You Can't Go Home Again

by Thomas Wolfe

  "You're--I----" George began--"that is to say, if you're the one I'm looking for----"

  "Eh?" the man said in a startled voice. "What!"

  "It's Mr. McHarg," George tried again. "If you know him----"

  "Eh?" he repeated, and then almost at once, "Oh!" The rising intonation of the man's tone and the faint howl of surprise and understanding that he put into the word made it sound like a startled, sharply uttered "Owl" He was silent a moment, searching George's face. "Ow!" he said again, and then quietly: "Where is he?"

  "He--he's out here in his car," George said eagerly, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief.

  "Ow!" the Englishman cried again, and then, impatiently: "Well, then, why doesn't he come in? We've been waiting for him."

  "I think if you'd go down and speak to him----" George began, and paused.

  "Ow!" the gentleman cried, looking at George with a solemn air. "Is he--that is to say--?...Ow!" he cried, as if a great light had suddenly burst upon him. "Hm-m!" he muttered meditatively. "Well, then," he said in a somewhat firmer voice, stepping out into the path and closing the door carefully behind him, "suppose we just go down and have a look at him. Shall we?"

  The last squall of rain had passed as quickly as it had blown up, and the moon was sailing clear again as they started down the path together. Half-way along, the Englishman stopped, looked apprehensive, and shouted to make himself heard above the wind:

  "I say--is he--I mean to say," he coughed, "is he--sick?"

  George knew by the emphasis on that final word, as well as from previous experience with the English, that when he said "sick" he meant only one thing. George shook his head.

  "He looks very ill," he said, "but he is not sick."

  "Because," the gentleman went on with howling apprehensiveness, "if he's sick--ow, dear me!" he exclaimed. "I'm very fond of Knuck, you know--I've known him for years--but if he's going to get sick!" He shuddered slightly. "If you don't mind, I'd rather not. I don't want to know about it!" he shouted rapidly. "I--I don't want to hear about it! I--I don't want to be round when it's going on! I--I--I wash my hands of the whole business!" he blurted out.

  George reassured him that Mr. McHarg had not been sick but was merely desperately ill, so they went on down the path until they got to the car. The Englishman, after a moment's hesitation, stepped up and opened the door, thrust his head inside, and, peering down at McHarg's crumpled figure, called out:

  "Knuck! I say, Knuck!"

  McHarg was silent, save for his hoarse breathing, which was almost a snore.

  "Knuck, old chap!" the Englishman cried again. "I say, Knuck!" he cried more loudly. "Are you there, old boy?"

  McHarg very obviously was there, but he gave no answer.

  "I say, Knuck! Speak up, won't you, man? It's Rick!"

  McHarg only seemed to snore more hoarsely at this announcement, but after a moment he shifted one long jack-knifed leg a few inches and, without opening his eyes, grunted: "'Lo, Rick." Then he began to snore again.

  "I say, Knuck!" the Englishman cried with sharper insistence. "Won't you get up, man? We're waiting for you at the house!"

  There was no response except the continued heavy breathing. The Englishman made further efforts but nothing happened, and at length he withdrew his head out of the car and, turning to George, said:

  "I think we'd better help him inside. Knuck has worn himself out again, I fancy."

  "Yes," said George anxiously. "He looks desperately ill, as if he were on the point of complete physical and nervous collapse. We'd better call a doctor, hadn't we?"

  "Ow, no," said the Englishman cheerfully. "I've known Knuck a long time and seen this happen before when he got all keyed up. He drives himself mercilessly, you know--won't rest--won't stop to eat--doesn't know how to take care of himself. It would kill anybody else, the way he lives. But not Knuck. It's nothing to worry about, really. He'll be all right. You'll see."

  With this comforting assurance they helped McHarg out of the car and stood him on his feet. His emaciated form looked pitifully weak and frail, but the cold air seemed to brace him up. He took several deep breaths and looked about him.

  "That's fine," said the Englishman encouragingly. "Feel better now, old chap?"

