Emily hesitated, then said, “Sure.”
“Promise me you’ll call Nat and ask her if she wants to try again.”
Chapter Twenty-three
It wasn’t that easy, of course.
If she had simply told Nat she didn’t have time to date, that would be one thing. She could call, tell her she’d reconsidered, and as it turned out, she could make time in her schedule to fall in love. But she’d done something so much more cowardly than that. She’d selfishly turned Nat’s good news into a deal-breaker. Then she’d suggested that things would be so much simpler if only they could go back to playing high-priced escort and loveless, pathetic client. She’d trivialized their very real connection by implying that all she needed from Nat was emotionless sex.
And she’d done it knowing—knowing—that wasn’t true.
Emily wasn’t even sure she could forgive herself. If she’d lost Nat forever because she’d been too afraid to try and keep her, it would stand as one of the most foolish missteps of her entire life. Still, as scared as she was to find out whether she’d ruined her chance with Nat, she had to try to apologize. Time—and her conversation with Colleen—had put a lot of things into perspective. Pushing Nat away had been a spineless move. She was more miserable now—and less present in every aspect of her life—than she had been even with the “distraction” of dating.
Funny how breaking things off with Nat had accomplished exactly the opposite of what she’d intended. Without Nat, she seemed to be worse—as a sister, as an accountant, maybe even as a human being. Objectively, it made sense to see if she could actually make a relationship work. If she could, she would be better off. If not, she’d be in exactly the same boat as she was now. That Colleen had not only given her blessing but also outright encouraged her to pursue Nat gave her the courage she needed to swallow her pride and send Nat a text.
Did you get the job?
It was short, to the point, and not nearly as apologetic as she felt, but Emily told herself it was prudent to keep her message brief until she knew whether Nat would even respond. No sense pouring her heart out to an unsympathetic audience.
When the response came, forty minutes later, the single word revealed nothing about Nat’s mood.
Yup.
Emily smiled as her eyes filled with tears. She should have been there to reassure Nat before her interview, then to congratulate her once it was over. But she hadn’t. Fingers shaking, she texted back.
I’m so proud of you, Nat. You deserve it.
Then she waited. And waited. An hour later, Nat still hadn’t replied.
Unwilling to give up that easily, Emily sent another message. Something unambiguous, she hoped.
I miss you.
Her phone beeped not five minutes later. The two sentences on-screen reached into her chest, grabbed her heart, and shook it like a wolf does its prey.
This is my personal number. If you want to make an appointment, call Janis at the agency.
All right. Obviously Nat was still upset. Emily bit her lip and debated what to do next. She hadn’t wanted to actually contact Janis and pretend like she and Nat were nothing more than escort and client, but if that was the only way Nat would see her, so be it. She would play whatever game Nat wanted if it meant she could apologize face-to-face. The upside to making an appointment was that Nat would be professionally obligated to meet her.
The downside was that she would have to dip into her savings account to make it happen. Emily snorted. She must be falling in love.
Surrendering to that thought, Emily looked up the number to the Xtreme Encounters agency and dialed.
*
Exhausted after a long day at her new job, Nat rested on her couch and stubbornly refused to wonder how Emily would respond to her last text message. She’d thrown down the gauntlet, telling Emily to call Janis and make an appointment, and she damn well knew it. But Emily couldn’t have it both ways. Either they had a professional relationship or a personal one. Emily had chosen professional, and if she wanted something deeper, she was going to have to do a hell of a lot better than impersonal, vague text messages.
In a perfect world, Emily would reply back that she didn’t want to make an appointment—that she wanted to apologize. She’d say that she’d made a terrible mistake, and that she was sorry, and that Nat hadn’t been crazy to feel like they had the sort of chemistry that could overcome any obstacle. She would beg for another chance, and Nat would feel her sincerity, so of course she would forgive her.
That was the best-case scenario. Worst-case, Emily could take her terse instructions as a hostile good-bye and disappear from her life forever. Despite her lingering anger, that wasn’t what she wanted. She could still see a future with Emily—she could practically taste the life they would make together. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Emily back. She just wanted to feel like she was the one being chased, at least for a little bit. She needed to know that Emily was willing to work to win her back.
That was assuming Emily even wanted her back in that way. It was entirely possible that Emily simply craved a casual, paid encounter. Maybe she missed the sex but still wasn’t ready to offer more. Maybe she honestly believed Nat was capable of fucking her without loving her, which meant she was crazy as fuck on top of being the most perfect woman Nat had ever met.
Nat’s stomach flip-flopped when her cell phone began buzzing its way across her coffee table. It took her a moment to realize that she had an actual call and not just a reply from Emily. She rolled onto her side and grabbed her phone before it fell off the edge of the table. Her throat went dry when she saw Janis’s name on the display.
She rolled onto her back and answered, heart pounding as she stared up at the ceiling. “She actually tried to make an appointment, didn’t she?”
“She did.” Janis’s warm voice managed to relax the tension in her shoulders, allowing her to exhale slowly. “I told her I’d have to get back to her. I didn’t even want to guess what you would prefer I tell her.”
