The Sea of Love

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  "You can't even help yourself at the moment, Sasana," Aidanna remarked astutely, as his colour began to grow whiter. "Seasick?"

  "Not really, but my head feels as though I've been kicked by a horse, and think that is causing my overall discomfort," he said tightly, clearly hating to be at a loss in any situation.

  Aidanna nodded and rowed faster, collected the last of the pots her uncle had set the day before, and replaced them with fresh ones.

  Then she rowed back, and helped Declan up the beach and into the cave to bed. The day was warm, so he stripped off his shirt despite the coolness of the cave. Wearing only his hose and codpiece, he was a magnificent sight, and Aidanna scurried away shyly at the sight of his near naked form, which seemed to fill the cave.

  "Where are you going?" he called, as she began kneel down in the entryway.

  "I must go see my uncle, get a few more provisions, and take him some of the lobsters and crab. You need to sleep. I'll be back soon," she promised, hurrying away as much to get away from his awe-inspiring masculine presence, as to deliver her catch and tell her uncle all she had learned from Declan.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  By the end of three days, Declan was sleeping a great deal less, and walking around on his own far more. He accompanied Aidanna on her walks around the small island, and she rowed him out to the monastery to meet her uncle.

  The real Diarmuid of course was kept well out of the way, but the two men took an instant liking to each other, and while Aidanna went into the kitchen to gather some herbs and spices, Declan was allowed to use the great library, and view all of the fabulous illuminated manuscripts there.

  "Exquisite. I've never seen anything so lovely. The colours!" Declan enthused, and then saw some sketches that lay on the copy table.

  "These are lovely. That looks like Aidanna," he remarked finally, as she herself came up behind him to see what he had been staring at for so long.

  Aidanna swallowed painfully. "Cathal, her brother, was a marvellous scholar as well as soldier." She opened a small drawer, and held out a picture she had done of him.

  Declan studied them both, and said, "Remarkable. They are so alike! I could almost believe they were identical twins."

  "Cathal was the elder by nine months, but they were very alike," she sighed. But she quickly changed the subject in the hopes that he might not notice that despite the fact she was supposed to be Diarmuid, Aidanna's step-son, the resemblance between them was uncanny.

  "And here is Conn, and Tomas, whom you might remember, and Morgan, another cousin, who stays at Kilgeever most of the time, to help Murtagh, and Aine."

  "She's nothing like Aidanna," Declan remarked, but for once she felt there was no unfavourable comparison being made.

  Aidanna was flattered that he seemed to prefer her own portrait, with her auburn hair and grey eyes, to the Nordic beauty of her half-sister, with hair the colour of spun gold, and eyes like the bluest cornflowers.

  "And Morgan? Why does he remain at Kilgeever?"

  "He always gets seasick, and in any case, he has both mother and father, and several sisters to be responsible for. He is a foot soldier, not a navigator and trader like the rest of us."

  "And you, which are you?"

  "Both, of course," Aidanna said with a grin.

  Declan laughed in disbelief.

  "It's true, my son, this child is both. Ask about the marvellous journeys he has been on, the battles he has fought with the pirates, and the English," Ruairi confirmed, with a slight emphasis on the word ‘he'.

  Declan stared at Aidanna thoughtfully, and then sighed. "It sounds a tremendously exciting life."

  "It is," Aidanna replied simply. "I couldn't imagine living any other way."

  "Ah, but when you marry it will all change. Duty, responsibility, children, your wife's family, will all demand your time and attention. Enjoy your freedom while you can," Declan said bitterly.

  "Are you married, my son?" Ruairi asked sharply.

  "No, Father, I was once, when I was very young. She died. I'd like to say I'm sorry, but I never knew her, merely had to marry her to forge a political and trade alliance for my father.

  "But after so many years alone, I find myself wondering if I should marry, just to pass on all I have worked for to my children, should the Lord see fit to give me any," Declan sighed, though Aidanna could see the idea of marriage was not as appealing or logical as he was trying to make it sound.

  "You're young yet, my son, and should think carefully before committing yourself to something so serious with less than a full heart of love, and respect for your bride," Ruairi cautioned, looking pointedly at Aidanna.

  Declan felt suffocated in the small room. Its elegant trappings reminded him of all he had left behind in London, and he longed for the fresh air of the beach outside once more.

  "If you'll excuse me, sir, I shall go down to the beach for a moment. I'm feeling a bit faint," Declan said quickly, before hurrying out the door.

  Once outside he wondered if he really had left anything behind in the bustling metropolis. Or perhaps escaped from everything there would be a more appropriate phrase.

  "Did my uncle say something to upset you?" Aidanna asked softly, coming behind him so quietly that he did not have sufficient time to compose his features.

  "Not upset, exactly, he merely reminded me of London."

  "And of course you're anxious to get back," Aidanna guessed, the hurt evident in her voice, though indeed she wasn't sure why she was taking it so personally.

  He shrugged one shoulder, "It was something you said to me before, lad, about this not being my world."

