Innocent Little Crimes

by C. S. Lakin

  “How can you watch this?” Cynthia said. Dick sat close enough to hear her whisper. “I don’t understand how such a tasteless show touting foul language could be so popular.” Davis only chuckled in response.

  A light supper had been laid out for them with cold cuts, imported cheeses, and caviar. Dick watched Millie help herself to the generous spread of food. She stuffed a huge slice of brie into her mouth and he scowled. He turned his attention back to the screen. Just how had the shy Lila become so cynical and rude? His own daughters whined when he refused to let them watch her show. Luckily, it was on at nine o’clock, past their bedtime.

  The room lights flickered on and off. Dick assumed it was from thunder and lightning raging through the window, but, instead, Lila made her grand entrance through the French doors, dressed in a bright pink flowing gown and a pointed headdress with cascading scarves. Her arms jingled with silver and gold bracelets, but Dick’s eyes went directly to the massive diamond and gold necklace that hung from her neck. Peter came in behind her, clashing a pair of cymbals.

  Lila projected her trademark loud, raspy voice. “Hello, class of ’90 and welcome to my humble abode!” She yanked the remote from Dick’s hand and turned the TV off. “Is this a reunion, or what? Can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting to get you guys together again.” Lila scurried from person to person, bestowing air kisses and brief hugs, leaving everyone speechless. Her effusiveness threw them off guard. Dick noticed Peter standing in a corner, watching with amusement.

  “Oh, Millie. How unkind the years have been to you, my fine feathered friend. You look altogether stuffed and ready to serve. Now, as they say, you could fit into my shoes. And my clothes, for that matter. Later, why don’t you take a tour through my wardrobe? We’ll find you something fun to wear. What do you say?” Lila pulled at Millie’s sweatshirt and shook her head disapprovingly. “Cat got your tongue? Come now, Millie, old friend, we haven’t seen each other in fifteen years. How about a warm, wet kissy-poo for your former roommate?”

  Millie searched for her voice. “I . . . thanks for inviting us. I guess I don’t know what to say . . .”

  Lila waved her off. “We’ll have plenty of time to do girl talk later. And Dick—look at you. You haven’t changed a bit. Still the same busy bee, always buzzing around, stirring the hive into a frenzy.” She patted his stomach. “You’ve put on a little pot, too, haven’t you?”

  “Great to see you, Lila,” Dick said, sucking in his gut. “I want you to know I’m your biggest fan. What a terrific place you have here.”

  “Yes, it’s poor, but mine own,” Lila said, leaving him and continuing her tour around the room.

  “And Della. It is Della? I almost didn’t recognize you. What brought you to such a state? Tsk, tsk. How I envied you in college. I watched every move you made. The hours I spent in front of a mirror, emulating your every sexy gesture. I wanted to be just like you. The most popular girl in the class. Who would have guessed.”

  Della downed her drink and fumbled for a cigarette. Lila reached over the table and grabbed the bottle of wine. “This lady needs a refill.” She topped Della’s glass. “Salud! And how ’bout a toast—to the Thespian Class of ’90.” Lila raised an empty glass, and the others lifted their glasses with a hesitant murmuring of agreement. She winked at Peter and moved on to Jonathan.

  “And Jonny, my dear. You have quite a reputation in Hollywood, you know. Mr. Stud! Still doing those naughty things in your car? So glad you could take time out of your very busy schedule to join us.”

  Dick chuckled at that stab. What the hell did she mean by that remark? Jonathan managed a tight smile and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Darling, I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. I’m thrilled with your success.”

  She gave him a brisk pat on his shoulder. “I’m sure you are. Now, last but not least,” she said, working her way around the couch. “Davis, dear Davis. Still as handsome and charming as always. And you’re here with your adorable, very young, fiancée.” Lila waved across the room to Cynthia. “Life has been good to you, hasn’t it?”

  Davis shrugged. “I can’t complain. But Lila, I’m so happy for you. You’ve made a great career for yourself.”

