Colleen’s revelation knocked the wind out of her. It confirmed something she’d always suspected but had never known for sure. Post-foster-care Colleen had been a different girl than the eleven-year-old she’d lost to the system while she fought for custody. Only a year had passed, but there had been a definite shift. Of course Emily had asked her about it, but Colleen refused to talk about her time in her foster home. That’s why she’d gotten Colleen into therapy as soon as she could afford it—almost two years later.
Two years, her baby sister had suffered with the repercussions of abuse alone. And that was assuming that she had ever chosen to discuss this with her therapist.
Emily struggled to swallow. “Colleen—”
“I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay.” Numb, Emily walked to the sofa and sat down. She still wasn’t interested in TV night and Chinese, but her legs were shaking too badly to keep standing. If Colleen didn’t want to discuss it, she wouldn’t force her. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to know. Still, she hated the thought that Colleen had been keeping such a terrible secret. “Did you tell your therapist?”
“I did. And I’m fine.” Colleen played with her hair. “It was just…that night, the memories were intense. And the fear that I might lose you was very real. When I realized that you’d willingly put yourself in that situation, that I’d been terrified for nothing, I snapped.” She fell silent, giving Emily a tentative look. “Plus I had a really bad night before I even got home. Flashing back to that man pushed me over the edge. But still, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have called your friend a dyke. I knew it would hurt both of you and that’s exactly why I said it.”
Just like that, the last of Emily’s resentment dissolved. Guilt took its place. She pulled Colleen into a tight hug. “No, I’m sorry.”
Colleen grabbed her shoulders. “Stop.” Drawing back, she stared at Emily with gravity beyond her years. “This is why I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault, because it wasn’t. Nothing that happened to us was your fault. You were seventeen, with no full-time job and no way to take care of a little kid. There was nothing you could’ve done that you didn’t do. I always knew that. So it took a little while for you to get me back. Some siblings wouldn’t have even tried.”
Tears spilled onto Emily’s cheeks. “I just wish I could’ve spared you from that.”
“Blame Mom and Dad.” Colleen flashed her best gallows-humor grin. “I always have.”
Emily nodded, then retreated to her side of the couch. With her anger gone, she wasn’t sure how to feel. Self-recrimination was a no-brainer, considering what Colleen had just revealed. Flattered, that Colleen had finally trusted her enough to tell her. Frustrated, because she’d pushed Nat away for reasons that seemed less and less important now that she and Colleen were talking again. So many emotions swirled around inside her, threatening to explode.
“Are you okay?” Colleen nudged her with a sock-covered foot. “I didn’t tell you that to upset you. I wanted you to know that I wasn’t being an asshole that night just for the hell of it.”
“I know you weren’t.” Emily released a shaky breath. “And I don’t know how I am.”
“Em—” The doorbell rang. Colleen held out her hand in a silent plea for Emily not to get up. “This will only take a second. Don’t go anywhere.”
“All right.” Emily closed her eyes, resting her head against the couch cushion while Colleen paid the delivery boy. She wanted to crawl in bed and stay there forever. Now that she knew exactly how her encounter with Nat had impacted Colleen, she felt lower than low. And still, what she craved more than anything was a simple phone call with Nat or, better yet, being held in her strong arms. It was the only thing that she knew would ease the pain in her chest.
Colleen touched her arm. “Em.”
Startled, Emily sat up. “I was just resting my eyes.”
“Looked more like you were upset.” Ignoring the cartons of food on the coffee table, Colleen sat cross-legged on the couch and searched her face. “Please don’t be sad. I told you I’m fine now.”
“It’s not that.” Emily hesitated, then admitted, “Well, not entirely.”
“Then what?”
“I’m just…tired.”
“No, you’re sad,” Colleen said. “It’s obvious. You’ve been moping around here for days. I was hoping that apologizing would help.”
“It does.”
Colleen tilted her head. “But something else is wrong?”
She met Colleen’s eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Colleen nodded. She turned to the coffee table and opened the container of lemon chicken with a happy sigh. Never having had enough patience for chopsticks, she grabbed a fork and shoveled a bite into her mouth. Unladylike as ever. Without tearing her attention away from her food, Colleen said, “So your friend? Nat?”
“What about her?” As hard as she tried to keep her voice even, she knew she sounded upset and defensive. With effort, she relaxed her shoulders.
“Are you dating her? I mean, is she your girlfriend or something?”
“No.” Emily paused, fighting to bring her rising emotion under control. “I’m not seeing her anymore.”
“Oh.” Colleen chewed in silence, then gave her a sidelong glance. “Was it because of what happened that night? ’Cause she seemed like more than just a fuck buddy. The way she defended you and everything.”
A fresh tear escaped from Emily’s eye and tracked its way down her cheek. She wiped it away with a casualness she didn’t feel. “It’s complicated. That’s all.”
“Complicated how?” Colleen stopped chewing. “Wait, did Nat end it, or did you?”
