by Shey Stahl
Easton’s a cracking wood proposal, a tequila touch, Midwest wheeler chasing a legendary dream. He’s a tortured tremble he can’t control. Superspeedway calm and control, summer secrets and trusting turns. He’s Darlington determined, a moonlight maybe and a sunlight surrender. He’s a hugger, loves slow and thorough, consumed by fame, adrenaline addicted, a promise breaker and weighted.
I’m inherently tied to both, controlled by a feeling they both give, consumed by my own need, my own thrill of what each brings. In a nutshell, I’m totally and completely fucked.
Friday morning we were back in Mooresville. I made my way over to JAR Racing around noon only to find Rager there with Dave and Willie. Both left as soon as they saw me.
We stood there in silence, him leaned against the rear tire of his car, me leaning against the rear tire of Casten’s car parked right next to it.
“I’m sorry about last night.” He said, softly more to the ground than me as he crossed his arms over his chest. I was kind of glad he did. I didn’t want to see his eyes.
“Don’t be. I am. I’m confused and I didn’t mean to lead you on. Things are just really screwed up lately.”
“Is that what you were doing?” He looked at me then, and like I thought, it took my breath with it. “Leading me on?”
“I don’t know.”
He nodded, staring at the floor again. He hesitated but then stepped forward pushing himself off the tire. Standing before me, his body pressed against mine. His lips touched my bare shoulder and then my neck. “I feel like I see that guy in front of me. I know his position, I know the line he’s taking and I can easily dip down to that low line and slide past him for position in the turn. If he’s not careful, his girl just might be gone with a slide job.”
Rager’s arms were still wrapped around me when the door to the shop opened.
Of all the times to have Easton come by the shop, he does it then. Seeing for himself that I did have feelings for Rager. There was no denying it.
“So what, you leave me because of my lifestyle and you go for Rager Sweet? That’s fucking rich, Arie. You know he’s fucked more girls than Casten.” Easton said, slamming the shop door behind him as he gave me a raised eyebrows look as he threw his hands up. “Which is hard to believe.”
Nobody talks shit about my brothers. No one. Ever.
He wasted no time in approaching us, full of determination and anger.
“So that’s how it is?” Easton looked at me, demanding an answer.
I took a step toward Easton, my hands on his chest pushing him back and giving up some privacy. “Stop it.”
“Me, stop? Are you fucking him?”
“No, I’m not.”
“This is un-fucking believable! Here I am wondering how I can fix this and here you are wondering when you can jump his dick. What the fuck was I thinking?” Easton was pacing like a caged animal just ready to attack.
“Easton, it’s not like that and I haven’t slept with him.”
“You fucking expect me to believe that but you won’t believe that I wasn’t with Shaylee and Olivia? Yeah, Mr. Kettle meet Mrs. Pot.”
Easton was so worked up, he was pacing and flailing arms and mumbling to himself. Half the shit he was mumbling I couldn’t even understand.
When Easton got like this, it was best for me not to even speak. It would just fuel his emotions. He needed to calm down so we could discuss this. Wait, what? I was the one who wouldn’t give him the time of day and walked out when I found him in bed with those pit lizards.
Rager was watching us. Immediately I could tell he wanted to come over but he was giving us our space. And it was killing him. He needed to intervene. This was a fucked up situation no matter how you looked at it.
With a heavy drawn in breath, Rager pushed himself away from the wall and approached us. He motioned toward Easton. “Let me talk to him.”
“I don’t want to fucking talk to you.” Easton shook his head. “I want to talk to my wife.”
Rager flinched at the word wife. The words stung.
“Leave now before I make you leave!” Easton said, shoving him. “This doesn’t concern you.”
Rager caught himself nodding his head. He laughed, his thumb dragging slowly over his bottom lip. His head was bent forward, tipped slightly to the right when his eyes met Easton’s. “I think Arie would have something to say about me leaving. I’m not going to stand here and let you talk to her that way. You either talk to me, or you leave.” Rager stood straighter crossing his arms over his chest. “What’s it gonna be?”
Easton gave a nod outside. Rager did the same, as if to say okay. He winked at me when Easton slammed the door. “I’m not going to hit him or anything. Just let me talk to him.”
I did and walked upstairs only to see Casten up there with Gray. “Why are you here?”
He shrugged handing Gray a sucker. She took it, unwrapped it and stuck it in her mouth before ever acknowledging my presence. Even then she didn’t offer me much of a hello. Unless of course eye rolling is a hello.
I sighed and sat down on the floor in the middle of the room. It didn’t seem like a good idea to me but neither did anything that had happened the last few weeks.
“Easton and Rager are talking downstairs.”
“You mean fighting?”
“Rager wouldn’t hit him…that I know of.”
Casten looked at me and then smiled. “Come on, let’s go spy.”
He took me upstairs into the office area that overlooked the shop but the only way to hear anything would be by hanging out the window. And he had Gray to keep an eye on.
“I’m not hanging out the window with a baby.”
Casten opened the window. “You can hear everything they’re saying when this is open.”
