"But, Tula." Star recoiled. "He is no longer your husband. You did not want him. You chose another man!"
Tula gave a quick shake of her head as though to deny Star's words. Then her shoulders sagged. "I did," she muttered. Once again, she lifted her head and her eyes met Star's. "But you will pay for seeing me cry!"
Star protested gently, "I cry myself. I do not think the less of you for that"
"You do! I cannot stand your pity!"
Star shook her head. "Believe me, Tula. What I feel for you is not pity." Anger, fear perhaps, sometimes hatred. But not pity.
Tula's fists were clenched at her sides. She gritted her teeth. "You will pay, Badger dog-girl! No one must see my weakness!"
Did Tula mean that Star had seen that she still loved Falcon? Or did she mean that her tears were a weakness? She cannot be reasoned with, Star realized. Whatever wounds this woman has cannot be reached. Not by me.
Tula moved toward the cave entrance, her body as stiff and as straight as a wooden branch. Star hurried after her.
They reached the cave's mouth and Star blinked several times as her eyes adjusted to the bright daylight.
Gravel crunched under Tula's dainty feet as she walked away. Star watched her go, and an unexpected sadness for the other woman welled in her heart.
Suddenly Tula swung around and screamed at
Star. "I will hurt you!" A long, hideous laugh tore from her throat.
Gone was every trace of the sobbing, hurt woman who had stood in Star's cave and cried.
Star turned away.
But Tula was not done. "Claw's visitors are the slave catchers!" she cried out, and a note of triumph rang in Tula's voice. "And they are always looking for new slaves!"
Fear spiraled through Star before she was able to stop it. Tula cannot hurt me, she told herself over and over. I will be leaving these people and there is nothing she can do to hurt me. I must remember that!
But it was a difficult thing to remember with Tula's raucous laugh echoing in her ears.
Chapter Forty-two
Falcon passed Tula and her baby as he walked the path that led past the caves. Tula did not glance at him, but he noticed she had a smug look upon her face. He wondered whom she had been hurting.
When he reached the cave, Star sat huddled by the unlit fire. "Come," he said heavily. "It is time to leave."
He had informed Claw and Betafor that he was taking his wife back to her people, that the marriage was over. Many people had been coming and going and visiting at Claw's, but Falcon felt he had been discreet. Claw and Betafor would tell the other Jaguar People after he and Star left. No need to shame her before his people.
And it was too bad that two of Claw's guests were the slave catchers. Hooknose and Red Jaw had both snarled at Falcon when they had seen him enter Claw's cave. Though he did not fear them, Falcon hoped that Claw sent the brutal slave catchers away soon. Wherever they went, their deceit brought trouble.
His eyes swung back to Star as she got slowly to her feet. Her every movement looked as though it were painful. He jerked his eyes away from her protruding stomach.
She lifted her baskets and waited, not looking at him. He swallowed and glanced once more around the cave. When he returned to his Jaguar People, he would not live in this cave. He could not face the memories.
They left then, Falcon in the lead, Star stumbling along behind him. After they had traveled some distance, Star halted and set down her baskets. "I forgot my digging stick."
"You can get another one from your people," he answered.
She winced at his words, at the reminder that he was taking her to her Badger People. Her pain troubled him not at all; he was proud of how cool his heart felt toward her.
Wordlessly, she hefted her baskets once more and set out behind him. They walked all that day, stopping only to drink water from a clear-running creek. As evening approached, he called a halt to their march. While Star sought twigs and branches for the fire, Falcon mused upon how she was able to travel such a good distance while pregnant. She was a strong woman, he decided, and felt some relief. She would need to be.
After a silent meal they each lay upon their furs, backs to the fire. Star kept away from him. Once he awoke in the night and thought he heard her crying, but when he crept over to her, he saw that he was mistaken. Her eyes were closed, her lashes thick and dark on her cheek as she slept.
