"I am listening."
He saw that she was alert, wary. She waited.
He hesitated. Then he caught sight of the elk hide, whole, unshredded, and the taste of defeat entered his mouth.
"I do not want a home."
"Ah, I see. You are truly like the falcon, then. The bird that lays its eggs on a ledge. He makes no nest."
He smiled, relieved. "Yes. I am like that."
She smiled back. "You are well named indeed."
He was glad she understood.
"But Falcon, I am not like that. I want a home, family."
His smile disappeared. "We cannot have that." He glanced away. "II should never have taken you from your people."
Her smile wavered and he saw her lips tremble. But she held his eyes with her bright black ones. "You may do what you want, but as I am here, I will make a home."
Powerlessness entered him then. She did not understand; she would never understand, and they were pitted against each other like hunter against lion. He glanced around the cave again and he realized that even were he to tear it all apart, she would merely go out and get more herbs, more rushes, and make more baskets. She would never see how it was for him. He felt as though he were stepping off a cliff and falling, falling through the air. And he knew the only thing that would stop his fall was death: his death.
"So be it then," he said softly, setting his spear down. He took her in his arms. He could not fight it. He could not tell her all the feelings that roiled in him, but he could seek solace in her arms. That would hold death at bay for a little while.
She clung to him and he was surprised at the strength of her hold. He kissed her trembling lips. Desire for her flared in him. "Let us go to the bedrobes," he suggested.
She took his hand and led him past the fire to the back of the shallow cave where the elk hide was. They sank to the bed and he helped her out of her dress. She helped him shed his clothes and then they were lying naked, her heated skin pressing against his. He took her then, and only when he was inside her could he forget the overwhelming despair that he fought day and night. She is like Tula, came the taunting little voice in his mind. She will destroy you and your son, too!
He shook his head to dispel all thought and pushed harder into her. Soon came the all-encompassing, intense, life-giving burst as he drove into her, and it blotted out all his fear, all his pain. He held her and buried his face in her neck, inhaling her sweet fragrance. He would stay with her, he would live with her, in this cave home. And when it came time to die, he would go willingly, gloriously, if only he could hold her like this every night.
Chapter Thirty-five
Winter
Star sat by the fire, wrapped in a huge, warm beaver fur, and stared out at the thickly falling snow as it blew past the cave entrance. It was the second day of the blizzard and she was glad that she and Falcon were safely ensconced in their cave home.
She had never told him where the extra food came from. No doubt he thought that their stores had just mushroomed on their own. But it was Betafor who had parted with two bundles of dried cakes made from pounded roots, saying that her daughters had been most diligent and provided more than enough roots for this winter. She gave no explanation when she handed a bundle of dried meat to Star.
Sageflower had stopped by to visit and given
Star, baskets and all, dried berries, dried meat, and dried mushrooms. Pine Woman and Elk Knees had both appeared at Star's cave entrance, carrying a basket of pine seeds and a basket of dried blueberries each. Over Star's weak protests, they had insisted that they could spare such food for her. Even Deer Summoner's grave old mother had visited Star's cave when Falcon was out and silently handed Star two giant, warm beaver pelts, one of which she wore this moment.
Star brushed away a tear as she thought about how kind the people had been to her. Not just the Badger women, but the Jaguar women, too. It had been so generous of them to part with the food they had saved for their families, and they had done so graciously. For her. And for Falcon. She was starting to feel accepted by these Jaguar People.
She slanted a glance at Falcon. He sat wrapped in the other large beaver robe and stared moodily at the fire. Waiting out a blizzard was difficult for him to do, she thought as she burrowed further down in the warm robe.
The snow was falling swiftly now and had piled up thigh-deep outside the cave's entrance. The path along the ledge to the other caves was covered in snow, but the Jaguar People could outwait the blizzard.
Later that night, Star heard the wind howl as the snowstorm raged across the land. She snuggled up to Falcon and he, sound asleep, pulled her closer and held her. She smiled to herself and fell back to sleep.
The next morning when she awoke, the snow had stopped. She and Falcon broke their fast with strips of dried meat.
''I will go hunting," he said.
She nodded, understanding that he could not linger for many days in the cave without becoming restless. "Perhaps one of the other men will go with you," she answered. "Then if a snowstorm comes, you will be safer."
He stared at her as he always did whenever she suggested that she wanted him to stay safe. Why is it such a surprise to him? she wondered. Sometimes she saw disbelief cross his face and she thought then that he did not trust her words. She sighed. Would she ever understand this man? No, she answered herself. Not until he himself explained what went on in his soul.
"I will ask Horn if he wants to go," answered Falcon.
She nodded and went over to kiss him. He gave her an answering kiss; then he grabbed up his spear and hurried off. She shook her head and went to sit down by the fire. She picked up her sewing and stared at it. She stared but did not see the bird she was designing on the newly made leather shirt, the one she had made to replace the leather shirt the jaguar had shredded in the attack so long ago. But whenever she looked at the falcon design she had drawn, she thought it paltry and childish compared to the magnificent design he had once worn. The one Tula had made.
