You Can't Go Home Again

by Thomas Wolfe

  On both sides of the street, the great restaurants, cafés, and terraces of the Kurfürstendamm had the silent loneliness that such places always have at that hour of the morning. Chairs were racked upon the tables. Everything was clean and bare and empty. Three blocks away, at the head of the street, the clock on the Gedächtnis-kirche belatedly struck seven times. He could see the great, bleak masses of the church, and in the trees a few birds sang.

  Someone knocked upon the door. He turned and crossed and opened it. The waiter stood there with his breakfast tray. He was a boy of fifteen, a blond-haired, solemn child with a fresh pink face. He wore a boiled shirt, and a waiter's uniform which was spotless-clean, but which had obviously been cut off and shortened down a little from the dimensions of some more mature former inhabitant. He marched in solemnly, bearing his tray before him straight towards the table in the centre of the room, stolidly uttering in a guttural and toneless voice his three phrases of English which were:

  "Goot morning, sir," as George opened the door

  "If you bleeze, sir," as he set the tray down upon the table, and then

  "Dank you ferry much, sir," as he marched out and turned to close the door behind him.

  The formula had always been the same. All summer it had not varied by a jot, and now as he marched out for the last time George had a feeling of affection and regret. He called to the boy to wait a moment, got his trousers, took some money, and gave it to him. His pink face reddened suddenly with happiness. George shook hands with him, and the boy said gutturally:

  "Dank you ferry much, sir." And then, very quietly and earnestly: "Gute reise, mein Herr." He clicked his heels together and bowed formally, and then closed the door.

  George stood there for a moment with that nameless feeling of affection and regret, knowing that he would never see the boy again. Then he went back to the table and poured out a cup of the hot, rich chocolate, broke a crusty roll, buttered it, spread it with strawberry jam, and ate it. This was all the breakfast he wanted. The pot was still half full of chocolate, the dish was still piled with little scrolls of creamy butter, there was enough of the delicious jam, enough of the crusty rolls and flaky croissants, to make half a dozen breakfasts, but he was not hungry.

  He went over to the wash-basin and switched on the light. The large and heavy porcelain bowl was indented in the wall. The wall and the floor beneath were substantial and as perfect as a small but costly bathroom. He brushed his teeth and shaved, packed all the toilet things together in a little leather case, pulled the zipper, and put it away in the old trunk. Then he dressed. By seven-twenty he was ready.

  Franz Heilig came in as George was ringing for the porter. He was an astonishing fellow, an old friend of the Munich days, and George was devoted to him.

  When they had first met, Heilig had been a librarian in Munich. Now he had a post in one of the large libraries of Berlin. In this capacity he was a public functionary, with the prospect of slow but steady advancement through the years. His income was small and his scale of living modest, but such things did not bother Heilig. He was a scholar, with the widest range of knowledge and interests that George had ever known in anyone. He read and spoke a dozen languages. He was German to the very core of his learned soul, but his English, which he spoke less well than any other language he had studied, was not the usual German rendering of Shakespeare's tongue. There were plenty of Germanic elements in it, but in addition Heilig had also borrowed accents and inflections from some of his other linguistic conquests, and the result was a most peculiar and amusing kind of bastard speech.

  As he entered the room and saw George he began to laugh, closing his eyes, contorting his small features, and snuffling through his sourly puckered lips as if he had just eaten a half-ripe persimmon. Then his face went sober and he said anxiously:

  "You are ready, zen? You are truly going?"

  George nodded. "Yes," he said. "Everything's all ready. How do you feel, Franz?"

  He laughed suddenly, took off his spectacles, and began to polish them. Without his glasses, his small puckered face had a tired and worn look, and his weak eyes were bloodshot and weary from the night before.

  "0 Gott!" he cried, with a kind of gleeful desperation. "I feel perfectly dret-ful! I haf not efen been to bett! After I left you I could not sleep. I valked and valked, almost up to Grunewald...May I tell you somesing?" he said earnestly, and peered at George with the serious intensity with which he always uttered these oracular words. "I feel like hell--I really do."

  "Then you haven't been to bed at all? You've had no sleep?"

  "Oh, yes," he said wearily. "I haf slept an hour. I came back home. My girl vas asleep--I did not vant to get into ze bett wiz her--I did not vant to vake her up. So I laid down upon ze couch. I did not efen take off my clothes. I vas afraid zat I vould come too late to see you at ze station. And zat," he said, peering at George most earnestly again, "vould be too dret-ful!"