I had to hand it to Casten. He was getting really good at this sneaking around thing and I kind of envied him of his abilities.
We peeked over the edge, but then I realized they could potentially see us. Casten had a plan for that too. He stole a mirror out of Hayden’s desk in the office and then propped it up on the window so we could see down to the parking lot.
Gray found Post-It notes in the drawer and started sticking them all over our legs as we spied.
When Rager got outside, Easton was immediately in his face.
“What the fuck?” Easton shoved Rager backwards.
“I think you’re forgetting something here. She was my girl first. Way before you ever came along.” Rager looked at him, annoyed and ready to hit him but he held back. “I don’t need to fight you to show you how right I am, do I, Easton? You’re the one fucking up right now. I had her once. I had her in my line. And I know that kills you because you think it’s not over between me and her. But I lost my chance. I see her every time I’m with a girl, doesn’t matter who. It’s always her. She’s mine but she never will be. She’s my epic love story. She’s my pace laps before the race I’ll never run. Had that flag waved for us, it would have been legendary. One for the record books.”
Easton wasn’t saying anything now. Surprisingly he was listening.
“I lost my engine. And if you’re not careful, your championship is going to slip through your fingers. I hope you’re the man I thought you were.”
He wasn’t talking about a championship.
It wasn’t that he was trying to rub it in Easton’s face either, he was simply stating the truth.
“If she would have been with me, you and I both know there would have been no going back. I lost my chance. You haven’t. She loves you whether you think she does or not.”
Rager was right. I never stopped loving Easton. But also, I never stopped loving Rager.
Easton walked away after that, a few words exchanged lower than what we could hear. Casten looked over at me when my phone beeped with a message. I was afraid to look. “And I thought my life was complicated at times.”
I punched Casten’s ear.
The message was from Easton.
F
or once in the last four months I didn’t turn to tequila that night. I turned to my mom.
I needed my mom. I realized then that me being there and needing her was exactly what pulled her through this.
“I can’t give you advice on what you need, or want.” She said over boxes of Chinese food. We were out by the pool sitting on lounge chairs and talking. Something I needed more than she can ever understand. “All I can say is that when you get married, you did it for a reason. You fell in love enough to stay. Being married is hard. You fall in and out of love with them, things that they do piss you off and maybe you’re more distant than you are at other times. But…you fell for a reasons. It’s about remembering what that reason was, or is. Why do you love him? If those reason are still the same, if the reason’s you still love him are still the same you need to give him a chance. People make mistakes. We say and do things we’re not proud of. It’s part of being human. Accepting that is part of being married. There’s times when I want to punch your father, but I love him his faults and all. Even the ones I can’t fucking stand. Like his skin phobia. I think it’s funny but the fact that he has to take two showers a day gets to be a little much. Sometimes it’s beyond annoying.”
“What do I do?” I set my container of orange chicken on the table next to me and stared up at the cloudless night.
“Remember why you fell in love.” She said, watching me.
“Are you saying choose Easton?”
Mom laughed. “I’m saying, if you love him, fight for him.” Mom said, giving me that look. “If not, you need to be honest with him, and Rager. You have to leave him alone if you’re going to choose Easton.” Mom said, giving me probably the best advice anyone had lately. “He’s struggling since you came back.”
I knew that. Since that night in Williams Grove, he’d yet to win let alone pull off a top five finish.
“Can I tell you something, Arie?”
“Yeah…”
“I’m happy you’re here. I know it feels like your life is a mess and what happened with Easton sucks…but I needed you and I didn’t even know it. You’ve made these last two months easy on me and I…can’t thank you enough.”
“No,” I moved from my chair to sit with her wrapping my arms around her. “Thank you.”
That night, I laid awake unable to wrap my mind around anything. I felt guilty. I didn’t realize what my actions had done to Rager. I’d been so selfish thinking that this was all about me when, in fact, it was more than just me. It was about two very important men in my life who were both suffering because of my actions. I had to fix this yet I wasn’t even sure how to go about fixing it.
Nothing happened over night. It couldn’t. Not with how far gone things had gone south. I wasn’t going to let it either. Too many times I’d acted on impulse and I wasn’t doing it any longer.
I didn’t travel with the team much until Knoxville Nationals and I helped with the merchandise trailers. I spent time with my mom, we designed all new gear for JAR Racing and the 25th Anniversary.
Eventually I did end up talking to Rager again. At Knoxville. It was the first night of racing while I was closing up the trailer and getting ready to go back to the hotel I was staying at with Hayden and Casten.
He came up behind me and smiled. It still got to me. I must have given him a look because his face broke when I did. “I can’t keep doing this with you. I’m sorry. I hold onto the fact that you might give me a shot. Like really give me a shot and it’s not gonna happen.”
“I did give you a shot.” I leaned against the side of his hauler. “A few times now.”
“No, you didn’t. You gave me you, but never a shot at actually having you in the ways he does. What do you want from me?”
“Your friendship.”
