The Night Off

by Meghan O'Brien

  She was glad Janis couldn’t see her face. Red eyes, tear-streaked, with her bottom lip quivering uncontrollably, she knew she looked pathetic. Ridiculous. Heartbroken. In other words, exactly how she felt. “Yeah, I love her. Doesn’t look like she feels the same way, though.”

  “Well, then she’s a fool. That’s the only explanation for letting someone like you go.” Janis’s hand, which had been rubbing her back, stilled suddenly. “Was she upset about you being an escort? Is that why you’ve decided to change jobs?”

  “No, she wasn’t upset. In fact, she was unhappy that I was planning to. She thought I might be doing it because of her, and apparently that smacked of taking our relationship too far, too fast.” Nat pulled away, taking deep, regular breaths in an effort to calm down. “I’ve wanted to be a chef for a while now, but I didn’t think I was ready. Meeting Emily gave me the push I needed to try. But she didn’t like hearing that.” She fell silent, anger building as she thought back on their conversation the night before. “Anyway, what’s the big deal about not wanting to fuck other women? It’s not like I asked her to marry me.”

  “I’ll say it again, she’s a fool.” Janis patted her knee sympathetically. “So her name is Emily? Where did you meet her?”

  Nat cringed. “Technically, you introduced us. Her last name is Parker. Abduction fantasy. You met her when she came in for her client evaluation.”

  Gasping, Janis brought her hand to her chest. “Oh! I knew you were going to like that one.”

  “Yeah, I did. Very much. And then it got…complicated.”

  “So she broke up with you because you decided to become a chef?” Janis frowned. “Why?”

  “It wasn’t just that. Honestly, she told me from the start that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She’s raising her younger sister, she’s busy, she’s scared…” Nat shrugged, trying to act less affected than she was. “I think the last straw was when her sister walked in on us when we were in a…delicate situation. Her sister freaked, and then Emily freaked. The job interview just gave her the excuse she was already looking for, I think.”

  “That does sound complicated.”

  Chin trembling at Janis’s obvious sympathy, Nat swallowed back the angry words that sat on the tip of her tongue. Then she spit them out. “And then Emily has the gall to suggest that maybe we can still meet for appointments. You know, something impersonal. Something that won’t threaten to upset the neat order of her life. Because obviously a whore like me can just turn off her feelings and fuck, right?”

  “Nat, sweetheart…”

  Shaking her head, Nat exhaled harshly. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll get over it.” Even as she said the words, she didn’t believe them. “It wasn’t meant to be.”

  “You don’t sound so sure of that.”

  Nat nodded, then cursed as she dissolved into fresh tears. “That’s because I’m not.”

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Emily tried not to let her gaze stray to the time displayed in the lower right corner of her computer monitor, content to pretend that it wasn’t already six o’clock in the evening. That was hard to do when the office was so eerily silent, the regular hum of productivity having quieted an hour ago. Only her boss Denny remained, but he would also leave soon. He had a seven-year-old son, so despite his workaholic tendencies, he never stayed too terribly late. She used to be the same way, mostly, but since the break-up with Nat and the new distance between her and Colleen, she no longer had any reason to rush home. Her loneliness only intensified when she wasn’t keeping busy with work.

  A knock on her door startled her into awareness. Denny held onto the doorframe with a sheepish smile on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

  “I’m fine,” Emily said automatically. That was her standard response to everyone. She was always fine—even when she really, really wasn’t. “Heading home?”

  “In a few minutes.” Denny stepped inside her office, holding up a ledger she’d worked on that morning for one of their biggest clients. “Emily, is everything okay?”

  Emily swallowed as her throat went dry. She wasn’t sure why he was asking, but it couldn’t be good. “Of course. What do you mean?”

  “Well, I just caught a transposition error. And a reversal of entries.”

  Heat crept up her face. Two mistakes? She usually double-checked her work, so she couldn’t remember the last time she’d let even one error slip through. “I am so sorry.”

