She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

by Zeenat Mahal

  “Zoella?”

  She spun around. He looked at her miserable face and something uncomfortable lodged in his chest. He sat at the edge of the bed and touched her cheek gently.

  “Where’s the Little Miss Sunshine who could turn any negative into positive and laugh at anything?”

  She pulled away.

  Fardeen tried to curb the anger that suddenly flared. How many rebuffs could a man take? “It isn’t true, is it? What Swaba said, because it doesn’t seem to me that you ever had any feelings for me? You can hardly stand me touching you.”

  She interjected coldly, “Young girls have so many crushes growing up. You were one of mine. That’s all. You know how Swaba can exaggerate sometimes.”

  “Swaba doesn’t have an ounce of imagination. Exaggeration would be beyond her. We both know that. Zoella, we’re married. Don’t you think it’s okay for you to have feelings for me? Why do you want to deny them so badly?”

  Pride, she thought. I have to have some pride left. You’ll never know what you were to me.

  Aloud, she said, “All of us, Swaba’s friends I mean, we had a huge crush on you…and Tom Cruise.”

  “Fine, I get it. You just had a crush. It didn’t mean anything. What about now? You’re married to me. Doesn’t that count for something?”

  He was angry, she knew but she gave him a careless smile. He’d been angry for a long time now. She was so tired of being held responsible for all the wrongs others imagined she had done them. She’d paid her debts in full. She didn’t owe him anything. She had nothing left to give.

  “What do you feel now, Zoella?” he insisted.

  She ignored the question and said, “You said yourself that ours is a marriage of convenience, that I shouldn’t expect anything from you. I think I’ve upheld my part of the bargain.”

  He’d said that, he remembered. His words, all of them, seemed to be haunting him. Was he ever going to be rid of them?

  “So you feel nothing? Not even pity anymore? Oh wait, that was for the scarred, damaged man and now that I’m mended, you feel nothing for me? What a conundrum!” he laughed. “My fiancée rejects me because I’m too ugly, and my wife rejects me because I no longer am.”

  She didn’t even look up.

  He pleaded softly, “I’m the same man, Zoella. You used to laugh with me and say things to me that made me want to be happy again. Why do you insist on putting this distance between us? Isn’t there enough already?”

  “Yes, so many differences, so many that we can’t possibly erase them—class, money…”

  “Stop it. You know perfectly well that’s not what I meant.”

  “Didn’t you?”

  He felt as if her gaze pierced through him. He was forced to examine his own actions and choices. Hadn’t he thought that she would always be faithful and devoted, no matter what he did? Faced with his own demons, he stalked out of the room. She’d done her duty—no, upheld her part of the bargain, she’d said. So she’d felt pity then for him, nothing more? At least Neha had rejected him when he was damaged but Zoella was rejecting him when he was fully restored and hers.

  He recalled the times she’d so ingenuously trapped herself in her verbal webs, telling him more than he could’ve hoped for. Then she’d seduced him. That hadn’t been fake. That had been real. So maybe this wasn’t? He’d never treated her the way she deserved to be treated, never romanced her. He’d even interpreted her attempts at healing him as an invasion of his privacy. Or was it that he was just too egotistical to believe that she actually didn’t want him? Whatever the case may be, he was not going to give up so easily, he resolved. Zoella hadn’t given up on him, even at his worst. He needed to uphold his part of the bargain too.

  ***

  At dinner that night Swaba exclaimed to Zoella, “Were you with your family? No wonder you look like hell, Zoella.”

  “I’m just tired, Swaba.”

  “Who wouldn’t be after that ordeal? I hope they didn’t give you too much grief?”

  Zoella remained silent, her head down, as if she wanted to hide. Swaba opened her mouth to say something else.

  “That’s enough, Swaba,” Fardeen warned in a soft voice.

  Zoella gave him a grateful, hesitant smile and Fardeen couldn’t help the slight lifting of his heart. So this was what it had come to? Fardeen, considered to be the most eligible bachelor of the city, known as the heart-throb of his generation was now thankful for any crumbs of affection his wife would throw his way? Life’s little ironies…

  “Guess who I ran into last night?” Salaar asked.

