by Shey Stahl
“I gave him head when I was sixteen. We almost had sex a few weeks later. And then again a couple weeks ago. But he stopped us and said he couldn’t do it.”
Easton tensed, his chest rising and falling rapidly as if he was struggling just to get air, only he was getting too much.
“Do you love him?”
“I will always have feelings for Rager. I’m sorry. But I don’t love him enough to leave you.”
“You did leave me.”
“And you know what I’m talking about.”
Easton nodded, because he did know.
We were both quiet for a minute when he stepped forward. “Where does that leave us now?”
“I’m not sure.” I admitted, because I wasn’t sure.
His hands were shaking, unsure if I was going to push him away this time but I needed Easton. I did.
It might seem crazy and I’m confused. I am, but mom was right. There’s a reason why I fell for him. There was a reason why I married him.
“I love you,” he assured me, his palms cradling my face, his mouth inches from mine. His eyes searched mine, unsure. A sense of familiarity seeping into both our pores. Rager and I had history but Easton and I had more than history, we had this level of intimacy that only a husband and wife can navigate. Were we back to normal? Far from it. Was it wrong for us to want each other physically at this moment? Nothing wrong at all, this was one step in our journey back to each other and I was going to take it.
I wasted no time when I brought his lips to mine. When his lips finally touched mine, they were hesitant and unsure. Something happened when he did kiss me though. It happened in both of us. It had been since May since we were intimate and I knew it’d been that long for him. Immediately we were a tangle of hands racing to find each other and breathing heavily.
He unbuckled his belt and then his jeans pushing them down just enough to free himself, gliding his hand from base to tip twice. There’s part of him that’s teasing me, I could feel it. He wanted to make me beg, see how bad I wanted it. I didn’t even care that it was against a wall. I just wanted him.
“I missed you…so much…” His hands moved to my ass while both my legs curled around his waist, my heels pressed against his ass, feeling him flexing forward. With his words, tears welled in my eyes, overcome by this, him, us.
I watched the movements in his chest, his stomach, the look on his face. I watched the way he watched me, so unsure but yet, never stopping. He knew if I didn’t want this I would have stopped him.
Without breaking eye contact, he entered me. His sad eyes, as if he thought this is the last time, fall from mine. I know he could see the emotions in my eyes. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t look at me. Maybe for once, my intensity is too much. I know he could see the desperation, the urgency, the hunger in them.
He kissed me deeply, sliding in and out of me as he tried to keep himself steady holding me against the wall with his movements. It wasn’t easy but the friction was exactly what I needed.
The fire inside me built quickly up my thighs and into the pit of my stomach as my orgasm hit me.
I felt like my knees would have buckled at how good that felt, how badly I needed that.
His pace quickened when I moaned into his ear, shaking around him frantically clawing at his shoulders to keep him near me. My heart beat against his, thumbing wildly in my ears.
He made just two more movements before I felt his body tense, his back tight, fingers digging into my ass as he drove into me once more.
“You have no fucking idea how sexy you are.” He breathed, slumping against me. His hands and arms were still shaking as he tried to control his breathing and actually move.
When he did, he gently picked me up and carried me over to the couch where he laid down and pulled me against him. We didn’t even bother putting our clothes on…it just felt good to be skin to skin. Tracing lazy circles on my back, Easton and I fell asleep this way. A comfort that I didn’t realize I’d needed and wanted overtook me that night.
I heard him leave around three in the morning and I knew he had hours to get back to Chicagoland Speedway. The fact that he flew all the way here, for me, on my birthday meant something pretty special to me.
What I did find was a letter on the counter next to my phone that made me realize that just because I was feeling one way, didn’t mean he wasn’t either.
I felt the pressure from the very beginning. I knew I was in over my head but I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t not do it. I knew what I was risking too. I saw it in your eyes when I told you. I’m to blame for this but I didn’t want to admit it. I hope that you can forgive me.
Love - E
Searching – To gain speed on the track a driver will search for the fastest line that works with his particular set-up. You’ll notice a driver searching when they go high, and then low the next lap.
Weeks passed by and I didn’t leave Mooresville once I returned. I didn’t go back to my house, nor did Easton and I talk since that night in Elma.
I had no idea what would happen five years from now or even five minutes but I knew I needed to give Easton a chance. I wasn’t fair to him. I freaked out and left and never considered what that did to him.
Easton was my friend before we were ever involved and regardless of how confused I was, I wanted to be there for him those last few races. I needed to be. He need me and I think in a lot of ways, I needed him too.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to believe Easton. I did. He was my husband and regardless of what Olivia told everyone, I loved him.
The thing was, no matter how I felt about Rager, it didn’t change the fact that I made a vow to Easton, someone I loved very much.
So I made the decision to head to Easton’s last race of the season at Homestead. It was the race that would decide if he won the triple duty or not. Going into Homestead with him, Asher and Brody were only separated by twelve points.
No sooner had I walked into the drivers’ compound and Lexi spotted me as she stood outside Brody’s motor coach staring at her phone.