“I’m always gonna want more.” He was trying to detach himself from this feeling. I knew it by the look on his face. It was the same one I saw at my wedding. “I’m constantly baited by you. The way I love you is fucking all or nothing for me. In my eyes there’s no one good enough for you. Even me. Especially me.”
“Why?”
“I’m a fuck up baby. I’ve got racing. That’s all.”
For someone reason Rager believed he was a fuck up. I’ve never understood why but I never believed it either.
This situation had most definitely gotten out of control and I was the one holding the blame here. I didn’t like how I was acting. Easton was right when he said I was looking for an out. I was. I was looking for a way to clear my head. Instead, I complicated it even worse.
Those next few weeks, I kept a close eye on Easton. He was leading both the Truck and Nationwide points, and was only nineteen points out of the Cup championship as they had three races left before the chase started.
He won at Michigan that weekend after Knoxville Nationals so I sent him a text.
And he was. He was giving me exactly what I asked him for. I knew he was busy. He had a life too and a career that didn’t lend well to walking away. That wasn’t what I was asking of him either. I just wanted to find myself in all this. Figure out what I needed in a relationship and figure out which guy I needed to follow.
Every year since Grandpa Jimi died we have a memorial race for him at Grays Harbor. This year it landed on my birthday weekend, on my actual birthday. The race was called on rain though so everyone headed back home. I decided to stay that night at my parent’s home on Summit Lake they’ve had since Axel was born. We spent time here in the winters when I was younger but I hadn’t been back there since I was seventeen. Everything felt unfamiliar but yet, still home.
I was out on the deck listening to the rain and the ripples of the lake slapping at the dock when I heard a knock at the door. My bare feet squeaked on the mahogany floors as I ran toward the door.
When I opened it, I wasn’t surprised to see Easton standing there soaking wet.
“Of course you show up in a storm.”
“I was going for a romantic gesture. Did it work?”
I laughed. “A little.”
When he closed the distance between us, I sighed in contentment.
“What are you doing here?”
“I didn’t come here to fight. I just…I couldn’t not see you on your birthday.” He gave a half-hearted smile. It seemed like a rare sight. I hadn’t seen him smile in a long time. “Sorry I’m a day late.”
“You were a little busy.” I shrugged. “It was a good race though. You drove smart.”
“Seems I’m growing up a little.” It was his turn to laugh. There were tears in his eyes when he spoke again. His thumb moved over my shoulder and his broke. “I can’t do this anymore. Not without you. I don’t know what that says about me but I…I’m lost. I’m so fucking lost without you.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. “If you’re doing this, you need to do it for you and stick with it for you. Not me. When you decided to do it, it wasn’t for me. It was something you wanted. You didn’t decide on triple duty with me in mind and don’t quit, or win for me. Do it for yourself.”
“What if I can’t anymore?” It was an honest question. It wasn’t something where he had to think about it. He was so far lost in this he wondered that himself.
“You made the chase last night.” He smiled at my words knowing I watched. I wondered if he realized I hadn’t truly missed a single race. I was always watching. “I think you can do it.”
He knew I was right but he couldn’t bear to say it. He was struggling. I knew that but there wasn’t anything I could do for him. Or at least I didn’t think there was right then.
“I could say I’m sorry for everything that’s happened in the four months but what would that even mean? I think you need more than that, don’t you?”
“I don’t need apologies. I never have. What I needed was a man who loved me more than racing.”
He was still bitter when he said, “And Rager does?”
“That’s not the point, E.”
“I know.” His head hung, h
is feet shuffling feeling like I was going to ask him to leave any minute.
“And I’m sorry too.” I said, meaning it. It wasn’t all on him. It never could have been. He stepped closer, as if the distance was killing him.
“Tell me what you want, Arie.” I felt his breath hit my face as he spoke. “I’ll give you anything you want. I told you, I’ll walk away if it’s what you want.”
I paused because what comes next is the defining factor in all of this. My one chance to make a rational decision about my love life.
“I want you, Easton. You.”
“Are you sure? What about Rager? I know you feel something for him.”
“I won’t lie to you, Easton. I do. But it wasn’t enough that I want to leave you.”
“Why was it so easy for you to leave in the first place?”
“You have to admit, our problems started way before that night. It just felt like eventually you were making decisions by yourself, ones we should have made together. Like that magazine.”
He nodded knowing his mistakes. He’s not alone though, I’ve made them too.
“I never meant to turn to Rager. That wasn’t something I planned.” It wasn’t either. I wasn’t lying to him.
“Did you…sleep with him?” He could barely get the questions out.
“No.” and then I knew I needed to tell him the whole truth. “But it wasn’t because of me. I tried. He turned me down.”
Easton’s stare was on the floor, nodding, barely breathing or able to look at me.
“You’ve done other stuff?” His eyes squeezed shut when he asked the question.
“I kissed him…and took my clothes off.”
“Have you ever slept with him?”
“Not technically.”
“And that means?”
I wasn’t sure he wanted to know what I was about to say but Easton’s a numbers guy. He needs to know things. Even tiny details. It’s how he calculates the information in front of him.
