Designed

by Alicia Renee Kline

  “Nope. I’m a sucker for lost causes.”

  Matthew’s laughter awoke Lauren, who stared at us as she tried to make heads or tails of what was so funny. It didn’t take much convincing to assure her that it was none of her concern. She’d grown used to our inside jokes and rather liked being kept in the dark about some things. To her, Matthew was always her knight in shining armor, though he started off admittedly rough around the edges. She was on a need to know basis, which worked quite well for them.

  But their arrangement was exclusive to them. Matthew had come clean enough in time, unveiling his trespasses in bits and pieces and letting her draw her own conclusions. She had accepted his explanations wholeheartedly, needing nothing more than his word that his past didn’t concretely affect their future.

  Chris and I were, on the other hand, living proof that what one didn’t know could hurt them.

  I wasn’t sure that one situation was better than the other.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Sadie Layne Snyder rested peacefully in my arms, swaddled in a hospital issued blanket. Her tiny features were nearly dwarfed by the pink stocking hat that covered her dark brown hair. Her blue eyes were tightly shut, her face the picture of everything good and right with the world. I stroked my niece’s cheek, her newborn skin velvety soft under my thumb.

  I stole my eyes away from her long enough to look back at her parents. Matthew had climbed into bed with Lauren, despite her protests that the nurses wouldn’t approve. She slept soundly against him, her head resting upon his chest. He had held her protectively, whispering praise into her ear, coaxing her to sleep before succumbing to it himself. Even now his arm was wrapped around her like he would never, ever let her go.

  I was exhausted myself, but yet I rocked with Sadie, knowing that my time with her was limited. It was the first chance I had gotten to hold her - obviously letting Matthew and Lauren get first dibs. Then Doug had doted over her, but not Gracie. She’d deferred to peeking over everyone’s shoulder and being the photographer, snapping pictures on everyone’s cell phones, saying that the new arrival was just too breakable and she didn’t want to be the one to do it. Lauren and I had exchanged a knowing glance; she’d come around eventually.

  Doug had passed her off to me, explaining that he was going to take Gracie for dinner and ice cream to soften the blow. She filled the role of disgruntled child well, playfully acknowledging the fact that she would no longer be his favorite person. They’d headed out perhaps half an hour prior, leaving the four of us to remain. I doubted they’d hurry back, leaving the new family to rest and me to feel like the third wheel. Shortly after, Lauren had taken off her entertaining face and relaxed enough to fall asleep.

  For being as small as she was, Sadie’s weight was very noticeable, the heat of her tiny body comforting. In her sleep, she tried out her arms and legs, squirming them in her new surroundings as much as her blanket would permit. I stared at her, the strangest sensation of love washing over me. I could only imagine Lauren’s reaction - take mine and multiply it tenfold.

  As afraid as I had been of being here, of sharing this experience with them, when it had come down to it I’d been able to shut down that part of my mind that dealt in jealousy and pain. I’d seen the miracle of birth, how happy it could be. Maybe that was why Lauren had asked me to be her stand-in for her mother - perhaps she hadn’t needed me here as much as she’d recognized that I needed to be here. She’d known somehow that I needed proof that life went on, that this would provide me with a kind of healing like no other imaginable. Words and well wishes could never have created a cathartic experience like she had gifted me with.

  The door to Lauren’s room pushed open. I barely gave it notice, certain it would be another nurse or technician coming to check vital signs or make sure the baby didn’t need to go back to the nursery. Lauren had fed and changed Sadie before she’d fallen asleep and I couldn’t do anything about the other part. If my brother and his wife were about to get scolded for not obeying hospital protocol, well, that was on them. I’d gladly watch.

  When I heard the door whoosh shut but still saw no one approach the bed or the empty bassinet, I looked up. Chris stood just inside the threshold, frozen in place. Though the lights nearest Lauren’s bed had been dimmed to aid her sleep, I could see his expression quite clearly. Shadows couldn’t hide the stricken look on his face as he stared at me, cradling an infant in my arms.