“Hey…” I said bumping into her.
At first she ignored me and then she realized who I was. “Oh my God, you’re back!”
“I am.” I tried to sound just as excited but there was no matching Alexis Riley’s enthusiasm.
“And I’m pregnant!” She blurted out, as if the words hurt her physically to keep inside.
“Are you shitting me?”
“Nope.” She laughed rubbing her stomach as if she was nine months pregnant. Clearly she wasn’t even showing. “I haven’t shit in like a week.”
“When did you find out?”
Lexi shrugged. “Two weeks ago.”
“And you didn’t tell me.”
“Brody wanted to wait but I couldn’t keep it any longer. He doesn’t want me to tell my dad.”
I let out a little laugh looking around the drivers’ compound. It was about an hour before the race which left it pretty bare. Most everyone was trackside. “I can’t say I blame him.”
“Spencer is harmless compared to your dad.”
I rolled my eyes as we started walking toward the pits, her arm around my shoulders. “He hates it when you call him Spencer.”
“Yeah, well I hate not being able to go poop. My stomach hurts.”
“I’m serious, I really missed you.” She said, hugging me to her side.
“I did too.”
As my luck would have it, the first person I ran into besides Lexi was Shaylee. Apparently she was still dating Brody’s tire changer.
I’ve never trusted Shaylee just based on the experience Axel had with her and the shit she pulled with him. And Olivia, yeah, that went without saying. She was obsessed with Casten and would do anything to get what she wanted there. I’m surprised she never messed with Hayden but not many people did. I’m pretty sure she’d murder anyone who tried.
With these girls, Olivia and Shaylee, if they thought they could get something out of o
ur family, they’d go for it. Olivia was just a nasty person anyway. I don’t mean that by looks either. She’s a nasty soul, tainted.
“Easton didn’t sleep with us.” Were the first words out of her mouth.
Part of me knew that. But I wanted to hear what she had to say.
Lexi glared at her. “You should have said that to her back in May.”
“I know that. I’m sorry. We waited until he was shit-faced and then went back to his motor coach and let ourselves in knowing you would find us there.”
“Why?” Lexi was doing most of the talking. I never had to do much when she was around. It was kind of nice.
“I was pissed at you for Rager.”
“Rager?” I asked, stunned by that response. I was lost at that point and she knew it. As she started to speak, it made sense.
“He won’t move on from you.” Her voice was timid. “I’ve tried to get him to.”
“So you thought you’d destroy my perfect life?” My words were sarcastic, just as they were meant to be.
“Yeah.” You could tell immediately she knew how stupid that response was.
I laughed. “I got news for you. My life is far from perfect.” I kind of lost it at that point. “You guys think my life is fucking perfect and yeah, I have a life that people only dream of but there’s a side you’ll never see, and probably don’t want to.”
“I’m sorry.” Shaylee’s eyes dropped from mine. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Just stay out of my life. That’s what I want you to do. And stay away from my husband. Stay away from my brothers, and stay away from Rager. You don’t deserve someone like him.”
I didn’t have time to waste with Shaylee.
Lexi looked at me with wide eyes and then motioned toward Easton’s hauler where I knew he was. I moved as quickly as I could wanting to make it before he left for the pre-race activities. I got to the door and paused, drawing in a deep breath before opening the door.
When he saw me open that door and smile, you could literally see the relief wash over him. I think there was a big part of him that thought when he left Elma, he might not see me again until the season was over.
“Arie?”
I smiled and stepped towards him. He reached for me, his hands hesitant.
Kyle cleared his throat. “I’ll give you two a minute.” He looked over his shoulder at Ben. “Let’s go see about those notes.”
“What notes?”
Kyle slapped the side of Ben’s head. “Boy, don’t question me. Notes. We have notes to look at it.”
Poor Ben was clueless. “Right…notes.”
As I watched Easton, there was some hesitation in his eyes as he watched me, unsure what this was between us now.
Had we lost it completely?
I don’t think we did. We just had to find the us that we once were. Together we’d find the us and with the season drawing to a close, there’d be a lot more time to find the parts of us that had been missing, had gotten lost, or just simply needed a little more attention.
“Can we go away together?” I was about to say something when he shook his head, “I don’t care where or when, just that it’s only me and you.”
I nodded, my tears stinging my eyes. “I would like that.”
He smiled but it was weak. The pressure of the day and what we had been through was weighing him down so much. His hand raised cupping his palm against my cheek, his thumb brushing over my cheek. “I promise I’ll show you how much you mean to me.”
Jessie stuck her head inside, a nervous presence in her eyes thinking Easton would be mad she intruded. “You need to get out there.”
She wasn’t trying to pressure us, but he did have obligations.
Easton then turned to me. “Please stay. Don’t leave.”
I wasn’t going anywhere and he knew it when he looked at me.
“I’m not going anywhere. I love you…” I told him wrapping my arms around him.
