CHICKLET Do not test me. I will have my way. (Laughs) I frighten you, don’t I?
KANAKA No, I ain’t scared.
CHICKLET You’re lying. You’re yellow as a traffic light, you sniveling little prick. You’re scared.
KANAKA No.
CHICKLET Look at your hands, they’re shaking like jello.
KANAKA (Hides his hands) No, they ain’t.
CHICKLET You’re scared. Say it, you’re scared.
KANAKA Yes!
CHICKLET Yes what?
KANAKA Yes, ma’am.
CHICKLET Ah, that’s better. You’re just a little slave boy, aren’t you, sonny?
KANAKA I gotta get outta here.
CHICKLET You ain’t going anywhere, punk. You know, I’m going to give you what you always wanted.
KANAKA You are?
CHICKLET I think we understand each other very well. I know what you fantasize about, I know what you dream about and I’m going to give it to you in spades. Now I want you to go into town and buy yourself a slave collar and a garter belt and a pair of black silk stockings. Spike heels will complete the ensemble and then my dear darling Kanaka, I’m gonna shave all that man fur off you and you’ll look just like the little boy that you are.
KANAKA But what will the rest of the fellas think?
CHICKLET (In a rage) To hell with the rest of the fellas! I am the most important! Me! Ann Bowman! I will not be cast aside, I will not be . . . (Becomes Chicklet again) Of course, my Mom’s an old prude, she won’t think surfing is ladylike but I know I can win her over.
KANAKA (In shock) What?
CHICKLET My Mom. I’m gonna have to ask her permission.
KANAKA Ann?
CHICKLET My name’s Chicklet, silly. So are you gonna teach me, please, please, pretty please.
KANAKA Do you remember what we were just talking about?
CHICKLET Surfing lessons.
KANAKA No after that, I mean before that.
CHICKLET Your friend Star Cat? I’m wearing down your resistance, aren’t I?
KANAKA (Very confused) Yeah, I’ll say.
CHICKLET Can we start tomorrow?
KANAKA Yeah, sure.
CHICKLET Yippee! I gotta get moving, gotta round up a board, get my Mom’s okay and then tomorrow, we hit the old H2O. Tootles. (She exits)
KANAKA (Scratching his head in disbelief) A red kite with a flying fish.
BLACKOUT
SCENE 2
Chicklet’s house. She enters.
CHICKLET Mom, I’m home. Gosh, the place looks spotless. Was Sadie here today?
(MRS. FORREST enters, the spitting image of Joan Crawford .)
MRS. FORREST Unfortunately no. Poor Sadie’s brother Bubba was run over by a hit-and-run driver. You know our Sadie, always an excuse not to work, I’ve been on my hands and knees scrubbing all morning. And to top it off, I was experimenting cooking a veal scallopini in the pressure cooker. The darn thing exploded and I’m still finding bits of scallopini in my wiglet.
CHICKLET Well, the house looks swell.
MRS. FORREST Thank you, dear. Did you enjoy yourself at the beach? (Puts arm around her)
CHICKLET I guess so.
MRS. FORREST I detect a sphinx-like expression. Penny for your thoughts.
CHICKLET (Looking for a way to tell her about surfing) I just hate thinking of you doing all that nasty housework. You’re so beautiful.
MRS. FORREST (Laughs) My darling daughter, I am just an old widow and a little hard work never hurt anyone.
CHICKLET You’re still young. Haven’t you ever thought of remarrying?
MRS. FORREST Your father was the great love of my life. I’ve always regretted that he died before you were born, that you never knew him. He was quite a guy. A damn good provider. And, darling, to even think of another man would betray his memory.
CHICKLET I really love you but I don’t think I’m pulling my weight around here. I’ve been thinking, there must be more chores for me to do, painting the inside of the trash cans, polishing the cactus plants.
MRS. FORREST Chicklet, I smell a rat.
CHICKLET I’ll exterminate it.
MRS. FORREST Chicklet, what’s going on up there in the old attic? (Indicating her brain)
CHICKLET Okay, Mom, cards on the table. I need twenty-five dollars to buy a surf board.
MRS. FORREST Out of the question.
CHICKLET Mom, it’s the chance of a lifetime. The great Kanaka has promised to teach me to surf.
MRS. FORREST The great who?
CHICKLET The great Kanaka, why he’s practically as famous as the President of the United States.
MRS. FORREST It’s too dangerous.