  “No worries, mistakes happen. That said, they don’t usually happen to you.” Denny held the ledger against his chest, clearly nervous about the conversation he had initiated. “I’ve noticed that you’ve seemed a little…distracted lately. So I thought I’d ask.”

  Emily tensed at Denny’s tentative attempt to get her to open up. He was a nice man, with sandy-brown hair that was graying at the temples and glasses that made him look both handsome and intellectual. From the way he talked about his son, he seemed like a good father. She had mused once or twice about how her life would have been different with a dad like him, but they’d never had a personal conversation before, despite his general air of kindness.

  “I’m fine. Just…some stuff going on at home.” Emily folded her hands on her desk to stop them from shaking. She hated talking about herself with co-workers, even the ones she genuinely liked and respected. “I promise I won’t let it interfere with my work again.”

  “I’m not trying to reprimand you. Or pry.” Denny stepped closer to her desk, seeming to gain a little confidence. “You’re excellent at your job, Emily. We’re lucky to have you. I just want you to know that if something is bothering you, if you need to talk, I’m a pretty good listener. And…I hope I’m not overreaching.” He exhaled as his nerves visibly resurfaced. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just figured…if I could do something to help. If you need some time off, or whatever…Just let me know.”

  Time off was the last thing she needed. Work was the only thing keeping her mind off the mess she’d made of her life. Still, Denny was obviously trying to be helpful. She forced a smile. “I really do appreciate that, but it’s not necessary. My younger sister and I had an argument, and it’s been weighing on me. I’m her legal guardian, so the occasional major clash sort of comes with the territory, I guess.”

  Denny’s gaze softened. “Being a parent isn’t easy. How old is she?”

  “Eighteen. Leaving for college soon.”

  “How long have you had custody of her?” Seemingly emboldened by her willingness to open up, he rested the ledger casually against the chair on the other side of her desk.

  Never having had a conversation like this at the office, Emily wasn’t entirely sure how much she should say. She absolutely, wholeheartedly did not want to over-share. But they were both just people, it was after hours, and it felt damn good to talk to someone who wasn’t upset with her. “Since she was twelve. It took me a year after our parents died to get her out of the foster-care system. First I had to turn eighteen, and then I had to prove I could care for her.”

  “Wow. Eighteen?” Denny looked at her with new respect. “I don’t know how you did it. I mean, I know she wasn’t a baby or anything, but when I became a father at thirty-five, I worried that I wasn’t possibly mature enough to take care of another human being. When I was eighteen…I was in college, drinking beer and chasing girls.”

  Emily always felt jealous when people spoke about college as a time of freedom, fun, and personal growth. Those had been the hardest years of her life. “I took most of my college classes online and studied at night when Colleen was asleep. I worked during the day, when she was in school.” Embarrassed by the growing sympathy in Denny’s eyes, she shrugged. “It was worth it. The alternative was foster care. I only spent a couple months in a foster home, but it was enough to know that Colleen was better off with me.”

  Denny exhaled and shook his head. “I already knew you were an impressive accountant. Now it turns out you�
�re an all-around impressive human being. I’m not sure I could have done all that.”

  Emily waved him off. “I did what I had to.” Not taking care of Colleen had never been a real option. “Anyway, I appreciate your concern, but we’ll be okay. We’re sisters. She can’t stay mad at me forever.”

  “Pretty soon she’ll realize what you sacrificed for her. I’m sure she’ll always be grateful, once she’s grown up enough to understand.”

  She would be lying if she denied hoping that was true. Since Colleen was born, she’d done everything possible to give her the childhood, and then the adolescence, that she’d never had. She didn’t want Colleen to have to worry about what they would eat, or where they would sleep, or how to pay bills with parents who spent all their cash on heroin. Every sacrifice was worth it if it meant Colleen’s biggest worries could be grades, boys, and getting into college. She felt like she’d mostly succeeded on that front, even if Colleen had rewarded her with some questionable behavior. Unfortunately, she was starting to understand that the cost of Colleen’s happiness was her own youth and joy.

