For Honor_Sweet Version

by Jeannette Winters

  Melissa snapped her head in her direction. “You? Here? God, no.”

  “But—”

  “It reminds me of a time when my sister was the happiest. All she talked about was her friend DeeDee. We didn’t even know your real name was Deanna.”

  “Yeah, no one except Phoebe called me that. I asked her why, and she said everyone deserved a nickname.”

  “She used to call me Lisa. It drove me crazy. What I’d give to hear her say it one more time.”

  “I know the feeling.” They were connecting on a level that no one should have to: a mutual understanding of loss.

  “I have to admit I was envious of how close you two were.” Melissa’s heartbreak showed in her eyes. “I guess part of me still is.”

  Deanna reached out and placed her hand over Melissa’s. “Don’t be. Her family meant everything to her.”

  Melissa shook her head. “Thank you for saying that, but I know it isn’t true. She was such a free spirit.”

  “That she was. No one could tell her what to do.”

  Melissa laughed. “From what I hear she was that way even as a wee baby. I guess that’s why she and Rafe went head to head all the time. He’s what one might call a control freak.”

  “You think?” Deanna blushed; she hadn’t meant to blurt that out. “That didn’t sound right.” Her entire day seemed to consist of saying one wrong thing after another. I should’ve stayed in my room.

  Melissa peered at her and asked, “How well do you know Rafe?”

  Deanna felt uncomfortable speaking about Phoebe, and she only had wonderful things to say about her. That was far from the case with Rafe. She debated how to tactfully say he was a royal pain the ass.

  “Not well.” In some ways not as much as I’d like and in others more than I care for. That was how she knew she was a hot mess. There shouldn’t be a thing she wanted to know about him, yet she found herself asking anyway. She was telling herself she didn’t care, that she was only making conversation. But everything she knew had been from Phoebe’s perspective. When she’d been with him, she had already pre-judged him. Somehow she hoped Melissa might say something which would explain why she had mixed feelings for him. Because he’s far from my type.

  “What’s he really like?”

  Melissa leaned back and said, “He’s . . . complicated. I can read most people, but he’s nearly impossible to.”

  “Nearly?” Deanna should’ve left it alone, but she couldn’t help herself. Up to now, Rafe had been in total control of everything. If Melissa had any clue how to gain some of it back, she was all ears.

  “He’s as different from Phoebe as one could get. She was adventurous, and Rafe, well, he’s calculated. He takes action but with a well-thought-out plan. He’s a risk taker, but he knows the odds before leaping. Does that make any sense?”

  More than you can imagine. “I get the feeling that he doesn’t let anyone . . . get close to him.”

  Melissa shook her head. “He’s not the only one. I think after losing Phoebe we all kind of shut down. Not that it’s healthy. When we got the news, my father was in such shock he suffered a massive heart attack and died a few days later. My mother, well they say she died of natural causes a few months later. If you ask me, she died from a broken heart. She couldn’t deal with so much loss. None of us could.”

  Deanna fought back tears. After all that they had suffered, if anyone deserved to know what truly happened, it was the Turchettas. But how could she tell them after all this time? She couldn’t just say they threatened to destroy her family’s business. That sounded lame compared to what they’d lost. She knew it had to be said, but now wasn’t the time. And she would need to be very careful choosing her words. The last thing I want to do is hurt them any more than they already have been.

  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Things she’d found odd at the time were starting to make sense. Even their choice to have a private burial. She’d assumed it was because the family didn’t want reporters lurking around. Never had she imagined it’d been a tragedy on top of tragedy. No wonder they chose not to be close to anyone. Saying goodbye sucks.

  “We didn’t want it broadcasted to the world.”

  “That’s understandable. You’d been through enough.”

  She watched as Melissa wiped a tear from her cheek. “It was really my brother’s decision. He had . . . still has . . .”

  Deanna pulled Melissa into her arms as she broke down. She wanted to know what she was about to say. Whatever it was, it was still too difficult for Melissa to utter.

