Love: A Messy Business

by Abbie Walton

  Colin grunted with the effort of trying to lift the heavy container high enough to be able to pour the contents over Kate’s head. It was especially tricky as there were no handles and it was tough to get a good grip, especially with hands that were not exactly clean. Things started off well enough, although not for Kate, and the cold, lumpy liquid was slowly deposited over her. She was frozen again, hands gripping the chair, back ramrod straight, holding her breath until she could sense the deluge was coming to an end. Her cleavage was absolutely swamped again with this new influx. But then Colin lost grasp of the container, which was still about half-full. He lurched across Kate to try and catch it, but slipped on an especially skiddy patch of tarp and fell to the ground with a crash and a very rude word. Immediately, Kate threw her head back to allow her to see what was going on, spattering the back wall with all kinds of food in the process. Seeing Colin lying flat out on the floor and realizing what had happened, she burst into laughter.

  “Serves you right, you bastard!” she yelled. Colin tried to sit up. Kate realized that there was still some food left in the bottom of the container. She picked it up triumphantly, emptied it over Colin’s, and stuck the empty container on his head, just to finish it off. Colin quickly through the bin up over his head and cleared the mess off his face in time to see Kate grinning at his astonished expression. Kate could never quite remember how, and hardly believe what, happened next as it was so out of character for her.

  She pushed Colin back to the floor and sat down on his crotch. She had the presence of mind to turn around and reach out a sticky finger to delicately hold the off-switch down on the computer to turn it off.

  She then turned back to Colin who, it must be said, was quite comfortable having Kate sitting on his crotch. Still, he was not expecting that Kate would bend over and kiss him full on the lips and then again, with a hint of tongue this time. Colin responded enthusiastically, hardly believing his luck. If this was beyond more than he could ever have hoped for, it was only going to get better.

  “Let’s get these bloody clothes off!” suggested Kate, who immediately took the lead by whipping off her top, revealing that spectacular bra, that Colin found even more spectacular because of its messy contents. Ever the gentleman, Colin felt it was only right he should lend a hand.

  “Here, let me help you with that.” Colin fumbled, as almost all men do, with the clasp at the back of Kate’s bra, not helped by the fact that his hands were dripping in gunk. But perseverance won the day and eventually it was undone. He removed the strap from each shoulder and pulled the bra away from Kate’s cleavage, leaving her extremely messy chest within inches of his face. Colin needed no invitation to get even closer, thrusting his face between them and using his hands to press them into each side of his face, as though he was quite prepared to drown in them right there and then. By now, Kate was thrusting around on top of Colin, very obviously enjoying the attention that she was receiving. She unstraddled him, only to remove his trousers, an act which revealed a very noticeable bulge in his underwear. She removed the underwear as well to reveal Colin’s tackle in all its motivated glory.

  As she went to grab it, Colin grabbed her hand and said to her. “Quick, let’s get in the shower and get cleaned up. We don’t want to get any infections, you know.” Kate nodded eagerly. A shower for two sounded wonderful. She stood up and walked towards the door, then realized she was going to drip food all the way down the landing if she carried on. She stopped to try and wipe as much of the residual muck off her body before continuing. But Colin urged her on, obviously wanting to strike while the iron was hot.

  “Don’t worry about that, I’ll tidy it up later.” So Kate led the way, trying not to skid on the hardwood floor, to the bathroom that she had used last time she was messy – that was in somewhat different circumstances though! Colin was close behind, very much enjoying the view of her messy bottom as it wiggled and jiggled its way down the hall. He was very tempted to try and give it a cheeky squeeze but, again, he didn’t want to delay anything. Kate was very eager to get into the shower and jumped straight in. She turned on the shower and found the right temperature before she realized that she was still wearing her underwear and her stockings, which remarkably had not laddered at all in all the activity. She was about to take them off when Colin stopped her.

  “Keep them on please. Sheer stockings are so sexy when they are wet, and knickers are as well.” Kate kept them on but insisted on trying to extract the beans that were still inside and seemed insistent on finding every nook and cranny possible. “I’ll be discovering beans for the next two weeks,” sighed Kate with a resigned look on her face. Colin joined her in the shower, having removed his t-shirt, the only item of clothing he was still wearing. Kate could not help noticing that Colin was extremely well built, with large biceps, great pecs and, if not a six-pack, at least the makings of one.

  “Oh, you’ve hid this well”, she murmured as she stroked his chest and arms appreciatively. Colin responded by taking her in his arms, holding her back slightly and kissing her passionately. He could feel a certain swelling in a certain area and Kate soon felt it nudge up against her. For a man that had spent the last thirty minutes trying to get Kate as messy as possible, he was now just as committed to spend an equal amount of effort to make sure she was clean as a whistle. Kate’s chest seemed to demand the most attention and so total was Colin’s commitment that even his tongue was put into service to clean some of the most affected areas. For this, Kate was actually quite grateful and she found it necessary to repay the compliment, focusing on a certain area with such relish and expertise that the shower area, for a few seconds, reverted to a special kind of explosive messiness that Colin found to be extremely enjoyable.