The next morning they were on their way after a short breakfast of dried deer meat. She must be anxious to return to her people, he thought when he saw how eager she was to be on the trail once again. Something inside him felt sad at this but he quickly squashed it. His heart was cool, like a glacier stream. He must remember that.
The journey continued in a blur of numbness for him. He felt a twinge of surprise that it should be so easy to return her to her people. Once, when they had lived in the Bear Caves, he had fooled himself into thinking that he loved her. He shook his head, glad to be rid of that delusion. For he had discovered the truth: love was only a delusion. Nothing substantial, nothing real or true. Love meant nothing and it surely did not last. Not love for a mate, not love for a child. And it never survived death.
Strange how a twinge of pain should pierce his chest just then.
Star glanced at him when he groaned aloud. "Falcon?"
He clutched his chest and rubbed it. Shook his head. "It is nothing, Star." He remained silent, the pain gone as suddenly as it had come.
Star glanced away from Falcon's cold, handsome face. Everything was ashes for her, like a dead fire. Her love for him was gone, her hopes for the baby, everything was gone. Destroyed.
She wondered if Blue Jay would be able to give her life again. What an onerous task for a mother, Star mused. To birth a babe and then, when she was grown to adulthood, to give her a reason to live, to fan the flame of life once more. For surely that was what Star needed. It felt as though her soul had flown to some other place, so deadened inside did she feel. How did one learn to live again, to love again after such a devastating blow? How could he cast her aside? Did he not understand that she loved him?
She almost laughed aloud when she remembered the badger she and Sageflower had seen that day they had dug camas bulbs. Little had she known then that Darkstar was warning her about the trouble to come: her beloved husband was about to cast her aside. Ah, yes, Darkstar was right to send a messenger. The only problem was, no messenger could help Star now. No one could. Not when her life lay in ruins.
That night they stopped to camp beside a small stream. She stole peeks at him as he built up the fire. When he handed her a strip of dried deer meat, his handsome face appeared as though carved in stone. After their meal, his dark eyes were cold, even as he wished her a good night's sleep.
She retired to her robes as swiftly as she could. Why could he not understand that she loved him and wanted to be with him?
She sobbed silently into the warm fur beneath her face. She did not want him to hear her crying in the night, for she knew now that her tears would leave him unmoved and only add to her shame.
For nothing she did could reach him. She carried his child, yet that meant little to him. She'd pleaded desperately with him, yet her pleadings went unheeded. And now her tears would avail her nothing, either. This man had gone too far away for her to reach.
Chapter Forty-three
They had found a camp. Star sat waiting, hidden behind a small cluster of pine trees, her baskets spread around her on the dried brown pine needles. From where she sat she could see ten or more tents set out among the spindly trees of a pine forest. A little distance away she could see the sparkle of water on a wide river. Blue smoke drifted through the trees.
Falcon had left her to wait while he crept close enough to the tents to determine if they were indeed her people's. Star listened, but no sentry gave a cry to alert anyone. Falcon must not have been seen yet, she thought, when all of a sudden he was back and standing in front of her. ''Your mother is there. It is yo
ur Badger People's camp."
Star glanced at him, but the sun was at his back and she saw nothing but the darkness of his form.
She could read no reassurance, no caring on that strong visage, nor hear it in his voice.
She rose to her feet and picked up her baskets. "I will go to them," she answered. If he expected more pleading and begging, he was wrong.
He fell into step behind her, carrying his spear loosely, but she knew him now and knew those black eyes missed nothing. They were approaching her mother's tent before a warning cry from the Badgers went up. Star ignored Falcon's snort of derision which implied her people were easy to sneak up on.
When she saw Blue Jay, Star began to run. "Mother!"
Her mother whirled and dropped the spoon she was holding. Her jaw gaped and she moved away from the fire, peering through the smoke in Star's direction.
"It is me, Mother!"