  “Hey,” I said softly, my voice barely audible over the lump that had instantaneously appeared in my throat.

  “Hi,” he said, regaining his composure enough to walk over to us.

  I knew Matthew had called him. He’d grabbed up his cell phone as soon as Lauren had assured him that everything was okay and Doug and Gracie had filtered in to keep her company. Of course his best friend would be this first number he’d dial - everyone else was already here. And of course his best friend would come to visit as soon as he was able. I just hadn’t gotten past the part of him showing up to consider that he’d have as much of a problem with the scene as I thought I would.

  “She’s beautiful,” I whispered.

  He stood behind the chair, peering over my shoulder. I heard his breath catch in his lungs and I instantly knew why. If I removed myself from the past twelve hours of activity, it was easy to scrunch up my face and pretend that this was a very different scenario. I’d never thought that newborns looked much like either of their parents right off the bat, and even if they did, Matthew and I were mirror images of each other. Chris’s dark hair could be a substitute for Lauren’s. If ever I’d questioned what our baby would have looked like, Sadie would be a fitting example.

  “Yes, she is,” he agreed, his voice thick with emotion. If I wasn’t mistaken, I swore I heard the hint of a sniffle.

  “Do you want to hold her?” I asked, unsure if that was the right thing to do. Guys didn’t salivate over babies the way women did, especially when those children reminded them of things long since buried and gone.

  “Okay.”

  Chris rounded the rocking chair and scooped Sadie up as if he’d held infants all his life. I didn’t have to provide him with the common warning of watching her head that reflexively came from people’s mouths; he cradled her like an expert. Given his medical training, I shouldn’t have been surprised. Still, there was something so moving about seeing someone so large holding someone so small.

  “I’ve delivered a couple of babies,” he allowed.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Not exactly my favorite thing in the world to do, but sometimes they just don’t wait to get to the hospital. Lauren joked that I should have just followed her around the last couple of days.”

  “Well, I for one am glad that Sadie waited to arrive here.”

  “Me, too. I still haven’t gotten over the pictures at their pool. Imagine the horror of getting up close and personal with your best friend’s wife.”

  I snickered, recalling the incident that Lauren had found herself in via a very determined intern at work. Stalker Jeff, as Gracie had named him, had spied on Lauren and Matthew while skinny dipping and doing some other things in the privacy of their own backyard. He’d packaged up the proof of his surveillance in an array of photographs that we’d all seen. Some of us were apparently more scarred than others.

  “You look tired,” he commented, changing the subject even as he looked down into the crook of his arm, staring at Sadie.

  “I’ve been up since four this morning. I didn’t exactly get a full night’s sleep.”

  “Me, either.” For whatever reason, that admission brought with it a grin. “Have you eaten?”

  I grunted noncommittally. I’d snuck some snacks in from the vending machine and drunk almost my body weight in soda today, but nothing of substance. I’d refused to leave Lauren’s side for more than a few minutes at a time, being as active of a participant in the whole thing as my brother. Neither one of them had seemed to mind. In fact, they’d been rather gratef
ul for the company. Even once it was over and Doug and Gracie had offered to let me tag along with them in search of food, I’d stayed put.

  “Let’s go get something together,” he suggested as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “I just got off work, ran home to shower and change and then hopped back in the car. I’m hungry, too.”

  “Convenient,” I teased. I knew full well he’d done that simply because he knew I’d be here, famished, and that he could swoop in and play the hero. “But you came here to see Matthew and Lauren. We’re not leaving without even saying goodbye.”

  Chris surveyed the sleeping couple in the hospital bed. “They’re asleep.”

  “I can fix that.”

  I rose from my seat and approached my brother, tapping him gently on the shoulder. He was much easier to wake up when he was sober, and he jerked to attention almost immediately.