Emily didn’t respond. The answer was too complex to boil down. She’d used her obligation to Colleen as her main justification for running away, but honestly, her flight response was more about her own fear than anything. Nat had been willing to take whatever she could give, as long as their relationship meant something. Colleen had been the most convenient excuse for why she had nothing to offer, but she wasn’t the real reason Emily had run away. If she’d truly wanted to make things work with Nat, Colleen’s initial impression of her girlfriend wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker. If she had been brave enough to take a chance on another person, she would never have given up fighting to make it work—just like she’d never given up on taking care of Colleen.
Growing visibly upset, Colleen said, “Did she break up with you because of me?”
“No, it wasn’t like that.” Emily struggled with how to explain her relationship with Nat without admitting that it had started as sex with a stranger that took an unexpected detour into genuine attraction. But she didn’t want Colleen to worry that she’d ruined a long-term relationship when Emily had been avoiding making a commitment from the start. “She knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious. That I have too much going on to devote time to a girlfriend.”
“Like what? You barely leave the house except to go to work.” Colleen’s eyes narrowed. “Wait, you mean me?”
“Well, you’re part of it, obviously.”
“Why is that obvious? It’s not like I’m a little girl anymore. You don’t exactly need to be home to supervise me every second.” In a huff, Colleen shoveled a bite of chicken in her mouth and chewed angrily. “Don’t blame your lonely spinsterhood on me.”
Emily flinched at the harsh words. “I’m not. But I’ve taken care of you since the day you were born, and now you’re getting ready to leave for college. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend as much time as possible with you while you’re still living with me. That doesn’t mean I blame you for the fact that I’m single.”
“Whatever. I’m not saying I think you should date that proto-butch or anything, but it’s pretty lame to act like I’m the one keeping you from doing so.”
Even though she’d just come to a similar conclusion, Emily was rankled by Colleen’s obvious irritation
. It wasn’t as though raising a teenager made it easy to date. Losing her tenuous hold on her control, she lashed out. “You don’t think you make dating more difficult for me? The one night I tried to go out to dinner with Nat, I came home to find you passed out drunk on the couch. And then when I finally had a night to myself and invited her to our place, you burst in unexpectedly because you’d lied to me about where you were going to be. Why wouldn’t I feel like you’re a legitimate complication in my life? I’ve sacrificed everything for you. Why not a relationship, too?”
Colleen set down her fork and pushed her food away. Then she sat back on the couch, folding her arms over her stomach. Tears streamed from her eyes as Emily watched in silent horror. “I never asked you to sacrifice everything for me.”
Emily winced. She never should have thrown that in Colleen’s face. Even if she was angry, it wasn’t Colleen’s fault. “No, you’re right. You didn’t. And you didn’t have to. I wanted to.”
“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want you to be alone.” Colleen scrubbed away her tears without looking at her. “Haven’t you been listening to me? I really am worried about what will happen to you when I go to school. Don’t you think I realize that you pretty much live for me? How do you think that makes me feel about growing up and leaving?” Colleen finally met her eyes. “Honestly, that’s why I’ve been such a bitch lately. I guess I thought it might make you not miss me as much when I’m gone.”
Snorting, Emily murmured, “No matter how obnoxious you are, I’ll still miss you.”
“Yeah, I kind of know that.” Colleen picked at the knee of her pajama pants. “Seriously, I hate the thought that you might honestly believe you can’t have a girlfriend because of me. If you had someone—and I’m not saying it has to be Nat, mind you—but if you had someone, then at least you wouldn’t be so lonely. You’d have someone else to look after.”
“I’m not sure that’s what I want.”
“Well, someone to look after you, then.”
Emily smiled at the memory of Nat making her the crepe for breakfast. When’s the last time someone took care of you? If that’s all there was to being in a relationship, it would be easy to buy into Nat’s vision of them together. Unfortunately, she wasn’t naïve enough to think that the shine of new love wouldn’t eventually wear off. At the end of the day, her life was far from exciting, and Colleen would always be an essential part of it, no matter how old she was or where she lived. Considering where she’d come from, she felt like she was doing well on her own. Did she really want to give someone else the power to determine something as fundamental as her happiness?
She snorted quietly. Like she hadn’t already. It had been almost two weeks since she’d spoken to Nat, and she hadn’t felt genuinely happy even once in that time. Surely the pain would lessen eventually, but she wasn’t certain her regret would. She nudged Colleen’s foot with her own. “You’re right. It’s not your fault that I don’t have someone. It’s mine. I’m scared to death at the thought of being in a relationship.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to fall in love with someone only to have her disappoint me.” Emily swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m not used to depending on anyone but myself. I’m used to being in control. The idea of giving my heart to someone—with no way to stop her from stomping on it if she wants—terrifies me.”
“You think Nat will stomp on your heart?” Colleen tried and failed to suppress a giggle. “I mean, she did stomp on your ass pretty good. But you seemed to enjoy that.”
“Shut up.” Face burning, Emily said, “I think Nat would treat me like a queen—at least at first. It’s what happens when she realizes what a boring control freak I really am that worries me. It’s not that I think she’ll treat me badly. Just that she’ll leave at some point, and then I’ll have to start all over again. But with a broken heart.”
