KAREL Good afternoon, Fraülein Von Elsner. (Turns to leave.)
LOTTE Who were you looking for?
KAREL The Countess. I am to drive her to the beautician in the village. (Looks at slip of paper.) Fritzi’s Chalet of Beauty.
LOTTE Well she changed her mind. She won’t be needing the services of a beautician.
KAREL Thank you, Fraülein, for the information. (Turns to leave.)
LOTTE (Blocks him.) Don’t go, Karel. I want to talk to you.
KAREL Yes, Fraülein.
LOTTE Why don’t you call me Lotte? I’ve asked ya a dozen times.
KAREL It would not be fitting. I am a soldier under your uncle’s command.
LOTTE Screw him. I want you to be my best friend.
KAREL (Nervously.) I am your friend. . . . uh . . . Lotte.
LOTTE (Caressing his chest.) You know, you’re not that much older than me, Karel.
KAREL You’re growing up very fast.
LOTTE (With dead seriousness.) Very fast. I’m bleeding regularly.
KAREL (Trying to be encouraging.) Congratulations.
LOTTE (Perversely flirtatious.) I have a confession. I’ve never seen a man’s weiner. Take it out, I want to see it.
KAREL (Appalled.) No, Lotte.
LOTTE Then give me a kiss.
She kisses him, he wipes it off unconsciously.
LOTTE Why did you do that for?
KAREL What?
LOTTE You wiped off my kiss.
KAREL I didn’t.
LOTTE (Moving into hysteria.) You did. It’s as if I repulsed you. You hate me, don’t you?
KAREL I don’t.
LOTTE You hate and despise me. Well, you’ll be very sorry you wiped off my kiss. (Viciously.) Very sorry indeed!
The Baron and the Doktor enter.
BARON Karel, are you waiting for me, what can I do for you?
KAREL (Panicked.) I was to drive the Countess to the village, but I hear she has changed her mind. If there is nothing else, may I go?
BARON But of course. Heil Hitler.
KAREL Heil Hitler. (Exits.)
BARON (Furious.) Those blundering idiots! How could a sick, old woman be allowed to escape?
DOKTOR That sick old woman has strong allies. Do not worry, Raina Aldric’s friends shall be rounded up and executed.
LOTTE Uncle, I have already done . . .
BARON Death will be too mild. First, in the name of science, they will all be volunteered as subjects for your most extreme medical experiments.
DOKTOR Science must be served.
LOTTE Uncle . . .
DOKTOR Herr Baron, why is this case of such importance to you?
BARON To the liberals, Raina Aldric is a great symbol of artistic conscience. That symbol must be crushed. Art must serve the nation.
DOKTOR But, Herr Baron, who is to judge what is good or bad art?
BARON (Intrigued.) Such questions, Herr Doktor. You are beginning to sound like a liberal.
DOKTOR (Alarmed.) No, Baron, call me anything but not a liberal.
BARON Decent people can judge what is obscene. All of the arts are mired in decadence. And the theatre is the worst. I am sick of effeminate neurotics parading their warped fantasies across our stages.
LOTTE Uncle, listen to me. I have taken care of the little matter you spoke of. One of Raina Aldric’s cohorts has indeed been disposed of.
BARON (Pleased.) Lotte, my little bulldog. You have done well.
He roughhouses with her. She barks like a dog.
BARON Bite the Doktor, bite the Doktor. Sic him, Lotte. Sic him.
She attacks the Doktor like a pit bull.
DOKTOR Lotte, stop!!! Please stop!!!
Gertrude enters from the front door in riding clothes, brandishing a riding crop.
GERTRUDE (Amused by the spectacle.) Oh dear, I knew I should have packed a muzzle.
BARON Liebchen, have you had a brisk canter?
GERTRUDE (Full of vigor.) Bracing, invigorating. Have you seen Kitty? We’re having our hair done together in the village.
BARON I have not seen her.
LOTTE I saw her this morning. She did not seem quite herself.
GERTRUDE (Placing her knee on the back of the sofa jauntily.) Really, in what way?
LOTTE She mentioned something about an albatross around her neck, choking her. What could she have meant?
DOKTOR A most stimulating young woman.
BARON We are going to the beer garden in the village. Care to join us?
GERTRUDE No, thank you, I think I’ll wait for Kitty.
BARON You should not be alone. But, I imagine loneliness is a cloak worn by all artists.