  "Feel Godawful," said McHarg. "All in. Want to go to bed."

  "Of course," said the Englishman. "But you ought to eat first. We've kept dinner waiting. It's all ready."

  "No food," said McHarg brusquely. "Sleep. Eat to-morrow."

  "All right, old man," the Englishman said amiably. "Whatever you say. But your friend here must be starved. We'll fix you both up. Do come along," he said, and took McHarg by the arm.

  The three of them started to move up the path together.

  "But, sir," spoke a plaintive voice at George's shoulder, for he was on the side nearest the car. Full of their own concerns, they had completely forgotten the little driver. "But, sir," he now leaned out of the window and whispered: "what shall I do with the car, sir? Will"--he moistened his lips nervously--"will you be needing it again tonight, sir?"

  The Englishman took immediate charge of the situation.

  "No," he said crisply, "we shan't be needing it. Just drive it up behind the house, won't you, and leave it there."

  "Yes, sir, yes, sir," the driver gasped. What he was still afraid of not even he could have said. "Drive it up be'ind the 'ouse, sir," he repeated mechanically. "Very good, sir. And--and--" again he moistened his dry lips.

  "And, ow yes!" the Englishman cried, suddenly recollecting. "Go into the kitchen when you're through. My butler will give you something to eat."

  Then, turning cheerfully and taking McHarg by the arm again, he led the way up the path, leaving the stricken driver behind to mutter: "Yes, sir, yes, sir," to the demented wind and scudding moon.

  After the blind wilderness of storm and trouble, the house, as they entered it, seemed very warm and bright with lights. It was a lovely house, low-ceilinged, panelled with old wood. Its mistress, a charming and very beautiful woman much younger than her husband, came forward to greet them. McHarg spoke a few words to his hostess and then immediately repeated his desire for sleep. The woman seemed to take in the situation at once and led the way upstairs to the guest-room, which had already been prepared for them. It was a comfortable room with deep-set windows. A fire had been kindled in the grate. There were two beds, the covers of which had been folded neatly down, the white linen showing invitingly.

  The woman left them, and her husband and George did what they could to help McHarg get to bed. He was dead on his feet. They took off his shoes, collar, and tie, then propped him up while they got his coat and vest off. They laid him on the bed, straightened him out, and covered him. By the time all this was done and they were ready to leave the room, McHarg was lost to the world in deep and peaceful slumber.

  The two men went downstairs again, and now for the first time remembered that in the confusion of their meeting they had not thought to introduce themselves. George told his name, and was pleased and flattered to learn that his host knew it and had even read his book. His host had the curious name of Rickenbach Reade. He informed George later in the evening that he was half-German. He had lived in England all his life, however, and in manner, speech, and appearance he was pure British.

  Reade and Webber had been a little stiff with each other from the start. The circumstances of Webber's arrival had not been exactly conducive to easy companionship or the intimacy of quick understanding. After introductions were completed with a touch of formal constraint, Reade asked Webber if he did not want to wash up a bit, and ushered him into a small wash-room. When George emerged, freshened up as much as soap and water and comb and brush could accomplish, his host was waiting for him and, still with a trace of formality, led him into the dining-room, where the lady had preceded them. They all sat down at the table.

  It was a lovely room, low-ceilinged, warm, panelled with old wood. The lady was lovely, too. And the dinner, althou
gh it had been standing for hours, was nevertheless magnificent. While they were waiting for the soup to come on, Reade gave George a glass of fine dry Sherry, then another, and still another. The soup came in at last, served by a fellow with a big nose and a sharp, shrewd, Cockney sort of face, correctly dressed for the occasion in clean but somewhat faded livery. It was a wonderful soup, thick tomato, the colour of dark mahogany. George could not conceal his hunger. He ate greedily, and, with the evidence of that enthusiastic appetite before them all the stiffness that was left began to melt away.