  “So it seems, so it seems.” Lila gestured dramatically. “And you have your ‘nice office where you can wear a tie . . . have a sweet little secretary . . .’ ”

  Davis laughed. He immediately picked up the quote. “ ‘. . . and talk over the telephone about enterprises and . . . things.’ ” He stood and faced her, his voice animated. “ ‘I’ve always had the feeling, if I just had the chance, I could set the whole world on fire.’ ”

  Dick jumped out of his chair and spoke in a dramatic voice. “ ‘Maybe you could, Hal. But for the time being you’ve got to be content to work hard and be patient.’ ”

  Jonathan made a bullhorn of his hands. “Speak up, Ferrol. The people in the back row can’t hear you.”

  Cynthia turned to Millie. “What are they doing?”

  “It’s from a play we did — called ‘Picnic.’ ”

  Lila interrupted the men. “How ’bout this one?” She embellished her voice “ ‘Can’t you men talk about anything but women’s legs?’ ”

  Dick chimed in with a mousy tone. “ ‘I just noticed they had a good shape.’ ”

  Lila strode up to Dick. “ ‘How would you like it if we women went around talking ’bout your legs all the time?’ ”

  Dick, on cue, pulled his pants leg up, revealing his hairy shin. “ ‘All right! There’s my legs if you wanta talk about them.’ ”

  Lila laughed. “ ‘Never saw anything so ugly. Men’s big hairy legs! Never saw anything so ugly!’ “ She walked up to Davis and fondled his coat lapel. “ ‘Young man, let’s see your legs.’ “ She shoved his feet apart.

  “ ‘—Huh?’ ” Davis said, mocking surprise.

  “ ‘We got a new rule here tonight. Every man here’s gotta show his legs.’ “

  She pulled up his pants leg. Giggles traveled the room. The “play” was breaking up some of the tension.

  Jonathan yelled out. “Dick—your cue.”

  “Oh.” With the high, squeaky voice: “‘Honey, he’s got on boots.’ ” He smirked. “I can’t believe I still remember those lines.”

  Lila put her arms around Davis. “ ‘Okay, then he’s gotta dance with me. I may be an old schoolteacher, but I can keep up with you. Come on, cowboy!’ ”

  Lila waltzed with Davis around the room, careening into the furniture. Davis burst out laughing. Lila continued: “ ‘I used to have a boy friend who was a cowboy. Took me up in the mountains once and proposed.’ ” Lila looked Davis in the eye. He abruptly stopped. “ ‘Wanted me to marry him right there on the mountain top. Said God’d be our preacher, the moon our best man. Ever hear such talk?’ ”

  Davis disengaged himself from her and smiled, but Dick could tell he was not amused. “Great characterization, Lila. We should have cast you as Rosemary.” He went to make himself another drink.

  “Instead of Madge, right?” Lila said. The room grew quiet.

  “No, you were great as Madge—”

  “—What’s her sister’s line? ‘Madge is the pretty one—but she’s so dumb they almost had to burn the schoolhouse down to get her out of it.’ ” Her eyes searched the faces around her.

  “It was just a play, Lila,” Millie said.

  “So it seems, so it seems. Peter!” Lila clapped her hands. “Put on some music. Now that we’re all here, let’s eat, drink, and be merry.”

  Davis put his arm around Cynthia as Lila came up to them.

  “Cynthia, such a brave little pet. The only outsider daring enough to come.” Lila gently pinched Cynthia’s cheek. “Stick around, it gets more fun.”

  Cynthia thanked Lila and nibbled a cracker. Davis studied her as Lila walked away.

  “Now, honey, don’t let the theatrics upset you. It’s all just harmless fun. Okay?” He lifted Cynthia’s chin so her eyes could meet hi
s. “Let’s have a good time, darling.”

  Jonathan intercepted Lila as she crossed the room. “Lila, darling, this is all so marvelous. Is there anything I can do to help?”

  “No, everything’s taken care of. The cleaning crew will be back on Monday to hose down the mess, so indulge.” Suddenly the room reverberated with Michael Bolton’s dreamy crooning. Lila swayed to the music. “I love that voice.”

  Jonathan sidled up to Lila. “By the way, love, I need to make an important call. My agent. I’ve got a hot deal pending.” He couldn’t let on how desperate he was for work. How, after firing his agent, he had been unable to score any leads on his own. He could kill the jerk who screwed up his last deal. He only had enough money saved up to get through two, maybe three months. And then, God help him.

