YO YO (To Dee Dee) Baby, shake those maracas.
DEE DEE (Squeals) Stop teasing me, Yo Yo.
NICKY Look at that butt.
DEE DEE You guys have a one track mind.
PROVOLONEY, a scrappy, little surfer, the joker of the group, runs on.
PROVOLONEY Girls! Girls! Girls!
YO YO Hey there, Provoloney!
NICKY and DEE DEE Hi, Provoloney.
PROVOLONEY What a fantabulous day.
DEE DEE Gosh, I love the sun.
NICKY Aw shoot, we’ve got to get back to the malt shop. Our lunch break is almost over.
YO YO Call in sick.
PROVOLONEY Say you were run over by a hit-and-run surfer.
NICKY Nah, old Augie’s a great guy. I couldn’t let him down.
DEE DEE Gosh, I really love him.
STAR CAT, the most handsome of the group, enters with a surf board.
YO YO Hey, Star Cat, how’s my man?
STAR CAT What are you clowns doing? Those waves are as high as Mount Everest.
PROVOLONEY (Looks out) Oh wow, look at them, man.
STAR CAT It’s time to hit the water.
NICKY It’s more BLT’s for us. Let’s hit the road, Dee Dee.
DEE DEE Sure thing. Gosh, I’m so happy. (They exit.)
BOYS Bye!
STAR CAT Come on guys, grab your boards, it’s time to shoot the curl.
PROVOLONEY Hot diggity! (They all run offstage.)
CHICKLET, a perky, fifteen-year-old girl skips on.
CHICKLET (To the audience) Hi folks, welcome to Malibu Beach. I hope you brought your suntan lotion cause here it’s what you call endless summer. My name’s Chicklet. Sort of a kooky name and believe me, it has nothing to do with chewing gum. You see, I’ve always been so darn skinny, a stick, a shrimp, so when other girls turned into gorgeous chicks, I became a chicklet. Can’t say I’ve always been thrilled with that particular nomenclature but it sure beats the heck out of my real name, Florence. I’m supposed to meet my girlfriends, Marvel Ann and Berdine here at the beach. Marvel Ann calls it a “man hunt.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I like boys, but not when they get all icky and unglued over you. All that kissy kissy stuff just sticks in my craw. I don’t know, maybe I need some hormone shots. I do have a deep, all-consuming passion. The mere thought fills me with tingles and ecstasy. It’s for surfing. I’m absolutely flaked out about riding the waves. Of course, I don’t know how to do it, not yet, but I’m scouting around for a teacher and when I do, look out world. You’ll be seeing old Chicklet flying over those waves like a comet.
KANAKA, the macho king of the surfers, enters, drinking from a coffee mug.
CHICKLET I can’t believe it. You’re the great Kanaka, aren’t you?
KANAKA Yes, I am the party to whom you are genuflecting.
CHICKLET Oh gosh, I’m just like your biggest fan. I was standing down front during the surfing competition—
KANAKA Hey, cool down. Pour some water on that carburetor.
CHICKLET I haven’t even introduced myself, I’m Chicklet Forrest. You’re like a living legend. Like Walt Disney or Helen Keller. Did you really ride the killer wave off the coast of Bali?
KANAKA In handcuffs. So how come you know so much about surfing?
CHICKLET I don’t but I’m dying to learn.
KANAKA A girl surfer? That’s like a bad joke.
CHICKLET Why? Couldn’t you teach me? I’m a great swimmer.
KANAKA You’re a tadpole. You’re not meant to hit the high waves. It’s like a mystical calling. Sorry, babe, sign up with the YMCA.
CHICKLET But Kanaka . . .
KANAKA Hey, little girl. I’m drinking my morning java, my grey cells are still dozing, in other words angel, buzz off.
BERDINE (Offstage) Chicklet! Come on!
CHICKLET Well, you haven’t heard the last of me. You’ll see, I’m going to be your greatest student if it kills you. Tootles. (She exits.)
Star Cat, Yo Yo and Provoloney run on, excited.
STAR CAT Hey Kanaka! You won’t believe what’s going on.
PROVOLONEY I swear Malibu Mac is going to kill the joker.
KANAKA I’m trying to drink my mother lovin java . . .
YO YO Didn’t you see the cop cars down the beach?
KANAKA (Sees them.) Oh yeah, what’s happening?
STAR CAT It’s like a bad dream. Malibu Mac has been dating that high school chick, Beverly Jo.
KANAKA The homecoming queen, right?