CHICKLET It’s as safe as playing jacks. Please let me Mom. It’ll be sheer heaven or months and months of stark solitude.
MRS. FORREST I will not have my daughter cavorting with a band of derelict beach bums.
CHICKLET They’re great guys. You should see them shooting the curl. It’s the ultimate. A gilt-edged guarantee for a summer of sheer happiness.
MRS. FORREST Control yourself, Florence.
CHICKLET (Fiercely) I will not control myself. I want a mother-fucking cocksucking surfboard!!!
MRS. FORREST I can see the effect those boys are having on you. I don’t like it one bit. You will not see those boys ever again. Promise me that.
CHICKLET I will not promise you.
MRS. FORREST You’re cold. This is what the male sex is going to do to us. It’s going to tear us apart. You don’t know how lucky you are being a virgin, pure and chaste.
CHICKLET But someday I do want to marry and then I suppose I’d have to . . .
MRS. FORREST Do what? Have sexual intercourse. I know how they paint it so beautifully in the movies. A man and a woman locked in embrace, soft lighting, a pitcher of Manhattans, Rachmaninoff in the background. Well, my girl, let me tell you that is not how it is. You don’t know how repugnant it is having a sweaty man’s thing poking at you. (She jabs her finger into Chicklet) Do you like that?
CHICKLET Stop, you’re hurting me.
MRS. FORREST That’s nothing compared to when they poke you down there.
CHICKLET I don’t believe you.
MRS. FORREST Florence!
CHICKLET I don’t believe you. Sexual relations between a man and a woman in love is a beautiful and sacred thing. You’re wrong, Mother, horribly wrong.
MRS. FORREST The male body is coarse and ugly.
CHICKLET Some men are beautiful.
MRS. FORREST (In a demonic rage) You think men are beautiful. Well, take a look at this, Missy. (She pulls from her cleavage a jock strap) For years I’ve kept this, anticipating this very moment. Do you know what this is?
CHICKLET No.
MRS. FORREST It’s a peter belt. This is the pouch that holds their swollen genitalia. Isn’t this beautiful? Isn’t this romantic? (She slaps Chicklet with the jock strap repeatedly.)
CHICKLET Stop, stop.
MRS. FORREST (Throws the jock strap at Chicklet.) You are a very foolish girl And to think I spent long hours toiling over that veal scallopini. (Mrs. Forrest exits. Chicklet stares at the jock strap and whimpers.)
CHICKLET I’m sorry, Mommy, I’m sorry. (Starts growling and making animal noises. In baby talk.) She can’t treat me this way. She’s so mean and I’m too little to fight back . . . I’m so angry. . . I’m so angry . . . I’m . . . I’m (She bursts into demonic laughter. As Ann Bowman.) I’m alive! I’m alive! Ann Bowman lives!!!!
BLACKOUT
SCENE 3
Berdine is in her pajamas writing in her diary
BERDINE Dear Diary: Last night Chicklet showed up at my house with a real bee in her bonnet. She is determined to buy a surfboard. Her Mom said nix. Boy, parents can be grumps. Anyways, it’s a good thing I won that prize money for my essay on Kierkegaard, Kant and Buber. I handed it right over. Chicklet Forrest is my best friend in the whole stratosphere. I’ve never told this to anyone, not even you, d
ear diary, but sometimes I catch her talking to herself in this weird sort of voice. I suppose some people would say she’s kind of loco but you see, Chicklet is a very creative person and sometimes her imagination just sort of goes blotto but in a noodly sort of way, not a complete geek-out but just a fizzle in her research center. Sorry, that’s teenage talk. Well, time to sign off, your ever faithful correspondent, Berdine.
BLACKOUT
SCENE 4
The beach. Yo Yo and Provoloney enter talking
YO YO I got my menu for the luau all made up. What do you think of marinated alligator tips? You can buy ‘em frozen at Ralph’s. And I thought lots of finger food, but no dips, I am so tired of dips.
PROVOLONEY Yo Yo, would you stop with the food for a minute.
YO YO But, Provoloney, the luau is only three weeks away.
PROVOLONEY Do you realize how much of your life is obsessed with trivia? Finger food, dips. It really upsets me how little scope you have.
YO YO What are you talking about? I’ve got scope. (Switching the subject) What do you want to do with your hair for the luau?