  “Sorry love, didn’t I tell you? No phones on my little old hideaway retreat. No cell towers for leagues around. There’s a CB out in the boat, but it won’t reach L.A. It’ll have to wait until you get home.” Lila scrutinized him, then turned away.

  Jonathan renewed his nerve. He linked arms with Lila. “Lila, speaking of hot deals, I have something terrific I want to show you. Just the thing for you—”

  Lila put a finger in the air between them. “Uh, uh, Jonny. I don’t do business talk up here on holiday.” She chucked him under the chin and smiled. “Hey, but for you, when the weekend’s over, talk to me then. But for now . . . it’s party time.”

  Jonathan could hardly contain his excitement. He knew Lila would listen. Before he could utter his thanks, she was off.

  Peter clapped his hands. “Room assignments. Everyone, grab your bags and walk this way.” He exaggerated the sway of his hips, motioning them to follow. The bells hanging from his jester’s cap jingled as he wiggled down the cold stone hallway.

  “Dick and Millie Ferrol—to your left.” He pointed to a door off the hallway. “Davis Gregory and fiancée to the right.” He turned the corner. “Ms. Della Roman—left, and Jonathan Levin, right.” Peter watched each guest deposit their belongings in their rooms. Jonathan hesitated at the entrance to his suite, waiting until he and Peter were alone in the hallway. “So, I take it you’re Lila’s right hand man.”

  Peter smiled. “Something like that.”

  Jonathan ushered Peter into his room and closed the door behind them. The large canopied bed filled most of the room and afforded no other place to sit. Peter sat down on the coverlet and patted a place next to him. Jonathan kept his distance. Outside, the branches of a large shrub scraped the beveled glass window as the wind blew in gusts. Hewn beams crisscrossed overhead and a large metal chandelier dangled from the apex of the ceiling.

  “Charming room, isn’t it?” Peter said. “Actually, I picked it just for you. Very manly.”

  Jonathan got to the point. “What’s Lila looking for these days? I’ve heard she’s tiring of doing variety. Wants something more challenging.”

  “Well, Jonny, she doesn’t tell me everything, but, just between you and me. . . “He leaned into Jonathan, “I think she’d grab a feature if it were the right part. The network boys are fighting over her, but she’d rather hit the big screen.” He tapped Jonathan on the chest with his finger. “Why, Jonny, I bet you have something up your sleeve.”

  Jonthan seethed. So, how much was this confidence going to cost him? He hated dealing with fags. They always made him uncomfortable, as if they were laughing at him for something he didn’t understand. The most peculiar thought entered his mind. Standing there in those cramped quarters, up close, Peter almost looked like Melodie. Same tall, lithe body, same hair, same chiseled features. He was pretty enough to be a woman.

  He backed away. Peter stood and pressed close. His breath grazed Jonathan’s cheek.

  “So, you have something in mind for Lila? You can tell me. Maybe I can put in a good word for you.” Peter put his hand on Jonathan’s shoulder and stroked it.

  Jonathan lurched. “Hey, back off.”

  “Sorry.” Peter smiled again, this time with obvious irritation. “My mistake.” He opened the door and exited.

  Jonathan realized he had been holding his breath. He dropped to the bed, feeling as if he had just escaped danger.

  Chapter 12

  “What are you doing? Going to bed?” Davis ran his hand along the shiny metal suit of armor mounted in the corner of the room.

  Cynthia turned down the plush comforter, exposing pink satin sheets. “I thought I’d read for a while. Is that all right?”

  “It’s so early.”

  “I know.”

  “Get a load of this. I wonder if it fits.” He lifted the helmet and tried to force it over his head.

  “Be careful—it might get stuck.”

  Davis returned the helmet to its stand and tried to pull the sword out of the scabbard but it wouldn’t budge. Cynthia rummaged through her suitcase for a nightgown. “I don’t feel much like socializing tonight. To be honest, I don’t feel comfortable with your old friends. And Lila is so antagonistic.”

  Davis laughed. “She’s harmless. This is her way, you know. She’s famous for her cynical reproaches.”

  “Well, I’d rather be home. With just you and a nice, cozy fire.” She slipped into her flannel nightgown and sat on the edge of the bed. Davis knelt beside her and took her hands in his.

  “Cyn, this is kind of a kick for me, but I want you to enjoy yourself, too. Anytime you’ve had enough, just say the word and we’ll go, okay?”