PROVOLONEY They spent the night on the beach.
YO YO They were knocked out cold.
STAR CAT This morning they woke up, naked as they were born and some weirdo had shaved their bodies head to toe.
YO YO Not a whisker on ‘em. Twin bowling balls.
KANAKA And Malibu Mac had a thing about his pompadour.
PROVOLONEY He looks like a six-foot wiener.
YO YO Talking about wieners, my stomach’s saying “Feed me.”
STAR CAT You’re always stuffing your face.
YO YO Food is my hobby.
PROVOLONEY Yo Yo’s a great chef. We’ve set up like a whole kitchen in our beach shack.
KANAKA Our beach shack? I never heard of two surf bums shacking up together.
PROVOLONEY You should see how Yo Yo has fixed up the place with fishnet curtains, rattan furniture, hanging plants.
KANAKA Hanging plants?
YO YO (Innocently) I do wonderful things with Hibithcuth. (They all do a take.)
PROVOLONEY My innards are screaming “chow.”
YO YO Mine are screaming “give me chile dogs!”
STAR CAT See you clowns later.
PROVOLONEY (Exiting with Yo Yo.) Food! Food! Food! (They exit.)
STAR CAT Kanaka, I talked to my dad yesterday.
KANAKA Yeah?
STAR CAT I told him I wasn’t going back to college. This premed stuff is for squares.
KANAKA But I thought you wanted to be a psychiatrist.
STAR CAT I was a kid. Now I know I want to be a surf bum. My dad hit the roof but he doesn’t understand. He grew up dirt poor and made his money tooth and nail. I can’t compete with that. More than anything I want his respect and I’ll get that by bumming around with you.
KANAKA But you know, being a surf bum is a tall order. Only a few make the grade. It’s like being a high priest, kinda. No involvements, no commitments, just following the sun. You gotta be a man.
STAR CAT I swear I won’t let you down.
KANAKA You’re a good guy, Star Cat. I think this is the time I show you some of my treasures. I got in my shack a necklace composed of genuine human eyeballs presented to the great Kanaka by a witch doctor in Peru.
STAR CAT Oh wow!
KANAKA Let’s go. (They exit.)
MARVEL ANN and BERDINE enter carrying beach bags. Marvel Ann is a gorgeous blonde high school vamp and Berdine is a hopeless nerd, but a nerd with spunk.
MARVEL ANN Honestly Berdine, did you have to put that disgusting white gook all over your nose?
BERDINE Sorry, Marvel Ann, but I got this allergy that flares up whenever I go to the beach.
MARVEL ANN What are you allergic to?
BERDINE The sun. It’s ghastly. My face turns beet red, my eyes close up, and I get this terrible chafing between my legs.
MARVEL ANN Charming. Help me spread out the blanket. (They do.)
BERDINE Marvel Ann, this blanket is really divoon.
MARVEL ANN It’s coordinated with my skin tone. Chicklet, help us.
Chicklet enters.
CHICKLET I found something in the sand.
BERDINE What is it, a shell?
CHICKLET No look. (She dangles a spider in front of Marvel Ann.)
MARVEL ANN (Screams in terror.) A black widow! (She pushes it out of Chicklet’s hand.)
CHICKLET You scared it.
MARVEL ANN Listen you two weirdos, my nerves are a frazzle. I can’t believe what happened to Beverly Jo. I’m
going to have nightmares all night from seeing her like that.
BERDINE I wonder what the penalty is for shaving someone’s head.
CHICKLET It wasn’t just her head. Couldn’t you see, they also shaved her . . . (She whispers “pussy” in Berdine’s ear and they are dissolved in giggles.)
MARVEL ANN Cut that out. I think you two have forgotten the reason we’re here. This is a man hunt, capiche?
CHICKLET Why do we have to bother with them? Can’t we just have a good time by ourselves?
MARVEL ANN You have a severe problem, Chicklet. You’ve got the sex drive of a marshmallow, you’re pushing sixteen. So what if you’re a straight A student, that’s parent’s stuff. Get with it.
CHICKLET Maybe I’m just some kind of a freak. Maybe I’ll never fall in love.
BERDINE Oh you will, you will.
CHICKLET But how will I know when it hits me?
BERDINE You will, you will.
MARVEL ANN Chicklet, what are you trying to do, spoil the picture? Take off your top. You’ve got your swim suit on, don’t you? Peel, girl, peel.
CHICKLET Darn it, it’s in my bag and there’s no ladies room to change in.
