MADELEINE You certainly have. The poor dear’s been around the block so many times, she’s been mistaken for a taxi.
OATSIE Madeleine, I want to give you a real Hollywood welcome. I just insist you come to my house for dinner. I’m a demon in the kitchen and you come too, Magda, I insist. What shall I make? A goulash, a nice thick goulash, a native dish of Transylvania. Ever been there Magda?
LA CONDESA Can’t say I have. No doubt, Madeleine has on one of her theatrical tours.
MADELEINE Not Transylvania. Pennsylvania. Played the Schubert in Altoona.
OATSIE I adore a good goulash, spiced with plenty of garlic. Either of you have an aversion to garlic?
LA CONDESA I must confess. I have a dreadful allergic reaction to garlic. Strictly entre nous, I get terrible chafing.
MADELEINE Indeed, when she lived in Spain, she couldn’t keep her legs together for years.
OATSIE Ah Spain. The bullfights, the flamenco dancers, the magnificent cathedrals. One of my great passions is collecting models of the crucifixion. (She takes out a cross.) This, Condesa, is a Florentine cross, blessed by the brothers of Santa Giovanna.
The two vampires recoil and twitch with frenzy. Renee awakes.
KING Ah Renee, my precious.
RENEE I must have been dreaming. I dreamt I was being devoured by a horrid black bat. (Sees Madeleine and screams.) It was you, it was you!
MADELEINE Can’t you shut her up?
OATSIE You can’t shut out the truth.
MADELEINE What the . . .
She turns to Oatsie. Oatsie flashes the cross at her causing Madeleine’s hips to bump like a burlesque stripper.
OATSIE I’ve studied your evil legends all my life, I know you both very well but you don’t know me. Let me introduce myself. (She flings her coat open and throws it to the floor, revealing a man’s military jacket covered with medals and polkadotted boxer shorts. She throws off her hat and wig uncovering a shining bald pate. In a thick German dialect.) I am Gregory Salazar, vampire hunter! God in all of his mercy has cast me in the role of avenging angel to rid the world of your filth.
LA CONDESA You silly little man, you have no power over us. You shall long be dust while we are forever young.
He shows her the cross and she too begins to twitch wildly.
SALAZAR At this very moment, the Los Angeles police are surrounding this mansion. The fire department is spraying the walls with holy water. We’ve got you cornered. Daughters of Lucifer, your reign of death is over. We shall hold you both in this room until the sun rises, the sun which will transform you both into ancient hags and then decaying skeletons and then dust. I will sweep the dust into the gutter with the rest of the swill. From there your remains will float down the pipes into the public sewer where no one will know the difference between your ashes and the rest of the waste products of the Greater Los Angeles Area.
MADELEINE La Condesa, have you the power to evoke the cry of the banshee?
LA CONDESA I know the ritual but I’ve never achieved it.
SALAZAR You do not frighten us with your primitive black magic.
LA CONDESA/MADELEINE
Flee from Hades, spirits rare.
We free you from your devils lair,
Paint our victims a deep blood red,
Banshees, phantoms, vampires dead.
SALAZAR Breathe your last, Brides of Beelzebub!
LA CONDESA/MADELEINE
Far, far into the night
Remove this enemy from our sight
Burn his flesh till it’s black with char,
The vampire killer, Salazar!
Salazar’s face grows grotesque as he writhes in agony.
KING Look at his face!
MADELEINE Flee, sister, flee!
The two Vampiresses exit as Renee unleashes a bloodcurdling scream.
SCENE 3
Las Vegas, today. A rehearsal room at Caesars Palace. Two chorus boys, ZACK and P.J. enter in rehearsal clothes.
ZACK Hey don’t be nervous, man. Mellow out.
P.J. Mellow out? Easier said than done. I’m swallowing razor blades. You’d think I’d never been a chorus gypsy before. It’s this town that’s giving me the jitters.
ZACK P.J., you’re gonna love Las Vegas. It’s the greatest place on earth.
P.J. Besides Transylvania.
ZACK What do you mean by that?
P.J. Haven’t you read in the papers about the string of vampire attacks on the Vegas strip?
ZACK Who hasn’t? But hell, why should you worry? All the victims were young girls.
P.J. Vampires drink the blood of young virgins, right? As the song goes “Take Me Back to Manhattan.”