PROVOLONEY (He screams.) See what I mean? Trivia! All this talk about recipes and hairstyles. People are gonna think you’re kind of, you know, (Makes a limp wrist) that way.
YO YO Let ‘em try. I’ll bash their nuts in.
PROVOLONEY (Trying to talk sensibly) Yo Yo, do you ever think about the future?
YO YO Yeah, that’s why I’m asking you about the alligator tips.
PROVOLONEY The far future. You’re not going to be young forever. We need to plan ahead.
YO YO This was such a beautiful day. You’re making me so depressed.
PROVOLONEY (Very upbeat) Don’t be depressed, kid. Stick with me and you’ll never be sorry.
Star Cat enters.
STAR CAT Hey guys, any of you seen Kanaka? (Kanaka and Chicklet enter.)
KANAKA Gentlemen, the time has come for me to introduce you to the new Empress of the Seven Seas. Queen Chicklet is going to join us on the water today.
PROVOLONEY This little twirp working our waves, give me a break.
CHICKLET I’m not a twirp.
YO YO Stick to the bathtub, baby, leave the Pacific to the big boys.
STAR CAT We’re too busy to be changing your diapers.
CHICKLET You think you know everything, you stuck up prune face pickle eater.
KANAKA You ready for a ride, Chickerino?
CHICKLET Kanaka, these fins are ready to hit the foam. What do you say?
KANAKA I say “Everybody, grab your surf boards and charge!” (They all hoot and holler.)
Lights black out and then come back on and we see Chicklet and the boys riding the high waves, laughing and screaming with joy and excitement. Blackout. When the lights come up they are carrying Chicklet on their shoulders, shouting “Hip hip hooray.”
KANAKA What did I tell you, ain’t she something else?
YO YO (Making a big formal bow and kissing her hand) I bow before the Queen Chicklet.
CHICKLET Aw, knock it off.
PROVOLONEY Welcome to the club. What do you say we make her our new mascot?
YO YO Great.
STAR CAT You know something, I am a stuck up prune face pickle eater. (He gives Chicklet a big hug and they embrace, a bit too long. Everyone’s cheers turn to ohhhhhh, and they are embarrassed.) And I’ll tell you what, I’ll even teach you how to surf standing on your head.
CHICKLET (Thrilled) You would? Really? Just the two of us?
YO YO (Imitating her) Really? Just the two of us? (All the guys giggle.)
CHICKLET (Embarrassed) Well, I’d need to concentrate. I can’t learn anything with you jokers around.
STAR CAT Sure, kid, just the two of us.
PROVOLONEY (Acting silly) Can we come, too?
YO YO Please, please, pretty please. (Chicklet chases them around.)
CHICKLET Oh gosh, this is the way I like it, just kids, horsing around, having picnics.
PROVOLONEY We need to give her an initiation.
STAR CAT And how.
CHICKLET Oh, no you don’t.
PROVOLONEY Yo Yo, give her the Chinese tickle torture.
They grab her and Yo Yo pushes his head into her stomach tickling her with his hair, She screams. Marvel Ann enters.)
MARVEL ANN Star Cat. (They drop Chicklet.)
STAR CAT Hey there, Marvel Ann.
STAR CAT (She wraps herself around him.) What’s all the brou-ha-ha?
KANAKA The Chicklet turned out to be a first class surfer.
YO YO The best.
MARVEL ANN How marvelous for you. I wish you every . . . every.
CHICKLET You should try surfing, Marvel Ann, it’s great for anyone with a weight problem.
MARVEL ANN I get my exercise indoors. Star Cat, wait til you see the dress I bought to wear to the luau. It’s very . . . very.
CHICKLET What, luau?
MARVEL ANN Haven’t you naughty boys told Chicklet about the luau? It’s just the biggest event of the whole summer.
CHICKLET You douche bags, why have you been holding out on me?
KANAKA You’re just not the luau type, baby.
PROVOLONEY It’s a wild night.
YO YO Practically an orgy.
CHICKLET I want to go.
MARVEL ANN Besides you’ll need an escort and I’ve already nabbed the cutest boy in town. (Flirts with an uncomfortable Star Cat. She strokes his hair.)
STAR CAT Ow, you’re pulling my hair.
MARVEL ANN You promised you’d go to the pier with me today. I’m in the mood for a nice big banana split. Doesn’t that sound tasty?
STAR CAT Very, very. See you guys later. (They exit.)
