’t freak.” We relax as ordered. I didn’t know babies had to learn to breathe and eat but again, he’s not supposed to be here for another six weeks. That’s a long time in the baby cooking department.

  “Where’d the mas go?” Kid asks.

  “Shoppin’,” we all say in unison. Kid smiles and shakes her head. This baby is going to be so spoiled.

  “They offered to come home with us. I think it’s a good idea, but if you all don’t want ’em to they don’t have to,” Kid explains rubbing a nervous hand across her forehead.

  “You know we don’t care. Why are you even askin’?” O’Sullivan scoffs.

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to put you guys out with a baby and grandmothers.”

  “Kid, stop worryin’ about us. We’re good. Havin’ him around is not an imposition. I feel like we’ve gone back in time thirteen years,” Cal says shoving a frustrated hand through his hair.

  “What?” Kellerman asks confused.

  “When we were tryin’ to get her to move in with us back in the day she always acted like she was an imposition. Drove us nuts,” O’Sullivan fills Kellerman in. Kid grins.

  “Sounds like her,” Kellerman says smiling at his woman. “Always thinkin’ about everyone else.”

  “Somebody’s gotta think about these idiots, they sure as shit don’t,” Kid huffs.

  The nurse walks in halting our conversation.

  “How’s he doin’?” she asks.

  “He latched on great and he’s taken a few deep draws. I didn’t get him weighed or changed yet.” Kid tells her. “My brother was holdin’ him and needed a quick reprieve when Johnny started fussin’.”

  “Boob in the mouth shuts me up too,” O’Sullivan says under his breath. Making all the men in the room snicker while the ladies roll their eyes.

  “Like father, like son,” Kellerman says confidently. That makes everyone laugh. When we got here yesterday I didn’t know what to expect so I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best. Sitting in a room laughing while Kid nurses her son…better than anything I hoped for.

  Shannon

  June 15, 2014

  We get to take Johnny home today! He has met all of his discharge requirements including a pulmonary exam clearing him to fly home (private jet). I am ecstatic and freaked the fuck out in equal measure. Maggie and Mary are with us so it’s not like Kel and I are on our own, but still we’re first time parents. My boys have also stayed here with us despite me trying to convince them to go back home. And of course Thomas has stayed dutifully watchful in the waiting room every day. The man knows no bounds and I love him for it. The media have tried to come up here twice and met his giant scary enforcement. I think the hospital wants to hire him at this point. Rodger has also stayed with us, driving my brood around Seattle. The level of commitment the people in my life have to me is unreal. I’ll take it and then some right now because I feel like a damn basket case!

  “What is that?” Kel asks as Maggie and Mary enter the room.

  “It’s called a stroller, Dylan. I didn’t think you were this ill informed,” Maggie explains shocked by Kel’s question.

  “I know what a stroller is Ma,” he chides. “That’s a damn tank. Who bought that?”

  “I did. It’s an Emmaljunga. It Swedish and safe. And you’re right, it’s pretty much a tank,” I inform him moving over to check it out.

  “It’s a what?” Kel looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language (I guess I am). He’s holding Johnny in one hand which has become his thing. I don’t think we ever put the baby down between him and me and the rest of the family.

  “It’s an em-uhl-young-uh,” I enunciate the name to help him out.

  “Okay,” he stretches the word out. “Where’s the seat? That just looks like a bed.”

  “This is a bassinet. We have the seat at home for when he can sit up better.”

  “Ooh, nice stroller,” Kate compliments as she comes in the room. I lift an eyebrow at Kel and he smirks back. “European?”

  “Swedish. I imported it,” I say moving to Kel to hold my baby. It’s my turn.

  “You imported it?” Kel repeats.

  “Yes. Is that a problem?” I ask warningly.

  “You never cease to amaze me, Kiddo,” he responds placing Johnny on my chest and a quick kiss on my lips. We need to have sex. The tension between us is completely sex based. Good thing we’ll be home by tonight.

  “All right guys. You’re all set to head out. Any last questions before you go?” Kate asks.

  “Will you come home with us?” I ask seriously. She laughs and wraps Johnny and me in a sweet embrace. She pulls back and looks me in the eye.

  “You don’t have any need for me. You’re just fine. But if you feel it necessary don’t hesitate to call.”