  "I didn't mean..." Aidanna hastened to apologise, but he interrupted her.

  "You were right, though, and the odd thing is that in spite of the fact that it has been a dangerous time for me, I am glad I came, to visit my father's home, and to see a different way of life."

  "I'm sorry you've been made unhappy by it all, but Conn and Tomas will be back soon to take you to Galway, or Scotland if you prefer."

  "Unhappy isn't quite the word I would use, boy. Perhaps confused, disappointed, angry, and grateful."

  "Grateful!" Aidanna laughed. "What on earth for? Being stuffed in a sack and nearly drowned?"

  "I've been in battle, even in danger before, but for the first time I was frightened," Declan confessed, taking Aidanna's hand without realising it.

  "But not frightened about death itself, for I know we can't avoid dying. No, it was the terrible sense of the waste of it all, the futility. That I've spent years on this earth, and yet done nothing to be proud of, have created nothing, helped no one but myself for my own ends."

  "I'm sure you've—"

  "Again, you're trying to be kind, but I can see the hollowness of my life in London like gazing into an empty stoup of wine. Men like Ruairi do useful things, helping people by teaching, offering advice, guidance, comfort for the sick. Your step-mother raised two fine boys, if you are anything to judge by, and she saved my life. She fishes, trades. I have no family, no trade. I spend my life standing by idly listening to court gossip, dancing attendance on whomever is the lord or lady in favor at the minute, and manage my small estates through paid servants, never once getting my hands dirty. And visiting so seldom I can barely remember what they look like. And all the while as a try to serve the fat, bloated, suspicious, malicious king, I see the Duke of Norfolk waiting like a vulture to pick the carcass of the king when he finally dies."

  Aidanna gasped. "Is it likely he will die soon?"

  "He has dropsy, and though he pretends he is free of pain, I know his gout is agonising. Norfolk is ambitious, and will sell anyone, including his own daughters, for the right price," he said bitterly. "And they're as ambitious and grasping as their father."

  Aidanna could sense a hidden message in his words, and said carefully, "It almost sounds as if you'd like to stay here."

  He countered the question with one of his own. "How could I? You said it yourself, I d
on't belong here."

  "Nor would I belong in London, if you dropped me off there right now," Aidanna said perceptively. "but I could learn, adapt, try it, be helped perhaps by a kind guide or two, and then if I liked it, well enough, I could stay. If not, I would at least have a choice, and not simply decide to run back home because I was scared,"

  His golden gaze rested on her grey one for a brief moment. "I told you, I'm not afraid of dying, just of, well, time passing. I don't want to go back to the old ways. I want to try to make the best of the last years remaining to me, of knowing the real value of things, people especially. Maybe even find true love, if such a thing exists," he sighed.

  Aidanna's breath caught in her throat as he stared down at her, and she longed to reach up and sweep the hair back from brow.

  But almost as if he knew his last wish was impossible, Declan shrugged. "Silly, isn't it. Come on, let's head back to the cave and go for a swim?"

  "All right," Aidanna replied, releasing his hand. Then she rowed the boat out from the small pier, and brought it back around to their cove, with Declan by her side at the right hand oar.

  Once they got a cooking fire under way, Declan began to strip entirely naked, and Aidanna didn't know where to look. Up until then, she had taken her swims separately, for Declan had not been up to much physical exercise, and in any case she was an early riser, and always took her swim long before he awakened. But now she was presented with the problem of not only avoiding looking at his bare flesh, but not exposing her own.

  "I was burnt by the sun the other day, so I shall leave my shirt on," she excused herself, as Declan removed the last vestiges of his clothing, and trotted along the beach unabashedly.

  Aidanna's widened eyes were fixed on him as he strode into the surf. Her mouth went dry, and her heart hammered in her chest. She had seen her cousins and step-sons naked, but never had any man exuded such raw force, from the iron-hewn thighs, right the way up to the heavily muscled-chest. Aidanna was certain if she tried to embrace him, her arms would never be able to go all the way around his body, and though she was tall for a woman, he positively dwarfed her.

  Conn, whose clothes Declan had been wearing since his own had been ruined in the sea, was almost as tall but certainly not as well-muscled. Declan was larger than life in every respect. And she knew he was growing into a larger and larger part of her life every day that passed, whether she willed him to or no. If he were to leave, she knew she would be haunted by him forever. But if we were to stay…. That was an even more terrifying thought.

  "Are you coming in?" Declan called.

  Aidanna blinked, finally coming out of her reverie.

  He splashed her playfully, and they raced out to one of the rocks and back. He was a strong swimmer, if somewhat out of practice, and was fascinated as Aidanna swam on her back, and then floated.

  "Like one of the mermaids I've read of in books," he laughed, "or should I say merman?"

  "Or a whale," Aidanna giggled, before she spouted a mouthful of water.

  They stayed in for a time, but as the evening air grew chilly, they raced back to the shore, and then to the cave, where they huddled by the roaring fire.