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, it isn’t. It . . . it never will be. You . . . you don’t . . . understand. Rafe . . . he . . . he’ll never . . . never . . .” Melissa choked out the words between sobs. Whatever it was, Melissa wanted to tell her but either couldn’t or thought she shouldn’t.

  Deanna placed a consoling hand on Melissa’s back, stroking her gently. She’d have taken Melissa as a woman who could handle anything. But no matter how strong she presented herself, it appeared even Melissa had a breaking point, and Deanna had just pushed her to it. It hadn’t been intentional. It was so good to be able to talk about Phoebe again that she’d forgotten who it was she’d been speaking to. This explained why Melissa worked so hard. She was keeping herself so busy helping others she didn’t have time to face her own problems. She probably tries burying it all, just like me. Trust me, Melissa, it doesn’t work. All it does is own you.

  “You never know. Talk to him.”

  “I can’t. I’ve tried, but he’s so . . . so angry.” Melissa got up and walked over to the railing. There was so much built up inside her, but she held back. “I guess we all are.”

  If you only knew the truth, it would be even worse. “I wish there was something I can do to help.”

  Melissa turned back toward her, and with her puffy red eyes said softly, “You can. Talk to him.”

  That wasn’t what she wanted to hear or do. Talking to Melissa was one thing. She had a gentle, loving spirit, not at all abrasive to deal with. Broaching the subject with Rafe would only open the door for him to turn the tables and start questioning her again.

  “Melissa, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I hardly know him, or any of you for that matter. This is something you guys should talk about as a family.” She wished she could take her own advice. When her parents tried to talk with her, she shut them down. But the reasoning behind it was totally different.

  “You’re right. We should talk about it, but we can’t. None of us can. Somehow what happened to Phoebe is this dark cloud hanging over us, between us. Even though my brothers won’t say it out loud, I know they feel as though they should’ve been able to prevent it all from happening. It doesn’t make any sense. From the report, there was nothing anyone could’ve done.”

  Deanna felt as though she was going to be sick. There was plenty that could’ve been done, but for some unknown reason, nothing had been. If any of the Turchettas learned the truth, it’d eat them alive, not help them. If you think guilt plagues you now, it will intensify if any of you know she was alive a week after the initial attack.

  Conversation was now difficult. Her emotions twisted in her gut, and right and wrong was no longer clear. Deanna had no idea what to say to Melissa. The last thing she wanted was to utter another lie to her or anyone else in this family. The battle between her heart and head was as real now as it had been three years ago. When did it become so hard to see the difference between right and wrong?

  Getting up and pulling Melissa into her arms, Deanna responded with sincerity, “Next time I see Rafe, I’ll talk to him.”

  Melissa’s arms tightened around her as though Deanna had just committed to fixing it all. “Thank you.”

  “I’ll talk to him, but I can’t promise he’ll listen.” And I have no freaking clue what I’ll say.

  “I have a feeling you’re the only person he wants to hear from.”

  You can’t be more wrong. When their
embrace ended, Melissa grabbed Deanna by the hand and led her into the house toward a room with a locked door. “Where are we going?”

  “Rafe’s room.”

  Deanna stopped dead in her tracks. “Why?”

  Melissa smiled. “Because if you’re going to talk to him, you need to know everything.”

  She didn’t want to know him any better than she already did. Deanna had only agreed to speak to him if they saw each other. As far as she was concerned, that wasn’t going to happen. Their paths in life were not the same. Actually, her leg felt good enough for her to pack her bags and go. She’d intruded enough into their lives. It wasn’t healthy for them and surely not for her.

  “Melissa, I can’t go in—”

  “Of course you can. How are you going to help him if you don’t?” Melissa stood there waiting for her response.

  How do I get myself into crap like this? Deanna had created the alias, Alice, so she could find her own healing. When did it start including fixing others? “I really can’t.”

  “If you can’t do it for me or for Rafe, then please, DeeDee, do it for Phoebe.”