  "Why don't you go back home and sleep to-day after the train goes?" George said. "I don't think you'll be able to do much work, feeling as you do. Wouldn't it be better if you took the day off and caught up on your sleep?"

  "Veil, zen," said Heilig abruptly, yet rather indifferently, "I vill tell you somesing." He peered at George earnestly and intently again, and said: "It does not matter. It really does not matter. I vill take somesing--some coffee or somesing," he said indifferently. "It vill not be too bad. But Gott!"--again the desperately gleeful laugh--"how I shall sleep to-night! After zat I shall try to get to know my girl again."

  "I hope so, Franz. She's a nice girl. I'm afraid she hasn't seen much of you the last month or so."

  "Veil, zen," said Heilig, as before, "I vill tell you somesing. It does not matter. It really does not matter. She is a good girl--she knows about zese sings--you like her, yes?"--and he peered at George eagerly, earnestly, again. "You sink she is nice?"

  "Yes, I think she's very nice."

  "Veil, zen," said Heilig, "I vill tell you somesing. She is very nice. I am glad if you like her. She is very good for me. Ve get along togezzer very vell. I hope zat zey vill let me keep her," he said quietly.

  "They? Who do you mean by 'they', Franz?"

  "Oh," he said, wearily, and his small face puckered in an expression of disgust, "zese people--zese stupid people--zat you know about."

  "But good Lord, Franz! Surely they have not yet forbidden that, have they? A man is still allowed to have a girl, isn't he? Why you can step right out into the Kurfürstendamm and get a dozen girls before you've walked a block."

  "Oh," said Heilig, "you mean ze little whores. Yes, you may still go to ze little whores. Zat's quite anozzer matter. You may go to ze little whores and perhaps zey give you somesing--a little poison. But zat is quite all right. You see, my dear shap," here his face puckered in a look of impish malice, and he began to speak in the tone of exaggerated and mincing refinement that characterised some of his more vicious utterances, "I vill now tell you somesing. Under ze Dritte Reich ve are all so happy, everysing is so fine and healsy, zat it is perfectly Gott-tam dret-ful," he sneered. "Ve may go to ze little whores in ze Kurfürstendamm. Zey vill take you to zeir rooms, or zey vill come wiz you. Yes," he said earnestly, nodding, "zey vill come wiz you to vhere you live--to your room. But you cannot haf a girl. If you haf a girl you must marry her, and--may I tell you?" he said frankly--"I cannot marry. I do not make enough money. It vould be quite impossible!" he said decisively. "And may I tell you zis?" he continued, pacing nervously up and down and taking rapid puffs at his cigarette. "If you haf a girl, zen you must haf two rooms. And zat also is quite impossible! I haf not efen money enough to afford two rooms."

  "You mean, if you are living with a girl you are compelled by law to have two rooms?"

  "It is ze law, yes," said Heilig quietly, nodding with the air of finality with which a German states established custom. "You must. If you are liffing wiz a girl, she must haf a room. Zen you can say," he went on seriously, "zat you are hiring wi
z each ozzer. She may haf a room right next to you, but zen you can say zat she is not your girl. You may sleep togezzer every night, all you Gott-tam please. But zen, you see, you vill be good. You vill not do some sings against ze Party...Gott!" he cried, and, lifting his impish, bitterly puckered face, he laughed again. "It is all quite dret-ful!"

  "But if they find, Franz, that you're living with her in a single room?"