“She texted me a few hours ago. Congratulated me on the new job, told me she missed me.” Nat hesitated. “To be fair, I told her to make an appointment. I think maybe I was hoping she’d just apologize instead. Or call me. Or something.”
“Well, she did what you told her to do. Now what?”
“I don’t know.” Nat tried to imagine meeting Emily for fantasy sex. She still wanted to fuck Emily—nothing had changed in that respect. But she was so hurt and so angry she honestly didn’t know how to be near Emily without losing her cool. If it turned out that all Emily wanted was a good, hard fuck, Nat would be shattered. “What did she say?”
“That she’d like to see you as soon as possible. She wants to pay for the entire night.”
Nat winced. She’d returned her portion of Emily’s money for their first appointment, but the agency had kept its cut. Now Emily was prepared to pay thousands of dollars for the opportunity to be with her again. She battled a wave of guilt at the thought of Emily parting with her hard-earned money just as she was getting ready to pay for Colleen’s college. “We’re not taking her money.”
“I know that.” Janis’s haughty tone conveyed her distaste that Nat would even go there. “She sounded very nervous. I didn’t let on that I knew about you two. When I asked her what she wanted, I could sense that she struggled to answer.”
“And?”
“She wants you to punish her. She wants, and I quote, for you to ‘take what’s yours.’”
Nat’s breath hitched as her mind began running through various ways she could do exactly that. She tried not to dwell on the implications of Emily’s choice of words, too afraid to believe that she’d really had such a dramatic change of heart. “Oh.”
“Wet?”
“You can’t imagine.”
Janis chuckled. “Sure, I can.” She cleared her throat. “So should I set something up?”
“Yes,” Nat said, then shook her head. “No. I mean, I don’t know.”
Nat sighed. “Of course I want to see her again. But if I show up and all she wants from me is a good fuck, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.”
“But at least then you’d know.” Janis paused. “If this was just about sex, don’t you think she’d ask for someone else? Someone uncomplicated?”
It wasn’t as though Nat had a real decision to make. Of course she would go. “All right. Tell her any evening this weekend works—after six o’clock. But I don’t want her to come to my place. Until she tells me otherwise, this is all business.”
“I’ll let you use one of the agency’s apartments. Mine, if I have to.”
Relieved, Nat said, “You’re a good friend.”
“I sure try. Anything else you want me to tell her?”
“Ask her to repeat our safe word: unicorn. Make sure she remembers.” Nat shivered as she began to plan their encounter. “She may need it.”
Chapter Twenty-four
Emily’s hand trembled as she knocked on the door of a top-floor apartment. She checked the time on her cell phone and then the address Janis had given her. Nat had agreed to meet her on Saturday night at eight o’clock, and for three days now, Emily had worried about what would happen when she saw her again. There was so much she wanted to say. She doubted she would remember any of it once Nat was standing in front of her. Just thinking about the possibility of touching Nat made her feel dizzy, like she might pass out. She wished Nat would answer the door so she could go sit down.
Next to Colleen’s custody trial, no moment had ever felt so important. For all the academic achievements and career triumphs Emily had racked up, nothing had ever truly fulfilled her like one weekend with Nat. If she’d lost the chance, however slim it might have been, to somehow try and turn that magical weekend into months or even years, she would be devastated. Now that she had opened herself to the idea of being with Nat, the thought that she might’ve thrown away the relationship they could’ve had crushed her. It would take baring her soul to convince Nat to take her back, and even if that wasn’t always easy for her, she was ready to do it now.
She just hoped she would have the chance before passion swept them away. She desperately wanted to know where they stood before they jumped into bed, but if Nat initiated sex, she would be powerless to resist.
Even with her safe word.
Emily shivered, then knocked again. She was a little early, but hopefully Nat would forgive her for that, too. She was too impatient to wait in her car for another five minutes. The anticipation was killing her. She needed to know whether Nat could forgive her. She needed to apologize.
A warm body pressed against her back, making her gasp. Strong fingers covered her mouth and muffled the sound. “Don’t.” That one word, whispered next to her earlobe, turned her insides to liquid. “Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
Emily closed her eyes and sagged against Nat’s chest. She wasn’t sure whether Nat was playing a role or pleading with her not to bring emotion into what they were about to do. Hopefully it was the former, because the latter was impossible. She’d been foolish to ever think for even a moment that she could allow Nat to touch her without it meaning something. It meant everything.
As Nat dropped her hand from her mouth to her throat, Emily murmured, “Nat—”
“No.” Nat tightened her fingers ever so slightly on Emily’s neck. Her other hand pressed a key into Emily’s palm. “Unlock the door. We’re not here to talk.”
Emily angled her head, fitting the key into the lock without leaving Nat’s possessive grip. Somewhere below them, a chorus of loud male laughter shattered the quiet. The reminder that someone could interrupt them heightened Emily’s sense of danger and unleashed an embarrassing flood of wetness between her legs.
“Go inside.” Reaching past her hip, Nat grabbed her hand and forced her to turn the knob. She pushed open the door and walked them into a large foyer in one smooth motion. Then she locked the door with a quiet click. Emily barely had a chance to look around the lavishly decorated apartment before Nat caught her wrist and tugged her backward into a crushing embrace. “You want to be punished? You got it.”