  “Sanity?”

  Zoella laughed at Swaba’s dig at her brother. Giving Swaba a mock salute, Salaar said looking at Fardeen surreptitiously, “Neha.”

  There was a sudden silence in the room as everyone looked at Fardeen. He continued to eat without showing any interest in the news.

  “What did you say to her?” Swaba wanted to know.

  “I told her how successful Bhai’s surgeries had been, how happy they are together and all that. She didn’t look too thrilled at that.”

  Zoella heard everything through a haze of numbness and a feeling of inevitability. Now that Fardeen was back to being Prince Charming, Neha would want him back. He’d loved her so deeply he’d been ready to sacrifice his life after her betrayal. What were the chances that sooner or later they’d run into each other and old flames would rekindle? Her heart dipped. She needed to find a job fast.

  Fardeen changed the topic. His face serious, he asked, “Swaba, when’s Omer coming?”

  They started chatting about other things. Several times, Zoella caught Swaba looking at her oddly. She couldn’t bring herself to smile, not even for her friend’s sake.

  Fardeen too, had noticed Swaba watching him with fiery eyes throughout dinner. He sighed in resignation. He knew what was coming.

  Sure enough, after dinner Swaba cornered him and hissed, “What have you done with my best friend and who is this sad person you’re passing off as Zee?”

  “Swaba, please. It’s none of your business.”

  Giving him a pitying look that told him what she thought of that, she continued unfazed, “She’s a very generous, giving person, as you’ve already found to your benefit, Fardeen Bhai. She has to fix everything and do it smiling. Everyone wants to be looked after and so does she. You’re not doing a good enough job of it. I think, I hope, you realize how lucky you are to have her?”

  “I think I do.”

  “I sense a ‘but’ coming my way.”

  “But, she doesn’t care about me anymore.”

  Swaba exclaimed “Why would you think that? She was seriously in love, in love with you for as long as I can remember, so, what did you do?”

  At once defensive, he said, “You’re very sure it’s my fault.”

  “Fardeen Bhai, a girl who’s been in love with a man all her life, agrees to marry him when he’s not at his best, sticks with him through hell and back, when would she have the time to make it her fault, except of course when she fell in love like a fool?”

  At her passionate speech, Fardeen narrowed his eyes and asked, his tone ominous, “Is everything okay between you and Omer?”

  Swaba laughed. “Yes, my darling brother and don’t try to change the subject. This is about your wife. She looks so unhappy. Zoella could laugh in the face of pettiness and adversity. I’ve never seen her like this. She isn’t the same, not even with me.”

  Swaba was right. He’d screwed up in a big way and he knew it.

  “I’m not too sure about your impression of her being in love with me; and even if she had been, she isn’t any more, I assure you. I think I cured her of that little mishap. I haven’t been fair to her, Swaba.”

  Swaba patted her brother’s arm and said encouragingly, “Start now. It’s never too late.”

  “How do you suggest I go about doing that?”

  “She’s an incorrigible romantic and she’s a sucker for romantic gestures.”

/>   “I don’t think a bouquet of flowers is going to do the trick.”

  “It won’t be easy. You’ll have to make a vow of everlasting love and…”

  “Stop right there!” Fardeen sounded outraged.

  Swaba tried not to laugh, saying, “Okay, I was just kidding, almost. You have to do something big, a grand gesture. Something important and meaningful that’ll make her trust you again, make her believe that you do love her. You do don’t you?”

  Fardeen looked uncomfortable.

  Gravely, Swaba said, “If you love her, you’ll know what to do.”

  THIRTEEN

  At Swaba’s insistence, Zoella, Omer, and Fardeen were at a high-end jewelry exhibition. As they roamed around the place Swaba crooned and gasped over several pieces. Zoella noticed Omer’s face growing more and more desperate as his credit cards went cha-ching every few minutes. Swaba had four purchases already. Zoella had to suppress the urge to laugh because Omer was looking a little wild around the eyes.

  “Swaba, I think you’ve got enough. Zee help, please!”

