Finding Home

by Erica Lee

  “Let’s be honest - how would that be any different than how things already were at the job?” I had to admit that Josh was right about that. It’s not like I was treated extremely well at the company already, so it couldn’t be much worse.

  Josh continued his rant before I could get a word in. “Let’s talk about how you are going to move in with me as soon as you’re ready, get back to work, and stick it to the man later. For now, I want to know how you’re going to deal with your lost love?”

  Leave it to Josh to want to dive right into my feelings.”I honestly feel kind of numb right now. My whole life has revolved around Stacy these past few years and I thought that’s what my future held too. Now I have to start all over and I’m not sure how to do that.”

  “Oh honey,” Josh laughed. “I’m not talking about Stacy. We’ll get over her. Don’t worry about that. I’m going to be very honest with you right now and I realize this breaks every rule of friend break ups - don’t trash your friend’s ex because if they get back together, your friend will resent you and blah blah blah. Whatever. I hate Stacy. I always have. I never thought she treated you right and I always felt like you were settling. A heartbreak caused by Stacy is nothing a little Ben and Jerry’s and a shot of tequila can’t fix. No, I’m talking about a certain Miss Alexis Wright who I’m guessing you’re going to see if you’re going home. From the way you’ve talked about your town, I’m assuming avoiding people is a bit tough. Now, that’s a girl that’s hard to get over. I don’t think I ever did and if I’m being honest, I don’t think you did either.”

  When he finally stopped talking, I glared at my speakers, but didn’t respond. Josh’s words cut right through me. I was a bit pissed that he so easily blew off my relationship with Stacy. I was supposed to marry the girl. I clearly had strong feelings toward her if I was ready to spend my life with her. Josh was right about Lexi though. I had plans to spend my life with her too. Of course there wasn’t a ring in that case, but in my heart I had already made that commitment to her. Before I could control my thoughts, my mind was flashing back to that awful day in June right after my sophomore year of college.

  “Wait. Are you trying to tell me that you’re not coming to NYU this fall?!” I was pacing around the room as the words left my mouth.

  Lexi looked up at me from where she was sitting on the edge of her bed. The sadness in her eyes said it all.

  “Why Lexi? I thought you wanted to be together again.” After two years filled with train rides, text messages, and nightly phone calls, I was ready to have her close to me again.

  Lexi sighed. “I can’t do it Tay. I can’t leave my mom. I can’t leave the farm. My mom has been talking about selling it. I can’t let her do that. It’s all I have left of my dad. But if I leave, she’ll have to.”

  I sat down on the bed beside her. “What about us? We had plans. We always talked about going to New York together, graduating from NYU, then making a life there. You were going to go home every year around Christmas and help with the farm, but our life was going to be in New York. Remember? We were finally going to get away - escape this town. Then, when it was time to retire, we would come back and run the farm. That was the deal. That was the plan. Our plan.”

  Tears started to escape from Lexi’s eyes and my heart broke at the sight. I hated to see her cry. “Plans change Tay. Things happen that no one can predict. We thought my dad would be working the farm until he was old and gray. But the heart attack… and now the farm is mine…. and I don’t know…”

  I wrapped my arm around Lexi’s waist and pulled her close to me. “What are you trying to say Lexi? Be honest with me. Are you ever going to come to New York?”

  With that question, Lexi began to whimper. “I’m so sorry Tay. I’m so so sorry. I just…”

  “Can’t leave here,” I finished for her. I felt the tears stinging my eyes as well, but tried to hold them back. I was supposed to be the strong one.

  “I wish I could,” Lexi said between sobs. “I really do. I love you Taylor, but I can’t leave here. This town. This farm. It’s all I have left of my dad. All of the memories I have of him are right here.”

  I blinked back my tears. “I understand what you’re saying, trust me. I probably understand more than anyone else could. The problem is that your reasons for staying are the same as mine for leaving. All of my memories of this town are tainted. It reminds me of the years that my mom spent suffering because of the cancer and how it felt when I lost her. And my dad - things are just so awkward with him. What we have could hardly be called a relationship. I can’t stick around here and be forced to deal with that day in and day out. I’m finally starting to let go of that pain. I can’t let it back in.”

  “I know,” Lexi responded, while wiping her eyes with her shirt. “I’m not asking you to stay. That wouldn’t be fair of me.”

  There was a part of me that wanted her to ask me to stay. I wanted her to fight for me even if I was going to fight right back, but she would never do that. She was too selfless to do that. “So, what are we supposed to do?” I asked quietly.

  “I don’t know…” Lexi answered. Except we both knew that wasn’t true. We knew this was something we couldn’t work through no matter how much we loved each other.

  We sat in silence for a long time just holding each other tight. Neither one of us was ready to let go. After what felt like hours, I took Lexi’s chin in my hand and directed her lips toward mine, sharing one last devastatingly perfect kiss. I squeezed her side, then forced myself to stand up.

  “I should go,” I announced, while staring at the pictures on her wall. I couldn’t look her in the eyes because I knew I would change my mind.

  “Are you going home?” Lexi asked.

  I cleared my throat. “I’m going back to New York. I don’t really know where home is, but it isn’t here.”