  “Wow”, he gasped. “You are an incredible woman, Kate. An incredible woman. Will you marry me?”

  “And sign up to a lifetime of being covered in food? Err…let me think about that for a while, will you?”

  “Of course, take as long as you need”, Colin smiled. “But perhaps we should start off a bit more slowly. Are you still OK for our original date?”

  “As long as it doesn’t turn like this one did? Yep, that’s fine by me.”

  “Great! I’ll let you get cleaned up properly then. I’m OK for now.”

  Kate couldn’t remember ever having enjoyed a shower as much before. She took off her knickers, evicted the last remaining couple of beans and also peeled off her stockings. They would have to be got rid of, she thought. There was no redemption for them. She tried to rinse as much gook out of her hair as she could before applying the first round of shampoo. The floor of the shower had bits of vegetable, mushy peas and beans all over it by the time she was done. Kate wondered how on earth the drains could cope with what must be sent down the plughole on a regular basis. Kate was surprised how easy, relatively speaking, it was to get her hair clean. It was amazing what hot water and shampoo could do and she only needed two attempts for her hair to feel like it was pretty much back to normal. She suspected, however, that the smell was going to be a little more difficult to fix – she’d have to decide what to do about that.

  She also suddenly realized that the only clothes she had with her were completely wrecked and totally unwearable. How on earth was she going to get home?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN: AN AFTERMATH CONVERSATION

  Kate emerged from the shower after ten minutes, feeling cleaner than she had ever felt before – it was all relative of course. She no longer felt that she was a vile-smelling putrid mess and she was relieved to have survived the ordeal. She might be a bit of a girly-girl at times, but she could also be tough and determined when she put her mind to it.

  Having no clean clothes to put on, she wrapped herself in a towel and emerged onto the landing in search of Colin. It was good timing because he had just emerged from his bedroom and was coming to see how she was getting on. He looked decidedly sheepish.

  “Feeling better?”

  “Just a bit, thanks.”


  “I don’t really know what to say after that shower, Kate. I wasn’t expecting that to happen, I can tell you that.”

  “Well, neither was I!”

  “I’m glad it did though, but…well, what does it mean for us? Anything? Or was it just something that happened…and we both make a solemn vow not to mention it ever again?”

  “Which would you prefer?” replied Kate, coyly, keeping her cards very much to her chest.

  “Well…I really like you Kate. I really do…I hope I’ve made that pretty clear by now. I’m kind of hoping that you feel the same way and we might, you know, consider this as the…er… start of a relationship.”

  “Colin…”

  “Yes…?”

  “You do see a very big problem with what you are proposing, don’t you?” Colin looked very confused.”

  “I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t.”

  “Well, if anyone should ask us down the line, as someone is bound to do at some point, how we got together – then what the hell are we going to say?” Colin visibly relaxed once he knew that Kate was just teasing him.

  “Ah…good point. Well, we could see that we both share a love of food, or something. I am sure we can figure something out. Leaving that admittedly important consideration aside for just one moment, is there anything else stopping you from saying yes?” Kate paused, and she was much more serious this time. Colin was a handsome, intelligent and interesting man and he seemed to have a bit of money to his name, which was a plus. However, the unavoidable fact remained that he had a food fetish, if there was even such a thing. What did that really say about him as a person? Was it just an eccentric quirk or did it belie something deeper, something perhaps that Kate should be wary of when it came to deciding whether or not to embark on an actual relationship? She did not have very long at all to make up her mind and it was for that reason that she decided that she needed some more space and time to consider this properly.

  “Look, Colin…” Those two words were enough to make Colin drop his head in disappointment, guessing that this was not going to be good news. “The honest answer is that I’m not really sure what I think. It’s all happened very quickly, you know, and I need to get my head around it.

  “Don’t worry, I understand. I bet I know exactly what you’re thinking – is he a normal chap that just likes something a bit weird, or is he just a bit weird? That’s a question that I’ve asked myself, actually.”

  “And what was your answer, can I ask?”

  “I’m not sure I’ve ever got an answer. One thing I do know, though. And that is that there is really no such thing as normal. Everyone has their little quirks and funniosities, it’s just that mine happens to be a bit sexual, that’s all. But there are plenty of people that are into some pretty weird shit and they seem to get through life OK – you wouldn’t think there was anything different about them just by looking at them or even talking to them. I mean, be honest – you would never have guessed what I was into if I hadn’t asked you to participate, would you?

  “Never in a million years. I knew there was something going on, but I wasn’t even close to putting all the clues together.

  “What clues were they?”

  “Well, a few things really. Grocery vans have been seen arriving here with lots of stuff, as have women who arrive in nice clothes, but leave a few hours later in different clothes and with wet hair.”

  “Wow, someone’s really been spying on me, haven’t they?” Can you tell me who?”

  “No-one has been spying on you, it’s just that people talk about what they see and you do live on the main road. There are often people going past in cars or on the bus, or by bike of course.”

  “OK, then what else?”

  “Well, you were seen coming out of the Spa with a box of custard tins…and then there is this application for keeping pigs and hens. Of course, I get it now – you want the hens to provide you with a steady supply of eggs and you want the pigs to eat up all the food slop that’s left from your damn Mucky Bucket.”