  His appeal undid Zoella, and she couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out.

  All three of her companions looked at her with obvious pleasure.

  Fardeen’s eyes were alight with…something, and Zoella asked in confusion, “What?”

  “I haven’t heard you laugh like that in a while,” he said with a smile.

  Zoella’s laughter dried up in her throat.

  Lightly, she replied, “What nonsense, I laugh all the time. Anyway, this is getting boring, let’s just go. Omer’s right, you’ve got enough, Swaba.”

  “Yes, please listen to the voice of reason. Zee hasn’t bought a single thing.”

  Swaba pouted, “I like this.” Then added belligerently, “And is it my fault that her husband is a cheapskate?”

  “Her husband is your brother!”

  “Ha, no brother of mine is that cheap. Now cough up.”

  “Why don’t I get this one, Omer? I insist,” Fardeen said, and shaking his head at his sister in mock censure he got her the ring she had been coveting.

  Just then a musical sophisticated voice chimed up behind them, “Hi, Fardeen, Swaba. What a lovely surprise!”

  Neha was drifting towards them on a cloud of Gucci. She embraced a rather stunned and frigid Fardeen.

  “Neha! What a surprise indeed.”

  Fardeen’s dry tone did nothing to intimidate Neha. He threw an uncomfortable glance towards Zoella, who tried to look unaffected.

  Neha gushed, “I knew you were back. I’ve been calling you like crazy. Did you change your number?”

  “Er…no,” replied Fardeen blandly.

  “Oh never mind. Water under the bridge as they say,” she trilled.

  “Do they?” Fardeen inquired.

  Zoella’s heart shrank. He had been so hurt by this woman and it was still showing. Now Neha was here telling him she was available. He could have her back. Zoella swallowed the lump in her throat.

  Neha smiled into his eyes and said, “Yes, they do.”

  Fardeen stared back for a second and was about to say something when Neha linked her arm through his and said, “Listen, I needed some legal advice from you. You remember that old property my father had? The one you helped save from the land-grabbing thugs that happen to be my distant relatives? Well they…”

  She steered Fardeen away and chatted at lightning speed. Zoella couldn’t take her eyes off them. It was like a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from. Fardeen smiled at something Neha said. She laughed at something he said.

  Swaba fell back with Zoella. “What are you doing, Zee? Go get your man away from that woman.”

  Zoella wasn’t listening. This was how it would play out. They’d see her one time too often, and that would be the end of little stupid Zoella. She’d always known it would happen this way. One day she’d be redundant. What was going to happen to her when Fardeen discarded her for Neha? What did the future hold for her? Fardeen didn’t even pretend. He didn’t even look at Zoella, as if what was happening was the most normal, natural thing under the sun.

  Didn’t he consider that this might bother her? The next instant Zoella berated herself. Why would he think that? She meant nothing to him. Zoella straightened her back and walked on. She needed a lawyer. She so needed to talk to Swaba about this. She wished she could. She needed to talk to her best friend about the demise of her marriage. That would be that for their friendship too. Fardeen would then have taken everything away from her.

  Fardeen stopped and extricating his arm from Neha’s said, “I just need to pay for Swaba’s zillionth purchase. Maybe you could come to my office? Someone could help you with this matter.”

  Neha smiled. “Thank you! That’ll be great. I’ll join you now though. I also liked something. I’ll show you. You have such great taste. A little help?”

  They started walking towards the counter again. Neha reminded Fardeen of the time when she’d bought something that Fardeen had hated.

  “I had to throw it away! You wouldn’t let me wear it!” she laughed.

  Fardeen had never shown any interest in what she wore, Zoella thought bitterly.

  They reached the counter. Neha pointed at something. Fardeen shrugged. She pouted. As the salesgirl handed him Swaba’s purchase, Neha crooned over something else.

  “Oh Fardeen, look, doesn’t this pendant remind you of the seashell you brought me from Thailand?”

  “I really don’t remember.”

  “Oh, I’m going to get it. As a keepsake of old times.”

  She fumbled in her bag and exclaimed, “Oh no! I forgot my purse at home.” She pouted, “I so want this.”