GERTRUDE It would take a special man to strip it off me.
BARON (Tantalized.) Most provocative, Gertrude. Before long I shall find the key to your mysterious nature.
GERTRUDE (Suspicious of his intentions.) The key?
They stare at each other for a beat.
BARON Yes, the key. Till later. Auf wiedersehen, my sweet.
Baron, Doktor, and Lotte exit into library.
GERTRUDE Auf wiedersehen. (She nervously takes the keys from her pocket, checks kitchen door, and tiptoes over to the safe. She swings the portrait open and attempts to open the safe.) Turn three times to zero. Then the opposite way round to twelve and then back to six. (It doesn’t open.) Oh, boy. It must have been left. Round to twelve . . . no, it was six . . .
AUGUSTA (Offstage from kitchen.) No, Elsa I said “sauerbraten for six,” not at six.
Gertrude quickly closes the portrait and puts keys back in her pocket and looks up at portrait as Augusta enters, carrying a large book. She is surprised to see Gertrude.
AUGUSTA Gertrude?
GERTRUDE I can gaze at this portrait for hours. Those eyes, so sensitive and yet so virile.
AUGUSTA (In rapture.) What an honor to serve such a man. My only regret is that I am too old to bear him children.
GERTRUDE There are other forms of volunteer work. Please, don’t let me disturb whatever it was you were doing.
AUGUSTA I was consulting my astrological charts. I find astrology a cruelly neglected science. What is your birthday, Gertrude?
GERTRUDE August twenty-third. The cusp of Leo and Virgo.
AUGUSTA A most revealing horoscope. (Pronounced whore-scope.)
GERTRUDE (Laughs.) That’s horo scope, Baroness.
AUGUSTA (Laughs.) My English. Do forgive.
GERTRUDE Of course.
AUGUSTA I would imagine you are far closer to the lion than the virgin.
GERTRUDE (Catching her drift.) No, I think I’m right in the middle.
AUGUSTA A combination is rather interesting. One could be a ferocious prude or a methodical tramp.
GERTRUDE (Hardboiled to the core.) Enough with the digs. You don’t like me, do you? Why? (She crosses to Augusta confrontationally.)
AUGUSTA (Calmly.) Because you are from a hateful, enemy nation. You are cheap and common, are using my son and embody everything I loathe in the human race.
GERTRUDE (Beat.) Gimme another reason.
AUGUSTA Fraülein Garnet, you are a guest of my son. I am doing my best to be gracious to you and your friend. By the way, where is the Countess?
GERTRUDE (Concerned.) I don’t know but I should like to find her.
AUGUSTA (Going upstairs.) Do not worry. I am sure you will find her shortly, my dear. I suppose she could be almost anywhere. Good day.
Exits—Lotte’s room.
Feeling great anxiety, Gertrude sits on the sofa. She stretches her arms out and flings them down wide on the sofa. Accidentally, she touches Kitty’s scarf tucked behind a pillow. Tense, suspenseful music underscores the rest of the action. Confused, Gertrude picks up the scarf. Determined to get to the bottom of Kitty’s disappearance, she puts down the scarf and crosses to the State Left arch. She calls out “Kitty!” When there’s no response, she crosses Center Stage and looks up to the landing and calls out “Kitty!” Still
no response. Resigned, she slowly crosses to the Down Stage Right door, lost in her thoughts. She opens the door and to her horror, Kitty swings out, hanging from a noose, her face hideously contorted. Gertrude screams. “What have those fiends done to you!” As Kitty continues to swing back and forth, Gertrude runs to the mantle to steady herself. In hysteria, she crosses back to Kitty and then collapses to the floor in a faint as the music builds to a climax and the lights fade quickly to black.
END OF ACT I
ACT TWO
SCENE 1
The Schloss, several hours later. Erik is comforting Gertrude. She suffers beautifully in a luxurious full length velvet dressing gown.
GERTRUDE It was horrible. Her lovely face, so twisted, her eyes bulging.
ERIK Here, take my handkerchief. Where is she now?
(He gives her his handkerchief, she uses it and returns it to him.)
GERTRUDE I must have fainted. When I came to, her body was gone. Thank you for rushing over so quickly. You must think me totally mad.
ERIK I believe every word you’ve said.
GERTRUDE How could they do this? She, who was so kind, so gentle.
ERIK They’ll stop at nothing until the whole world is filled with their evil.