“Oh my God, that’s depressing.” Colleen came up on her knees, reaching to smack Emily’s thigh. “Snap out of it! Are you seriously telling me that you’re choosing to be sad and mopey because if you tried to be happy, maybe it wouldn’t work out? What are you so afraid of? Obviously it’s not being alone, or sad and mopey. You already are.”
Emily screwed up her face in what she feared was a hopeless battle not to lose her composure. Colleen was blunt, but she was also right. “I know. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“It really doesn’t.” Colleen’s expression softened. “You’ve always been the best sister—and the best mother—so I know you would be an incredible girlfriend, too. Nat, or whoever, would be stupid to let you go. The right woman won’t.” She smirked. “No matter how boring and controlling you can be.”
Emily wasn’t sure what surprised her more: Colleen’s kind words or that she sounded like she genuinely believed in true romance. “The right woman, huh? You think there’s someone out there for everyone?”
“I think there’s someone for you.”
“Oh, my. Can it be that I actually managed to raise a starry-eyed optimist?”
“No, you raised someone who believes there are people in this world who will love you so much they would do anything for you.” Colleen’s nostrils flared as she struggled to hold back what appeared to be a crushing wave of emotion. “And I don’t believe that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. Why would I?”
Colleen’s heartfelt words left Emily caught between laughter and tears. To hear such hope and youthful idealism from Colleen made every moment of struggle, every sacrifice, worthwhile. From the day Colleen was born, all Emily had ever wanted was to give her what she’d never had. Apparently this was what success looked like.
Hoping to capitalize on Colleen’s obvious moment of gratitude, Emily said, “Please tell me where you were the night you were supposed to stay on campus. I promise to try and not get upset about whatever you tell me. I just want to know. You said you had a really bad night so I need to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” Colleen took a deep breath, then threw her hands in the air as though admitting defeat. “Remember Jason Komanski?”
“Of course. The boy you dated last year, who took you to his senior prom?”
“He lives on campus. I was supposed to crash in his room after this party at the frat he’s pledging—except he spent the entire time we were there talking to this slut in a permanent state of nip slip. Meanwhile one of his frat buddies was being drunk and obnoxious and grabby, and Jason didn’t even bother to stop talking to that bitch to tell him to back off. So I left.” Colleen folded her arms over her chest in her classic defensive posture. “I didn’t have anything to drink, I swear. I wasn’t ready for another hangover.”
“All right. I believe you.” Though her instincts screamed at her to lecture Colleen about the dangers of frat parties, it wasn’t the right move at that moment. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Yeah.” Colleen snorted under her breath. “It’s embarrassing. I slept with him after prom last year, and even that wasn’t enough to keep him interested.”
Emily closed her eyes. She wished she hadn’t just heard that. “Guess we’re even on things we don’t want to know about each other.”
“Guess so.” The amusement in Colleen’s voice told her that she’d chosen to make that disclosure on purpose. “We were safe, by the way.”
“Good to know. Still traumatized.” Finally opening her eyes, Emily couldn’t help but return Colleen’s smile. “You know, he’s an idiot. And you’re way too good for him.”
“Yeah, that’s what Kaysi said, too.”
“I always knew I liked that girl.” Emily frowned as a thought occurred to her. “Wait, I thought you and Kaysi had fallen out?”
Colleen’s expression turned sheepish. “Our fight was about me spending the night with Jason. She thought I was an idiot for going up there and rewarding him with sex since he pretty much never texts me anymore. When he pulled that shit at the party, I couldn’t exactly stay mad at her for being
right. Luckily, she forgave me for the way I lost my shit with her when she tried to warn me. She understood. The beauty of unconditional friendship, I guess.”
“I guess.” Emily had never had unconditional friendship before—probably because she’d always told herself that she had no time for that, either. In just a few weeks, Nat was the closest she’d ever come to having a real friend. Unfortunately, she didn’t know whether Nat would so easily forgive her if she worked up the nerve to apologize.
And she wasn’t certain she was brave enough to find out.
Sighing, Emily picked up a pair of chopsticks from the coffee table. She still wasn’t hungry, but she had to eat at some point. “Hey, Colleen?”
“Yeah?” Colleen offered her the container, watching as she captured a piece of chicken between her chopsticks. “Show-off.”
“Let’s make a deal. No more lying. You’re eighteen years old, and you’re right—you are growing up. So if I promise to treat you like the young adult you are, will you promise to act like one? That means trusting me not to be unreasonable or to overreact when you tell me what’s going on in your life.” Emily paused. On a night of confessions, it only seemed right to admit her deepest fear. “I don’t want to lose touch with you just because you don’t live with me anymore. I know I’m not your mother, but the way I feel about you, I may as well be. I would hate for you to become a stranger now that you don’t have to listen to me anymore.”
“I’d never let that happen. I have always and will always need you in my life, even if we do argue sometimes. And I promise—no more lying.” Colleen met her gaze. “Now will you promise me something?”
The Night Off Page 22