  "Veil, zen," he said quietly, "I may tell you zat she vill haf to go." And then, wearily, dismissingly, in a tone of bitter indifference: "It does not matter. I do not care. I pay no attention to zese stupid people. I haf my vork, I haf my girl. And zat is all zat matters. Ven I am finished wiz my vork, I go home to my little room. My girl is zere, and zis little dog," he said, and his face lighted up gleefully again. "Zis little dog--may I tell you somesing?--zis little dog--Pooki--ze little Scottie zat you know--I haf become quite fond of him. He is really quite nice," said Heilig earnestly. "Ven he first came to us I hated him. My girl saw him and she fall in love wiz zis little animal," said Heilig. "She said zat she must haf him--zat I must be buying him for her. Veil, zen," said Heilig, quickly flipping the ash from his cigarette and moving up and down the room, "I said to her zat I vill not haf zis Gott-tam little beast about my place." He fairly shouted these words to show the emphasis of his intention. "Veil, zen, ze girl cry. She talk alvays about zis little dog. She say zat she must haf him, zat she is going to die. Gott!" he cried gleefully again, and laughed. "It vas perfectly dret-ful. Zere vas no more peace for me. I vould go home at night and instantly she vould begin to cry and say she vill be dying if I do not buy zis little dog. So finally I say: 'All right, haf it your own vay. I vill buy zis little animal!'" he said viciously--"'Only for Gott's sake, shut your crying!' So, zen," said Heilig impishly, "I vent to buy zis little dog, and I looked at him." Here his voice became very droll, and with a tremendous sense of comic exaggeration his eyes narrowed, his small face puckered to a grimace, and his discoloured teeth gritted together as he snarled softly and gleefully: "I looked at zis little dog and I said--'All right, you--you-u-u buh-loody little animalyou-u-u aww-ful--dret-ful--little bee-e-e-st--I vill take you home wiz me--but you--you-u-u damned little beast, you'"--here he gleefully and viciously shook his fist at an imaginary dog--"'if you do some sings I do not like--if you viii be making some buh-loody awful messes in my place, I vill give you somesing to eat zat you will not enchoy'...But zen," said Heilig, "after ve had him, I became quite fond of him. He is quite nice, really. Sometime ven I come home at night and everysing has gone badly and zere haf been so many of zese dret-ful people, he vill come and look at me. He vill talk to me. He vill say he knows zat I am so unhappy. And zat life is very hard. But zat he is my friend. Yes, he is really very nice. I like him very much."

  During this conversation the porter had come in and was now waiting for his orders. He asked George if everything was in the leather trunk. George got down on hands and knees and took a final look under the bed. The porter opened doors and drawers. Heilig himself peered inside the big wardrobe and, finding it empty, turned to George with his characteristic expression of surprise and said:

  "Veil, zen, I may tell you zat I sink you have it all."

  Satisfied on this score, the porter closed the heavy trunk, locked it, and tightened the straps, while Heilig helped George stuff manuscripts, letters, and a few books into the old brief-case. Then George fastened the brief-case and gave it to the porter. He dragged the baggage out into the hall and said he would wait for them below.

  George looked at his watch and found that it still lacked three-quarters of an hour until train time. He asked Heilig if they should go on immediately to the station or wait at the hotel.

  "Ve can vait here," he said. "I sink it vould be better. If you vait here anozzer half an hour, zere vould still be time."

  He offered George a cigarette and struck a match for him. Then they sat down, George at the table, Heilig upon the couch against the wall. And for a minute or two they smoked in silence.

  "Vell, zen," said Heilig quietly, "zis time it is to be good-bye...Zis time you vill really go?"

  "Yes, Franz. I've got to go this time. I've missed two boats already. I can't miss another one."

  They smoked in silence for a moment more, and then suddenly, earnestly and anxiously, Heilig said:

  "Vell, zen, may I tell you somesing? I am sorry."

  "And I, too, Franz."

  Again they smoked in troubled and uneasy silence.

  "You vill come back, of gourse," said Heilig presently. And then, decisively: "You must, of gourse. Ve like you here." Another pause, then very simply and quietly: "You know, ve do so luff you."

  George was too moved to say anything, and Heilig, peering at him quickly and anxiously, continued:

  "And you like it here? You like us? Yes!" he cried emphatically, in answer to his own question. "Of gourse you do!"

  "Of course, Franz."

  "Zen you must come back," he said quietly. "It vould be quite dret-ful if you did not." He looked at George searchingly again, but George said nothing. In a moment Heilig said: "And I--I shall hope zat ve shall meet again."

  "I hope so, too, Franz," said George. And then, trying to throw off the sadness that had fallen on them, he went on as cheerfully as he could, voicing his desire more than his belief: "Of course we shall. I shall come back some day, and we shall sit together talking just the same as we are now."

  Heilig did not answer immediately. His small face became contorted with the look of bitter and malicious humour which George had seen upon it so often. He took off his glasses quickly, polished them, wiped his tired, weak eyes, and put his glasses on again.

  "You sink so?" he said, and smiled his wry and bitter smile.

  "I'm sure of it," George said positively, and for the moment he almost believed it. "You and I and all the friends we know--we'll sit together drinking, we'll stay up all night and dance around the trees and go to Aenna Maentz at three o'clock in the morning for chicken soup. All of it will be the same."