  “You’re right of course, but there’s another reason for the pigs.”

  “Bacon?”

  “Well, yes, bacon! But something even more exciting than that – when you have pigs you need a pigsty.

  “Well, obviously – so?”

  “So – a pigsty is a perfect place to shoot some mudwrestling – I could make a fortune selling those videos.”

  “Ugh! That’s disgusting, Colin, even by your standards.” Colin grinned.

  “I know, that’s why it would make a lot of money – where there’s muck there’s brass, you know. Anything else?”

  “Well, the oddest clues were what I found when I tried to find one of your shirts last night, after the shower. I couldn’t find where you kept them but I did stumble across a couple of rooms that were very odd indeed.

  “Aha, doing a bit of snooping where you? Don’t worry, I forgive you. I can hardly do anything else after tricking you here tonight, can I? So you found the tiled room then?”

  “Yes, and the other room with the tarpaulin on the floor and some big thing in the middle that was all covered up.”

  “Aha, my pride and joy. I bet you couldn’t guess what it was, could you? Would you like me to show you?”

  “Why not? But first, I have a problem that needs solving.” Kate pointed to her current clothing which consisted entirely of a towel. “I can’t go home like this and I obviously cannot go home in the clothes I was wearing. Can I borrow another shirt? And a pair of shorts, if you have them? That will have to do – if I l leave here late enough then my mum and dad will be in bed and they won’t be asking awkward questions.”

  “Actually, I have a better idea. Come down the hallway and I’ll show you.” Colin took her down a few feet to a door which she hadn’t noticed before. Colin opened it and revealed a small cupboard full of clothes, some of them bright and shiny. As Colin moved some of the clothes along the rack, Kate could clearly see that they were all women’s clothes.”

  “So, you’re telling me that you enjoy wearing women’s clothing now, are you? Kate asked, teasingly. “I think I might be able to handle a man who likes his mushy peas, but I draw the line at a transvestite.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! What do you think I am, some kind of pervert? Wait, don’t answer that! No, this is my costume wardrobe for my models to use when we are doing a shoot.” Some shoots require regular clothing which the girls can bring themselves – a sexy secretary is a popular one, for example. But sometimes, we need something a little more unusual, which you wouldn’t expect them to have in their wardrobe, so we supply the costume for them. I was thinking you might like to select one to wear home tonight.”

  Kate began to sift through what was available, looking for something that she could possibly wear. There was a clown outfit, which was out of the question. There was a French maid’s uniform with an obscenely short skirt that was also a non-starter. There was also a rubber suit that Kate thought was damaged.

  “Look, it’s got a hole in the crotch.”

  “Err…That’s supposed to be there, Kate, it’s a crotchless suit. It’s great fun watching the food come out of it.”

  “Oh, right. Of course. Well, I am definitely not wearing that home.”

  “Pity!” Kate raised her eyebrows, not just at Colin but the whole of the male gender.

  There were only three items left – an old wedding dress, still looking remarkably white after all the punishment it must have suffered, a bright orange prison uniform and a cowgirl outfit. Kate figured that the last one was the best bet, or the least worst option to be more precise. All she needed was the denim skirt, even though it was way too short for her liking, white shirt and the boots (which were slightly too big but she could manage to wear for such a short time. The ten-gallon hat and the leather waistcoat were definitely dispensable accessories.

  “You don’t happen to have any knickers, do you? I’d rather not go home without any, especially with a
skirt this length – I do have some standards you know.”

  “There should be some thongs in that basket on the floor. I think all the regular ones are in the wash.”

  “Oh right, good – that will have to do. I’ll get changed in the bathroom and then you can show me your mystery item in that room…”

  As Kate went to the bathroom to change, Colin pondered the impossibility of trying to understand how the female mind worked. Just a few minutes ago, he had personally been filling up Kate’s knickers with beans and then helping her get very, very clean in the shower and yet now she felt the need to secrete herself in the bathroom while she got changed. Ah well…he suspected he would never understand it, even if he lived to be a hundred and fifty.

  Kate came out of the bathroom a couple of minutes later and feeling very self-conscious in that short skirt, which she suspected, rightly, left a good portion of her backside on show at the merest lift of the hem.

  “OK then, show me what you’ve got!”

  Colin grinned as though he was an excited schoolboy about to show off his new toy.

  “Let’s see if you recognize this…” he said as he entered the room and started to remove the covering from the object. Kate may have been inexperienced at this, but even she could tell what this was.

  “Oh, it’s a gunge tank!”

  “Yes, but not just any old gunge tank. Oh no, this little beauty is the very one that appeared for years on Noel’s House Party.”

  “Really? How on earth did you get hold of it?”

  “Saw it on eBay. The BBC props department got rid of it shortly after the series ended and it’s been traded around the WAM community pretty much ever since. The last owner was relocating to South America and there was no way he could afford to have it shipped over there – and now it’s mine.” Colin stroked it affectionately, rather like Gollum did with his magic ring in the Hobbit. He did, however, stop short of calling it “my precioussss.”