  The butler brought in an enormous roast of beef, then boiled potatoes and Brussels sprouts. Reade carved a huge slab of meat for George, and the lady garnished his platc generously with the vegetables. They ate, too, but it was evident that they had already had their dinner. They took only small portions and left their plates unfinished, but they went through the motions just to keep George company. The beef vanished from his own plate in no time at all.

  "I say!" cried Reade, seizing the carving knife again. "Do let me give you some more. You must be starved."

  "I should think you'd be famished," said his wife in a musical voice. So George ate again.

  The butler brought in wine--old, full-toned Burgundy in a cobwebbed bottle. They polished that off. Then for dessert there was a deep and crusty apple pudding and a large slice of cheese. George ate up everything in sight. When he had finished he heaved a great sigh of satisfied appeasement and looked up. At that instant their three pairs of eyes suddenly met, and with one accord they leaned back in their chairs and roared with laughter.

  It was the mutual and spontaneous kind of laughter that one almost never hears. It was a booming, bellowing, solid, and ungovernable "haw-haw-haw" that exploded out of them in a rib-splitting paroxysm and bounded and reverberated all round the walls until the very glasses on the sideboard started jingling. Once begun, it swelled and rose and mounted till it left them exhausted and aching, reduced to wheezing gasps of almost inaudible mirth, and then, when it seemed that they didn't have another gasp left in them and that their weary ribs could stand no more, it would begin again, roaring and rolling and reverberating round the room with renewed force. Twice while this was going on the butler came to the swinging-door, opened it a little, and craftily thrust his startled face round. Each time the sight of him set them off again. At length, when they were subsiding into the last faint wheezes of their fit, the butler thrust his face round the door again and said:

  "Please, sir. The driver's 'ere."

  This wretched little man now reappeared, standing nervously in the doorway, fingering his cap, and moistening his dry lips apprehensively.

  "Please, sir," he finally managed to whisper. "The car. Will you be wanting it to stay be'ind the 'ouse all night, sir, or shall I take it to the nearest village?"

  "How far is the nearest village?" George wheezed faintly.

  "It's about six miles, sir, I understand," he whispered, with a look of desperation and terror in his eyes.

  The expression on his face was too much for them. A strangled scream burst from Webber's throat. Mrs. Reade bent forward, thrusting her wadded napkin over her mouth. As for Rickenbach Reade, he just lay back in his chair with lolling head and roared like one possessed.

  The driver stood there, rooted to the spot. It was clear that he thought his time had come. These maniacs had him at their mercy now, but he was too paralyzed to flee. And they could do nothing to allay his nameless fear. They could not speak to him, they could not explain, they could not even look at him. Every time they tried to say something and glanced in his direction and caught sight of the little man's blanched and absurdly tortured face, they would strangle with new whoops and yells and shrieks of helpless laughter.

  But at last it was over. The mood was spent. They felt drained and foolish and sober and ashamed of themselves because of the needless fright they had given the little driver. So, calmly and gently, they told him to leave the car where it was and forget about it. Reade asked his butler to take care of the driver and put him up for the night in his own quarters.

  "Yes, sir, yes, sir," mumbled the little driver automatically.

  "Very good, sir," said the butler briskly, and led the man away.

  They now arose from the table and went into the living-room. In a few minutes the butler brought in a tray with coffee. They sat round a cheerful fire and drank it, and had brandy afterwards. It was wonderfully warm and comforting to sit there and listen to the fury of the storm outside, and under the spell of it they felt drawn together, as if they had all known each other a long time. They laughed and talked and told stories without a trace of self-consciousness. Reade, seeing that George was still worried about McHarg, tried in various ways to allay his fears.

  "My dear fellow," he said, "I've known Knuck for years. He drives himself to exhaustion and I've seen him do it a dozen times, but it always comes out all right in the end. It's astonishing how he does it. I'm sure I couldn't. No one else could, but he can. The man's vitality is amazing. Just when you think he's done himself in, he surprises you by bounding up and beginning all over again, as fresh as a daisy."