MARVEL ANN There’s no one around. You better hurry.
BERDINE You can’t take your top off here.
CHICKLET Hold the blanket up and no one will see me. (They hold up the blanket, Chicklet takes off her smock, revealing her nude, flat chest.) I’m hopeless. I’m built just like a boy. I wonder if I’ll ever fill out.
BERDINE Hurry up, Chicklet. Marvel Ann, hold the blanket up so I can help Chicklet with her top. (Chicklet pulls on her bathing suit top.)
MARVEL ANN We’re in luck. Look at those four gorgeous hunks of male, over there, almost enough for second helpings. Now a manuever like this takes technique. Talk to me. Don’t let them think we’re looking at them.
CHICKLET What should we talk about?
MARVEL ANN Anything.
BERDINE I’m reading the most exciting book. It’s by Jean Paul Sartre. It’s called “Nausea.”
MARVEL ANN (Posing and not paying attention.) Oh, really.
BERDINE It’s, the most clear-headed explanation of existentialism. The whole concept of free will being conscious choice against the determining . . .
MARVEL ANN (With extreme bitchiness) I’ll see the movie.
CHICKLET Gosh, Berdine, I’m impressed. You’re a real egghead.
MARVEL ANN They’re looking this way. Now very slowly, let’s turn our heads in their direction. (They simultaneously turn their heads.) Slowly. Cock your head to the side and give a little smile. (They cock their heads and smile in unison.) Not like that, Berdine, you look like you’ve got whiplash. (Berdine straightens up.) The blonde one is giggling. (She giggles.)
CHICKLET What’s so funny?
MARVEL ANN Shut up. Now we go in for the kill. (She makes a sexy growl.)
CHICKLET What’s she doing now?
BERDINE I believe she’s displaying animal magnetism.
Berdine and Chicklet start growling and barking like wild dogs and apes.
MARVEL ANN What the hell are you two doing? Oh, now you’ve done it. They’re laughing at us. How dare you. I hate you both.
CHICKLET Marvel Ann, don’t lose your sense of humor.
MARVEL ANN (Stands up.) Oh, I’m laughing all right and so is everyone else at school, laughing at how backward you are. I ought to get the purple heart just for being seen with you. (Turns to leave.)
BERDINE Where are you going?
MARVEL ANN I didn’t come to the beach to play. I came here to catch a man. So if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll set my traps elsewhere.
CHICKLET Can we come too?
MARVEL ANN What’s the point in meeting boys? You two queerbaits should get a license and marry each other. (She exits, laughing.)
CHICKLET What sort of nasty crack is that?
BERDINE I don’t see anything wrong with having a best friend.
CHICKLET I suppose some friends get so close that they lose their individual identities.
BERDINE We’re two very independent personalities.
CHICKLET She’s just jealous, cause . . .
BERDINE (Finishing her sentence.) We’ve never really accepted her. How could we, she’s . . .
CHICKLET dumb as-a stick. I don’t think she’s ever read a book . . .
BERDINE all the way to the end. Someday she’ll be sorry . . .
CHICKLET that she rushed into adulthood. We’re much wiser to
BERDINE/CHICKLET (Simultaneously) take our time.
CHICKLET I don’t think virginity is such a horrible . . .
BERDINE degrading . . . .
CHICKLET awful thing. You know of course what she did with you know who in the . . .
BERDINE (Understands perfectly.) Uh huh. Uh huh. And did you know she . . .
CHICKLET (Understands perfectly.) Uh huh. But I think there’s more to it. I think, well . . . you know . . .
BERDINE Really? (Giggles.)
CHICKLET It reminds me of that book we read, what was it?
BERDINE (Knows the book.) Yes, yes, yes. That’s exactly the same kinda . . .
CHICKLET And look what . . . well . . .
BERDINE So true, so true. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Marvel Ann enters with Kanaka and Star Cat.
MARVEL ANN Look what I found in the sand. Two hunks of California he-man.
KANAKA I dig a mermaid whose lips are as flip as her fins.
MARVEL ANN (Coyly) Don’t swim too fast upstream, you can still lose the race.
KANAKA I know how to glide on wave power when I have to.
STAR CAT (To Marvel Ann) Hey, the waves are flipping out. Come and watch me surf standing on my head.
CHICKLET (Wildly impressed) Can you really do that?
STAR CAT Sure. (To Marvel Ann) I can do lots of special tricks.
CHICKLET (Innocently) Really? Like what?