  “Hey, dork.”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Chris is here.”

  Matthew brought his hand to his face, lifting his glasses enough to rub his eyes. Like me, he’d opted not to wear his contacts today. It had been a wise decision, though I debated his further move to leave them on when he’d cuddled down next to Lauren. He stifled a yawn, then looked down at his wife. Lauren hadn’t moved an inch.

  “Hey, man,” Matthew greeted.

  “Hey. Congratulations.” Chris had moved into view, still holding Sadie. The more he did that, the way he made it look so natural, made me melt and feel hollow all at once.

  I exchanged a quick glance with the new father, telling him exactly what he wanted to know. He’d noticed, too, and was seeing if I was okay. I conveyed to him that I was, and he swung his attention back over to his friend.

  “I hate to bail on you like this,” Chris apologized, “but it looks like you’ve had a long day anyway. I was going to steal Blake away and force her to eat something. We’ll be back tomorrow, okay?”

  Matthew nodded. “Yeah, go ahead. I’m going to let Doug and Gracie stay a little bit longer when they get back, then try to ship them out to Lauren’s house for the night. I’ve had enough of entertaining for one day. I’m beat.”

  “Yeah, you should take full advantage of the nursery while you can,” I suggested. “At least you’ll be able to score a couple nights of good sleep prior to getting discharged from the hospital. Then you’re all on your own for the next eighteen years.”

  “Very funny.”

  Chris lowered Sadie into the clear plastic bassinet, again like a consummate pro, and rolled her over to Lauren’s bedside. “You did good work,” he commented, “she’s an absolute angel.”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’ll keep her,” Matthew joked.

  “You better,” I played along, “because I’m going to give her the most kick-ass room a girl could ever have.”

  “Watch out,” Chris teased, “Blake the foul-mouthed aunt is on the case. You know, you should probably watch your language now that we’ve got a youngster in our midst.”

  “I’m more worried about watching my bank account where Blake’s involved.”

  “You should be. I’ve still got your credit card.” I leaned over and gave my brother a quick kiss on the cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ll restrain myself.”

  He rolled his eyes at me, then grew more serious. “Thanks for everything. I don’t know that we could have done it without you.”

  I shook my head. “It was nothing,” I lied. All three of us knew it, but no one said anything to the contrary. “Tell Lauren I love her.”

  “I will.”

  Chris wasn’t about to echo that sentiment. Instead, he simply said a quick goodbye and escorted me out of the room. A new baby wasn’t going to thaw the temperature between him and Lauren any more than her getting married to Matthew had. They tolerated each other, could playfully joke around together, could stand up for each other - when they had to - but they weren’t about to declare anything deeper than a burgeoning camaraderie. On Lauren’s end, I think it stemmed from his initial disapproval of Matthew’s crush, and from Chris, I think the distance came from her refusal to admit that Eric was a loser for way too long. Both sides had their own merit.

  “So what do you want tonight?” he asked as we strolled down the carpeted hallway to the elevator.

  “That’s a loaded question.”

  “I meant for dinner. We can continue our tour of fine dining establishments if you’d like.”

  I shrugged as the elevator doors opened to allow us inside the car. I half expected Doug and Gracie to exit, en route to return to Lauren, but the interior was empty. We stepped inside before I answered. “How about pizza? You can call now, go get it and meet me back at my place.”

  “You’re bound and determined to get me inside your house, aren’t you?”

  I raised my eyebrow at him, but said nothing. He responded by pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. “You still like mushrooms, right?”

  I nodded and waited silently while he placed our order.

  “Do we need drinks?” He was clearly repeating the question on the other end of the line, waiting for me to decide. I shook my head. “No, that’ll be it.”

  He waited a moment, presumably while they tallied up the damage, then ended the call. “Twenty minutes.”

