She moves down near fireplace as Raina’s head pops up behind sofa.
GERTRUDE It all takes place in Greenwich Village. That’s part of New York. Downtown. (She sees Raina.) No, what am I saying? I’ve changed it. It takes place in Harlem. That’s uptown. Up, up, uptown.
She points for Raina to go upstairs.
GERTRUDE It’s the upper corner of Manhattan Island. The upper right corner.
Raina drags herself up the stairs.
GERTRUDE That’s right, folks, Harlem. The home of Jelly-roll Morton, The Cotton Club, Satchmo.
She sits on arm of sofa next to the Baron, as Raina starts up to the first landing.
GERTRUDE It’s about the wild, bohemian set. Grasping at everything life has to offer, one step at a time. This woman, Annabella, is a painter. A painter of large murals and loose morals. Isn’t that funny? Sometimes I just come up with these little . . . (No one is laughing.) She falls in love with a nobleman, kind of like you.
BARON Like me?
GERTRUDE Oh yes, handsome, debonair.
BARON This nobleman; he makes her happy?
GERTRUDE (Near hysteria.) Oh honey, she’s downright slaphappy!
BARON (Amused.) Then it must be, what you call, escapist entertainment.
GERTRUDE You might say.
LOTTE (Standing up.) I’m bored.
Raina hides around corner of first landing, as Gertrude stands up and runs to Lotte holding an imaginary knife.
GERTRUDE (Screams.) A crazy lady runs out of a building holding a knife. She sings “I can’t, I can’t. I can’t go on much longer like this.”
During this she has “stabbed” Lotte back down on the sofa again. Raina falls from her hiding place onto the newel post of the second landing.
GERTRUDE The music gets faster and faster. It speeds up, accelerato!
Raina falls onto second landing stairs.
GERTRUDE It slows down.
Raina drags herself up to second landing.
BARON (Starting to get up.) It’s chilly in here. Let me close the window.
GERTRUDE (Pushing the Baron back onto the sofa.) I didn’t tell you, Annabella also works as a part-time chiropractor. She met the Baron while cracking his neck.
She sits between the Baron and Lotte and with one arm grabs the Baron around the neck to keep him from seeing Raina.
BARON Ow!
LOTTE It is cold in here. I’ll close the . . .
GERTRUDE (With her other arm, grabs Lotte around the neck.) She’s also a part-time lesbian.
BARON This sounds like decadent art.
GERTRUDE Oh, it’s madly decadent. Annabella seduces the Baron and his niece. She takes them to her artist’s garret and forces them both to strip naked.
Behind them on the top landing, Raina realizes she simply can’t walk another foot to get to the door. She does a full somersault that gets her to the exit.
GERTRUDE Slowly she caresses their nude bodies and . . .
Gertrude looks up and Raina gives her the okay sign, and exits.
GERTRUDE And that’s all I’m going to tell you. I’m fairly tingling with inspiration. I must go to my room and compose. (She runs up the stairs at a clip.)
BARON But, Gertrude, what happens next?
GERTRUDE I’m concentrating, darling. (She sings strange atonal phrases as she ascends the stairs and exits.)
LOTTE The whole thing was a lie.
BARON Lotte, you must not be so suspicious. Come, Lotte, let us go to the freezers and choose the best steaks and sausages for tonight’s supper.
(They cross to the mantle. The Baron moves Hitler’s portrait revealing the safe.)
LOTTE Oh, Uncle, this is an honor. You’ve never let me see the freezers before.
BARON I keep my special keys in the safe behind this portrait. (Does the combination.) Now that you are a young woman, I shall trust you with these keys. (Opens the safe, sees keys are missing.) That’s strange. The keys are missing.
LOTTE (Gasps.) She took them! She took them! I thought I saw her sneaking around here this morning.
BARON Who, Lotte?
LOTTE The piano player, Miss Gertrude Garnet!
BARON But why should she do this? She is in love with me. True, her friend was a conspirator, but not Gertrude, I don’t believe it.
LOTTE Uncle, only an hour ago I heard her arrange to meet the other American, Erik Maxwell. Are you aware that Erik Maxwell is none other than the son of Raina Aldric?
BARON (Screams and starts to strangle Lotte.) This is not true!!! (Controls himself.) Is true. What a great fool I am. What have I done?