  That was hitting low, and Melissa knew that. Deanna could see it plain as day in Melissa’s eyes. She had no problem calling her out on it either. “Are you really going there?”

  Melissa nodded. “It’s what brought us all together. Somehow it’s also the answer. You won’t doubt that if you let me show you what I’m talking about.”

  What harm was it going to do? It was only his room. It’s not like she was getting a sneak peek into his soul. Besides, there was a part of her that wanted to see. “Fine.”

  Melissa smiled, reached high up on the doorjamb, and pulled down a key. Not the best hiding place with sisters around. Once it was unlocked, she let Melissa go inside first. She had no idea why she was so nervous. Rafe wasn’t there, and she was pretty sure Melissa wasn’t about to tell him what they were doing. Taking a step inside, she reminded herself she was doing this for Phoebe.

  She scanned the room, and it was as she imagined: neat and orderly. There wasn’t even a piece of paper on his dresser. The walls were bare of any pictures except for a world map. Yeah, this tells me nothing. What jumped out was how vastly different the rest of the house was. He must’ve furnished it for his guests because it didn’t reflect him in any way. But it does reflect Phoebe.

  She should’ve picked up on that right away. The color scheme, the playfulness, none of that was Rafe. Even the board games stashed away in a closet had been things they’d played at night while half-watching scary movies. Phoebe had joked that this was her home away from home.

  “What do you see?” Melissa asked.

  It looked as though this room hadn’t seen a visit in a long time. Deanna got it. This house wasn’t something he had for him. It was meant for Phoebe. “It represents him.”

  “Exactly.”

  “He doesn’t come here often does he?” Although there didn’t appear to be any dust building up on the furniture, it didn’t have that lived-in look either.

  “No.”

  “Then why all this?” Deanna pointed out of his room.

  Melissa sat on Rafe’s bed and opened the bottom drawer of his nightstand. Deanna tensed at invading more of his privacy than she wanted to. Even for Phoebe, this was wrong. Yet she didn’t walk out of the room. Whatever was there seemed to be important.

  She pulled out an envelope and tried to hand it to Deanna. There was no mistaking Phoebe’s handwriting, even from that distance. She shook her head. “Melissa, I can’t read her private correspondence. It’s bad enough that I’m in his room without his knowledge.”

  Melissa shrugged. “Then I’ll read it to you.”

  Deanna braced herself against the bedpost, both afraid of what it contained and why he held on to it.

  Melissa pulled out the letter, slowly unfolded it, and began reading. Deanna closed her eyes, hoping to shield her emotions.

  “Rafe, I’ve made my decision. One that I know you’re not going to be happy with. But it’s my life, and I want to make a difference in this world just like you guys. So when I turn eighteen, I’m going to join the military. I know you said you’d never let that happen, but I’m not a kid anymore. I’m going to be sixteen soon, and I know what I want. Please don’t tell Mom and Dad. They’ll freak out on me just like my best friend, DeeDee, did when I told her. Of course, it was easy to make her believe I was only joking. Someday you’ll actually get an apartment, so we can come and visit you. You’d love her. She’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. Who knows, maybe her good nature will rub off on us. Love you and be safe. Hugs, Phoebe.”

  Deanna was speechless. She recalled the conversation about her joining, but had dismissed it once Phoebe said it was a joke. Phoebe was such a free spirit she couldn’t have imagined her taking orders. In fact, she was usually the first to go against them. What Deanna didn’t understand was why Melissa was reading this to her.

  “Do you see now?” Melissa asked. Deanna shook her head. “Rafe bought this place so she would be so happy here and not want to follow in their footsteps. He told her it was her job to keep an eye on the place while he was gone so he’d always have a place to come home to. This place wasn’t about him. It was him trying to give her a reason to stay. What no one knew was that she was going anyway. And when she said she joined the Literacy Corps we all thought she’d go for a month or two and then be off onto the next adventure. We were wrong. She . . . loved it. And with you there with her, she felt like you two were taking on the world.”