  “Perfect.” I dug in my purse, pulling out some money and handing it over to him. It was more than enough to cover the cost of the meal. Just as he was about to protest, I stopped him in his tracks. “It’s my fault we have to eat out. If I was a better cook, I’d just make us something.”

  “Some things never change,” he muttered.

  “And some things will never be the same.”

  We’d reached the entrance of the hospital, so if he’d been about to ask me to expound on what I meant, the fact that we were parting ways for now preempted it. I hadn’t really planned it that way, but it had worked wonders for me. Even I wasn’t really sure what I meant by that, it had just come right out without thinking. Though I knew it to be true, I wasn’t sure to what depths.

  “I’ll see you at your place, then,” Chris said instead.

  “Okay.”

  I stood in place for a second, letting him make the first move. He walked away from me, obviously forced to park in one of the lots much further from the building due to his relatively late arrival. Those of us who showed up before dawn got the prime visitor parking spots. Lost in a fog, I watched him retreat into the distance. When he was little more than a stick figure in my field of vision, I turned to walk to my own car.

  Knowing I had time, I drove slowly, obeying the speed limit to the letter instead of doing my usual five miles over. It was still warm enough for the convertible top to be down, and I savored the feeling of the breeze against my bare neck. The goose bumps present under the sleeves of my sweatshirt had nothing to do with the temperature.

  I was wound tightly, full of anticipation of what lay ahead for the evening. Under normal circumstances, it wasn’t late for a Saturday night and my exhaustion seemed to wane just by being out from under the eerie glow of the hospital lighting. No one really enjoyed being in hospitals, not even for happy occasions like today. I worked to release the tension that I’d been holding in my spine for a multitude of reasons. One of those said reasons was on his way to my house with our dinner, but I attempted to discount that as best I could.

  The dusk to dawn lighting installed on my front porch welcomed me home, though obviously, the house was utterly dark inside. Even after over a year of living alone again, it was still a strange sight to come home to. For that reason, I typically flipped on a lamp in the living room when I knew I was going to be late. Quirky, I knew, but it helped me feel less lonely. In my haste to leave in the wee hours of the morning, the thought to do that had been the furthest thing from my mind, but I found I missed it just the same.

  To make up for it, I turned on light after light as I made my way into the house from the garage. First the kitchen, then the breakfast nook, then the living
room. I restrained myself and didn’t continue down the hallway to my bedroom, or traipse up the stairs to the loft. Three was enough, right? That way we’d have options.

  The Civic’s engine was still quiet, a testament to the care he’d given it over the last twelve years, so I jumped about a mile when the doorbell rang. I took a deep breath to compose myself and headed to the door. With every step I took, I remembered the night he’d done the same on Thanksgiving and I’d unceremoniously slammed it in his face. Guilt washed across my features with the knowledge that I’d continued to push him away back then, when he had then been so willing to make amends. He’d extended an olive branch of sorts and I’d shoved it back at him, making him hold onto it for nearly another year. And to what end?

  Before he decided I was ignoring him, but not quickly enough to show my hand at how anxious I was to have him here, I unlocked the door and swung it open. He stood before me, pizza in hand, an amused smile on his face.

  “I think I might have the wrong house,” he said with a smirk, “I’ve come here before and the lady that answered the door told me she didn’t want any. You seem much nicer.”

  “You’re so silly.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Get in here.”

  I allowed him to pass by me, taking my time to close the door behind him and fasten the deadbolt. His comedy bit revealed that he’d also been thinking about the night of Matthew and Lauren’s engagement and his first futile attempt to contact me. There were some memories that passionate kisses against porches and siding couldn’t completely erase.

  “So where to?” he asked, waiting for me to decide.

  “Hmmm. We can eat in here, I guess. We can turn on the television and see what’s on.”

  “I don’t really watch much TV. And I think I’d rather just talk anyway.”

  “Whatever. The couch is much more comfortable than anything in the kitchen. Just make sure you don’t drop anything.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it. This place looks like a museum.”