AUGUSTA (Enters with basket of apples.) Good afternoon, my liebchen. Why so glum? It is a gorgeous day.
BARON Mutter, I have done a terrible thing. We must talk.
AUGUSTA (Fearing the worst.) What have you done, Willy?
BARON It is hard for me to say.
AUGUSTA First, bring me a cigar. Then you will sit here and tell me what you have done. (She sits on sofa, basket of apples to floor.)
BARON Mutter, I have fallen in love. (Lights cigar.) I have fallen in love with an American agent.
AUGUSTA Is she with a big agency like William Morris?
BARON You don’t understand. She is a spy. Gertrude Garnet has helped Raina Aldric to escape.
AUGUSTA (Fiercely.) Swine!!! (Slaps him.) Dumpfkopf!! Why do you not listen to me?
BARON Mother, please.
AUGUSTA You are weak, Wilhelm, weak. This is the eternal curse of the Von Elsners.
BARON Please, Mother, not in front of Lotte.
AUGUSTA No, she must stay. She is more of a man than you. Let her know of her heritage and the cross she must bear. All of the men in your ancient line have been weak, infantile. It is the women who have led the family to greatness.
BARON That is not true. My father died a hero in battle.
AUGUSTA Your father died in a madhouse. I should know. I placed him there. They all go the same way. First they display childlike stupidity, then impotence, and then madness.
BARON (Spooked.) I am still not mad. I will show you, Mother. I will show you I am not weak. Fraülein Garnet!!!
AUGUSTA Don’t! I gather she does not know you know that she knows that we know.
BARON Uh uh.
AUGUSTA Then let us wait a bit longer.
LOTTE And then I will strangle her myself.
AUGUSTA No, Lotte, that would not look good. Such an important personage must not be found murdered. It must appear far more natural. I shall take care of the lady in question.
Baron cries, head in hands.
AUGUSTA Do not worry, my little Wilhelm, Mother will take care of everything.
Bright Viennese waltz music comes in as the lights blackout and continues into the next scene.
BLACKOUT
ACT TWO
SCENE 2
The Schloss, that evening. Gertrude, Doktor, Baron and Lotte enter from dinner. Gertrude carries an evening bag. A small side table has been added against the Downstage Right wall.
GERTRUDE Dinner was absolutely superb. The weinerschnitzel and sauerbraten were perfection and the potato dumplings, so delectable. I will not leave without your mother’s recipe. (Sits on the sofa.)
BARON I am so happy you enjoyed your last supper . . . before you leave us. Is there no way, my darling, I can persuade you to stay? (Sits next to Gertrude on the sofa.)
GERTRUDE I’m afraid not. When MGM calls, one lifts one’s skirts and runs. Just imagine, me starring as myself in my own musical biography, “I Love a Piano.” Of course, I am heartbroken I had to cancel my concert at the Festspielhaus. All those poor little burghers who camped out all night to buy their tickets.
LOTTE But what of your friend, the Countess, what if she returns and you’re not here?
GERTRUDE (Holding herself together.) I’m sure wherever she is, she will understand.
BARON She left without saying goodbye.
DOKTOR An enchanting creature. (Crosses to fir
eplace and lights a cigarette.)
BARON But you, Gertrude, when will I see you again?
GERTRUDE I shall be in Los Angeles through December. I’m sure by then, darling, you and your men will be marching down La Cienega Boulevard.
DOKTOR I am so disappointed. I did so want to show you my laboratory. I am just beginning with human experiments.
GERTRUDE I am fascinated by science. Music is, after all, closely allied to the field of physics.
BARON Perhaps, Herr Doktor, Gertrude will stay if we, how do you Americans say, twist her arm.
LOTTE I’ll twist her arm, uncle.
GERTRUDE Dear Lotte, I do hope some day you’ll realize that you have a special kind of beauty, the kind which comes from within, my precious little monkeyface.
Augusta enters with a tray of strudel, through the kitchen’s swinging doors. She places it on the small table against the Downstage Right wall.
AUGUSTA I have a surprise for our lovely guest. I have baked my famous Von Elsner strudel.
BARON Oh, Mother, you haven’t. Gertrude, we have a great treat in store for us.
GERTRUDE Oh, dear. Had I but known. The sauerbraten did me in.
LOTTE This strudel will really do you in.
GERTRUDE My girdle is way too tight already.