Blue Jay's face split into a happy grin and she started to move toward Star. The two women embraced, laughing and crying, and Star held on to her mother's bulky arms tightly. She pulled away for only a moment to say, "Oh, Mother, I am so happy to see you!" Then she hugged her mother again. She wanted to stay in her mother's loving arms and never leave.
When their laughing and crying had subsided into the murmurs of conversation, Star glanced up to see Falcon standing, arms folded across his broad naked chest, watching them. "Mother," she said carefully, "here is Falcon."
Her mother stiffened. "I see him."
Star's heart ached for the pain in her mother's voice. It had been difficult for Blue Jay while Star had been gone and her mother's voice told her that now.
"He is welcome in our camp," Blue Jay grated out.
Star's lips tightened. How welcome would he be when Blue Jay found out that Falcon was casting Star aside?
Echo, the Badger headman, came up. He regarded Falcon warily, but to Star he gave a nod. "It is a happy day for us that you have returned."
Star nodded politely. "I am glad to be back."
There was an awkward silence as more Badger People came to gather around the visitors. Falcon was the only one who did not seem to notice the tense silence.
"Star!" It was Chokecherry. The two women hugged.
"Oh, Chokecherry, it is so good to see you!"
"And you, Star!" They hugged again.
Suddenly two children came running up. The two, a girl and a boy, threw themselves at Falcon. The other Badger people gawked.
Star gaped while Falcon picked up the girl and swung her high while the boy clutched his leg. "Greetings, Berry!" He laughed.
Then he set her down and unwound the boy from his leg. He lifted him up and met him eye to eye. "Have you been a help to your mother, Milky?"
"Oh, yes!" the boy assured him. Falcon laughed and put him back on the ground. The two children clung to his legs, beaming.
Star was not the only one who stared. When Crow limped up, she pretended to scold her children but she did not drag them away from Falcon. All the Badger People were watching the children and their mother and then, one by one, they greeted Falcon.
Seeing Star's befuddlement, her mother moved closer and whispered, "He brought Berry and Milky back after the slave catchers stole them away. That is why the children and their mother are so happy to see him."
Star's eyes met Falcon's and he grinned. Her heart leapt when she saw that grin, so long had it been gone from her. She wanted to cry right then, in front of all her people, at seeing him so relaxed and unguarded. Oh, why do you not want me? her heart cried out.
He turned away then to listen to something that Milky was telling him, and the moment was gone. So close, she thought. It is the man I love, but for only a heartbeat. Oh, Falcon, where have you gone? What have you done?
Echo raised his voice to announce a feast to celebrate Star's visit. Star glanced away, embarrassed. How could she tell her people that this was not a visit, that her husband was returning her because he did not want her? Never mind, she scolded herself. Enjoy the feast. They will find out soon enough that I have returned to stay. And though her lips trembled, she kept a smile on her face.
Grouse approached, and Star turned aside when her mother's old friend asked how she had fared with the Jaguar People. Star was trying to think of an answer when her mother cried out, "Star! You are pregnant! You bear my grandchild!"
Star saw her mother's beaming face and she wanted to cry again. She stifled the urge, nodded briefly at her mother, and made up some nonsense answer for Grouse, but her mind was not on what she told the old woman. The painful humiliation of returning to her people, alone and pregnant, her husband not wanting her, bore in upon Star and she wanted to fall to the earth and weep. Instead, she gritted her teeth and smiled.
Falcon was watching Star so closely he could see her lips quiver. He smiled sadly and turned to speak with Blue Jay so that Star would have a moment to regain her calm. "Have you other grandchildren?" he asked Blue Jay conversationally.
"You know that Star is my only child," answered the old woman, her lips white.
Falcon shrugged. Of course. He had forgotten that one of the reasons the old woman had been so furious with him for stealing Star was that she had no other children to keep her company. Well, she would have plenty of Star's company now. He grimaced at the thought.
Blue Jay stepped closer. "My daughter does not look happy, Jaguar man," she hissed. "What have you done to her?"