  Nobody said anything. She whispered to the sales girl who shook her head. Neha looked forlornly at Fardeen.

  “Will you be a pal and pay for this? I’ll return the money of course.”

  Without hesitation, without a frown or murmur, Fardeen called the salesgirl. Zoella watched his impassive face.

  “I’ll pay you back.”

  “You already said that.”

  “Well, I will.”

  Fardeen smiled wryly and said, “No need.”

  He wasn’t even embarrassed buying his ex-fiancée a gift in front of his wife. Or maybe she was his current mistress? Maybe they were already back together.

  Neha made sweet and grateful noises.

  “It’s nothing,” said Fardeen. “My sister just accused me of being a cheapskate. I’m just trying to redeem myself in Swaba’s eyes.”

  Neha gave a pretty little laugh, “Oh thank you. You’ve always been so generous with me.” Neha hugged him and over his shoulder gave Zoella a slow wicked smile.

  Fardeen disentangled himself from her slowly. Almost reluctantly, thought Zoella.

  Turning, Fardeen smiled and said, “And while I’m at it, Zoella, isn’t there anything that you like?”

  Wow! The nerve of the man! “No, thanks,” Zoella replied woodenly.

  She’d always be second, always an after-thought for him. Not anymore though. Not ever again. Who did he think he was? More importantly, who did he think she was?

  “Are you sure? I’m in a generous mood. And you are my wife,” he stressed.

  What did that mean? Was he telling Neha off? Zoella glanced at Neha. She gave her another enigmatic smile. Zoella looked back at Fardeen. He was probably just stating an unpleasant fact before Neha.

  He cocked an eyebrow and said, “How about these diamond earrings?”

  “No thanks,” said Zoella.

  “Not everyone can pull those off, Fardeen, don’t be so cruel,” said Neha. “Maybe something more obvious? Like those garnet chandeliers?”

  “I’ve seen Zoella pull off things most women can’t,” he said curtly.

  Her heart thumping, Zoella looked at Fardeen. Was he really standing up for her? She felt disoriented.

  Fardeen handed Swaba her little bag and she hugged her brother in thanks. Zoella thought it went on a
little too long for a public display of sibling love, but they broke apart soon enough with affectionate smiles. Looking unconcerned and cool, Zoella walked with Swaba. She didn’t know what to think.

  “I have to talk with you once we get back,” said Zoella.

  “What a coincidence, so do I,” replied Swaba. Then added, “Hey Zee, why don’t I buy you something for your birthday?”

  “My birthday isn’t till next month.”

  “Yeah, well I won’t be here then, so come on.”

  Swaba pulled Zoella along. Together they looked at various things while Omer took his phone out and fiddled with it. Fardeen and Neha chatted like old friends, as if nothing unpleasant had ever happened between them.

  Tired of the whole charade, Zoella, pleaded, “Let’s just go, Swaba.”

  “You don’t like anything?”

  “Well…no.”

  Swaba jumped at the hesitation. “You do, you liar! Tell me what.”

  “Really, I don’t want it. It’s pretty but I really…it’s too expensive, Swaba. Forget it.”

  “Just show me.”

  Grudgingly, Zoella showed her the ring that had captured her fancy.

  “Ooh! That’s beautiful. How did I miss it?”

  Swaba asked the man at the counter to show it to them. It was a square cut diamond that had two delicate gold leaves diagonally arranged on either side, with a small diamond in each of their centers, like two dew drops.

  “The diamond in the center is two and a half carats and the small ones are a quarter carat each.”

  “We’ll take it.”

  Zoella spun around at Fardeen’s voice and stammered, “No. I…I don’t want it.”

  “Oh, just chill,” Swaba said.

  Zoella looked at her friend, much as Tipu Sultan would have looked at Mir Jafar, or Caesar at Brutus.

  “Hey, he asked me to. He wants to buy you something and you were being so goody-goody, making me look bad.”

  Zoella fumed. What was he trying to prove anyway? He could go hang himself with Neha.

  “I don’t want it,” she said in a loud, firm voice.