  George had already seen enough to know that this was true. Reade told of incidents which verified it further. Some years before, McHarg had come to England to work on a new book. Even then his way of life had been enough to arouse the gravest apprehensions among those who knew him. Few people believed that he could long survive it, and his writing friends did not understand how he could get any work done.

  "We were together one night," Reade continued, "at a party that he gave in a private room at the Savoy. He had been going it for days, driving himself the way he does, and by ten o'clock that night he was all in. He just seemed to cave in, and went to sleep at the table. We laid him out on a couch and went on with the party. Later on, two of us, with the assistance of a couple of porters, got him out of the place into a taxi and took him home. He had a flat in Cavendish Square. The next day," Reade went on, "we had arranged to have lunch together. I had no idea--not the faintest--that the man would be able to make it. In fact, I very much doubted whether he would be out of his bed for two or three days. Just the same, I stopped in a little before one o'clock to see how he was."

  Reade was silent a moment, looking into the fire. Then, with a sharp expiration of his breath, he said:

  "Well! He was sitting there at his desk, in front of his typewriter,, wearing an old dressing-gown over his baggy old tweeds, and he was typing away like mad. There was a great sheaf of manuscript beside him. He told me he'd been at it since six o'clock and had done over twenty pages. As I came in, he just looked up and said: 'Hello, Rick. I'll be with you in a minute. Sit down, won't you?'...Well!"--again the sharp expiration of his breath--"I had to sit down! I simply fell into a chair and stared at him. It was the most astonishing thing I had ever seen."

  "And was he able to go to lunch with you?"

  "Was he able!" cried Reade. "Why, he fairly bounded from his chair, flung on his coat and hat, pulled me out of my seat, and said: 'Come on! I'm hungry as a bear.' And what was most astounding," Reade continued, "was that he remembered everything that had happened the night before. He remembered everything that had been said, too--even the things that were said during the time when I should have sworn he was unconscious. It is an astonishing creature! Astonishing!" cried the Englishman.

  * * *

  In the warming glow of the fire and their new-found intimacy they had several more brandies, smoked endless cigarettes, and talked on and on for hours, forgetting the passage of time. It was the kind of talk which, freed of all constricting traces of self-consciousness, lets down the last barriers of natural reserve and lays bare the souls of men. George's host was in high spirits and told the most engaging stories about himself, his wife, and the good life they were making here in the isolated freedom of their rural retreat. He made it seem not only charming and attractive, full of wholesome country pleasures, but altogether desirable and enviabl
e. It was an idyllic picture that he painted--such a picture of rugged independence, with its simple joys and solid comforts, as has at one time or another haunted the imagination of almost every man in the turmoil, confusion, and uncertainties of the complex world we live in. But as George listened to his host and felt the nostalgic attractiveness of the images that were unfolded before him, he also felt a disquieting sense of something else behind it all which never quite got into the picture, but which lent colourings of doubt and falsity to every part of it.

  For Rickenbach Reade, George began to see after a while, was one of those men who are unequal to the conditions of modern life, and who have accordingly retreated from the tough realities which they could not face. The phenomenon was not anew one to George. He had met and observed a number of people like this. And it was now evident to him that they formed another group or family or race, another of those little worlds which have no boundary lines of country or of place. One found a surprising number of them in America, particularly in the more sequestered purlieus of Boston, Cambridge, and Harvard University. One found them also in New York's Greenwich Village, and when even that makeshift Little Bohemia became too harsh for them, they retired into a kind of desiccated country life.

  For all such people the country became the last refuge. They bought little farms in Connecticut or Vermont, and renovated the fine old houses with just a shade too much of whimsey or of restrained good taste. Their quaintness was a little too quaint, their simplicity a little too subtle, and on the old farms that they bought no utilitarian seeds were sown and no grain grew. They went in for flowers, and in time they learned to talk very knowingly about the rarer varieties. They loved the simple life, of course. They loved the good feel of "the earth". They were just a shade too conscious of "the earth", and George had heard them say, the women as well as the men, how much they loved to work in it.