ZACK Don’t let this vampire thing get you down. Hey, give me a Vegas floor show any day over some tired Broadway trip. And this isn’t any ordinary floor show. Do you know what the name Madeleine Andrews spells?
P.J. (Spelling it out.) M-A-D . . .
ZACK No doofus, it spells class. She’s one hell of a lady.
P.J. But she hasn’t made a movie since the sixties.
ZACK She did a TV movie two years ago where she played an insane millionairess who owns the Bermuda triangle and steals the shroud of Turin. It cleaned up in the Nielsens. Don’t spread this around but she may be starring in a Broadway revival of “The Sound of Music.” Play your cards right and you may be employed for a long, long time.
DANNY enters.
ZACK But take this tip, buddy, stay away from the queens in this company.
DANNY I heard that, Miss Zack. Stay away from the queens, indeed. Sweetie, has Miss Thing invited you to her dungeon room? Or did I arrive too soon?
ZACK Fuck off, Mary.
P.J. Hey guys, come on. Miss Andrews will be here any minute.
DANNY I hope she is. It’s about time she discovered this one’s true colors.
ZACK Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy.
DANNY If you’re referring to the one night we slept together. I’d talk about your cock but I’ve got respect for the dead.
ZACK You goddamn . . .
Zack tries to attack Danny but P.J. stops them.
P.J. Hey guys, come on, can’t you discuss this calmly?
DANNY I’ll tell you what’s going on. I’ve been dancing in Madeleine Andrews’ Vegas act for five years. Before that I was a dancer on her TV Variety Show. I’ve paid my dues with that broad. My lover David has been with her just as long. Then Mata Hari here joins the company and tries to turn her against us.
ZACK First we have vampires on the strip, now I’ve got an hysterical faggot to deal with.
DANNY I wouldn’t be worried about vampires, Whorina. Your ass is hardly virgin territory.
ZACK Don’t give me your beads. Your boyfriend’s a drunk, he missed a show and Madeleine fired him.
DANNY You didn’t have to squeal on him.
ZACK Boo hoo.
P.J. Shh, Madeleine’s going to hear you!
Madeleine Andrews enters. It is of course Astarté, now the epitome of the glacial, terrifying star of stage, screen, video and Vegas. She is not completely ageless. The centuries have left their mark. She appears now as a very hardboiled though grand legend in her fifties.
MADELEINE Hello boys, ready to throw the old girl around? It’s nice to see everyone on time for a change.
ZACK Madeleine, this is P.J., the new dancer.
P.J. It’s a real thrill working with you, Miss Andrews.
MADELEINE Call me Madeleine or we’ll never get along. I love my boys and my boys love me, but there is one thing I will not tolerate and that is drinking or drugs. Is that clear?
P.J. Yes, Miss Andrews.
MADELEINE (Laughingly.) I told you to call me Madeleine. (Slaps him.) You’re cute. Danny, aren’t you going to say good morning?
DANNY Is that quite necessary, Madeleine?
MADELEINE You bet your sweet ass it is. Now Danny, I’m sure you’re very upset that I was forced to fire David but where this show is concerned, I am ruthl
ess. It’s my reputation on the line. If Caesars Palace is willing to fork over fifty smackers a week, I better damn well be worth it and that goes for everyone in this clambake. Got me?
EVERYONE Yes, Madeleine.
MADELEINE I detest being a boss lady. It’s so unattractive. Danny, I’m very fond of you, I’d like to give you some good advice. You’re better off without him.
DANNY Madeleine, I don’t want to sound rude but . . .
MADELEINE Listen to Mama. You want to be a star?
DANNY (Sullenly.) Yeah.
MADELEINE Take this advice. You can’t have it all. A long time ago, I made up my mind that there were certain things I had to give up on the road to fame. One of those things was personal happiness. Well, let’s get to work. I want this new number in by tomorrow night. Think we can do it, Zack?
ZACK You bet.
MADELEINE I hope so. I’ll freak if I have to go onstage one more time and do that “I’m Still Here” medley. Freddie, put on the playback.
They do a strenuous dance number, the chorus boys getting a tough workout while Madeleine barely moves and croaks out the lyrics. A CHAR WOMAN enters mopping the floor. It is the Condesa fallen on hard times.