There was so much Emily needed to say, but as she feared, she had neither the time nor the presence of mind to find the words. Nat dragged her over to the couch, yanking her shirt and bra over her head and tossing them onto the floor. Emily turned, hoping for a kiss, but Nat seized her chin before she could bring their mouths together.
“No.” Nat grasped her shoulders and turned her around, forcing her over the arm of the couch. Emily fought against her instinct to struggle and surrendered to Nat’s will. Her feet came off the floor as Nat held her by the back of the neck, pushing the side of her face into the cushion. “This is what you wanted.”
Emily whimpered as Nat reached beneath her and worked open the button on her pants. She opened her mouth to initiate the conversation they desperately needed to have, but couldn’t speak. Nat’s hands were strong and already so familiar, and she had missed them more than she’d realized. Now that those hands were on her again, she was hesitant to do or say anything that might make them stop. If Nat couldn’t forgive her, this would be their last time together. She didn’t want to end it before it even began.
So she lay helplessly as Nat undressed her—cold, efficient, and without any discernible affection. Nat unzipped Emily’s pants quickly, not bothering to be gentle as she shimmied them down her hips and off. Her panties followed. When Nat grasped her thighs and forced her legs apart, Emily came up on her elbows just to regain the illusion of control. The cool air in the apartment hit her exposed labia, making her uncomfortably aware of the fact that she was literally dripping with arousal.
Nat gave her a hard smack low on her left buttock, then repeated the action on the other side. “You can’t tell me I’m not giving you exactly what you want. Not when you look like this.” She spread Emily wide open, using her free hand to pat her labia—gently at first, then harder until Emily gasped and pulled away. “You just want to get fucked, don’t you? That’s all a girl like you really needs.”
Emily’s breath caught in her throat. Nat hadn’t said or done anything she hadn’t said or done before, yet everything about this experience felt different. She sensed a hard edge to Nat’s words, despite her flat tone. Her fingers were as skillful as always, sliding over her folds, circling her clit, teasing her with the promise of penetration. But there was no love in Nat’s caress. It felt even more impersonal than their first time.
Emily needed more. She needed all the things she had taken for granted before—the intimacy, the connection, the palpable adoration in Nat’s touch. When Nat dragged questing fingers up to circle her anus, Emily planted her hands on the couch and tried to regain her footing. All of a sudden, she didn’t want to let Nat take her like this. Without that thread of love and trust between them, it wasn’t the same. “Wait.”
Nat pushed her back onto the couch cushion without ceasing the motion of her fingertip around her tight opening. “Silly girl.” She reached beneath Emily’s chest with the same hand that had forced her down and cupped a breast in her palm. “You know that won’t work.”
Emily bit her lip. She didn’t want to use their safe word. It felt like admitting defeat. So she said the only other thing she thought might make Nat stop—which was also the most important thing she had to say. “I love you.”
Nat went still. She kept her hands on Emily’s body, but the stimulation stopped immediately. “What?”
“I mean, I think I…” Emily wasn’t sure whether it was crazy to conclude that love was what she was feeling. They’d known each other for less than two months. Was it possible to fall in love so quickly? She didn’t even know what it felt like. But if this wasn’t it, what was? Exhaling, Emily went with what her heart was telling her. “I’m in love with you.”
Nat’s hand fell away from her bottom. She exhaled, an audible hitch in her breath. �
��Don’t tease me, Em.”
The fearful hope in Nat’s voice made Emily dizzy with relief. Perhaps it wasn’t too late, after all. She glanced over her shoulder and met Nat’s eyes. Still spread out on the couch, she felt vulnerable and exposed in every way. She hoped Nat could see that, too. “I’m not. I wouldn’t—never about that.”
A tear fell from Nat’s eye and tracked its way down her cheek, in stark contradiction to her steely gaze. Emily held her breath, aware that this was it—the moment that would determine whether they had a future together. She’d just given Nat the power to destroy her. All she could do now was hope that she wouldn’t.
*
Emily loved her. Stunned by the declaration, at first Nat wasn’t sure how to react. She’d spent the past two weeks in complete agony because of Emily’s inability to share herself, and now here they were—Emily posed and spread open on the couch like a porn actress, breathily confessing her love just as Nat was ready to give her a cold, uncaring fuck simply to prove a point. There were so many ways she’d imagined this appointment could unfold, but somehow she’d never anticipated how this would actually feel. Sickened by what she’d almost done, she hurried to pull Emily off the couch and onto her feet.
Turning so they were face-to-face, Emily searched Nat’s eyes, nostrils flaring. “I’m so sorry. I was selfish, and a coward. Telling you that I would pay you to keep having sex with me…was inexcusable. It was disgusting.” She shook her head and looked away. “It was also stupid. Sex isn’t enough. Not with you.”
“For me, either.” Nat had spent the last twenty-four hours steeling her heart so she could somehow try and fuck Emily without loving her—as though that was even possible. Allowing the wall she had erected to come down was more difficult than she’d thought it would be. “What’s changed?”
The Night Off Page 23