  Cynthia embraced him and stroked his hair. “If we could find a way off this island.”

  “I’m sure Lila has a boat or plane hidden somewhere. You really think she’d let herself be trapped here?”

  Cynthia pulled back and took a long look at him. “I can’t believe my luck—having found you. Just think, you could have moved to Chicago with that other woman and I never would have met you.”

  Davis chuckled. “Anyone who picks Chicago over San Fran is short a few marbles. Besides, Claire couldn’t hold a candle to you.”

  Davis was only partly telling the truth. The stunning redhead from Mill Valley had captivated him two years back. And she was classy—a top-notch executive in a San Francisco firm, successful and charming. But just when he was about to propose to her, a big job offer came along that she couldn’t refuse. CEO for some huge corporation—the opportunity of a lifetime. When Davis hedged about moving with her to Chicago, she left—just like that. Davis was hurt, but she showed him what her priorities were, didn’t she? She loved her work more than him, although she made the same accusation of Davis. She dared him to give up his boring job and boring California weather. He dared her to stay. That was the end of that relationship.

  The only other woman he had fallen for was an aerobics instructor he met at his health club. He even lived with Denise for three months. But just when they got settled, a persuasive man at the club began taking an interest in her. He sent her flowers and chocolates, called her night and day, despite Davis’s protestations. At first, Denise teased Davis about him. The man was old and eccentric, no harm in encouraging him. But one morning, Davis awoke to a note on his night table. The old eccentric had offered to take Denise on a cruise around the world in a private yacht. How could she refuse?

  By the time Davis met Cynthia, he had given up his high expectations. But Cynthia renewed his hope and determination. She more than met his standards. He would never let her slip away like the other two.

  “Look,” Davis said, “in the meantime, if you don’t want to talk and mingle, feel free to wander around. Maybe tomorrow the storm’ll blow over. Go for a walk. Explore the beach. Let’s see how it is tomorrow, what do you say?”

  Cynthia pulled Davis into her arms and gave him a warm kiss. Davis began to explore her delicate body with his hands. He pulled her into the bed and undressed her. Cynthia ran her long, beautifully-manicured nails through his hair.

  Davis moaned. “You don’t really want to read, do you?”

  Della thumbed through the sc
rapbook she found on the coffee table in the living room. Everyone had either gone to bed or was wandering around the “castle,” exploring the curious rooms that Lila had decorated with a flourish. She downed her fourth drink. She didn’t even recall what it was, just that it worked to still her nerves. Her mind kept returning to her brother and the life she left behind in New York. Despair welled up again. She swallowed some Valium and sank into the couch. Clearly, coming to this reunion was a stupid idea. She knew now it would be useless to ask anything from Lila. How could Lila have embarrassed her like that? Sure, she knew she looked like hell, but Lila spared no barbs. But, she took jabs at everyone. Maybe, after being such a cynical comic for so many years, that was her way of showing affection, of rekindling friendships. Della laughed and took a big sip from her glass. What would Lila want with these “friends”?

  Much to Della’s surprise, Lila had kept memorabilia from every show they did in college. Handbills from Shaw’s “Major Barbara,” Deurrenmatt’s “The Deadly Game,” and Wilder’s “Our Town.” Della reread her own name on one playbill after another. She found it hard to remember all those plays she’d starred in. Even harder to believe she had been the confident lead in most of them. How naive she had been. Thinking that just because she got resounding applause from an audience of pimple-faced students that it meant she had talent. All those accolades amounted to nothing in the real world.

  She stared at a yellowed newspaper clipping from the Cooper Point Journal. It showed Davis and Dick under the stage lights, and Della in her smock dress and bouffant hair. The caption read: “Thespian’s gala performance of ‘Picnic’ opens to full house. Performers from left: Davis Gregory, Dick Ferrol, and last-minute substitute, Della Roman, as Madge, in an outstanding display of talent.”

  Della scanned the article, which praised her propensity for performing magic as a last-minute substitute. “It was almost as if,” the article said, “ ‘Madge’ and ‘Hal’ were really in love; with an uncanny electricity between the two actors. The underlying tension and attraction was palpable.” The article then mentioned that Lila Carmichael, originally cast in the lead, proved unable to participate, giving no explanation.