With a dissatisfied sigh, Star set the sewing aside. Now she was the one feeling restless. Perhaps she could go hunting with Falcon. He found that soothing; perhaps she would, too.
She put on her long moccasins, then wrapped a fur around her torso and tied it with a leather belt. She headed out into the snow.
The path along the ledge that led to the other caves was well trodden and she soon reached the cave that Elk Knees and Horn lived in. Unfortunately, Star had forgotten in her haste that they shared the large, comfortable dwelling with Horn's sister, Tula, and Marmot and their son.
"What do you want?" Tula greeted her at the entrance.
"I am looking for Falcon," answered Star as reasonably as she could. Why did she feel like screaming and throwing things whenever she saw Tula?
"He is not here."
"He said he was coming to visit Horn."
"No. He is not here. Go away."
"Who is it, Tula?" Elk Knees's voice came from the back of the cave.
"No one," snapped Tula.
But Elk Knees was coming forward to see for herself. "Oh, Star." She smiled. "Welcome." Was that a blush on her dusky cheeks?
Star liked the way that Elk Knees ignored her sister-in-law's angry grunt. She let Elk Knees propel her past the glowering Tula and guide her back to where her small family sat. The little girl was weaving a tiny basket and the little boy was carving the handle of a toy spear. "Where is Horn?" asked Star.
"He has gone hunting with Falcon," answered Elk Knees.
"Oh." Star stared at the little family, trying not to show her disappointment.
"You just missed them."
Star nodded. "Perhaps if I hurry I will catch up to him."
Elk Knees nodded. "If you hurry. They seemed quite anxious to hunt. Sitting around in caves does not agree with men."
Star took her leave and walked back past Tula and Marmot's sleeping place without saying anything. She could feel Marmot's eyes on her the whole length of her wal
k, and Tula muttered at her angrily when she passed. Star kept going, head down.
"Badger dog-girl ..." The whispered curse followed her out of the cave.
She stood on the ledge and gazed out across the snow-clad land. She could see the two men making their way slowly across the landscape. They wore snowshoes. Crestfallen, she glanced at her feet. She did not have snowshoes. There would be no hunting for her this day.
Slowly she went back to her little cave. She took off the robe and pulled off her moccasins. She carefully placed some wood on the small fire, then sat down beside it to begin her lonely vigil. She gave a sigh, picked up the leather shirt, and stared at it. Then she started to draw a falcon upon it once more.
She was dozing by the fire when stamping footsteps outside the cave awoke her.
"Falcon!" She jumped up and flew to him. She threw her arms around him and hugged him. "I am so glad you have returned!"
He stared at her, then shrugged, accepting her enthusiastic hug. He set aside his spear and dragged in the deer he had killed.
"Oh! Oh! A deer!" She clapped her hands in glee. "You were most fortunate!"
He stared at her again as if he thought she were in danger of losing her wits.
"It was so quiet here all day," she explained. "I had no one to talk to, nothing to do. I am so glad you have returned."
He nodded at that.
"Oh!" she exclaimed again, seeing anew how large the deer was. "All that meat! We must have a feast!"
He was looking at her strangely again.
"I want to invite Betafor and Claw, andand Elk Knees and Horn and their family! And Pine Woman and Sageflower and their husbands! And, oh, yes, Deer Summoner's old mother"
He held up a hand. "We will have no meat left for ourselves."
"That is correct."
"And will you tell me why we are going to give away all our meat?"
"Yes. We are going to store it in our friends' stomachs."
"Hmmm. I suppose this is a Badger custom."
"Oh, yes. It is considered very wise to store one's food in other people's stomachs. Then when you need food, they will store some in yours."
"I see."
She clapped her hands in excitement. "It has been so quiet in this cave. I have been wanting to talk to someone, anyoneand now I have a wonderful chance"
"Star."
"Yes?"
"Just tell me why we are going to store our food in their stomachs."
"Well, that is being friendly." She looked at him brightly. "You want to be friendly, do you not?"
He yawned. "I do not care if I am friendly or not. Friends do not matter."
She felt the old despair rising and she tamped it down. She would not let him get to her with his "nothing matters" ideas. She would not... .
"Since it does not matter to you, I will run and invite the guests." She was halfway to the entrance when his hand gripped her shoulder and stopped her.
"I do not want to have a feast. I want to rest. I am tired."
She swung to face him. "Well. You are tired. Too bad." She took a step forward and leaned into him. "If it were not for your friends, the ones you do not care about, you would be so tired you would be dead!"
"What do you mean?" He stared at her blankly.
"I mean," she gritted, "that it was Betafor and Elk Knees and Sageflower and Deer Summoner's mother who fed us. They made sure we had warm furs for the cold winter. And why did they do that, Falcon?"
He did not answer but his eyes narrowed.
"Aha! You do know why! It was because you destroyed every piece of food, every fur we had saved for the winter. That is why! Without their gifts of food and warm furs, you and I would both be dead. Frozen under a blanket of snow! Now do you understand why I want to give them a feast?"