GERTRUDE (Rises from the sofa.) I must see the swami. He’ll make sense of this. He says everything happens because we choose it. I must take comfort in that.
ERIK (Challenging her.) Then Kitty somehow wanted to die?
GERTRUDE (Cries out in confusion.) I don’t know! She couldn’t. No one loved life more than Kitty. Erik, I’m so confused. It’s as if the ribbon that’s kept my world together has untied. You see, Kitty and I fought. She said I was selfish, that I think only of myself . . . and Erik, she was so right. I’ve lived a terrible life and now, now I’m so ashamed.
ERIK I’m sure she would have forgiven you.
GERTRUDE That I shall never know.
ERIK I imagine you’ll be on the next plane.
GERTRUDE No, I’m staying on.
ERIK What do you mean?
GERTRUDE I must avenge Kitty’s death. She was my friend. I must finish the work she died for, saving your mother. The Baron and his henchmen knew of Kitty’s pledge to aid your mother. That’s why they killed her. Raina Aldric must leave Germany alive.
ERIK Then you’re with us?
GERTRUDE If you’ll have me. I’ll cancel my concert at the Festspielhaus. I’ll whip up some excuse, but first I must see the Baron. I’ll have it out with him. Force him to admit they murdered Kitty.
ERIK No, you must pretend you never found Kitty.
GERTRUDE (Aghast.) But Erik . . .
ERIK (Forcefully.) Listen to what I say. You can do us more good if the Baron continues to trust you.
GERTRUDE You’re asking me to pretend I’m in love with him. Aren’t you?
ERIK Yes, I am. It will act as a smokescreen to mask our true plans. Will you do this? Can you do this?
GERTRUDE (Revolted but game.) Yes. You can depend on me. I shall carry out this deception to its very end. Can you ever forgive me for my foolishness? (Tender, romantic music underscores the scene.)
ERIK Of course. You’re so unbelievably beautiful at this moment. The way the sunset catches your face and hair.
GERTRUDE Oh, you mean like this? (Composing her face into an unforgettable image.)
ERIK (With deadpan thoughtfulness.) No, like this (Adjusting the position of her head.) I know it’s madness to feel this way after so short a time and with so much at stake, but I love you, Gertie.
GERTRUDE Please, don’t say it.
ERIK I love you. From the first moment I met you.
GERTRUDE (Tenderly.) I believe you, and the strange thing is, I feel the same. For the first time, something has burst inside me and I feel what the poets call love. But do I trust it?
ERIK You must and you will.
GERTRUDE (Tremulously.) Erik, hold my hands.
ERIK Really? I know how you feel about your hands.
GERTRUDE It doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Today, we all need as much tenderness as we can find. (She takes his hands.) Hold my hands like any American boy would do with his girl. They won’t win, will they, darling, the Nazis?
ERIK (With inspiring fervor.) We won’t let ‘em. God is on our side. Yeah, he’s a regular Joe who won’t let the bad guys get away with just a kick in the pants. You’ll see, this time the krauts will be smashed to smithereens forever.
GERTRUDE And will we be fighting alone?
ERIK No, ma’am. All of Europe will join together. Uncle Sam’ll come in swinging, and Russia too. Sure, the Nazis fooled ‘em for awhile, but they’ve wised up. I met Joe Stalin once, at a seminar in Moscow. He wasn’t so bad. Believe me, kiddo, he won’t let old Schickelgruber into his backyard.
GERTRUDE I love hearing you talk this way.
ERIK I love holding you this way. (He gently kisses her.)
GERTRUDE Darling, we have so little time. Do you see that portrait? Behind it lies a safe. This morning, Kit . . . Kitty and I opened it and found the keys to all the rooms in the house.
ERIK Good going.
GERTRUDE Unfortunately, when I tried to return them, I forgot the combination. I’m terrified the Baron will notice the keys are missing . . .
ERIK We can only hope he doesn’t go near the safe for (Looks at his watch.) the next six hours. Let’s fetch Mother from the catacombs.
GERTRUDE I’ve seen to that already. I’ve hidden your mother and Heidi in the butler’s pantry.
ERIK You’re a genius.
GERTRUDE (Radiantly.) Go to her, darling.
ERIK Mother on the other side of that door. It’s been so many years since I’ve seen her. I’ve got the willies.
Heidi wheels Raina in from the kitchen.
RAINA Erik?
ERIK Mother?