He smiled, a sense of contentment washing over his face. He knew I’d still be here when he was done, I wasn’t running this time.
Loose In – When a car enters the turn, and it’s loose, the back end of the car will want to fishtail.
I’m not that girl who needs to talk about every single little detail until we’re so blue in the face we forgot why we started the conversation in the first place. Easton is exactly the opposite. That just goes back to his thing about numbers. He analyzes everything.
What surprised me was when I went to Homestead to see that final race, not a lot was said because of the day.
It was the next morning on the flight back to Charlotte when we finally spoke and I understood him a little more, saw where he was coming from. “You look different.” Easton noted squinting into the early morning sun streaming through the small window to the right. He brought his coffee to his lips and smiled around the cup when my eyes found his.
“I feel different.” I relaxed across from him, my bare feet resting between his legs on his seat. His other hand that wasn’t on his cup was laid on my calf, gentle touches caressing me.
“Are you staying when we get back?”
“Yes…” I wondered why he wouldn’t think I would but given the last few months, it was natural for him to question me.
We were both quiet for around a half hour when he said, “I’ve known you loved Rager from the beginning.”
I gave him a look, surprised he said that but knowing damn well it was the truth.
“Your eyes light up when you see him.” He gave a regretful shake to his head as though he understood it, but it hurt to see. “Every time.”
“He’s a friend, E.”
Easton sighed and moved his gaze from the window to me. “Be honest with me. He’s more than a friend to you. I saw the pictures on your phone of you two.”
“When?” I wasn’t sure how to take that. Had he been snooping on my phone looking for evidence?
“The morning I left Elma. I had used your phone for an alarm since mine was dead. I wasn’t trying to snoop but I’ll admit, it hurt to see them.
I didn’t say anything for a long moment. “He’s more, isn’t he?”
I didn’t want to answer that question. I didn’t because I had yet to admit that to myself. But then I couldn’t deny it anymore. There was no sense. If I couldn’t be honest with Easton about my feelings for Rager, I had no business trying to work this out with him.
“He is.”
“I don’t want to be a second choice. As long as you give us, and me a chance, a real chance, I’m okay with that. I wouldn’t blame you for leaving. I wouldn’t even before that night in Charlotte…but I don’t want you to leave. I love you.”
“I love you too, E. I do. And this is me giving you a chance. Us a chance. You’re not entirely to blame. I was pulling away because I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to stop what was happening to us. I got lost myself.” It seemed my feelings just started flowing and I told him everything. “I didn’t realize what was happening with me traveling with Rager before I got wrapped up in feeling something other than sadness and pressure. I’m sorry.”
Easton didn’t say anything more, I’m not sure he could. It was hard for him to hear that.
I’m glad Rager stopped us that night because if he hadn’t, Easton and I wouldn’t have made it. I know that. There would have been no going back. I was too far gone at that point but Rager saw it and he was right. It would have changed everything. And hurt so many.
I’ve never enjoyed New York. When I was younger it was new and exciting but as I got older, I liked it less and less. Now I couldn’t stand going there.
That year with Easton was different. Maybe because I wasn’t thinking about all the people and everything I hated about the city. I was focused on one and making it work. I wanted Easton to know I was there for him.
Kyle and I were sitting at the table in the audience at the NASCAR Cup series awards banquet while Brody and Lexi sat proud
ly on the stage. He’d won the championship by wins. When there’s a tie breaker, which there was, the title goes to the driver with the most wins. Brody had twelve and Easton had eleven.
“Can a normal marriage really work through this lifestyle? I see all these families here and somehow these people are making it work.”
“Don’t ask me.” Kyle laughed sipping his drink. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
It’s not easy living this lifestyle. Not everyone can stand that test on their relationship and the time away from each other. Even the best marriages fail at times.
Me leaving Easton was on impulse. I saw something. I left.
Was it good for us?
Yeah, I think so. I never asked for a divorce and neither did Easton. We just needed time. Eventually we found our way back to one another.
Did I still think about Rager?
Yes. I couldn’t help it. I would forever have feelings for him and Easton understood that. He didn’t like it but he understood.
I couldn’t say I would ever act on those feelings because I finally understood it wasn’t just me I was hurting leading him on that way.
The commotion of the ceremony around me drew my attention. Inhaling a deep breath that wasn’t exactly possible in the tight dress I was in, I smiled at the stage when I saw Easton. My hands went to the necklace around my neck he gave me this morning. It was a sliver chain with a platinum sparkplug on the end of it. He said it had meaning and I would find out during his speech.
My heart was in my throat when he appeared from the shadows dressed in that black tux.
The announcer stepped up to the microphone. “He’s following the footsteps and in the seat of an American legend. It’s hard to live up to it but if anyone can, it’s this young man as he proved that this year. Earning a title in both the Nationwide series and Craftsman Truck series, and your second place finisher in the NASCAR Sprint Cup series, Easton Levi.”
Collected whistles and clapping rung through the room as Easton approached the podium.