  "Take that shirt off, and I'll dry your back," Declan offered.

  Aidanna pulled away and said almost hysterically, "No! I mean, my sunburn, it's so painful!"

  She was frightened of ruining their intimacy by allowing him to discover who she really was, even though she knew he would eventually find out and be rather angry.

  But even more importantly, for the first time since she had begun to blossom into a mature woman, she enjoyed not being treated in a deferential way because of her gender. Declan treated her like an equal, confided in her as he would in her uncle, even asked her advice. If he knew she was Aidanna, however, he would treat her as if she were a complete idiot, try to suffocate her protectively, or speak to her in lover-like terms. Even Tomas, in spite of his comradeship, had never let her forget she was a woman, to be protected, revered, and made love to.

  Aidanna was not averse to the idea of having a lover one day, but the problem had always been whether or not she would be loved for herself, or merely coveted because she was the daughter of Murtagh O'Flaherty, and had been named by her brother Cathal as his successor before he died. Tomas' loyalty had always been unquestionable, as had Conn's, but her other cousin Morgan, and many other suitors, had pestered her for weeks after her brother's untimely death, until finally, in despair, she had accepted Angus Burke, twenty years her senior.

  At least Aidanna had known where she'd stood with him. He had wanted her land, and had two fine sons who would grow up to inherit both properties. Aidanna reflected that now she was widowed, should her fortunes improve, every man in Connaught would be pressing his suit again, especially Morgan.

  So Aidanna remained silent concerning her identity, and Declan and she spent another three days in peace and tranquility, fishing, swimming, eating, talking, sleeping together in the big bed, like brothers, as she said one day to Declan, only to be corrected.

  "No, more like father and son, since I am thirty-five, certainly old enough to be your father."

  But Declan's assessment of their relationship was radically altered the next morning when he arose unaccountably early, and called, "Good morning, Diarmuid!" to his companion as Aidanna stood dressing outside amongst the rocks after her usual morning swim.

  Panic-stricken, she whirled around, and revealed to him the very thing she had been so desperately trying to conceal.

  Declan's mouth hung open at the sight of her beautifully rounded breasts, and he gasped, "My God! You're a woman?"

  "Who are you?" he demanded roughly, as he strode over and took hold of her bare shoulders. Then he looked carefully into her eyes, and traced a finger against her jaw, where he could detect one last bruise underneath the fading walnut stain on her skin.

  "Aidanna! My God, what a fool I've been! But why the disguise, and where the hell is the real Diarmuid!" Declan snapped, pulling her wet body closer to him, so that she gasped at the intimate contact.

  "He's in the cloister, with Ruairi, of course. You can meet him later if you don't believe me!" she offered in a shaky voice.

  "Then why, if you're innocent of any wrongoing, did you engage in this ridiculous masquerade?" he barked, his golden eyes glinting furiously.

  "I wanted to find out what you knew about Donal's schemes , and I couldn't leave you on your own in the cave. But I couldn't have taken you anywhere else safely either. Besides, would you have been so overjoyed to see me, or listen to what I had to say, when you thought I might be guilty of all you accused me of?" Aidanna argued.

  "Damnation, I knew Donal was a liar, but now look at you! Are you any better? You pretend to be my friend, but all of this has been just one lie after another!" Declan shouted, pushing her from him, as he stormed away down the beach.

  Aidanna hauled a shirt over her head and ran after him.

  "No, it's all true! I am your friend, as Is Ruairi. Just because I'm Aidanna doesn't mean what I told you was a lie. It's just that it isn't Diarmuid's life I've been describing, it's mine!"

  "I've been here nearly a week! Could you not have found the right time to tell me?"

  "What difference would it make? Aidanna or Diarmuid, we were still friends!"

  "But you're a woman!"

  "That's precisely why I didn't tell you! Would we still be friends if you had known?"

  Declan stopped short, and stared out to sea. Though he avoided her eyes, she could see she had convinced him that she was not entirely to blame for having kept silent.

  "The friendship of a woman may not be much where you come from, Declan, but I've lived in a man's world all my life, with my cousins and sons, and I refuse to be forced into a subservient role, or treated as inferior to men. Aine has no problems, for she is truly beautiful, loves the hearth and home, children, and will make a splendid wife one day. I was a failure as a wife to Angus, in terms of being a woman,
I know that now. But I did my best my Malachi and Diarmuid, and it was only ever meant to by a dynastic marriage anyway. Where I bring value and meaning in my life is as a sailor, trader, I am a success. Please, can we not remain friends?"

  "But you are forgetting that the Aidanna I first met also colours my perceptions of you, and now the past few days, and your rescuing me, it, well, it confuses me," Declan said quietly, avoiding her intense gaze.

  She frowned. "Why?"

  "I've never met a woman like you." Declan shrugged, and gazed deeply into her grey eyes. "I don't know how to treat you."

  "Well, just think of me as a person, not a woman, and perhaps the confusion will vanish. Treat me as you have for the past week. I've had no complaints."