  Somewhere along the way, sacrificing for Colleen had become second nature to the point where it didn’t seem to matter that her sister wasn’t a child anymore. Emily had just destroyed her first real opportunity to love someone because it took time away from Colleen and because catching them together had upset Colleen so badly. Naturally she wanted Colleen to appreciate how much she had sacrificed to make her happy—including Nat.

  To be fair, her fear of investing her emotions in something she couldn’t control had also played a large part in the way she’d sabotaged things with Nat. She’d figured that worrying about Colleen was exhausting enough. Being in a romantic relationship would stretch her already strained mental and emotional resources to the breaking point, especially once the honeymoon phase wore off.

  Emily tightened her hands into fists. Although she kept telling herself that losing Nat made things easier, clearly that wasn’t true at all. Nothing felt easy anymore. Nat had insinuated herself into her life with startling ease, and although she’d only had their regular phone calls for a few weeks, she missed knowing Nat would be there when she needed to talk. Or when she needed to feel another person’s heartbeat pounding against her chest.

  Denny cleared his throat, breaking her out of her introspection. “Well, try to do something nice for yourself. Take it easy.” Sheepish, he bobbled the ledger in his hands. “After Seth was born, my wife was so focused on taking care of the baby that she forgot to ever do anything for herself. She went on that way for months, until one night I came home to find her sitting on the kitchen floor, crying, with a burned pot roast on the counter above her. After that I instituted a mandatory four-hour time-off break for her on Wednesday and Sunday evenings. Having permission to focus on her own needs every once in a while seemed to make all the difference in the world.”

  Emily gave him a rueful smile. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  “Anyway. If you do decide you want that day off, let me know. You’ve certainly earned it.” Denny tapped the corner of the ledger on her desk. “I’m heading out. You should, too.”

  “I will.” Emily nodded at her monitor. “Right after I double-check the expense report I just prepared.”

  Denny grinned. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Drive safe.”

  “Thanks.” She watched Denny’s back as he walked away, relaxing only when he exited the office through the big glass doors. Finally alone, she fought back her embarrassment as she reviewed their conversation in her head.

  Though it was true that her argument with Colleen humiliated and upset her, it was the breakup with Nat that had really shattered her world. She could hardly think of anything else. Even the awkwardness of living with someone who thought she was a deviant somehow wasn’t as bad as not having Nat’s warm presence to come home to—whether it was her voice or her body. Colleen would forgive her eventually, but Nat would disappear, receding into her memories as the ultimate what-if. Nat would be the regret to haunt her for the rest of her life.

  Emily leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. If she hadn’t pushed Nat away, maybe that would have been her regret. Raising Colleen until she was eighteen, then promptly alienating her with her choice of a sex partner—how could she feel good about that? Of course, she’d feel worse if Nat was only just a sex partner. And she clearly wasn’t.

  That was precisely why her “I’ll just hire you to fuck me” suggestion had been so colossally, stupidly bad. So hurtful. So destructive. So precisely the opposite of doing something for herself and focusing on her own needs.

  So typical.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  When Emily got home from work at eight o’clock that night, she was surprised to find Colleen waiting in her regular spot on the couch. Since their blowup a week and a half ago, Colleen had spent almost all her time at home locked in her room. They’d spoken no more than necessary. The friendship Emily had been so excited about after her coming out had simply vanished. Although she knew that the tension would eventually blow over and Colleen would forgive her, she hadn’t expected it to happen anytime soon.

  Yet Colleen greeted her with a tentative smile. “Hey, Em. Are you hungry? I ordered Chinese. It should be here in about ten minutes.”

  She couldn’t even think about food. Her stomach had been in constant turmoil since Nat hung up on her the night they last spoke. “No, thanks. I’m not feeling well.”

  Colleen’s smile faded. “Well, do you want to watch TV with me while I eat? You can pick the show. I’ll even watch The Golden Girls or one of those other ridiculous eighties sitcoms you love so much.”