He flinched at her words. At last he answered in a surly tone, "Invite them then."
She tossed her head. "I will." And she stomped out of the cave.
When she returned with her guests in tow, she found that Falcon had added more wood to the fire and had started to cut the meat in chunks for roasting on sticks. She smiled at him and waved, chatting happily with her guests all the while.
She tried not to stare when he politely offered the first cooked chunk of meat to Deer Summoner's old mother.
Much later, when all the guests were holding their full stomachs and staggering out of the cave, she turned to him and smiled. "Thank you so much for treating my guests so well."
"They were my guests, too," he pointed out, but then she saw his black eyes twinkle.
She leaned forward and touched her forehead to his. Her nose touched his, too. "Falcon?"
"Hmmm?"
"That was a fine feast you gave."
"We gave," he corrected.
"We gave," she agreed happily. Then she took his hand and pulled him along to the back of the cave where the elk-hide bed was.
Soon they were happily rewarding each other for a feast well given.
Chapter Thirty-six
Falcon stamped the snow off his snowshoes and undid the leather thongs that tied them to his feet. He set them aside and walked into the cave.
"Welcome back to our home," greeted Star.
He stared at her. Did she realize what she had just said? Home? Was she trying to torment him?
He grunted in answer as he took off his fur robe.
"No animals?" she asked brightly.
He shook his head. "All the animals were hiding from the cold."
"As you should do," she chided.
"I do not like lying around the cave all day," he retorted.
Her face softened and she answered, "I know you do not, Falcon. You are a good husband. You hunt often for us and you are always very generous with the meat you kill. You share what you have with others."
He bent over to take off his moccasins so that she could not see how much her words and voice undid him.
"It was not my idea to share," he retorted gruffly. "It is you who insists on giving away the meat."
"Ah. I do not believe you, husband," she answered, and he felt himself soften inside when he saw how her brown eyes danced in the firelight.
She continued in that voice that sent shivers of desire down his spine, "I saw you give Old Widow a deer haunch yesterday, when you thought no one was looking. She has no one to hunt for her, but I suppose you knew that."
He turned his back to her and peeled off his leather shirt. "Horn feeds her. So do the other hunters."
"Perhaps you should send her out into the snows," suggested Star.
He whirled. "No! We will not send her out into the snows!" he thundered.
"Good," Star answered meekly. "I remember when you first visited my Badger camp so long ago, you said that your people send the old ones out into the snows."
He stared at her, remembering that time he had once teased her and her mother at the Badger camp. It seemed like many seasons ago now, he thought wearily. He turned away from her. "Old Widow will find a new husband in the spring. There is much life spirit left in her yet. One of the young men will surely offer for her."
When he glanced at Star to see how she reacted to his answer, he saw that her lips had tightened. Trying not to laugh, the little Badger, he thought.
Indeed, the idea of Old Widow marrying again did seem funny. She was the oldest woman of the Jaguar People and her counsel was occasionally sought by Betafor so that she could better advise Claw before he advised the rest of the Jaguar People. But everyone knew that Old Widow was content to stay unmarried. And the hunters were always generous with their meat to her; she never lacked for food. One day she would be among the fortunate ones and just die quietly in her sleep.
"I should put you out in the snow," he said, marveling to himself that he had tried to make a joke. It seemed he had not laughed in a long time.
But he saw that his wife understood his joke; she made a wry face at him. He smiled back, liking the slight banter between them. Was this what it was like t
o be married then? he wondered. Was this happiness that seeped through his chest what it was like to live with someone you truly loved?
He froze. Loved? There was no such thing as love. He had best remember that. He did not love Star. He loved no one.
His wife must have read something on his face, for she went back to her sewing. He walked over and looked down at what she was doing. "What is that?"
She turned the leather over as though she did not want him to see it. The little Badger, he thought. What is she trying to hide?
He reached down and turned the leather back so he could see it. "What is that?" he asked, perplexed. "It looks like a prairie hen or some such... ."
She snatched it away from his hands. "It is nothing!" she announced.
"It is, Star. It is something. Give it to me."
But she refused to hand the leather over to him. He held out his hand. "Give it to me, Star."
"No." She ducked her head.
"I want to see it."
"No!"
"Star ..."
When she bent herself around the leather to hide it from him, he could not resist. "Give it to me," he insisted, trying to get at it, "or I will tickle you!"
She began to giggle as his fingers found her ribs and underarms and started wiggling. She began to laugh so hard from his tickling that her grip on the leather loosened and he snatched it away.
"Aha!" he exclaimed in triumph. "I have it!"
"No!" She came at him, her hands out like claws trying to get at the garment.
He held her off with one hand while he shook out the soft, crumpled leather with the other. "Why, it is a shirt!"
She shrieked and dived at him. It took all his strength to hold her off with his one hand, and then he started to laugh because now she was tickling him under the arm.
"Give it back to me, Falcon!"
"No!"
"You must! You must!"
He was laughing too hard to hold on to the leather and she snatched the garment back.
He grinned at the discomfiture on her face. ''It is a fine prairie hen, Star," he assured her.
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