CHICKLET You all think you’re real clever not telling me about the luau but I’m going and I’m going to make a splash like you’ve never seen.
The incredibly glamourous movie star, BETTINA BARNES, enters in a big hat and dark glasses. The boys stare at her transfixed as she unfolds her blanket and sits on the beach.)
YO YO Zowie!
PROVOLONEY Hot dog!
KANAKA Let’s check out her I. D. (They approach her.)
CHICKLET Hey guys, don’t bother with her.
KANAKA (To Bettina) And then the Papa Bear said “Who’s been sleeping in my sandbox?”
BETTINA (Surprised, lowers her sunglasses) Pardon me?
KANAKA What brings you here to grace our turf?
BETTINA (Breathily innocent) Am I trespassing? I had no idea.
PROVOLONEY You look real familiar. Do you know Lenny Pinkowitz?
BETTINA (Alarmed) Is he a shutterbug?
CHICKLET Hey guys, come on.
YO YO Can we ask you your name?
BETTINA I’m afraid I can’t answer that.
CHICKLET Are you incognito?
BETTINA (Not comprehending) No, I’m German-Irish.
KANAKA Are there people after you?
BETTINA I have a whole motion picture studio after me and the entire press corp. Haven’t you read the newspapers? I’m Bettina Barnes. (Gasps) I shouldn’t have told you.
CHICKLET Bettina Barnes, the movie star.
BETTINA Actress.
CHICKLET You disappeared from the set of your new movie. The police think you’ve been kidnapped.
BETTINA I was never kidnapped. I ran away.
PROVOLONEY Why would you run away from a movie?
BETTINA You don’t know what it’s like being exploited by those lousy flesh peddlers and power brokers. Everyone wanting a little piece. I’m not a pepperoni.
KANAKA I saw you in that movie “Sex Kittens Go To Outer Space.”
BETTINA That was a good film. The director had a vision but then I had to do the four sequels. Quel trash. I couldn’t go on. They have no respect for the rights of the individual.
YO YO We’ll respect you.
BETTINA (Touched) Would you really? Isn’t that what all human beings desire, respect? That’s why I’m on the lam, to get
me some.
CHICKLET Where are you going to go?
BETTINA New York. I’ve been accepted to study with Lee Strasberg. But first I thought I’d hide out here to get some rest and relaxation. I’ve rented that beach house over there. I signed the lease under my real name Frieda Deefendorfer. You won’t squeal on me, will you? (The boys all promise they won’t.) You’re so sweet. You can be kind of like my brothers. (To Chicklet) And you, you’re perky. With a new hairstyle and the right makeup, you could be almost pretty.
Berdine enters.
BERDINE Chicklet! There you are. I thought I’d find you here. You were supposed to meet me at the malt shop. I was waiting there over an hour when . . . (She sees Bettina and screams.) Bettina Barnes! (The boys grab her and hold her mouth closed.)
CHICKLET She’s incognito.
BERDINE Bettina Barnes. In person. You have the most beautiful eyelashes I’ve ever seen on any mammal.
BETTINA You’re very kind.
BERDINE I loved you in “The Pizza Waitress with Three Heads.” You were so real. When they trapped you on top of the Pizzeria, you made me feel what it’s like to have three heads and be shot in each one of them.
BETTINA (Intensely) Did I really?
BERDINE Oh yes, Miss Barnes.
BETTINA (Tenderly) Call me Miss B. I know I could be a great actress if I found the right vehicle.
PROVOLONEY She needs wheels.
YO YO The lady needs wheels.
KANAKA We’ll get you a car.
BERDINE No, she means she needs a great role that will reveal the many facets of her kaleidoscopic persona.
BETTINA (Confused) What did she say?
BERDINE Sometimes even the great don’t understand their own power. You are more than a mere sex kitten. You are the feminine embodiment of the nietzschian superman. Ever striving, striking a blow for the truth in the eternal battle of the sexes. Onward, Bettina! “And whatever will break on our truths, let it break! Many a house hath yet to be built.” Thus spake Zarathustra.
BETTINA That’s what I’ve been telling my agents for months. You’re smart. What’s your name?
BERDINE Berdine.
BETTINA I desperately need a secretary slash companion slash masseuse. How would you like a job for the summer?
BERDINE I don’t know, Miss B. I’ve got a big reading list to get through. And I’m still not finished with “The Idiot.”
BETTINA (With great sympathy) You’ve got man trouble?
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 6