  Apparently she’d been forgiven. Instead of the relief she had thought she’d feel, anger bubbled up in her chest. Now that she’d gotten her way and Nat was gone, Colleen was ready to make nice. Meanwhile Emily was miserable and alone. Trying hard not to lash out, she walked past the couch without meeting Colleen’s worried gaze. “Honestly, I’m tired. I may go straight to bed.”

  “Wait.”

  Emily stopped. As mad as she was, she couldn’t walk away. With her back to Colleen, she said, “What?”

  “Emily, look at me.”

  Irritated, she turned and stared Colleen down. “What?”

  Colleen shrugged, as though she were both embarrassed and annoyed by what she was about to say. “I’m sorry.”

  Tears stung Emily’s eyes. “Just like that?”

  “Cut me some slack, Em.” Colleen came up on her knees, turning to peer over the back of the couch. “It scared the hell out of me to come home and hear what sounded like someone beating you. When I heard you crying out, I went into this kind of trance. I’ve never been so terrified in my entire life, but I grabbed that knife and I was ready to kill whoever was attacking you.” She paused, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t know you were sleeping with anyone. You’ve never let on that you’re anything but the world’s most boring lesbian. So it didn’t occur to me that I might be interrupting something consensual. Not only because it sounded violent, but because that looked like a man on top of you. I thought your life was in danger. I really did. I thought…” She shuddered. “It doesn’t matter. The point is that I was really, honestly afraid. So maybe I overreacted a little once I realized you were okay. I shouldn’t have shoved you…or said what I said. So I’m sorry about that. I am.”

  “I’m sorry, too, that you were scared.” Emily had placed herself in Colleen’s shoes more than once since that night. If she’d walked into the apartment and overheard the same thing, she would’ve also burst into Colleen’s bedroom with a knife. That part was understandable. So was Colleen’s embarrassment and anger when she realized that Emily’s life had never actually been threatened. “I understand why you got upset. You had no reason to think I would choose to do that with someone. I wish you still didn’t, honestly.”

  “Me too.” Colleen twirled a lock of blond hair around her finger. “Kaysi told me I was being too j
udgmental. That people like different things, and as long as two adults agree on what they want, and nobody gets seriously hurt, it’s really nobody else’s business. She also said she likes it when her boyfriend smacks her ass in bed, and that it’s not as fucked up as I think.” Blushing, she said, “Then she Googled erotic spanking and showed me how many millions of search results come up. So I guess she’s right. Maybe I’m the fucked-up one.”

  Emily softened at the humiliation in Colleen’s expression. “You’re not fucked up. That stuff’s not for everyone.”

  Colleen looked down at her hands. “Yeah. So anyway, I’m sorry about what I said that night. About you being disgusting and stuff. I…didn’t mean it.”

  Disgusting was the least of the insults Colleen slung that night. One thing had bothered her more than the rest. “You said a lot more than that.”

  Colleen lifted her gaze. “Like what?”

  “About Nat. You called her a dyke. Twice.”

  “You know I’m not homophobic.” Straightening in defiance, Colleen narrowed her eyes. “I don’t have a problem with you being a lesbian. I was just upset.”

  “I know you were upset, and I understand, but that was really out of line and hurtful. You were out of control.” As much as she appreciated that Colleen had initiated an apology, she wanted to make damn sure she understood the implications of her actions. “We were all embarrassed about the situation, but your reaction turned an awkward moment into a complete nightmare. It was unacceptable.”

  “Fine. It was unacceptable.” Colleen started to roll her eyes, then stopped. Sighing, she studied the fabric beneath her hands. “Look, I don’t want to get into a whole discussion about this, but I…” Her voice broke, and she cleared her throat. “There was a man in my last foster home. He was an asshole. He got angry a lot, he was abusive, and sometimes he said and did things that…made me very uncomfortable. When I walked in and saw you guys that night, it just sort of took me back there. And I freaked. I know I said some horrible things, and maybe I even meant some of them at the time, but all I can say now is that I’m sorry. I was there, but I wasn’t there. Part of me was somewhere else. You know?”