  Deanna opened her eyes, which were now filled with tears. Her heart ached for them all. If I hadn’t joined with her, maybe she’d have stayed here. Safe. It was yet more guilt piled on top of what she already carried. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  She bolted from the room, rushing back to hers. Deanna needed to leave right now. She felt as though she couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t the house that was suffocating her, but the more she learned, the closer she became with the Turchettas, the harder this all became. It was decision time for her, and she couldn’t make it there. She needed to be alone and do some soul-searching. Then she would know her next move. Tell Rafe or find yet another identity and disappear for good.

  * * *

  “Rafe, I did try to stop her. She was adamant about going,” Melissa declared.

  “You truly let her walk out that door? I know you’re more convincing than that.” Rafe wasn’t happy to learn Deanna left his home and even more displeased that Melissa hadn’t called to tell him. If it he hadn’t called to check on things, who knew how far she’d get before he could get a tail on her.

  “You never said she was a prisoner.”

  “She wasn’t.”

  Melissa huffed over the phone. “Rafe, I don’t like being used as a pawn in your little shenanigans. This isn’t just any woman you’re playing games with. She was Phoebe’s best friend. And after spending a few days with her, I understand why. She genuinely is a nice person.”

  Yeah. Nice people don’t have to lie about who they are. “None of that matters. What I need to know is where she said she was going.”

  The pause on the other end was concerning. Was she debating telling him? That made no sense. He was her brother.

  “I can’t tell you that.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” Rafe barked. No response. Dang it. “Since when did we start protecting strangers from each other?”

  “Rafe, she’s no stranger. I know you’re angry because she is alive and Phoebe isn’t.”

  “Don’t tell me what I am. Right now I’m ticked off because I have no idea where the heck she is.” She was a huge piece of what had happened, and for all he knew, she was still connected to this mess. Whether that meant her life was in danger or she was the danger, still wasn’t clear. Without her, it’s going to be a lot freaking harder to know.

  “Well, she said she needed some time alone. We’re not the only ones who are struggling with Phoebe’s death you k
now.” Melissa’s tone now matched his.

  He knew once their Italian tempers started to fly it wasn’t going to end on a good note. The best thing he could do was end the call and work with Gabe to get some results. They could still track her via her cell phone.

  “Melissa, this isn’t the time to get into this.”

  “It never is. We can’t . . . you can’t keep avoiding it.”

  He could hear the pain in his sister’s voice. He wished he had words that would comfort her. That wasn’t who he was, and she knew that. You can’t change a person. Especially not someone like me. She meant well, but he wasn’t one of her patients, and she should know by now tears didn’t work on him.

  There’d been plenty of those from people over the years. He wasn’t sure if he’d built immunity to them or truly had a heart of stone. Maybe one led to the other. All he knew, all he cared about, was focusing on doing his job and saving lives.

  “I’ll be home soon. We’ll talk then.”

  “Promise?”

  Melissa knew he never used that word. “I’ll try.” He ended the call, and no one needed to tell him she was equally upset with him. If he knew his sister, she wasn’t going to let it go. Most likely she’d call Josh. I don’t want to hear it from him any more than I want to hear it from Melissa.

  He’d worry about his siblings later. Right now he needed to find Deanna. He called Gabe, who, once again, he seemed to wake up. “Do you do anything but sleep?”

  “I don’t think you called to give me crap about trying to get some dang sleep. Between you and Stone, I’m almost tempted to go back to work for the government.”

  Rafe knew Gabe was joking. Somehow, even in the direst situations, he found time for humor. It wasn’t appreciated, but that never stopped him. It’s like everyone wants to push my buttons. Today’s not the day to do it.

  “Gabe, it’s been twenty-four hours. Tell me you’ve got something on the DNA.” He had quite a few questions for Gabe and figured this was a good place to start. If he had mentioned Deanna, Gabe might hang up before he obtained any intel.