  Lexi nodded her head knowingly. “Will you call me when you get there?”

  It felt like a thousand knives were stabbing into my heart as I forced myself to utter the next sentence. “No. I can’t. I’m never going to let go if I do. If this is really the end, it has to be completely finished. I can’t do halves with you. It’s too hard.”

  Lexi stood up and tried to take my hand, but I quickly pulled it away. “But you’re my best friend. I can’t live without you.”

  I turned around and finally let my eyes meet hers. The pain I saw in them killed me. I never wanted to hurt her. “I know Lexi. I know. But we both have a lot that we need to work through and I think we need to do that on our own. We’ve tried to do it together and it just isn’t working. Maybe someday we can come back together, but for now, we need to do this on our own.”

  I didn’t want to believe the words that were coming out of my own mouth, but I knew they were true. Things had been hard on us since Lexi’s Dad died and I moved to New York. We were hurting each other and it had to stop.

  I turned around and tried to ignore the sobs that I heard behind me as I walked away. Once I was far enough, I let my own tears fall. They didn’t stop as I packed up my bags at my dad’s house and wrote him a note saying that I was leaving or as I drove back to New York.

  They slowed just a little as I pulled into the driveway of Josh’s parent’s house that was about a half hour outside of the city, but as soon as he met me outside, I collapsed into his arms and they returned. We spent that summer crying together and drinking ourselves into oblivion, as I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of my life.

  “Um earth to Taylor.” I was brought back to reality by the sound of Josh’s voice through my car speakers. “Are you there? Did that truth bomb I just dropped blow up your car?”

  I shook my head at his awful joke. “Sorry. I guess my mind just drifted elsewhere.”

  “Did it happen to drift to some cute little brunette?”

  I groaned loudly so he could hear my frustration. “It did actually so thank you for that.”

  Josh laughed off my
sarcasm. “Of course. That’s what I’m here for. I have to get back to work, but please keep me updated and call me whenever you need to talk. Plus, don’t forget that you’re welcome to move in with me whenever. If you need a quick get away just head right to my place. You don’t even need to warn me first. You have the code. Just let yourself in.”

  I thanked Josh then hung up feeling a little better. Josh drove me insane 90% of the time, but I knew I could get through anything with his support. I just wish his support wasn’t all the way up in New York right now.

  Chapter 4: Taylor

  I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home, right behind my dad’s pick up truck. I had kind of been hoping that he wouldn’t be home so I had a little bit of time to reacquaint myself to my surroundings without his presence, but it was clear that luck wasn’t on my side lately.

  I took a few deep breaths before getting out of the car and making my way up the long sidewalk. When I got to the front door, I thought about knocking, but decided that was stupid. It might have been forever, but this was technically my house.

  The house was dark and I thought that maybe my dad had walked somewhere, but then I heard a sound coming from the direction of his office. Instead of heading that way, I took the time to explore my surroundings. The house looked exactly as it had the day I left. Pictures of my mom, dad, and I were scattered around the house all covered in a layer of dust, just as they had been years ago.

  I quietly walked up the staircase and turned left to follow the hallway down to my room. When I opened the door, I found that my room was even more untouched than the rest of the house. The bed wasn’t made and the clothes that I had thrown around while quickly packing were still laying on the floor. The walls were covered with pictures of my friends and I and the framed picture on my nightstand was one of Lexi and I before our junior prom, with our arms wrapped around each other and huge smiles on our faces. I laid the picture face down before crawling into my bed and putting my face into my pillow. I wanted to know if it still smelled like Lexi. The last time I had slept in this bed, she had been laying beside me. Of course it didn’t actually smell like her anymore. After seven years, what did I expect? That didn’t keep my mind from wandering back to that night though. It had been the perfect night…

  “I left it exactly as you had it. I wasn’t sure when or if you’d be back.” My dad’s voice startled me out of my daydreams.

  I turned to see him standing at my doorway. I hadn’t seen him since he had insisted on coming to New York for thanksgiving two years ago and we had an awkward dinner at a diner. Stacy had joined us for dessert and I could tell from their little interaction that he didn’t like her, which only served to piss me off. What right did he have to judge my relationship? After that, I avoided all of his attempts to get together. He looked the same as I remembered, with the addition of some more gray hairs.

  I stood and walked over to him, unsure how I should greet him. To my surprise, he pulled me into a tight hug. My body went stiff from the shock, but after a few seconds I leaned into him slightly. When he finally pulled away, he kept his hands on my arms and stared into my eyes. For a second, I thought he was going to start to cry, but he cleared his throat and looked away. Now that was the father I was used to.

  “Well, I don’t want to bother you. I’ll let you get reacquainted on your own here.” He started to walk away, but turned around when he was just through the door. “Actually, are you hungry? I thought maybe we could go to the diner and grab some dinner.”

  I sighed to myself. Jumping right into a forced interaction with my dad was the last thing I wanted to do after the day I had, but I was starving. The mention of food made me realize that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. “Ok,” I agreed. “Let’s do it.”

  “Alright. Awesome,” he responded, looking pleasantly surprised.