MADELEINE Cut! Cut! Cut! Zack, would you tell the cleaning lady we’re rehearsing.
ZACK (To the Condesa.) Miss, excuse me. We’re rehearsing in here. You’ll have to come back later.
LA CONDESA Look bub, I take my orders from Sol Weisenbloom.
ZACK You don’t understand. Madeleine Andrews is rehearsing.
LA CONDESA Look kid, if I don’t get this floor done, my ass will be in a sling.
MADELEINE Perhaps I can be of some assistance. I’m Madeleine Andrews. (Madeleine walks over to the Condesa, recognizes her and screams in shock.)
ZACK Madeleine, are you all right? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.
MADELEINE (Trying to compose herself.) I believe I have. Zack, I’m not quite ready to rehearse.
ZACK Sure, Madeleine. Whatever you say. Hey guys, let’s go get a diet coke.
The boys exit.
ZACK We’ll be just outside.
MADELEINE (With great phoniness.) Zack, I love you. Zack exits.
LA CONDESA La Astarté as I live and breathe. Looks like you’re in the chips.
MADELEINE Can’t complain. But what happened to your fortune?
LA CONDESA Bad investments.
MADELEINE What brings you here to Vegas?
LA CONDESA Showgirls. You know I was always a sucker for a shapely gam.
MADELEINE You’ve certainly been indiscreet. You’ve given the Vegas press vampires on the brain.
LA CONDESA What, have you suddenly switched to artificial plasma? With you it’s always the same tune, I’m the monster, you’re the victim. My head reels when I think what you did to that girl scout troupe in forty-two. You bounced Hitler off the front page that week.
MADELEINE Scandal rags. I learned my lesson from that one. Never again will I jeopardize my career. Now when I look for virgins I drive my jaguar beyond the city limits.
TRACY, a very perky blonde aspiring singer enters.
TRACY Madeleine, are you busy?
LA CONDESA Oh don’t mind me, come right in. Are you a new addition to Madeleine’s act?
TRACY Oh, I hope so. I’m Madeleine’s latest protegé.
LA CONDESA Wherever did you two meet? Here in Vegas or beyond the city limits?
TRACY Oh right here in Vegas. I’ve been on tour with the Young Republican First Christian College Revue.
MADELEINE Tracy, what is it you wanted to ask me?
TRACY Which gymnastic feat do you think would give me the biggest climax? The Double Spread or the Flying Squat. And also, how long do I sing before you bite me on the neck?
LA CONDESA Please explain that bit of choreography.
TRACY It’s a special Halloween extravaganza. Madeleine appears as a glamorous lady vampire and . . .
LA CONDESA I get the general idea. Madeleine, considering all the vampire business in the news, don’t you think this could be construed as being in bad taste?
MADELEINE Darling, she may have a point, let’s keep that part of the act to ourselves. Kind of like a surprise.
TRACY Sure thing. Well, I’ll let you get back to your rehearsal. Tootles. (Tracy exits.)
LA CONDESA You lousy hypocrite. My blood simmers with hatred for you.
MADELEINE You’re just full of venom, aren’t you? Look at your face in the glass. For two thousand years you’ve worn the same expression. Do you know what that is? You’re smelling shit. You always look like you’re smelling shit. Everywhere you go, you smell shit. Lady, that’s your problem. My kind always smells the roses.
LA CONDESA You don’t smell too many roses in Siberia.
MADELEINE What are you flapping your gums about?
LA CONDESA 1952. You convinced me to take over your tour of “I Remember Mama.” When we got to the Soviet Union, you had me arrested as a CIA spy.
MADELEINE I never.
LA CONDESA You did. While you were starting a new career in the movies, I was freezing my ass off in that Gulag.
MADELEINE 1964, I was top contender for the Oscar. Jimmy the Greek had me winning ten to one, yet I lost it. Don’t think I don’t know it was you who spread those filthy rumors that I was boffing Mahalia Jackson.
LA CONDESA Honey, you got it all wrong. You’re the one who’s been persecuting me. Me! You’ve been obsessed with me for two thousand years!
MADELEINE (With intense emotion.) Yes, I’m obsessed with you. You made me what I am. Do you think I can ever forgive you for turning me into this, this thing that has no human feeling, this creature who thinks of nothing but her own survival, clawing and attacking anyone who poses a threat to me? Yes, I’m at the top of my profession but I’m not so damn proud of it.