STAR CAT (To Marvel Ann) You interested?
MARVEL ANN (Provocatively) Very interested.
CHICKLET (Thinks they’re talking about surfing.) So am I. Let’s go right now.
MARVEL ANN I’d rather see you try those stunts on land.
CHICKLET That’s not the same thing at all.
MARVEL ANN I missed your name, tall, dark and brooding.
STAR CAT They call me Star Cat.
MARVEL ANN I call you cute.
STAR CAT I’d like to call you sometime.
MARVEL ANN I’m in the phone book under my father’s name, Franklin McCallister, I’m Marvel Ann.
CHICKLET You can call me too. I’m Chicklet. Here. I’ll write down my number cause golly, I’d do anything to see you surf standing on your . . .
MARVEL ANN Oh pooh, the sun’s playing hookey. No use sitting around here.
KANAKA Star Cat, let’s help the lady.
STAR CAT You bet!
MARVEL ANN (She holds up the blanket, the boys help her.) Why thank you, gentlemen. Come, girls.
CHICKLET That’s okay, Marvel Ann. I think I’ll stay out a little longer. I’ll call you when I get home, Berdine. Okle dokle?
BERDINE (Wary) Okle dokle.
MARVEL ANN (Suspiciously) Okle dokle. (They exit.)
KANAKA (To Star Cat) Good going, pal. I bet she’s hot and spicy between the enchilada.
CHICKLET If Kanaka won’t teach me to surf, will you? I’m a quick study. Straight A’s in all my classes.
STAR CAT You think I’m impressed? Listen little girl, surfing is a man’s work. Be a girl. You’re more fish than dish. Me teach you how to surf? Don’t make me laugh. I’d rather teach a chicken to lay an elephant’s turd. Go home to mama and run, don’t walk. (He exits.)
CHICKLET Boy, he’s a grump.
KANAKA Aw, Star Cat’s a raw pearl. He’s just a sensitive kind of fella. Hey, look at that kite.
CHICKLET Which one?
KANAKA The red one with the flying fish.
(Chicklet
’s face becomes distorted and she becomes her alter ego, Ann Bowman, a glamorous femme fatale.)
KANAKA (Oblivious) When I was a kid, I was bananas over flying kites. More than anything, I’d like to be running with a kite against the wind.
CHICKLET (Laughs) Darling, more than anything, I’d like a cool martini, dry with a twist.
KANAKA Say what?
CHICKLET You do know what a martini is, my delicious Neanderthal.
KANAKA Chicklet?
CHICKLET (Laughs) I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong girl. Chicklet is not my name.
KANAKA Who are you?
CHICKLET My name is Ann Bowman.
KANAKA (Laughs) That’s pretty good. You wanna be an actress?
CHICKLET I’m revealing my true nature. (Fingers his fly.) I’d like to see you strip down to your truest self.
KANAKA (Pushes her hand away.) Hey, you shouldn’t do that.
CHICKLET Give me one good reason.
KANAKA You’re underage.
CHICKLET My energy is as old as the Incan temples. You ever been to Peru, baby?
KANAKA Can’t say I have.
CHICKLET Someday, you and I must explore the ancient temple of Aca Jo Tep. But enough about that for now, what about us?
KANAKA Hey, cool your jets, babe. If I didn’t live by my personal code of honor, I might take advantage of this situation erotically, as it were.
CHICKLET Give into the feeling, Daddy-O.
KANAKA Cut the soundtrack for a minute and listen up. Let me give you the number one rule of sexual relations. No stud digs a heavy come-on from a babe. A chick can play it tough but underneath the makeup, a dude’s gotta know the chick’s a lady. In straight lingo, no pigs need apply.
CHICKLET (Lies on the ground) Forget the rules, lie here on the sand with me. Doncha love the feel of hot sand against your nude flesh?
KANAKA I don’t know what you’re up to but you’ve got the wrong hep cat.
CHICKLET Perhaps I do. I thought you were the man with the big cigar. What are you packing, a tiparillo?
KANAKA More than you can handle, kid. They ought to send you to the juvenile detention hall.
CHICKLET Aw, I’m scaring the “wittle” boy.
KANAKA Doll, when I dance, I make the moves, the chick always follows. (He turns to leave)
CHICKLET (With mad ferocity) Don’t you turn your butt to me!
KANAKA (Turns around shocked) Chicklet?
CHICKLET I am not Chicklet, you lobotomized numbskull!!!
KANAKA C’mon stop fooling.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 5