  "Vell, zen, I hope zat you are right. But I am not so sure," said Heilig quietly. "I may not be here."

  "You!" George laughed derisively. "Why what are you talking about? You know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else. You have your work, it's what you always wanted to do, and at last you're in the place where you always wanted to be. Your future is mapped out clearly before you--it's just a matter of hanging on until your superiors die off or retire. You'll always be here!"

  "I am not so sure," he said. He puffed at his cigarette, and then continued rather hesitantly. "You see--zere are zese fools--zese stupid people!" He ground his cigarette out viciously in the ashtray, and, his face twisted in a wry smile of defiant, lacerated pride, he cried angrily: "Myself--I do not care. I do not vorry for myself. Right now I haf my little life--my little chob--my little girl--my little room. Zese people--zese fools!" he cried--"I do not notice zem. I do not see zem. It does not bozzer me," he cried. And now, indeed, his face had become a grotesque mask. "I shall always get along," he said. "If zey run me out--yell, zen, I may tell you zat I do not care! Zere are ozzer places!" he cried bitterly. "I can go to England, to Sveden. If zey take my chob, my girl," he cried scornfully and waved his hand impatiently, "may I tell you zat it does not matter. I shall get along. And if zese fools--zese stupid people--if zey take my life--I do not sink zat is so terrible. You sink so? Yes?"

  "Yes, I do think so, Franz. I should not like to die."

  "Vell, zen," said Heilig quietly, "wiz you it is a different matter. You are American. Wiz us, it is not ze same. I haf seen men shot, in Munich, in Vienna--I do not sink it is too bad." He turned and looked searchingly at George again. "No, it is not too bad," he said.

  "Oh hell, you're talking like an idiot," George said. "No one's going to shoot you. No one's going to take your job or girl away. Why, man, your job is safe. It has nothing to do with politics. And they'd never find another scholar like you. Why, they couldn't do without y
ou."

  He shrugged his shoulders indifferently and cynically. "I do not know," he said. "Myself--I think ye can do wizout everybody if ye must. And perhaps ye must."

  "Must? What do you mean by that, Franz?"

  Heilig did not answer for a moment. Then he said abruptly: "Now I sink zat I vill tell you somesing. In ze last year here, zese fools haf become quite dret-ful. All ze Chews haf been taken from zeir vork, zey haf nozzing to do any more. Zese people come around--some stupid people in zeir uniform"--he said contemptuously--"and zey say zat everyone must be an Aryan man--zis vonderful plue-eyed person eight feet tall who has been Aryan in his family since 1820. If zere is a little Chew back zere--zen it is a pity," Heilig jeered. "Zis man can no more vork--he is no more in ze Cherman spirit. It is all quite stupid." He smoked in silence for a minute or two, then continued: "Zis last year zese big fools haf been coming round to me. Zey demand to know who I am, vhere I am from--whezzer or not I haf been born or not. Zey say zat I must prove to zem zat I am an Aryan man. Ozzervise I can no longer vork in ze library."

  "But my God, Franz!" George cried, and stared at him in stupefaction. "You don't mean to tell me that--why, you're not a Jew," he said, "are you?"

  "Oh Gott no!" Heilig cried, with a sudden shout of gleeful desperation. "My dear shap, I am so Gott-tam Cherman zat it is perfectly dret-ful."

  "Well, then," George demanded, puzzled, "what's the trouble? Why should they bother you? Why worry about it if you're a German?"

  Heilig was silent a little while, and the look of wry, wounded humour in his small, puckered face had deepened perceptibly before he spoke again.

  "My dear Chorge," he said at last, "now I may tell you somesing. I am completely Cherman, it is true. Only, my poor dear mozzer--I do so luff her, of course--but Gott!" He laughed through his closed mouth, and there was bitter merriment in his face. "Gott! She is such a fool! Zis poor lady," he said, a trifle contemptuously, "luffed my fazzer very much--so much, in fact, zat she did not go to ze trouble to marry him. So zese people come and ask me all zese questions: and say: Where is your fazzer!' And of gourse I cannot tell zem. Because, alas, my dear old shap, I am zis bastard. Gott!" he cried again, and with eyes narrowed into slits he laughed bitterly out of the corner of his mouth. "It is all so dret-ful--so stupid--and so horribly funny!"