AUGUSTA Just a small piece, a sliver.
GERTRUDE I couldn’t.
BARON Mother shall be quite offended.
AUGUSTA I shall be furious.
GERTRUDE I’ll take a sliver.
AUGUSTA The pieces are already cut, so you just eat as much as you can. (Puts powdered sugar on Gertrude’s strudel.)
DOKTOR Augusta, I am furious. Never once have you baked me your famous strudel.
AUGUSTA (Serving everyone.) Tut, tut, tut, Herr Doktor. When your first human experiment survives, I shall make you my all-butter pound cake. (Gives Gertrude her specially prepared piece of strudel.) Eat up, dear. See if it is to your taste.
GERTRUDE (Innocently perplexed.) Why is mine the only piece with powdered sugar?
AUGUSTA I . . . I understood all Americans liked things sweet. Should I take it off?
GERTRUDE No. It looks divine.
They all stare at her.
GERTRUDE (Takes a bite and grimaces with revulsion then tries to be polite.) Mmmm, light as air.
BARON Mother, you must have worked hours on that strudel.
LOTTE And I helped.
AUGUSTA Indeed she did. Lotte was my chancellor of ingredients. And she was most precise, everything according to measure.
Gertrude is gradually growing sicker.
DOKTOR That powdered sugar looks good.
BARON Careful, Max. You don’t want a potbelly.
DOKTOR I don’t care. Madame Garnet, if you don’t mind, I shall be quite boorish and take a little of that powdered sugar.
Gertrude holds out her plate and the Doktor’s fork is going for the sugar . . .
The Doktor pulls back his fork and Gertrude realizes there’s poison in the sugar. She looks at the Doktor.
GERTRUDE (Elegantly.) Excuse me. (She gives her plate to Baron.) Excuse me. (She leans over the back of the sofa and violently throws it all up. The others quickly get out of the way.)
GERTRUDE I guess it didn’t agree with me.
AUGUSTA You have not fooled us, Fraülein Garnet.
Doktor crosses to a lever against the Upstage Left wall and pulls it up. A strong “interrogation” light hits Gertrude on the sofa.)
BARON Mother, let me handle this. Gertrude, you will tell us everything you know about Raina Aldric.
GERTRUDE She’s a great actress.
BARON Tell me more.
GERTRUDE I believe she made a silent film in ‘twenty-six.
BARON (Barks.) Do not be flippant! You have taken me for an idiot, but no more. Your life is in my hands. Raina Aldric has escaped her prison. You have helped her. Who are your confederates?
GERTRUDE (Terrified.) I don’t know what you’re talking about.
AUGUSTA Your friend, Kitty, she knew, didn’t she?
GERTRUDE (Emotionally.) You tell me, since I’m sure you were the last to see her alive.
BARON Where is Raina Aldric now? Tell me the truth!
GERTRUDE (Fighting for composure.) I don’t know where she is. Never met the dame.
DOKTOR Where is Raina Aldric?
GERTRUDE (Assuming a tough facade.) Don’t you guys listen? I told you I know nothing about that old lady. Got my own troubles, and if Goering, Goebbels and Himmler asked me, I’d tell ‘em the same. And get that light out of my eyes. What are you fitting me for, glasses?
AUGUSTA We will be fitting you for a coffin if you do not comply.
GERTRUDE Testy.
BARON Why should you be so loyal to your country? I thought you considered yourself a citizen of the world, Madame Gertrude Garnet (Gar-nay.)
GERTRUDE The name’s Gertie Garnet (In the American pronunciation.) I’m a citizen of Brooklyn, New York.
DOKTOR Brooklyn?
GERTRUDE Yeah, what’s it to you?
BARON This Brooklyn, it will soon be part of the Third Reich.
GERTRUDE (With defiant pride.) Brother, you may take the Maginot Line, but you’ll never take the Canarsie Line.
AUGUSTA Your bravado is quite pathetic.
GERTRUDE I give as good as I get.
DOKTOR You will tell us the truth. I have several medical methods that can be most excruciating.
GERTRUDE All right, I’ll give you some truth. This whole set up in Germany stinks. And your Führer, Herr Hitler, has only one nut to his name.
AUGUSTA (In a rage.) Damn you! Damn you!!!
BARON Mother, control yourself.