  We agreed to take my car since I had him parked in and once my dad was seated in the passenger seat, he started frantically feeling around in his pockets. He then pulled out his phone and muttered a quiet, “shit” under his breath.

  When he realized I was staring at him, he gave me a slight smile. “I seemed to have forgotten my wallet at work. Would you mind if we stopped by to get it?”

  Of course he did. This man would forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his body. “That’s fine. You may have to remind me how to get to the County Press though. I just take a right on Warner, correct?”

  If there was one thing my dad and I had in common, aside from our looks, it was our love of writing and books. He had been writing for the County Press, our town newspaper, for as long as I can remember. The one positive memory I had from childhood were the days he took me to work with him. He would let me pretend to read the newspaper articles even when I could barely understand them and then I would write some of my own that he would hang on the wall in his office.

  “Actually, I’m not at County Press anymore,” my dad responded, pulling me from my walk down memory lane. “I still write articles for them here and there, but I stopped being full time a few years ago. I’ve been focusing on some of my own writing. I’m actually trying to write a novel.”

  I guess that was one more thing to add to the small list of commonalities - my dad and I both shared a pipe dream that we could actually get published some day. “So, where is your new office?” I asked, as I started to pull out of the driveway.

  “Oh I write from home,” my dad responded quickly. “I just kind of help out somewhere on the side.” The way he seemed to be beating around the bush made me nervous. I felt like there was something he was afraid to tell me. But, honestly, why would I care what he chose to do with his free time?

  When I realized he wasn’t going to say anything else, I pushed him. “Sooooo… where are we going? I can’t drive there if I don’t know where it is.”

  He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair, then looked out the window. “It’s actually the Wright Farm. I’ve been helping out with the more physical work,” he muttered.

  A knot formed in my throat and I felt my mouth go dry. I knew I could still make it to the farm with my eyes closed. I had spent so much time there over the years. It was the last place I wanted to be right now though.

  When I didn’t respond, my dad spoke up. “I’m sorry. I hope you don’t mind. You can park on the far side of the lot and I’ll just run in.”

  I nodded my head in response and made my way through the backroads that I knew by heart. When we pulled into the dirt parking lot, I was flooded with even more memories and felt like my head was pounding. Once my dad was out of the car, I pushed the seat back into a lying position and closed my eyes. This had been such a long day. It was crazy to think that just this morning I had been waking up in my apartment in New York City next to my soon-to-be-wife and now I was back in middle of nowhere Pennsylvania freaking out about being at the home of my only other ex. At least it was just her farm and not her that I was seeing. I could handle that. Seeing her would be a whole other story.

  Chapter 5: Alexis

  I watched as my mom made her way toward the register where I was shutting everything down. Since it was Sunday, we closed at 5:00. As my mom approached, I noticed she had a strange look on her face. “Mr. Bradley left his wallet here,” she announced hesitantly. “He’s going to pick it up in a few minutes on his way to dinner. Did you want to keep shutting down the register and give it to him once he comes or did you want to do the sweep of the property instead?”

  I knew exactly what she was asking. She was asking if I wanted to risk possibly running into Taylor. It wasn’t like my mom not to just come out and say what she was thinking. I figured she was doing it just in case they showed up at that moment, which meant they would be there soon. I quickly jumped out of my chair and headed toward the door. “I’ll do the sweep,” I shouted as I opened the door.

  I looked back at my mom one more time before heading out and she shook her head at me sadly. “You’re not going to be able to avoi
d her forever honey.”

  “I’m not trying to avoid her,” I lied. “I’m just not quite ready to see her yet.”

  As she nodded her head at me, I continued through the back door, happy to see that Mr. Bradley’s truck hadn’t pulled into its normal spot in our driveway yet. I decided to head to the parking lot first since that usually required the most picking up. People tended to drop gloves and hats out of their cars as they were tying up the tree, so I always made sure to go through at the end of the night and add them to our lost and found box. When I got to the parking lot, I was surprised to see a red sports car packed at the far end. I knew most of the locals who came to our farm and, since I didn’t recognize the car, I figured they must be from out of town. I sighed to myself, not wanting to have to break it to them that we were closed if they had traveled to get there. Then again, maybe they were just lost. Who would bring a sports car to buy a Christmas tree?

  As I got closer to the car, I realized there was no one in it, which was strange since it was running. I looked around the parking lot, trying to find its owner, but there was no one around. I was about to turn around, when I saw someone slowly begin to to sit up in the driver’s seat. When the girl’s eyes met mine, I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I stood there staring at Taylor, unsure how to react. Part of me wanted to turn around and run away, while the other part of me wanted to swing open the car door and pull her into my arms, never letting go. I knew that neither of these were the best option, so I just stood there frozen in place and brought my hand up into a shy wave. Taylor tossed me a half smile and then looked away. I thought this might be her way of ending our interaction, until I heard the car shut off and watched her step out.

  Much to my dismay, Taylor had somehow gotten even more beautiful over the years. She had gotten rid of her bangs and her brown hair that fell just below her shoulders now had traces of blonde highlights in it. She was still tall and slender, but even under her layers of clothes, it was obvious that she had an athletic build. She gave me a hesitant smile as she slowly walked toward me.