Only saved her from a terrible fate, he thought. Or tried to. He looked at Blue Jay, saw the anger on her wrinkled face. You will not understand what I do, he thought.
"How long will my daughter be here?" she hissed at him.
"Ask her."
"I ask you."
Clearly, his wife's mother had little liking for him. The thought caused him amusement for a moment. "A long time."
Blue Jay relaxed somewhat at those words. "You may stay in my tent," she offered graciously. "I will stay with my friend, Grouse."
"No need," he answered gruffly. "I will not be staying more than this night. I return to my people on the morrow."
Blue Jay beamed. "It is to be a very long visit then?" She gloated happily. "I insist you take my tent," she offered even more graciously, if such a thing were possible. She was about to walk away when she stopped. "It is very decent of you to bring her for a visit. I thank you."
Guilt swept over Falcon. But not enough to blanket the relief he was feeling. Tomorrow I will be gone and she will be starting her new life with her people. She will have her mother and Grouse and Echo and they will help her with her long labor and her sick baby. I can do nothing. Indeed, there was so much turmoil in his breast now that he thought he would burst. Tomorrow, he told himself. Tomorrow I can get away and leave all this behind. She will be safe with her people and they can help her.
If all was well, then why was he feeling this turgid dullness? Why had the raging turmoil been replaced with a deadened feeling? What was wrong?
He watched Star walk away, the throng of people around her talking avidly now that she had returned. They love her, he thought in surprise. Then he realized what he was thinking and he corrected himself. There is no such thing as love.
"Come," beckoned Blue Jay upon seeing him standing alone. "This way to my home." She turned her back on him then, evidently expecting him to follow.
With a shrug, he trotted after her.
Chapter Forty-four
Star sat by the fire and stared at the river while her mother mixed up a paste of dried nuts. She patted the paste on large, flat, heated rocks in the fire. The smell of baking nut cakes filled the air. Ever since Star was a child, her mother's nut cakes had been her favorite food. But this morning she could not force herself to eat even one.
Falcon was taking his morning swim in the river. He had told Star's people last night that he would leave this morning, and Star did not know what to do. Should she let him go? Should she demand that he take her with him? Should she tell the headman
, Echo, and demand that he demand that she go with Falcon? Should she tell her mother and have her demand
"What is it that sorely troubles your mind this morn, daughter?" asked Blue Jay.
Star stared at the river. She could see a head bobbing in the middle. Long black hair. Falcon.
"Daughter? What ails you?"
Star swung to meet her mother's gaze. The concern on her mother's face made her want to cry and warmed her at the same time. Here, at least, was love. And her Badger People, too; she must not forget them. Several of the women and children had expressed their happiness at seeing her. Most of the men, of course, were goneslaves.
Star sighed. "My husband does not want me anymore."
Her mother gasped. "How can this be? He stole you away. Now he brings you back and dumps you like an old deer carcass! What is the matter with the man?"
Star shook her head. "I do not know, Mother. I do not know."
"And you bear his child!" exclaimed Blue Jay. "How does he explain that?" Her eyes narrowed suddenly. "It is his child, is it not?"
Her mother's blunt talk annoyed Star. "Oh, Mother! Of course it is."
Her mother slapped another nut cake on a hot stone. Star listened to the sizzle.
"Then why," demanded Blue Jay in a loud voice, "does he want to throw you away?"
Star shook her head. "I know not."
"Is he planning to take a second wife?"
"I am his second wife."
"Did you not get along with the first wife then?"
"His first wife left him some time ago. She remarried."
"Ah. So perhaps he hates women because of her."
"Perhaps. It would be easy to do," admitted Star. "His first wife is a very difficult woman."
"So." Blue Jay's hands were on her ample hips as she stared at Star. "What are you going to do?"
"I do not know. Stay here, I suppose."
"You suppose? Of course you can stay here. This is your home. We love you. We will help you."
Her mother's blunt talk sounded fine all of a sudden and Star began to relax. "I have nowhere else to go," she said in a small voice.
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