AUGUSTA (With mad fervor.) That is a filthy lie. The Führer has two enormous testicles!!
BARON I believe this is time to call in our next subject. Doktor Maximilian, have Karel bring in the young lady.
GERTRUDE Please don’t.
The Doktor pulls down the lever, killing the light. He calls for “Karel!” Karel enters with Heidi and pushes her towards the fireplace. Karel stands behind the sofa.)
BARON Good evening, Miss Mittelhoffer. So happy you could join us. Please answer a few questions, and then we shall release you. Where is Raina Aldric?
HEIDI (Lying very badly.) I know nothing. Please, believe me.
BARON Come, child, do not fear us. We will not harm you. Where have you taken her?
HEIDI I know nothing. Please let me go.
BARON You are guilty of hideous crimes against the Reich. You will tell us everything.
AUGUSTA Let me. (She crosses for a cigar.) Miss Mittelhoffer. Do you mind if I call you Heidi? Pardon my indulgence. There’s nothing I like better than a good after-dinner cigar. So fragrant. So satisfying. (Holds the lit cigar close to Heidi’s face.) Tell me, girl, where is Raina Aldric?
HEIDI Believe me. I don’t know where she is.
AUGUSTA You are very pretty. I can make it so no man will ever love you.
HEIDI (Near hysterics.) Please believe me. I don’t know anything.
(Augusta, frustrated, crosses the stage growling animal-like.)
LOTTE Karel, you’re very quiet. Karel and Miss Mittelhoffer are very old friends. Perhaps Karel will have some influence on her.
KAREL We are mere acquaintances.
LOTTE (Viciously.) That’s not true. I believe they were once sweethearts.
BARON Who is your allegiance to? This tramp or the Führer?
KAREL The Führer, Herr Baron.
BARON Then rip off her blouse. Rip it off, I command you.
(Karel rips off her blouse, revealing her chemise.)
BARON Mother, the whip.
(Augusta gets whip from table and gives it to the Baron.)
BARON Doktor, please escort Mother to the library. Lotte, go to your room. This is not for your eyes.
LOTTE Oh drat, just when the fun starts.
(Augusta and the Doktor exit Upstage Left. Lotte runs u
pstairs and exits.)
BARON (Handing whip to Karel.) Karel, give her five lashes and perhaps her memory will serve her better.
KAREL (Tortured.) Yes, Herr Baron.
GERTRUDE (Rushing to the Baron.) Please! The girl is innocent. She has been told nothing.
BARON Silence!!! Proceed, Karel.
Karel places Heidi’s hands on the mantle of the fireplace to steady her and hesitantly starts to whip her. Each time he hits her the Baron yells, “Harder.” Although she screams at each strike, she is being very brave. On the last one she falls to the floor sobbing. Karel is in a state of shock.)
BARON Once more, tell me, girl, where is Raina Aldric?
HEIDI (With raw, ugly power.) You can all rot in hell!!!
BARON How defiant and most entertaining. I am in the mood for more entertainment. Karel, I would like to see you and this young lady have sexual intercourse. Here, before us. Karel, rape her.
KAREL Please, Baron, do not force me to do this.
BARON You must do this for the Führer.
KAREL I can’t. I won’t! Have you no respect for human life?
BARON Karel, watch yourself.
KAREL (Takes out a gun and points it at the Baron.) No, watch yourself. I though you were a great man. How wrong I was, you are a monster. Heidi, put on your blouse, we’re going.
Lotte enters from upstairs.
BARON Where are you going? You fool, traitor!
LOTTE (Runs down the stairs.) Karel, you’re leaving. You’re leaving together. You can’t do that. You can’t do that! I won’t let you!
KAREL Don’t come any closer!
LOTTE (Feverishly.) I’m the one you desire.
BARON (Aghast.) Lotte, what are you saying?
LOTTE Ravage me, impale me!
KAREL Get out of my way.
LOTTE Fuck me, Karel, fuck me! (Insane.) You don’t want her. I’ll get her out of the way. I’ll kill her for you. This will be the test of my love.
She pulls out a knife and is about to stab Heidi when Karel shoots her and she falls dead.)
KAREL (Drops the gun on the sofa in disgust.) Come, Heidi. They run out the front door.
BARON (With mad vengeance.) The traitors, they will not go far. I shall phone the Gestapo and put an end to this ridiculous love story.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 14