  “Okay,” I say meekly feeling like a wimp. “Thanks for everything, Kate.”

  She nods as I walk over to the stroller, lay Johnny down and swaddle him like a burrito which he loves. Kel pushes a cart full of our hospital stuff behind me as we walk through the hospital. I know the media are here, but Thomas has assured me he’s got Rodger waiting somewhere safe. Cassie’s parents have been put in protective custody until their trial. The Yates’ empire is crumbling further daily and the media is having a field day with it. The Yates’ have lost their freedom, their daughter and their grandson all because they were greedy.

  The meeting Cassie had the day she died was to check on new product from Mexico. Nicky’s been able to track down some of the cartel she was dealing with and may be able to shut down some of their operations. Cassie could have killed my son…I don’t know how to get beyond that, other than to be thankful that she made me a mother. Kel is convinced she did cocaine the day her and her father had that meeting but we have no proof of that. He won’t really talk about her…he’s too mad. He’s also gone a bit primitive since Johnny was born. He speaks in grunts and single word sentences a lot. It’ll be good to get home and away from the media for all of us.

  We end up walking out an ambulance bay where no one but hospital staff is allowed. There’s Rodger beaming from ear to ear. I climb into the SUV and Kel hands me the baby. I strap him in to the car seat securely making sure he’s breathing and comfortable. He’s swallowed up in this thing. He’s able to ride in a normal car seat instead of a preemie car seat because he’s so tall (long). He’s the longest baby born at thirty-four weeks gestation the hospital has ever had. He’s going to be big like his daddy. I take the seat next to the baby while everyone else piles in. Kel sits behind Johnny able to keep a watchful eye.

  “I dropped the guys at the plane already. We’ll be to the airport shortly, Shannon,” Rodger says as he eases the SUV into traffic. It’s the most careful he’s ever driven me and I smile at the back of his head in thanks. Johnny’s eyes are open and he’s staring at his daddy. They do this a lot. While Johnny sometimes looks at me, I seem to put him to sleep more often than not. I watch Kel reach his hand over the seat and place one giant rough finger in his son’s grasp. Johnny grasps it and keeps staring.

  “We’re goin’ home bud,” Kel beams. “I get to eat home cooked food for the first time in months and work out on a regular b
asis again.”

  “Lord knows you need it,” Maggie snarks watching Kel and her grandson with a grin.

  “Gotta look good for Momma,” Kel says to Johnny. I snort and shake my head.

  “Don’t think that’s a problem, Dylan,” Maggie says looking at me with a knowing smile. Yeah that’s definitely not a problem. The man is simply gorgeous and fatherhood agrees with him. Johnny yawns, bored with his father’s conversation.

  We pull up to the tarmac and climb out. Kel carries Johnny in his car seat onto the jet while my boys, Thomas and Rodger unload the SUV. Tanner and the other pilot are there to greet us. I wave at them and climb onto the jet.

  “That dude can’t be old enough to fly this plane,” Kel says removing Johnny from his car seat before flopping down into a leather seat. I climb into the seat next to them and buckle myself in before reaching for the baby. Kel hands him to me one-handed. I scoop him up and lay him on my chest. Everyone gets in the plane and takes their seats. My guys take the long couch next to Kel and I, everyone else heads behind us. I hope Thomas is okay.

  We taxi and quickly take off. I can’t wait to be home. Johnny starts to fuss so I pull my boob out and let him nurse. I was able to produce enough milk to nurse him exclusively for now. Everyone in the hospital was quite impressed with that feat. I don’t think he’s hungry but the doctors said it would help his ears if he suckled.

  “I’ll never get used to that,” Kavy says motioning at my boob.

  “I figured that’s why you need so many randoms. Tryin’ to find a good pair,” I snark.

  “Uh, it’s the pussy I’m after not the tits. But starin’ at yours and not getting’ a semi is new,” Kavy says in a low grunt.

  “Sorry to ruin your fun,” I snark back.

  “I’m not,” Kel huffs and we all chuckle.

  Johnny settles and falls asleep still latched on. He does this all the time. I cover myself with my shirt and lean my head back to nap. The cockpit door opens pulling me from my nap attempt. Tanner walks out and brings sandwich trays and drinks. When he approaches us I give him a megawatt smile.