LA CONDESA Excuse me but I’ve got a floor to clean.
MADELEINE Last year, Liv Ullmann and I toured Africa for UNICEF. While I was in the Congo, I left Liv and visited a tribal witch doctor named Pooji Dung.
LA CONDESA (Alarmed.) Pooji Dung?
MADELEINE I see the name is familiar. He comes from an ancient line of jungle sorcerers. La Condesa, he has taught me all I need know to destroy you.
LA CONDESA So what do you expect me to do, scream, run around in circles? Do it, get out your voodoo dolls. This modern world stinks. Broadway’s dead. My apartment is going co-op, you can’t get a decent bialy. I’ve had it. Give me the jungle phase out. You’ll be doing me a favor.
MADELEINE (Chanting.)
Neemy Tunka Seevy Ra.
Keemy Funga Lami Ga.
LA CONDESA But let me say this. When I’m gone, then will you be happy?
MADELEINE Feemy, feemy, feemy ragoola. Eemana, eemana, Kooray, ragu . . . ragu . . . (On the verge of hysteria.) Seemy nagu.. . (Collapses to the floor.) I can’t! I can’t kill you! Then I shall be truly alone. I’ve shed a tear. I feel something. Is it impossible that in this whole world, there is only you with whom I can travel through time?
LA CONDESA (Tough.) Save it for Valentines Day.
MADELEINE (Simply) I need you.
LA CONDESA (Touched.) You need me. Someone needs me?
MADELEINE In an odd way, your presence has always been a comfort.
LA CONDESA (In reverie.) You need me. I am needed.
MADELEINE Isn’t that what life’s all about? Funny. (Trying to compose herself) I’d better get back to rehearsal. What will you do now?
LA CONDESA I hear at the All Souls Mission they’re handing out free grub.
MADELEINE Surely, you don’t mean . . . Is there anything I can do?
LA CONDESA Nah.
MADELEINE No really. Anything. Anything I can do, ten dollars, a warm coat.
LA CONDESA Yeah, sure. I’d like to have one more shot at stardom. What can I say, I’m crazy for show business.
MADELEINE Then my girl, you shall be in show business.
LA CONDESA A comeback
?
MADELEINE A spectacular comeback! Let me give that to you.
LA CONDESA But it’s been so long. I haven’t done anything since “Love American Style” in sixty-seven. I’d be terrified.
MADELEINE We’ll do an act together and we’ll break it in in Tahoe. From there we’ll hit San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, the Kennedy Center and then Broadway!
LA CONDESA Oh boy, the two of us singing and dancing up a storm. And we won’t even think about the past.
MADELEINE What past? At this moment we are the youngest chorines in town.
LA CONDESA One more thing, dear, a small detail and something that really should be handled by lawyers and not us, nothing to get in the way of our deep friendship. But how do you see my billing in the act?
MADELEINE (Laughing at the irony of it all.) Dear heart, I can see it all. Glittering letters thirty feet high. Tonight on the great stage, Madeleine Andrews, Magda Legerdemain, the legendary, the notorious, love ‘em or hate ‘em, the Vampire Lesbians of Sodom!
The two ladies explode in laughter. The music swells covering their enthusiastic voices as they begin rehearsing a dance step for their new act.
CURTAIN
PSYCHO BEACH PARTY
Charles Busch in Psycho Beach Party. Photo Credit: Adam Newman.
THE CAST
Theatre-in-Limbo, Kenneth Elliot, and Gerald A. Davis presented Psycho Beach Party on July 20, 1987, at the Players Theatre, New York City. The cast was as follows:
The play was previously presented at the Limbo Lounge in New York City, in October, 1986.
THE CHARACTERS
Yo-Yo
Dee Dee
Nicky
Provoloney
Star Cat
Chicklet
Kanaka
Berdine
Marvel Ann
Mrs. Forrest
Bettina Barnes
Place
On and around a beach in Malibu.
Time
1962
PSYCHO BEACH PARTY
SCENE 1
Malibu Beach, 1962. Two handsome, young beach bums named YO YO and NICKY, and a sexy chick in a bikini named DEE DEE, are madly cavorting with a beach ball.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 4