RAINA My darling. (They embrace.) I thought I’d never see you again. Look at you, so big, so handsome. You were a little boy when last I saw you.
ERIK From now on, you’ll never be alone.
RAINA My heart can’t take such happiness. My dear, too many years have been wasted. Perhaps it was wrong of me to pursue the career I did, traveling around the world.
ERIK You’re a great artist.
RAINA Yes, but I had a child. You must believe me, I wanted to take you with me, but your father, the son of a bitch, he thought it best that you grow up in a more normal, stable household. You don’t hate me?
ERIK Hate you? I worship you.
HEIDI Come, we best hurry.
RAINA Where do we go now?
GERTRUDE Erik, you and Heidi leave. I’ll take care of your mother for the few hours until the car arrives at midnight.
HEIDI But I couldn’t possibly leave her.
RAINA Heidi, darling, you must do what Madame Garnet says. She knows best.
HEIDI (Near hysterics.) But what if she has another attack, or starts to shake, or falls into a coma, or what if she . . .
RAINA Heidi—
HEIDI Yes, ma’am.
GERTRUDE I’ll bring Madame Aldric upstairs to the attic. There is to be a supper party tonight and that should divert attention.
ERIK It’s like you’re a different woman.
GERTRUDE I am a different woman. (With a swift gesture, she lifts Erik’s coat and hat off the back of the sofa.) Come, hurry.
ERIK Mother, this shall be our last goodbye for a long time.
RAINA God bless you.
They kiss.
HEIDI Goodbye, Madame Aldric.
GERTRUDE Godspeed.
She gives coat and hat to Erik. He kisses her on the cheek. He and Heidi exit.
RAINA He loves you, Madame Garnet.
GERTRUDE (Embarrassed.) Oh.
RAINA And you love him.
GERTRUDE Oh.
RAINA You’re blushing.
Gertrude, blushing, makes a raspberry sound and puts her face against the wall.
RAINA I’m a worldly woman. I know a gre
at deal about love, particularly how to squander it.
GERTRUDE We hardly know each other. What we may say now, in a moment of . . .
RAINA It can happen in an instant. Two people meet and their past and future are one. Don’t end up like me, old, sick, alone. Look at this face, look at it. There’s a lot of mileage on this puss. Every role I played, every dirty dressing room, every mile I traveled is etched on this map. Look at it, my girl, this could be you.
GERTRUDE (Horrified.) No! No!
They hear Lotte barking from salon.
GERTRUDE Oh my God, someone’s coming. Hide behind the sofa.
RAINA But I can’t.
GERTRUDE Get down. (She pushes her out of the wheelchair and behind the sofa. The Downstage Right door to the salon opens, obscuring Gertrude as she pushes the wheelchair out the swinging kitchen door.)
LOTTE (As she enters from the salon followed by the Baron.) I hate her. I hate her.
BARON (Follows Lotte.) But, Lotte, you will learn to love Madame—(Turns as Gertrude shuts salon door.) . . . Ah, Gertrude! Are you alone in here? I thought I heard voices.
LOTTE There were two female voices, Uncle.
GERTRUDE I suppose I’ll have to confess. I’ve been involved in a top secret project.
BARON Indeed?
GERTRUDE (Madly improvising.) I’m composing an opera. I was acting out all the roles. It’s a very contemporary opera.
LOTTE She’s lying. Don’t believe her.
BARON Lotte, that was ill-mannered. Apologize to Madame Garnet.
LOTTE (Crosses to her.) I love stories. Tell us the story of your opera.
GERTRUDE Never you mind. It’s very sophisticated, and I wouldn’t want your hormones to go haywire. You’re liable to wake up in the morning, full breasted and with a moustache. No, I’m dreadfully tired. I think I’ll lie down here for awhile.
BARON Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in your own room?
LOTTE (Very bitchy.) Uncle, I think Madame Garnet would like to be alone in this room. It’s so dusty! That new servant girl is so incompetent. Let me do a quick cleanup of the entire room.
GERTRUDE (Rushing to Lotte.) No! It was rude of me not telling you the story of my opera. Let’s see. I’ll act out the whole thing for you. Lotte, you sit over here. (She pushes Lotte down on the sofa with such force that Lotte’s skirt flies up reducing Lotte to a flurry of pink petticoats. To Baron.) And you, darling, you sit over here. Nice and comfy. (She gently seats him also on the sofa.) This shall be the stage. (She indicated the Downstage area.)
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 13
