Unspoken Abandonment
Page 16
My professional life has continued to advance as well, and I no longer work in the capacity where I was when I was with the child pornography task force. I am glad I had the opportunity to serve such a noble cause, but I am also glad I will never do that kind of work again. There are some things in life that you can never un-see, and that job was filled with them. I will always be grateful that life gave me the opportunity to do that, because, in an indescribable way, it helped set me free.
I now have been given the opportunity to work a quiet desk job, and it is actually one that does not require me to regularly carry a gun. A lot of people may consider what I do to be somewhat boring, but boring is exactly what I enjoy now. I think I have seen more than my share in life, and I am ready to let the next guy take his turn. There is an old saying that one who lives by the sword will likely die by the sword, and I have lived by the proverbial sword more than enough for one lifetime.
On a random Tuesday not very long ago, Abby and I were getting ready for work. Abby was sleeping late, as usual, and she did not want to get out of bed.
“If you’re not out of bed in one minute, I’m coming in there to tickle you,” I told her.
“Okay, Okay, I’m up,” Abby replied as she got out of bed.
“Too late,” I said as I ran up to her. I continued, “You’re getting tickled anyway.”
Abby and I tickled and laughed for a few minutes, and we then began getting ready for work. It was a beautiful day, and nothing was unusual in the least. We played and goofed around as we got ready for work, just as we do every other day.
“Babe, don’t forget it’s trash day,” Abby reminded me.
“Ok, I’ll do it right now.”
I removed the trash bag from the waste can in the kitchen, and I tied the top of the bag into a knot as I walked to the garage. Once in the garage, I placed the bag into the trash barrel and began dragging it to the curb.
I was roughly half way to the curb when my left leg had a bizarre sensation, and I could not move it. The sensation lasted for only a moment and immediately subsided. Within a step, my right leg felt a similar sensation, and I suddenly had to struggle to move either leg. I fell to the ground spilling the trash, and I needed to grab the bumper of my car to get back to my feet. I was having the hardest time standing, and I was very confused. I was young, healthy, and had no medical problems; I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.
Getting back into the house was a struggle. My mind raced trying to figure out what was happening, but I knew that I needed to get into the house, to Abby, so she could call for help. Otherwise, it could be ten minutes or more before she noticed I had not come back inside. I managed to make my way from the garage into the laundry room, and I stumbled through the kitchen, where I fell to the living room floor. By this point, I could not feel my legs, and I could slowly feel I was losing all feeling throughout my body. I tried to speak, but I could not utter a word. I had the most bizarre sensation in my head, and I thought I was about to die. The single question, “Is this really how I am going to die?” ran through my head.
Abby called 9-1-1, and I was taken to the emergency room, where I started to feel better over the course of several hours. The staff in the hospital was mystified as to what had happened, and they offered no positive explanations. After a few days, I felt much better but there were a lot of lingering effects that took months to completely vanish. Some of these were subtle and unnoticeable to others, while others were not so discrete. For months, I would stumble on my words, I was constantly dropping things, and I had the coordination of a three legged rocking horse. Eventually, these lingering problems went away completely, and over time I would ultimately find out what had happened to me.
It is funny how you can look back at previous problems in life and realize they were never really as bad as you had made them out to be, especially when compared to a real problem. You look at something that was once the worst thing to have ever happened in your life, and then something else comes along and becomes the new reigning champion.
The result of what happened to me that day does not affect me today, it probably will not affect me tomorrow, and it should not affect me any time soon, but one day it could alter my life in every way imaginable. I face the reality that at some point in my life I may be in a wheel chair because of this, and the things I take for granted today may one day just be a fond memory. I pray that day never comes, but the statistical reality is that it will. Throughout it all, Abby has promised to be there every step of the way, and she has vowed, “I will always be right here with you, no matter what.” I am going to tell you right now, if that is not love then I don’t know what the hell love is. Isn’t that something? I found my angel.
Life is a funny thing. Just when you clean up one pile of shit, another dog comes along to leave you a fresh, steaming new one. I know now, that at the end of the day, it is all what you make of it. I said it at the very beginning: you will certainly face challenges in your life, but it is how you face and overcome these challenges that will ultimately define you as a person. Believe me, there was a time when I did not understand what that meant, but I do now. Holy shit, I do now.
No matter what life brings to me, I know I will always find a way to get by. I, like everyone else, have no way of knowing what tomorrow is going to bring, but I do know I will always have the strength to get through it. I will never quit, I will never surrender, and I will always prevail.
Any time I find myself feeling as though I am in over my head, my mind is always able to retreat to one comforting thought. I picture myself all alone, behind a machine gun, in the middle of Afghanistan. I picture myself along the wall of the Camp Eagle compound, late at night, writing in my journal by moonlight, and it always brings back one vivid memory which I hope to never lose.
I remember being on the wall overlooking the city street, writing away, and stopping to gaze up at the starry sky. Being in a place where I am surrounded by poverty and violence, all I needed to do was look up to see an endless beauty in the night’s sky. I remember the darkness of Kabul made the stars shine brighter than I had ever seen, or have seen since. All I need to do is think about it for a moment, and I can feel the cool mountain air against my skin, bringing with it the feeling that even within the worst, there is always something worth finding. Amongst the violence, I had found peace.
I can still picture myself as that kid, writing in the middle of the night in Afghanistan, having no idea what life was going to bring. Then I look at myself now, and I realize how much my life has changed since those days. I am still completely unaware of what life has in store for me next, but this time, no matter where life’s next journey may lead, I will always have the strength and courage to never again feel the crippling pain of my own unspoken abandonment.
The End
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Chapter 1 – On Patrol
Chapter 2 – The Journal
Chapter 3 – Welcome Back
Chapter 4 – A New Reality
Chapter 5 – Falling Apart
Chapter 6 – Finding Peace